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I am not having luck on my other site, so I am posting this here. I need help with how to bestow my forgiveness on my FWH. He has shown complete remorse, no contact, show his love in all the little ways, tell me he loves despite the weight gain, and makes sure we are in bed together each night. I want to give him and myself the gift of forgiveness. He hates talking about the affair, I suspect that it makes him feel horrible. How shoud I do this?
 

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I found the book "How Can I forgive you? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not Too" very helpful.

Sadly, many BS's rush to cheap forgiveness which is in itself a form of rugsweeping or co-dependance.

Genuine forgiveness takes time and is dependant on the WS as well. I don't think you can rush forgiveness or push it. Or fake as a way to make yourself feel like a good person.

Here's a great article that explains the difference between cheap forgiveness and genuine forgiveness. Excerpts from the book I mentioned above are also included:

Four Approaches to Forgiveness, Ranging From ‘Cheap’ to ‘Genuine’ | Neuroscience and Relationships
 

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I am not having luck on my other site, so I am posting this here. I need help with how to bestow my forgiveness on my FWH. He has shown complete remorse, no contact, show his love in all the little ways, tell me he loves despite the weight gain, and makes sure we are in bed together each night. I want to give him and myself the gift of forgiveness. He hates talking about the affair, I suspect that it makes him feel horrible. How shoud I do this?
Maybe this post will help. Good luck to you :)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56955-what-forgiveness-how-can-help-heal.html
 

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Sending you another forgiveness post:
Do You Have to Forgive a Cheater?

How far out are you? You don't have to set the bar so high for yourself. It takes a LONG time to work these feelings through. In that post above, there's a quote from Archbishop Desmond Tutu I like that says that being angry is not incompatible with forgiveness. The depth of your anger is the result of the depth of your love. Forgiveness, as he describes it, is letting go. You can still be angry about the injustice and care, but it's not being chained to the person who hurt you.

In the early days, I think if you haven't killed them, I think you're doing pretty good. Be kind to yourself. It's not a good sign that your WH doesn't want to discuss it. He should be there for you as you work through this. Sorry is as sorry DOES. It's not enough for him to say he's sorry, he has to show you too. And one way he can do that is by letting you talk about the affair.
 

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Are you both religious? If so, you might want to look into "ACTS retreats for married couples" or "ACTS retreats for men" / "women"

If not religious you might both consider it but deal only with ministers that are trained in reconciling couples.
 

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You don't give him forgiveness. He earns it, by his actions you start to forgive or not forgive him. And it won't happen overnight. Take it one day at a time.
 

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I think forgiveness takes time but also ask yourself why you want to keep talking about it. Sometimes its morbid fascination and other times it can be that you want to ensure that he remembers his wrongdoing. Even if you are upset and angry you may just be rubbing salt in your own wound! My H has on many occasions made horrid remarks and asked questions that I can in no way answer. Now I try to answer in a generic sense... previously I would have just exploded in anger.
 
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