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Help me! Sexless in Marriage and/or a Sex Addict

1913 Views 6 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  KendalMintcake
It appears I have a high sex drive compared to my SO....
She always gets it when she wants it...twice a month or so.
I need it daily if not every other day and she refuses to go oral...while I like to give and receive oral. Am at a loss on how best to close the gap and save the marriage. Is denial of oral grounds enough for divorce....? What about lack of oral couple with infrequent sex...does it make it a stronger ground for divorce? I however wouldn't want a divorce...she is the only person I truly love and want to also save the marriage for sake of kids.

My perspective and view on love and sex are separable - love is emotional and comes from the heart/brain while sex is purely physical and comes from the groin. Its the latter that is causing a lot of trouble to me.

Is it just a high sex drive or am I a sex addict..think it might be the latter as I think of other women (co-workers, friends, wives of others) and have thoughts of sharing intimate experiences with them....its gotten to a point where even if I am a sex addict I'm in denial...

Would it be a good solution to get intimate with other women who are in a similar situation? That way we are helping each other out while keeping marriages going and the kids unaffected? What are potential complications of such an arrangement? Would it need to be with approval of spouses ?

Hoping to get some thoughts and input to the internal conflicts that are raging inside me.
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No cheating is not the answer here. Cheating will kill your soul and make you the bad guy. If you get to the point of seriously thinking of cheating then get a divorce first.

Not asking if cheating is or not the answer...that is the only recourse and something I am exposing myself to already - given this high risk behavior..I consider myself a sex addict

Some info would be good. How old are the two of you? How long have you been married? how many kids? Does you wife work outside the home or is she a SAHM?

Am in my late 30s...she is two years younger...married 11yrs with couple of kids. .....I do think - childbirth trauma and a couple of no fault rear ended car accidents could have diminished / impacted her libido as she has spinal/hip injury from which 100% recovery is not possible. She is a SAHM and is a potential reason for why I also exhibit some displacement wrt her not chipping in enough from sharing financial responsibility and ensuring financial security of children

If you two had sex before marriage, how was it? WAs it more frequent? HOw about in the early stages of your marriage? If it changed when?

Both of us never engaged in sex before marriage...had an arranged marriage.... we had a healthy sex life after marriage when she used to perform oral (she says now that it was more out of fear to keep marriage going). Things started going downhill after our first child (premie) and a couple of road which she became more of a mom and obsessed about raising the kids...thinks of kids and is always pre occupied with thoughts of them - even while having sex worried about kids waking up etc. For this reason she does not want to go to work and be an overqualified SAHM (btw she is a foreign medical graduate). ...

I don't think that you are a sex addict. You don't seem to have that pattern.

I think I do and am exhibiting some high risk behaviors...planning on taking an evaluation to confirm on here 12 Step Programs for Sexual Addiction and Love Addicts | Sex Addiction. ...

Wanting sex daily is not unusual for HD people. Twice a month is pretty low in frequency.

100% agree and hence its important to explore other options. However,
1) most dating sites restrict membership to only singles...
2) sites like ****** ******* that cater to married couples seeking discrete relationships have bogus profiles and do not work....or cost a bomb like therapy for guaranteed affairs
3) women who are divorced/single moms are not looking for married men....because they still have aspirations to hit it up with a 'knight in armor' who would come and rescue them from their miseries.
4) other women in similar situations who are married would potentially work as long as their spouses are open to it or those women can keep it discrete...however we both would run the risk of how things pan if either spouse gets a wind of it and ruin our not want kids in either families being impacted adversely
5) escorts/prostitutes/streetwalkers are not an option as they are illegal in most states and would be high risk behavior to undertake. Relocating to Nevada is not an option!
6) CSW is not an option as this is not a case of sexual dysfunction
7) Therapy/Medical treatment is not an applicable option either - because my sex drive is healthy...wouldn't want to risk controlling libido using medical intervention/prescription drugs in a day an age where folks are having to use 'blue pills' to get it up.
8) A discrete "friends with benefits" situation would be ideal however was raised in a culture which doesn't look positively on those values and hence do not have the typical high school / college girlfriends that one could tap into. Moreover, this puts the marriage at risk with spouse not being open to something outside marriage even if I were to get lucky weeding through all the bots/spams on craigs or another personals site to find someone willing to help out.

Basically am running out of options...hope there is some way out of this and someone can help out....else my life will be restricted to one of celibacy with little to no space to explore my sexuality

Has your wife told you why she does not want sex more than twice a month?

She blames
1) kids getting in between
2) her health - tiredness, obesity, asthma, hip/spine issues...this is a growing list.
3) doesn't like oral...basically doesn't want me to ask her to do something she doesn't like to do....but I enjoy giving and receiving oral a lot

Do you feel that your wife does not love you? Feel rejected? etc?
I do not feel that love is absent in our marriage...its mutual -I know she loves me a lot and she is the only one I will fall in love with in this lifetime. We both are equally committed to keep marriage going for sake of kids...however I know she will not be open to any sexual relationship I have outside of marriage

Or is this just a sex thing as you describe?

I do think its is a purely sex incompatibility from a drive perspective and I would like to explore my sexuality with multiple partners given I never had the opportunity to explore prior to marriage. I am basically stuck in a marriage that I want to keep going while rapidly running out of any options of having a healthy sex life to keep my sanity (one of Maslow's basic hierarchy of needs).

IMO, a lack of sex in marriage is a reason for divorce. Twice a month is getting to the very low end of what would be acceptable for a lot of people.
I get denied even hugging because of period pain. That's how crazy it gets.

Completely hear you on this...happens to me too. And the pre menstrual syndrome (PMS) is unbearable too...have to tolerate and put up with considerable abuse to my family members as all venting happens then and she refuses to talk to her gynecologist and get treated for PMS. Have on many instances thought of calling the national abuse hotline ...but hey we both still love, respect and are thankful to each other for a lot of other reasons! Just don't know how long we are going to hang in there together...keeping fingers crossed that neither snaps for the sake of kids..they will be shattered!

Back to the question. No, you have normal sex drive. Unfortunately, you need to carry the burden of being oppressed, taking on the guilt of the other party and making them feel good for not wanting it and, feeling like you are the sick one. Pretty sick huh?

Agree that I am normal and need an outlet....unfortunately there are no options (see my response above)....other than crying out for HELP!

First thing to do is start taking care of yourself but please don't cheat. See the pattern here, when the SO does not want sex, then you get screwed every which way and it would not be in your favor if you choose to cheat!

Please let me know all the ways I can get possibly to avoid anything illegal and get screwed - also understand its better not to cheat and end up wrecking marriage and losing home, car, kids etc. in a divorce that favors SO.

More importantly how can I side step getting screwed while at the same time satiate my healthy sex drive and explore my sexuality ? HELP!
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