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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Howdy,

New to this. But next week is my (25M) 1 month anniversary with someone (24F) who was arranged for me (both of us consented amongst the pressure to). Of course I already set up reservations, flowers, etc. for the day, but it feels more of a duty than anything else.
W gave up everything in a foreign state (friends, home, family, etc.) to move in with me while I study for the most important exam in my life early next year. I genuinely sympathize with the shift in her life after a week of talking to me turns into living with me, while leaving it all behind. I am doing everything possible to accommodate her (emptied big closet for her stuff, emptied cabinets and drawers in the bathroom for her stuff, set up work and makeup desks, give her full choice over the arrangement of the house, set her up with a gym membership, etc.).
At this point though, I am only able to focus on negatives more than things I should be grateful for. W is really sweet and definitely compromising, and tries to take care of me by doing things which I honestly would prefer to do myself or not have done for me.

Here are the following issues and any feedback is welcome for:

1) I am not an emotional person - I am conscientious and irritatingly logical to the point I can't satisfy her emotional needs as most things that bother or excite her are viewed stoically by me as I am indifferent to things. I am able to play along and act excited (to an extent) or offer some sort of reflection on the various topics (if I am in agreement), but most of the time I remain quiet as what I will say will often make light of what she thinks is important.

2) I am not an intimate person - For some reason I was very spontaneous and lovey-dovey in my previous relationship with someone I can apply the word 'love' to. Now, along with the stresses of finances, work, my examination prep, and school simultaneously I remain too lost in thought trying to figure things out and prioritize to maximize (or at least be a little) efficiency. Thus, my libido stays busy with those other things rather than my spouse, and I just want to sleep.
2a) It could also just be that we are still getting to know each other and though I am not physically attracted to her (as of yet), I am hoping it is a time related thing. Maybe once the education is complete then I will have more time to focus on her.
2b) I have prioritized 2 days out of the week that are fully dedicated to her and quality time as that is very important to her (and me), but scheduling my prioritize do not seem romantic to her, even though we end up having a great time.

3) Lack of reasoning is stressing me out. I am very cool-headed as I have to be given my field (law). And I am a very good listener (unfortunately). But I encourage her to talk and tell me what is on W's mind. And she does not hesitate to tell me, but it does not stop and jumps from topic to topic without seeking any resolution or point to the conversation. After 5-8 mins of her telling me things, she will seek my opinion, and regretfully I offer it by asking her what point was reached (or can we reach) in the various conversations blurted out and in return I get cut off halfway through my point (constantly in literally every conversation (use of "literally" is not exaggerated)). I have on one occasion sat her down and explained to her how my thought process works - seeking order in conversation. But aside from telling me "that's smart," things did not change - thus, I gave up. Now I let her talk and say just enough to get cut off so she can continue. But this isn't right.
3a) In most conversation, the details and circumstances keep circling around some point that doesn't get made till I eventually ask, "What is the point or purpose of you telling me this, because I am really lost". I do the same thing with my own family members though, as I do not have all the time in the world to dedicate when they can take 2-3 minutes to tell me something they are ranting about for 10-15min.
3b) In most conversation her tone tends to become condescending in nature, as she "gave up so much, and big companies, and friends, and all the opportunity in the world" to move to a state/city with less to offer (NY->Htx).

4) After the first time she voiced her complaints to me I stayed up all night trying to see what I can do to make things better and decided that we should seek counseling. Though counseling has a negative connotation to it in the community, I reasonably believe it could just help to have a third party communicate and help with issues we are having. She was against this idea and said it was better to just bottle it up and let it work out in time. Regardless, I signed us up and after speaking with the Dr alone, she is more comfortable. So, I am really hoping that helps.

Yet, I am still interested in any feedback or useful advice people who have done this longer than me can offer.
'Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.'

Thank You.
 

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The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.'
Ok. You can learn from mine. I am very much like you, my wife says I'm "Mr. Spock". She's right. I don't trust emotion, only logic and fact.

Get an annulment and get it over with as quickly as you can. Don't waste your life like this. Concentrate on your law practice, and upon those things which your natural gifts support.
Marriage is something I should have avoided, forever.

it feels more of a duty than anything else
Exactly. I couldn't have said it better. There's no reward, only responsibility.
 

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Of course it feels like a duty...you aren’t in love with her. Marrying her was a duty.

Do you know anyone else who has had their marriage arranged? You should talk to them as I’m sure it comes with different challenges than a marriage started in love.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Of course it feels like a duty...you aren’t in love with her. Marrying her was a duty.

Do you know anyone else who has had their marriage arranged? You should talk to them as I’m sure it comes with different challenges than a marriage started in love.
They all say the same thing: Over time you learn to love the person. That is all.


Ok. You can learn from mine. I am very much like you, my wife says I'm "Mr. Spock". She's right. I don't trust emotion, only logic and fact.

Get an annulment and get it over with as quickly as you can. Don't waste your life like this. Concentrate on your law practice, and upon those things which your natural gifts support.
Marriage is something I should have avoided, forever.

Exactly. I couldn't have said it better. There's no reward, only responsibility.
The thought occurs, but I'd like to see if there is a way to make it work. If not, that may be the unfortunate resolution, but for now I need to at least try. It's only been a month, too soon to back out. But I will heed your advice, sir.
 

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That’s a tough one. On one hand, my realistic side wants to agree with most of what everyone has already said. But on the other hand, it’s part of your culture and it’s already done. So you’re trying to make it work.

It’s only been a month. Not much of an adjustment period. You’re going to have to get to know each other.

Of course you were lovey dovey in your other relationship because you loved her. I have to admit I don’t understand marrying someone you don’t love but maybe you can grow to love her. If you find out that you can’t, try to get out while you can still get an annulment.

I think it would be like any other situation where you were thrown in with someone you don’t know. You have to learn what makes the other tick and try to find some common ground.

As far as her being condescending, maybe try to understand that this is probably really hard for her too. I know you said pretty much that conversations with her are well, not fun. How could they be? This is a big huge deal for both of you. You’re still basically strangers at this point.

When you said you guys have a great time on the two days a week, did you mean sexually? (Tell me if I’m overstepping). I’m curious about that part. What it’s like. Is it duty sex? Are you trying to have children? Is there any passion at all?

I think the counselor is a great idea. I’m glad she came around and wants to give it a try. It could only help. Even you being here asking for advice on how to make this work, helps.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more constructive. This situation would be so terrifying to me. Did your parents have this kind of arraigned marriage?
 

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They all say the same thing: Over time you learn to love the person. That is all.
I think maybe you’re expecting too much, too soon. You are still getting to know each other. Love is not instantaneous.

Maybe you should concentrate on becoming friends first and leave the more emotional heavy stuff to come on it’s own later.

I work with a lot of patients whose marriages were arranged. Many are extremely successful marriages. Give it the time that others who have been there tell you is needed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
That’s a tough one. On one hand, my realistic side wants to agree with most of what everyone has already said. But on the other hand, it’s part of your culture and it’s already done. So you’re trying to make it work.
So far, that's the only option I have. Too much pressure from all sides, along with pressure from school and exam prep and work to begin such a commotion.

It’s only been a month. Not much of an adjustment period. You’re going to have to get to know each other.
Agreed - Just trying to make this as painless for the both of us as possible.

Of course you were lovey dovey in your other relationship because you loved her. I have to admit I don’t understand marrying someone you don’t love but maybe you can grow to love her. If you find out that you can’t, try to get out while you can still get an annulment.
That's the theory behind the whole thing. Most of the people only talked for 15 minutes before they were married off, and 30+ years later, they are happier than ever.

I think it would be like any other situation where you were thrown in with someone you don’t know. You have to learn what makes the other tick and try to find some common ground.
common ground - just isn't all that common.

As far as her being condescending, maybe try to understand that this is probably really hard for her too. I know you said pretty much that conversations with her are well, not fun. How could they be? This is a big huge deal for both of you. You’re still basically strangers at this point.
Yet, I still am enjoying conversations more with strangers I owe no duty to, while the one at home isn't exciting me at all.

When you said you guys have a great time on the two days a week, did you mean sexually? (Tell me if I’m overstepping). I’m curious about that part. What it’s like. Is it duty sex? Are you trying to have children? Is there any passion at all?
Not sexually. That's been very scarce and mostly because of me. I'm just not in the mood. Definitely feels like duty sex. No children yet. Honestly no, or I just don't have the potential for passion in me anymore.

I think the counselor is a great idea. I’m glad she came around and wants to give it a try. It could only help. Even you being here asking for advice on how to make this work, helps.
Thank you, I really am not here for the 'just give it up' type of advice - even though they hold a lot of value in their perspective; I'm seeking alternatives to that to save the honor of the family and my dignity and all that stuff a lot of people may not cherish.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more constructive. This situation would be so terrifying to me. Did your parents have this kind of arraigned marriage?
My parents was even more entertaining. They got to talk less, and the shift wasn't state to state - it was old country to new country for mama. But here they are 27 years later (almost), making it work.

But no need to apologize, if anything, it helps to get these thoughts off my chest and get alternative viewpoints. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Perhaps it is best to ask your W what she expects out of a husband and a marriage.
I did prior to and after the marriage. Turns out it's even less passionate and emotional then she expected, though I made it clear I can't afford her that luxury with everything going on at once in my life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I think maybe you’re expecting too much, too soon. You are still getting to know each other. Love is not instantaneous.

Maybe you should concentrate on becoming friends first and leave the more emotional heavy stuff to come on it’s own later.

I work with a lot of patients whose marriages were arranged. Many are extremely successful marriages. Give it the time that others who have been there tell you is needed.
That's actually what I have been telling her. She's admitted patience isn't her strong suit. But at this point, fingers crossed that we end up like the patients with successful marriages you mentioned.
 

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I did prior to and after the marriage. Turns out it's even less passionate and emotional then she expected, though I made it clear I can't afford her that luxury with everything going on at once in my life.
You will need to grasp the idea that your spouse comes before all and every situation. Passion, emotion and intimacy is not a luxury. Cars, homes and lavish vacations are. Your W is not asking for those that I'm aware of. I understand life has it's many trials and tribulations but when the smoke clears who is standing there with you? Life? No sir. Life spits you out and many could care any less. Take time to make time.
 

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Not sexually. That's been very scarce and mostly because of me. I'm just not in the mood. Definitely feels like duty sex. No children yet. Honestly no, or I just don't have the potential for passion in me anymore.
One issue is that when relationships are in the early stages, one of the primary needs is wanting to feel wanted (as in my spouse sexually desires me). Then later on the relationship matures into knowing what you want and then wanting to share that with your spouse (as in my spouse shares his/her sexual desires with me).

If she is upset about you have to schedule time to make her a priority, to me this seems like she is struggling with wanting to feel wanted. As in making her a priority would happen naturally.

I would suggest that you alter your schedule as to when you make her a priority and just don't tell her about it. Let it feel like more of a surprise to her when it happens. While the unpredictability of this may be a little bit stressful for her if she asks and you can't tell her when you will have time, you can also take that as an opportunity to let her know that you do enjoy spending time with her when it happens.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
You will need to grasp the idea that your spouse comes before all and every situation. Passion, emotion and intimacy is not a luxury. Cars, homes and lavish vacations are. Your W is not asking for those that I'm aware of. I understand life has it's many trials and tribulations but when the smoke clears who is standing there with you? Life? No sir. Life spits you out and many could care any less. Take time to make time.
Thank you for the wise words. You aren't wrong. I've just been thinking that if I could get my current engagements in order, then life would be better and more personal for the both of us. But I'll try and see how I can make compromises till the smoke clears.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
One issue is that when relationships are in the early stages, one of the primary needs is wanting to feel wanted (as in my spouse sexually desires me). Then later on the relationship matures into knowing what you want and then wanting to share that with your spouse (as in my spouse shares his/her sexual desires with me).

If she is upset about you have to schedule time to make her a priority, to me this seems like she is struggling with wanting to feel wanted. As in making her a priority would happen naturally.

I would suggest that you alter your schedule as to when you make her a priority and just don't tell her about it. Let it feel like more of a surprise to her when it happens. While the unpredictability of this may be a little bit stressful for her if she asks and you can't tell her when you will have time, you can also take that as an opportunity to let her know that you do enjoy spending time with her when it happens.
It's been a little difficult trying to make someone feel wanted who I am currently not all that interested in. But I understand what you're saying. I'll attempt to figure out a way to make things more spontaneous and personable. Hopefully the one month anniversary will be a good start. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Also it is very likely that I will run into said past-love tomorrow at a mutual friends wedding. My spouse does not know anyone there, but I am sure I will have to meet everyone. Any advice on how to handle this or to not say anything at all? Me and the ex mutually ended it and she is not the type to cause drama, so I figured I would just stay quiet and introduce her as a friend to my wife, but at this point I might as well ask for advice. I am obliged.
 

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I 100% agree with making her feel wanted/needed.

As a women, and how I was raised in my religion this is how I feel... I WANT to feel like I’m a blessing to my husband. I want to make him happy, I want to feel like he can’t wait to come home to me. I want to feel like I contribute to making his life happy/better. And the worst feeling in the world, is making him feel the opposite.

So little things like making his breakfast right, or the way he likes it and being complimented really goes a long way. All you need to do, is start giving her some compliments to make her feel good.
“There’s nothing better than starting off the day with a nice breakfast, thank you so much”. “I love the way you cook these ——.” “I’ve been so stressed out, I love that you make our house really feel like a home, a place I want to be”. Etc etc.

comments like these a free, effortless, and will really go a long way in making her feel happy and wanted and start to build and emotional bond over time.
 
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