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I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship; the sad part is I know it and he will not see that its time to call it quits. We have been together for 7 years and have 2 wonderful daughters together. The entire time we have been together he has called me names and has been unhappy with my weight.

When we first got together I was in a good place financially, I had a good and demanding job; managing a local tourism attraction. The problem with the job was that I was young and ****y and said some very stupid comments and given I had recently gotten a DUI so I was dismissed from my position. I was also the lightest I've ever been 165ish and at 5'11" I must say I was pretty darn hot even being that heavy. I'm a pretty competent and intelligent individual.

I meet him and he was seemingly everything I wanted at the time. He was handsome and happy. He didn't have the best family but his grandmother was a saint, he claimed he had a good relationship with her. I assumed since he always spoke positively about the women in his life that he knew how to treat a woman. For a while he made me so happy, I was wanted and desired by this hardworking handsome guy not to mention the sex was dynamite I couldn't resist him. He drank a lot and smoked lots of weed but I was young and did my share too. I've been cheated on by him several times. I've spent the whole relationship trying to find go back to where I felt for the first 3 months and basically living on those old memories.

Today I'm not even a shell of who I was then I've got a part time job that only pays 700 a month. I find myself disgusted with how I look the scale says 235 and it makes me want to puke. He frequently flys off the handle over stupid things. Last night it was where I put the dog food container (how could I be so lazy I didn't put it six inches off the back porch). He still drinks but not as much when he drinks like we did when we first meet and he acts like a teenage that thinks he's cool for smoking weed. I find us not spending time together because his behavior is juvenile when he does these things and I no longer partake because I feel the kids are more important than getting stoned or drunk. I do find the occasional drink appealing but pot leaves me in a haze similar do drinking heavily so I simply don't do those things anymore. Now I feel I'm half the woman I was and I'm stuck with this sorry ******* who clearly does not love me.

I cannot say I am completely innocent but I try my best to be a great mother and good woman. He does not understand that things do not always get done and uses that to belittle me. Last night for instance I punched him in the throat I realized about halfway through my swing that was not what I wanted to do but by then it was too late. That kind of loss of control is completely unacceptable but at the same time he would call me a name and say I'm stupid then say go ahead punch me and ultimately I did it, thats the way it is whenever he is criticizing me he follows me around egging me on to go bat **** crazy and every now and again I do, not that that makes it acceptable. He spent the rest of the night till 1:30 when he passed out trying to get me to loose it again. Its not ok and its time for both of us to find a healthy relationship and life for the sake of our children.

For me the biggest problem is I want splitting up to be civil and adult for the children. They have already seen enough crazy from mom and too much unacceptable behavior from their father. I need to follow through with things for my girls but at the same time I'm scared. How can I find the strength to walk away?
 

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You find the strength through your children, that's where. And I really don't think leaving him is going to be civil but it is going to be a lot more civilized than what you've got going on now. You DO have the strength but unfortantely he has belittled you for far too long for you to see that. You need to know your self worth and that comes from within yourself. You know you deserve better. You will only feel worse about yourself a year from now when you realized you just stayed in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship for one year longer than you should have.

I know you know this but violence is NEVER, ever the answer. When he pushes you to the limit or even goats you on by telling you to hit him you just need to walk away. Even if the children aren't around when this is going on they still know what is happening. Take it from me. And those memories of mine from 35+ years ago will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Start taking those first steps.
 

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I've spent the whole relationship trying to find go back to where I felt for the first 3 months and basically living on those old memories.
But the reality is, back then you were young, and dumb, and getting drunk/stoned so OF COURSE it SEEMED like a good time. Now you've grown up, but you don't realize you were looking at your life through a pot of haze & booze. The actual grown-up reality of BACK THEN was probably not anywhere as rosy as you remember it.

1. Get yourself a JOB. Full-time or cobble together a couple of part-time jobs.

2. Sit down and make up a budget. Google to find out how much child support your STBXH will be mandated to pay. Do NOT include it in your budget (unless you can GUARANTEE that he's the kind of man who'll pay it for the girls, regardless of how much he hates you.)

3. Start looking for a house/apartment that fits into your budget.

4. Start eating better: fresh fruits/vegetables are CHEAPER than junk food. They're also better for you and will help you FEEL BETTER about yourself.

5. Take a walk every evening after dinner. With or without your girls. It will get you some much-needed exercise, allow you to clear your head, get you away from the negativity of your STBXH, and it's FREE.

Realize that if you DON'T walk away, you are condeming your daughters to a marriage JUST LIKE YOURS. They are learning how to be women/wives by watching you! They are learning how men/husbands act by watching STBXH. If THIS is all they know, it is what they will be comfortable with in their own relationships and what they will model their own marriages after.

You don't want them to be *YOU* in 20 more years! If you can't be strong for yourself, be strong for your beautiful daughters. Love them enough to make yourself uncomfortable enough to change for the better.

People always say, "I'd DIE for them!" That is EASY to say (and rarely actually required of us.) More important to ask is "Would I LIVE for them?"
 

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you have to take your power back . You have to be empowered. This is the only way you can do it . You might have low self esteem and poor self-image otherwise why would you put up with all of this for so long?

I heard this somewhere. There is something to know , not something to do . What do you need to know in order for you to change you situation? The knowing self knows that this situation isn't acceptable but it actually serves a purposes , a need inside of you.

Take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Dress well. Meet friends and family. Pick up a hobby and you will eventually walk away ...

I am not sure it will work for you but def it worked for me. It felt like i was pushing a door so hard which is supposed to be pulled !!
 
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