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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm unsure what's going on or why. As I posted in a previous thread, I am not happy in my marriage. I thought this was because of infrequent sex, but I'm not so sure anymore.

Basic info: I'm 38 she's 39. Been married 11 years. 2 kids 7 and 3.

OK, I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start.

I'm not physically attracted to her anymore. She is now over 200lbs on a 5'2" frame. I could (and do) overlook this though so, I don't think this is my problem. She is LD. Once a week is pretty standard around here. I know there are guys on here that are thinking "WTF are you complaining about? That's 4x as much as I get." Well, the problem there is that I have to ask for it 3 nights to get it the 1. She never initiates and acts like it's a duty. Once she even said "Let's get this over with." (Hmm I guess she did initiate once:D) When we have sex, she is responsive and seems to enjoy it. However, I'm not sure she's present. She doesn't look at me or touch me. Infact, the less of me that is actually touching her the more she seems to enjoy it.

She always complains of being tired (also her excuse for LD). She's up and down all night but can sleep for hours straight in the day. She often has some sort of physical ailment. We do not sleep in the same bed. She sleeps with the kids. House work gets done eventually but not regularly. I try to do my share helping the oldest with her homework, dishes, and keeping the place picked up somewhat.

Enough bashing. She works a 40 hour week in an office. She's a good mom. She does the laundry every weekend. She is on welbutrin for depression. Her thyroid is basically dead. She takes synthroid for that and her levels are normal.

Bottom line. I want out. I can't see myself living with her another 11 years. I don't feel connected to her anymore and I don't think I want to. We get along well enough. Very little fighting. But, it's more a friendship than a marriage. I want a partner that I feel a deep love for and who loves and wants me in return.

I guess I just want to get some opinions. Am I being selfish? MLC? Should I try to work through this? Stay for the kids?
 

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I guess my opinion would be to just LAY IT ON THE LINE with her.

Tell her straight out, "I am not satisfied with our marriage. I feel like your roommate, NOT your husband, not a man you're IN LOVE with. I can tell that you're not happy either. Are you willing to go to marriage counseling WITH ME NOW (in March) to straighten out our problems?

If you are, then I expect us to BOTH get complete physicals and get started on counseling immediately.

If you're not, be honest and let me know because I alone CANNOT fix this marriage. If we're not going to FIX it, we're going to end it. I will not continue to live like this any more. Let me know what you decide by Friday night."
 

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OP.

The figures you give for your wife size (bmi = 36.6) class her as Obese, and you say that she has a thyroid problem (and other ailments) for which she is on medication, you tell us she is also on medication for her depression.
Despite this she is still working full time, doing a good job of raising the kids, meeting your sexual needs on a regular basis, finding time / energy to do some of the housework (IMHO if both partners work full time they should be sharing the housework if either one is a "stay at home" then they should do the vast majority).

You say the problem is "your not physically attracted to her anymore". You don't know what to do. You "want to get some opinions".

Well here are mine for what they are worth,

Take a good hard look at yourself.
Do you do enough both physically and emotionally to support you sick wife?
Do you put her "needs" above your "want"?
What efforts are you making to re-find / repair that connection you once had?

I am sorry if that sounds as if I am putting it all on you but you have to be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want and to have some positive ideas to bring to the table before you start laying it on the line for your wife.

You do need to sit down quietly and calmly with your wife and really talk about your lives together.

If you are both prepared to work at it you can make your relationship better for you both (and the children).

Here are a couple of suggestions that could help.

Make sure you get enough "mum & dad only" time.

Sleep in the same bed together (if your wife’s disturbed sleep pattern is too bad for this then twin beds in the same room).

Work with your wife and her doctor to see if there are other treatments to help her (talking therapy for her depression etc).

I hope you can find a resolution that works for your whole family.
 

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I'm unsure what's going on or why. As I posted in a previous thread, I am not happy in my marriage. I thought this was because of infrequent sex, but I'm not so sure anymore.

Basic info: I'm 38 she's 39. Been married 11 years. 2 kids 7 and 3.

OK, I'm not sure where to start so I'll just start.

I'm not physically attracted to her anymore. She is now over 200lbs on a 5'2" frame. I could (and do) overlook this though so, I don't think this is my problem. She is LD. Once a week is pretty standard around here. I know there are guys on here that are thinking "WTF are you complaining about? That's 4x as much as I get." Well, the problem there is that I have to ask for it 3 nights to get it the 1. She never initiates and acts like it's a duty. Once she even said "Let's get this over with." (Hmm I guess she did initiate once:D) When we have sex, she is responsive and seems to enjoy it. However, I'm not sure she's present. She doesn't look at me or touch me. Infact, the less of me that is actually touching her the more she seems to enjoy it.

She always complains of being tired (also her excuse for LD). She's up and down all night but can sleep for hours straight in the day. She often has some sort of physical ailment. We do not sleep in the same bed. She sleeps with the kids. House work gets done eventually but not regularly. I try to do my share helping the oldest with her homework, dishes, and keeping the place picked up somewhat.

Enough bashing. She works a 40 hour week in an office. She's a good mom. She does the laundry every weekend. She is on welbutrin for depression. Her thyroid is basically dead. She takes synthroid for that and her levels are normal.

Bottom line. I want out. I can't see myself living with her another 11 years. I don't feel connected to her anymore and I don't think I want to. We get along well enough. Very little fighting. But, it's more a friendship than a marriage. I want a partner that I feel a deep love for and who loves and wants me in return.

I guess I just want to get some opinions. Am I being selfish? MLC? Should I try to work through this? Stay for the kids?
Men and women have different needs and desires which we don't always realize in the fun stages of dating and starting a family. Men's most important needs tend to be:
1- sexual fulfillment
2- recreational companionship
3-physical atractiveness
4-admiration for themselves
5- domestic support, someone to cook and clean

Women's most important needs are usually:
1- affection
2- conversation
3-honesty and openness
4- financial support
5- family commitment
The above info comes from the book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley. Looking at that can you see that you are meeting your wife's needs? Is she meeting yours? and how do you get her to meet your needs? By meeting her needs which more than likely you did in the beginning and as you stopped, she stopped too.

My husband is over weight also. I am also not attracted to him. He went from having abs you could see to having a huge gut and is now bolding. When couples meet each other's needs these issues don't tend to be as apparent but they satnd out when our needs are not met.

As a woman, I can say you are very lucky and you don't even realize it. Your wife is busting her tail for her family, her home, for you. Where is her alone time/time for her? Does she even ahve the time to make it to the gym? Was she ever that type of person to begin with?

The differences between men and women are universal, sorry but we were not born with raging male hormones so to expect us to be like men who always want sex, forget it, it's not going to happen plain and simple. Sure you could find yourself another little hotty til that wears out to. What are you going to do, kepp finding greener grass? But will that really make you happy?

Take a close look at yourself and what you can do to make things better for your wife. My husabnd and I have been married for 20 years and what I miss the most is conversation (him actually interested in me), emotional support with the kids and his family, non-sexual intimacy and affection.
 

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To me, it sounds like your wife is putting in very little effort into the parts of the marriage that are important to you. Of course, you mentioned depression, and if she is depressed, just getting to work and doing her share of the housework is probably a pretty big achievement for her. That doesn't help you much, of course.

I also imagine that it is coming through clear as day to the your wife that you don't want to try either. Your main excuse would appear to be resentment.

I'm with SGW. Sit down, and see if you can come to an understanding that neither one of you is putting in a solid effort and/or seeing are seeing negatives in each other instead of positives. If you can get there, and both commit to repair, it might get better. It's likely neither of you understand each other very well now - with communication, it could get better.

If she doesn't want to improve, you can move on knowing you did all you could. Just understand that talking with her and really working at it - even if it doesn't pan out - will help prevent history from repeating with your next partner. It's a great chance for you to grow as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the responses. I know it sounds like I'm just bashing on her, I really don't mean to. I know I could do more to help her along.

AVR - About her needs
1- affection Honestly no. I would but she's either sitting at the kitchen table smoking or doing something and doesn't want to be disturbed. I actually like and want affection as well.
2- conversation We talk. But it's usually small talk and if the convo gets to serious she changes the subject (usually to a pet)
3-honesty and openness Yes, I guess. I obviously haven't discussed this with her yet, but every thing else is pretty much out there.
4- financial support Yes. I make a good income for our area.
5- family commitment Yes. Excepting the present considerations.

coffee - No, she doesn't have much "her" time, hardly any actually. I know I made a big deal about the sex. I guess I'm focusing on that. But I was actually thinking, if nothing else changed but sex was more regular, would it change how I'm feeling? I don't think so. I think I'm just overall dissatisfied with the relationship, but being male I guess I'm focusing on the sexual aspect.

I'm not sure she has depression. She went to her gyno before we ever had kids because she was moody/mad. She prescribed the welbutrin. I don't know if a gyno should be prescribing antidepressants or not. Just doesn't seem like an actual diagnosis was done.

Sleeping in the same bed, I just dont see it happening. I've brought it up, but nothing ever came of it. I even hinted that it was affecting the marriage. I told her we should sleep in the same bed, you know like actual married people do. Still nothing. It's not her sleep patterns. She could tapdance on the bed and it wouldn't wake me up.
 

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You sound like my Husband.
In November he brought up that we didn't have sex enough and that I wasn't as physically attractive as I use to be. (I have depression as well and I am on Wellburtin.) I was so hurt because I felt like my Husband wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. He told me he was tried of the way I was acting ( I wasn't the "Fun" person he married anymore).

Because I was so hurt I started to "shield" myself from him. I started to do things for me and not him. Ya I had and have sex with him everyday now but it is a 'chore' for me still. I thought maybe if I start 'hiding' my depression better and start having sex everyday he will "meet" my needs.......it didn't happen. In January he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore because of my weight (30lbs overweight) so I really "harden my heart" and started to lose my weight and take care of myself. And guess what.......I felt so much better about myself that sex didn't seem like a "chore" like it used to be. I enjoyed it but sex is still something I can go without ( I don't need it everyday but I understand that he does)

So losing the weight helped a lot with my self confidence but didn't change the way he treated me. And we are back at square 1 again.

On the Sex issue: Just from my experience I lost my sex drive after the first year of our marriage. Sex has always been "chore" for me and I really don't ever get into it. When Husband brought it up to me and I started to "pretend" I wanted it more (but I don't) I say the same things to him " Your taking to long" or "Don't that tickles" when really in my head all I am thinking is hurry up so I can get back to doing what I was doing. It also becomes even more of a hassle for me when he wants to try "new" things or "takes his time" or wants me to "lead". Because honestly I am fine without having sex.

However my Husband has hurt me emotionally so much that having sex with him makes me feel this way.
Being treated nice and having a shoulder to cry on or having a best friend, feeling appreciated makes me want to "please" him more. I get turned on more and want to do those things for him when I am treated right and respected.
So doing things around the house without her asking or rubbing her back or feet just because will get you what you want. Show her you love her by listening to her and connecting emotionally and once she feels that love she will be more willing and wanting to "rock your world".

And just be there for her, she is in a lot of pain and your her prince in shinning armor to come in on a white horse and save her. She is waiting for you to step up and needs you to guide her. Depression sucks, can you see why she is depressed? I can.
 

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Sleeping in the same bed, I just dont see it happening. I've brought it up, but nothing ever came of it. I even hinted that it was affecting the marriage. I told her we should sleep in the same bed, you know like actual married people do. Still nothing. It's not her sleep patterns. She could tapdance on the bed and it wouldn't wake me up.
This is how we sleep as well. So sorry for saying this and I'm not your wife so maybe she isn't feeling like I do but I don't like to share the bed with my Husband because he annoys me and has hurt me so much that the less I see him the better. I would rather sleep with my kiddos and cuddle with them. Again he isn't there for me emotionally and has broken me down.

After reading what you have wrote I think tonight I am going to try to sleep in the same bed as him. He has also brought it up and nothing has came from it. I will try because I didn't know it was a big deal and he always brings it up, I feel bad for ignoring him about it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Ya I had and have sex with him everyday now but it is a 'chore' for me still.
Every day? Wow. You're a saint in my book. (if that reads as sarcasm, I promise it's not)

Although, I wouldn't want her to do it just because I want it. A big part, probably the biggest part, of sex for me is pleasuring her and feeling wanted by her.

30 lbs overwieght, are we talking technically overweight? Because I think the "correct" weights are a little low anyway. My wife was never scrawny. She was about 140-150 (technically overweight for her height) when we got married and sexy as hell.
 

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What about you? Are you in shape? If your overweight she might see you in the same light.

Which kinda brings me to what you need to do.
1) Work on yourself. Get in shape if needed. She may just start joining in after a while.
2) Man Up. Run the relationship.
3) If #1 is completed and #2 is working and she still isn't motivated, set a time limit and improvements needed or you will drop the divorce "nuke".

MMSL might be your best bet. Work on yourself and then set boundaries/consequences of what you expect.
 

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Thanks for the responses. I know it sounds like I'm just bashing on her, I really don't mean to. I know I could do more to help her along.

AVR - About her needs
1- affection Honestly no. I would but she's either sitting at the kitchen table smoking or doing something and doesn't want to be disturbed. I actually like and want affection as well.
2- conversation We talk. But it's usually small talk and if the convo gets to serious she changes the subject (usually to a pet)
3-honesty and openness Yes, I guess. I obviously haven't discussed this with her yet, but every thing else is pretty much out there.
4- financial support Yes. I make a good income for our area.
5- family commitment Yes. Excepting the present considerations.

coffee - No, she doesn't have much "her" time, hardly any actually. I know I made a big deal about the sex. I guess I'm focusing on that. But I was actually thinking, if nothing else changed but sex was more regular, would it change how I'm feeling? I don't think so. I think I'm just overall dissatisfied with the relationship, but being male I guess I'm focusing on the sexual aspect.

I'm not sure she has depression. She went to her gyno before we ever had kids because she was moody/mad. She prescribed the welbutrin. I don't know if a gyno should be prescribing antidepressants or not. Just doesn't seem like an actual diagnosis was done.

Sleeping in the same bed, I just dont see it happening. I've brought it up, but nothing ever came of it. I even hinted that it was affecting the marriage. I told her we should sleep in the same bed, you know like actual married people do. Still nothing. It's not her sleep patterns. She could tapdance on the bed and it wouldn't wake me up.
Sounds to me like your wife has reached an emotional wall and is no longer accepting of your input. That came from somewhere. If she felt you were being selfish and meeting all your own needs but not helping out around the house or with the kids this will make her take a step back emotionally. If she feels you are not interested in her she will protect herself from further hurt. Perhaps she does not think you are interested in her. I wouod suggest counseling, sounds like you both need help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
MrHappy, I ready MMSL just last week. Good read and definately found some things to work on in there. Trying to be more decisive, no more "I don't know where do you want to eat?" type stuff.

I'd say I'm moderately out of shape. 6' 200lbs. Not fat all over, bit of a spare tire though. I've been working out for about the last week and eating better.

I gotta say though when reading the MMSL, I found myself more picturing a single me or the next relationship than this marriage. I'm probably just a selfish bastard.
 
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