Talk About Marriage banner

Would you be concerned?

  • Nah, just a friendship. Chill man.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Maybe, it is a red flag situation for sure.

    Votes: 4 13.3%
  • Something is going on, but don't do anything stupid

    Votes: 20 66.7%
  • Pure Lies! Deal with the fool!

    Votes: 6 20.0%
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 100 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello All,

I have a dilema, and I wanted some third part advice. I'm going to try to give as much unbiased info as possible, so you can look at the situation without taking sides.

I have been with my wife for 14 years. We are early thirties. First and only lovers. Neither of us have ever cheated. We are private people that like to spend time together and with our kids at home.

Recently my wife has been spending time at work that seems a bit excessive. She teaches and has always done more afterschool work than most. I have grown used to that. lately though she had been talking to her "friend" who is on the maintanence staff for long periods of time and not coming home as early as usual. Her day ends at 3pm and she used to be home typically at 4:30-5:30. Lately its been as late as 8.

I did not suspect anything until one night she fell asleep on the couch with my son. I generally charge her phone because she forgets alot. I picked up the phone and saw on her facebook account that she had been facebooking with her friend at work. Again, I didn't really think much till I saw the one post..."You have no idea how much you mean to me" Obviously I was beyond concerned at this point. I read on. Seems they have been chatting about a move called Fireproof. Her friend apparently told her that it reminds him alot of my wife and I.

--For those who havent seen it, Fireproof is a move that deals with a man and woman who grew apart and find each other after the husband learns that his addiction to self pleasure such as a boat and pornography are ill fitting for a successful marriage. The wife is primed and ready to just on her "friend" from work. The couple eventually realize how much they mean to each other and are stronger for it.--

So this movie was watched by my wife alone, since she told her friend that I am not into moves like this. I have watched tons of movies like this with her and anjoy them though. In any event, I confronted her in the morning before work about the situation. She said I am crazy and they are just friends. The one facebook message that bothered me more than the others was not ment that way she said. She told me that she was commenting on his honesty on a topic she feels I was not ever honest about with her.

--The topic is pornography. I used to make money off selling pornography to my friends before I met my wife. VHS tapes for a quick $10 bucks kinda thing. I never really considered the impact it had on me or society at the time. I do however understand. Especially since I am a father and husband. A year ago, we had some nasty stuff show up on our computer. She blamed me, and I tiold her I was innocent. We fought for a long time, then we went to counceling. SHe suspected that I was guilty due to my past and reaction to the situation. I was not very comforting to her when she accused me. We worked through and have been very happy--

So her friend said he looks at pornography on occassion, and she explained why he shouldn't. He said he's free and clear or looking at stuff like that and she's very proud she helped him.

Back to the issues at hand. I watched the movie and was pretty angry because it seems like he was saying that my wife, him, and I were the three actors. I take issue with the comparison and that he would play the part of a man trying to steal a married woman away as the actor does. I texted and told her that I was angry and watched the movie. As I was talking to her, she was talking to her friend via text. She was letting him know what I was saying and that I was coming to confront him. I didn't know she was speaking with him until I did some digging though. I found that she deleted all the facebook and phone messages. I found a place on her phone that she forgot to clear. It help partial pieces of deleted info. I have never been one to root through her personal messages but this was a unique situation.

We argued quite a bit about the situation and she said its just a friendship. She said the comment that bothered me actually bothered her friend as well. She said her friend felt the comment was wierd, but knows that women are more emotional and say things like that but don't mean what men think it does. I ended up talking to this guy on the phone and we hashed out the situation. I told my wife I'm fine with the friendship, but please don't delete messages or use over affectionate terms with other men on facebook. It makes me suspicious. She agreed and said she wouldnt. Or at least I thought so.

I came home from work one night and I sat down to do use the computer for work. I noticed a chat session between her and her friend was there. It didn't seem to be anything to concern myself with, but I noticed a gap in the messages. Almost as if there was something said and then deleted from the thread. I went to change and came back down to see that she had deleted the conversation completely. Again...I'm angry. Whats so secret? Why delete them even after a promise was made not to? We argue some more. I get to the bottom of it from him and her that they were discussing christmas music and dancing with the kids. She said she deleted a message where she said that she doesnt dance arond the christmas tree becuase I may think she is weird. She thought that comment would upset me and decided to delete it for my own happiness. I never really believed her this time, and we have been bickering ever since.

It doesn't end yet though. She is coming home late as I said, so I have been getting very angry. She is afraid that I am going to show up at work and destroy her career. I have an very bad temper when I think somebody is trying to destroy my family. One night she came home and thought I was going to confront her friend. I told her I was just going out to buy some stuff. It was stuff for out 14th year engagement actually, so I didn't tell her everywhere where I was going. The next day, I was looking at our phone bill and noticed a call to her friend when I was at the store the night before. The call was a 10 minute conversation. I asked to see her phone and found that she deleted the call...and lied again. She said it was a call to tell him I wasn't comeing to work to confront him and she deleted it again so I didn't get mad.

I called and texted her friend to no avail. He can't supply me with the messages she deleted to help clear this mess. His wife suspects him of having an affair with an ex girlfriend and hacked his facebook account to delete info.

Its all very frustrating to me and I am at a loss. Since then we argue alot. She tells me hes just a friend and that they are like brother and sister. They talk about how fun kids are and that we all need to get together and do someting fun. I work nights and stay home with our kids all day. I tell her that she is spending time with her friend that is better spent at home with her kids. She said she needs to stay and do work and shes not just talking to him.

No more messages have been deleted that I know of. She had an hour long facebook chat with him a few nights ago where he suggested she listen to somebody play the piano version of Nelly's Dream song. I listened to the lyrics and its a love song that I don't think is approiate for him to suggest him to listen to.

Last night they texted from 12:34-3:48 while I was asleep. I saw the texts and it was just pointless work banter, but there were 113 texts in the thread.

This is a loooooong post I know. Please contact me if you have any advice or insite. All I want to do at this point is destroy this guy. If he didn't keep dodging me I already would have. Am I over reacting? is this friendship a bit excessive? Do you think I am right to suspect infidelity??

Thanks...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Your wife is having an emotional affair that may or may not have turned physical.

You are not overreacting, but do not do something that will harm yourself or your family. Instead, firmly let her know that she is prioritizing his well-being over yours, and that this is unacceptable. Either she drop the relationship altogether or drop him. I would also require 100% transparency and make it clear that ANY hint of communication between them outside of work will be reason to split up, and be clear that yes, you will expose her and him at the workplace. Consider requiring a keystroke logger on the computer until you no longer have reason to suspect her behavior.

Last, recognize that she feels like her needs aren't being met and take corrective action to make sure your marriage is all she could ever want it to be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
I have been here for a very long time and see this all the time, she is having an EA and she knows its wrong.
The biggest red flag is her consistant attempt to hid her relatioship with the janitor.
Throw the coming home late in to the mix and you have an affair.

Have you looked into other red flags?

get some spy gear like a VAR (voice activated recorder) and plant it under her car seat with some velcrow tape, install a keylogger, and if you have the dough hire a PI.

You have every right to protect your self from more deciet so act now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
I just wish there was a way to recover deleted facebook messages. I could then see if this is a EA or a PA and deal with it accordingly...

She says that the reason she deltetes the messages is because she doesn't want me to see them and get mad. I do have a very bad temper. People tell me I am very scary when I'm mad and they worry what I will do. I've never hit her, my kids, etc but I tend to break things and call her friend and tell him to man up an meet me somewhere. She also says that she stays at work longer than necessary beacuse of fear. Fear that I will go confront him when she gets home. She is worried I will destroy her career over nothing but a friendship. She knows I can't leave the house since I'm with the kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
812 Posts
I just wish there was a way to recover deleted facebook messages. I could then see if this is a EA or a PA and deal with it accordingly...

She says that the reason she deltetes the messages is because she doesn't want me to see them and get mad. I do have a very bad temper. People tell me I am very scary when I'm mad and they worry what I will do. I've never hit her, my kids, etc but I tend to break things and call her friend and tell him to man up an meet me somewhere. She also says that she stays at work longer than necessary beacuse of fear. Fear that I will go confront him when she gets home. She is worried I will destroy her career over nothing but a friendship. She knows I can't leave the house since I'm with the kids.
If she doesn't want to destroy her career tell her to drop the friendship. She is blaming you for her actions. Put it back on her.

Cool heads prevail. I suggest you need to work on your "poker face" .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Never stuck her. I hit or break things while storming out of the room like coffee table, wall, pictures, etc. We are both verbally abusive when we get mad. We know each others hot buttons, since we been together for 14 years. We seem to go to unhelpful words when the argument keeps going in a circle.

She knew I would get mad when I found out. She know I would find out as well she said. She didn't want to add gas to the fire atm. She said she was trying to leave that arguement for another day...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,287 Posts
If she is deleting messages she thinks will make you mad, guess what? She shouldn't be saying them at all! I'm also in agreement that this is, at the very least, an emotional affair. You know what? Your wife says you all need to get together? Go for it... and have it out with them both, together. His wife suspects something, albeit she believes someone else is the object of her husband's affections, not your wife. So get it all out in the open, together. And, tell them you will not put up with this any longer.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
He is afraid of me now and his wife I think may have left him. She deleted her facebook account and all. I spoke to her via facebook and she didn't show concern about my wife but was really mad about his ex girlfriend from highschool.

My wife claims that I just don't want her to have friends or that she can only have female friends. I have never complained about any other people being her friend until now. This friend is screwing up my family wether it is an affair or not.

I have been trying to stay calmer and stop assuming things. Thats why I came here. To seek out other opinions, since I just have my own atm and anger may be clouding it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Yeah, it's an EA alright

At the least, she's sharing thoughts and emotions she should only share with her husband. She's also discussing aspects about your marriage that are private and should only be discussed between the 2 of you.

Definitely key log the PC and VAR her car. She may be trying to go more underground with this via secret email accounts and possibly a burner phone.

You need to keep that temper in check! Get yourself into some kind of anger management counseling right away!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I also forgot to mention in my initial post something that seems odd to me as well. Her friend has told her that he is pretty sure his wife cheated on him at one point but he could never prove it. He said he always wahted to cheat on his wife to get revenge until he found God and forgave her. He believes that God is always guiding him on the proper path. My wife told him that she used to want to get revenge on me when she thought I was looking at pornography and cheat on me.

Additionally, this conversation noted above happened before they became good friends. At one point my wife said that there is a guy that makes her feel uncomfortable and to call her so she doesn't get caught up talking to him. She said he talks alot to everyone but she felt uneasy.

That made me think that he was being agressive with her and she was worried about being attacked or something.

She commented on facebook at one point that he and her are so much alike that they could be twins. And he is a male version of her...This disturbes me since I we always said we were the most alike and each others best friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
"This friend is screwing up my family wether it is an affair or not."

Agreed. In a marriage if one spouse has a problem with one of the other spouse's friends, that friend should be removed. This goes both ways. If your wife has an issue with one of your friends, you should remove that friend from the equation.

That said, if you or she has a problem with many or all of the friends, there's definitely something else going on
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
LOL! I went to anger management when we went to marriage counseling. They said I don't have anger issues and I should just hit pillow instead of hard or expensive things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
I know this gets suggest a lot, but here goes again.

You both need marriage counseling. I think she should send a NC letter (I know he works there but still NC) and you should work on your temper (sounds like she should, too). Breaking things is scary for your kids to witness and is the behavior of an ill-tempered toddler.

You need to work with the counselor to learn how to work through issues without being verbally abusive. Adults talk to each other, LISTEN to each other and come up with a solution together that is beneficial to the family as a whole. They do not yell obscenities, put each other down or do things that are intentionally hurtful or deceitful nor break things and storm about like a child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I have become full disclosure after our issue last year. I used to play PS3 in the "man cave" with some friends online. She accused me of using the PS3 for no good along with the computer. I don't surf the internet like I used to and watch youtube video or play MMOs anymore so there is no reason for suspicion. My family consists of drug addicts and generally bad people all around. I distanced my self from them for my kids and her. I try to cut that bad out of my life so I can be happy. I'm not happy right now though...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Whats an NC letter? I have explained that Family->Self->Others is the model in which I live. I agree though that breaking things and yelling solves nothing. I usually try to talk it out but then get frustrated. The counceler we went to said I should leave and cool off. Im usually the 1st to start yelling since I'm frustrated nothing it changing. Its definitly something that needs worked on though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Whats an NC letter?
No contact. She needs to cut off all contact with him and advise him that she will no longer have contact with him because her marriage comes first.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,287 Posts
So a NC letter is a physical page that states that and she gives him?
Yes. But you need to proofread it to be sure she's not saying "big bad husband is making me give up our friendship. You mean the world to me, but this is goodbye"... that stuff throws it back on you as the problem.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 20 of 100 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top