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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
It started out we were giving the 17 year old advice. I made a comment to hubby to remember what he was like at that age. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, he said that I belittled him and basically was saying for the 17 year old NOT to listen to his advice.

I explained that I just meant to think what delivery of said advice would be easier for the 17 year old to accept.

Then 17 year old came back in room and I said directly to him that I was wrong to have belittled his Dad's advice because he usually has great advice and he should listen to his Dad. (infront of his Dad).

I tried to make it right. and hubby said, "No, No...." in a very sarcastic tone, and I just left the room. What else could I have done, what else was I supposed to have done? I was upset and crying and hubby came to find me and then told me to knock it off.

And I said, "well I tried to make it right but that wasn't good enough," and he said, just forget about it and move on....

And that's when I got more upset...it's fine for him to be sarcasitc and not accept my attempt to make things right, but if I get upset, let's just brush it under the carpet and ignore it.

I think I"m going totally insane. Am I? Am I completely wrong to get upset that he brushed off my attempt to make it right and then brushed off my being upset?

I think I am going crazy. Literally. How else should I have handled this, other than to have never given my opinion on anything?

I'm really upset and confused....why it is to easier to see other people's problems and solutions, but I feel so lost at my own? I'm too old for this nonsense! LOL

--thanks

EDIT: well, we did end up talking about it for a little while, and while I can understand better the hows and whys, I am basically still very hurt. See the 17 year old is actually my stepson, and somehow, eventhough my time, energy, money, home, thoughts are all good enough and EXPECTED, hubby has a hard time if I disagree or have my own opinion (which might be different than his) on raising the stepson. He confided that he knows it's not right, but he just wants to tell me to butt out. I guess somehow because I gave birth to the other two, I have more of a right....I mean, really, I have no right, legally where the stepson is involved, but for crying out loud, the man married me and respects my opinions on other things, why isn't that good enough now? Plus, I hurt his pride.....even though I thought all I was doing was putting in my own opinion, which wasn't even saying, "NO, I disagree", still somehow it was like a huge blow to his pride, infront of his son who's almost a man. I couldn't have botched that one up any worse. And yet I pointed out to hubby that he never holds back from an opinion when he has one.

So anyway, even though we talked, we didn't really come to any 'conclusion' or make-up. I am deeply hurt, but I think so is he.....but I tried to make it better, I even said to my stepson later this evening that I really meant what I said earlier, that his Dad gives great advice and I didn't mean to come across as disrespectful of his advice. Hubby of course doesn't know this because he's in the bedroom.

ARGH.....I think I should just walk around with imaginary duct tape on my mouth, then maybe we wouldn't argue....how can we argue if I don't talk????????? LOL
 

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I certainly don't think you're going insane, and I think there's allot of people going around wearing that imaginary duct tape. My guess is that your hubby was upset when he saw that he's upset you, and the way he showed it was by getting irritated. It doesn't help make things better, but it shows he cares. After all, if he didn't respect your opinion then it wouldn't be worth his stressing over ....
 

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:flowerkitty:Hello Reddevilmary,

I am sorry that you are experiencing such stress when you are trying to be a good mother to your stepson. When I have conflict with one of my daughters (from a prior marriage), I prefer for my husband to not get directly involved unless I ask for his advice and perception. I prefer for him to share his perception discretely without my daughters present. If he acts as a mediator in front of my daughters, my daughters may either alienate him as a stepfather or I may feel he is not supporting me. He would really be in a catch-22 position.

I don’t think what you said was wrong, as a matter of fact, it was good advice. As parents, we may forget our children are only emotionally and mentally their chronological age. We have the tendency to talk to our children at our chronological age and this contributes to miscommunication. Therefore, your advice was very good because you were suggesting to your husband to “talk into his son’s listening”, which is being mindful that his son is only 17 with the perceptions, emotions and experiences of a 17 year old.

I suggest considering how effective you may have been if your advice was given discreetly to your husband without your stepson present. This would allow your husband to “save face” and a chance to “clean up” his communication with his son without you getting in to the middle. Of course, I am making the assumption that your husband will listen. Some people are locked into their own perceptions and are not open to other possible perceptions.

You may also consider asking your husband how he would have preferred for you to share your advice and perceptions in regards to his son. Let him know that you want to be supportive of them both of them. I think this may be an effective way for you to talk into your husband's listening. Good luck!:)
 

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Sounds like he is acting a little childish, and I also think you were wrong to then try and 'make things right'. You were asked your opinion and you gave it, too bad if it doesn't agree with his. You need to stand up for yourself a little more. You have two kids of your own, so your opinion is valid.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks everyone....the good news is that he apologized and said he over reacted, and I also learned that I must tread lightly where this arena is concerned....

I also liked the advice of talking discreetly first when no children are present.

Having the stepson living with us full-time is new, only about six weeks and I think hubby is feeling a tremendous amount of pressure from within to help turn his son into a man!

Thanks again!
 

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Ahhh.. If the stepson being with you is new then as you say hubby will be walking on eggshells. First he wants to show the son that living with you both is going to be better than where he was before (maybe there were some issues there, which is why he is with you?) At the same time he wants to exert some discipline, and is a bit confused about how much is enough or too much.

Maybe he thought you putting in your opinion at that time, undermined him, or was too strict, worrying that son would get upset.

Persevere and you'll both get it right. You are doing a good thing by taking him into your home, and I am sure he will eventually be grateful. (17yr olds take a while to figure those things out lol!)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak.....we are all trying to figure this out, wanting it to indeed be better for stepson, yet draw some boundaries and set goals etc....he is actually a great kid and already grateful, he's a pleasure to have in our home! (do I sound like a proud mama bear??? ha ha....I've been in this child's life since he was four years old, and while I would never claim to be as important as mom or dad, I believe I have been a good step-parent and try to maintain a good relationship with him so that he has an adult he can go to without it resulting in *too many* lectures! ha ha)
 
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