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Discussion Starter #1
So...wondering if this group can give me some help on some ideas for initiating sex. I am the HD partner, and years of a lot of rejection left me a bit hesitant to initiate, even though I am the higher drive partner. When I do, it often comes off with either a lack of confidence, or too blunt. As some progress has happened in my marriage in the last couple years, my wife has shared that my approach is often either lacking confidence (which is not sexy), or does not offer something that is so appealing that it will take her from "not really thinking about sex" to "ok...that might be fun".

I agree with her, and know that I used to be pretty creative, but enough rejection made me feel awkward about putting myself out there. I am very confident in every other area of my life, but somewhat timid about initiating sex, and timid is not sexy.

Now, I often am either direct (which sometimes is ok for her), or I just sit and wait for her to initiate, which is less often than I would like, by far. I know every woman is different, on how they like to be approached about sex, and what invitations work and which do not, but wondering if other of you HD partners found the act of initiating gets complicated, after a lot of rejection. It is self defeating, because if I initiated more often, in an appealing way, I would probably get more sex and better sex, but I honestly dont know where to start. It seems (in my head), that my LD wife will not necessarily get very intrigued by something simple, and it takes something fairly erotic to get her wheels turning, but if I am too blatant or blunt, and she is not yet "horny", it can be a turn off.

Have any of you guys lost your creativity or had it stunted, due to so much rejection?
 

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Working with a Sex Therapist, it was suggested that we schedule days we will have sex. It started out at Wednesday and Saturday. It is now either Wednesday or Thursday and Saturday or Sunday. The therapist suggested and it is also the suggestion of Schnarch in Intimacy and Desire that the LD partner be in charge of initiating sex. If my wife forgets (hard to imagine) I will suggest that I would like to have sex with her so that I can feel emotionally close to her.

Good luck
 

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Go to Touch of Flavor and check out their Desire Chart. That provides a visual for who feels up to what. Also, and this could end up going into areas you'd rather not think about, there are interest check lists. I use them quite often with BDSM play, so the ones I have are quite extensive. But even so, aside from learning what each other enjoy or are curious about, you might discover things you didn't realize existed to perk your interest. You will also many WTF activities.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Working with a Sex Therapist, it was suggested that we schedule days we will have sex. It started out at Wednesday and Saturday. It is now either Wednesday or Thursday and Saturday or Sunday. The therapist suggested and it is also the suggestion of Schnarch in Intimacy and Desire that the LD partner be in charge of initiating sex. If my wife forgets (hard to imagine) I will suggest that I would like to have sex with her so that I can feel emotionally close to her.

Good luck
We did read all the Schnarch books, based on advise from counselor, many years ago. Helped for while, but they we both reverted back to our "old ways". The scheduling thing is not great for either my wife or I. We did try once, but felt she was not really into it, when it was just because the calendar said it was our sex day...
 

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Would like to know how men like to see initiation from their partners. Im the more sexual person - would like to have sex a few times a week. He wants to have it once or twice a year. Im the one that needs to initiate everything. Men can be a little dense sometimes - so me just laying in bed with a nightgown on - isnt a big signal. Any ideas? I have tried almost everything I can think of.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Would like to know how men like to see initiation from their partners. Im the more sexual person - would like to have sex a few times a week. He wants to have it once or twice a year. Im the one that needs to initiate everything. Men can be a little dense sometimes - so me just laying in bed with a nightgown on - isnt a big signal. Any ideas? I have tried almost everything I can think of.
maybe skip the nightgown, go full nude, and don't be shy about telling him exactly what you want. You can also just start touching yourself, and ask him to help you finish
 

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Would like to know how men like to see initiation from their partners. Im the more sexual person - would like to have sex a few times a week. He wants to have it once or twice a year. Im the one that needs to initiate everything. Men can be a little dense sometimes - so me just laying in bed with a nightgown on - isnt a big signal. Any ideas? I have tried almost everything I can think of.
Perhaps start you own thread so as not to derail this poster's thread.
 

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So...wondering if this group can give me some help on some ideas for initiating sex. I am the HD partner, and years of a lot of rejection left me a bit hesitant to initiate, even though I am the higher drive partner. When I do, it often comes off with either a lack of confidence, or too blunt. As some progress has happened in my marriage in the last couple years, my wife has shared that my approach is often either lacking confidence (which is not sexy), or does not offer something that is so appealing that it will take her from "not really thinking about sex" to "ok...that might be fun".

I agree with her, and know that I used to be pretty creative, but enough rejection made me feel awkward about putting myself out there. I am very confident in every other area of my life, but somewhat timid about initiating sex, and timid is not sexy.

Now, I often am either direct (which sometimes is ok for her), or I just sit and wait for her to initiate, which is less often than I would like, by far. I know every woman is different, on how they like to be approached about sex, and what invitations work and which do not, but wondering if other of you HD partners found the act of initiating gets complicated, after a lot of rejection. It is self defeating, because if I initiated more often, in an appealing way, I would probably get more sex and better sex, but I honestly dont know where to start. It seems (in my head), that my LD wife will not necessarily get very intrigued by something simple, and it takes something fairly erotic to get her wheels turning, but if I am too blatant or blunt, and she is not yet "horny", it can be a turn off.

Have any of you guys lost your creativity or had it stunted, due to so much rejection?
If she's just saying "you didn't do the getting started with sex intro right" without herself, right then, saying "ok, let's start this way" each time, then she's just blowing you off, using her choice excuse of the day, to say no.

If this continues she'll have you dancing like a marionette trying to find "her right" combination, which if course failing to do so is always your fault she doesn't feel like it.

Which is hogwash.
 

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So...wondering if this group can give me some help on some ideas for initiating sex. I am the HD partner, and years of a lot of rejection left me a bit hesitant to initiate, even though I am the higher drive partner. When I do, it often comes off with either a lack of confidence, or too blunt. As some progress has happened in my marriage in the last couple years, my wife has shared that my approach is often either lacking confidence (which is not sexy), or does not offer something that is so appealing that it will take her from "not really thinking about sex" to "ok...that might be fun".

I agree with her, and know that I used to be pretty creative, but enough rejection made me feel awkward about putting myself out there. I am very confident in every other area of my life, but somewhat timid about initiating sex, and timid is not sexy.

Now, I often am either direct (which sometimes is ok for her), or I just sit and wait for her to initiate, which is less often than I would like, by far. I know every woman is different, on how they like to be approached about sex, and what invitations work and which do not, but wondering if other of you HD partners found the act of initiating gets complicated, after a lot of rejection. It is self defeating, because if I initiated more often, in an appealing way, I would probably get more sex and better sex, but I honestly dont know where to start. It seems (in my head), that my LD wife will not necessarily get very intrigued by something simple, and it takes something fairly erotic to get her wheels turning, but if I am too blatant or blunt, and she is not yet "horny", it can be a turn off.

Have any of you guys lost your creativity or had it stunted, due to so much rejection?
It really is a use it or lose it situation. Yes, I've found that the longer we go without, the more difficult it is to get things going again. To the point where as the higher drive spouse I don't even really want to anymore.

It's good that you're seeing progress in your marriage, which would seem to offer some hope. I'd suggest if the issue is getting her from not thinking about sex to possibly considering it, the solution may be to start planting the idea earlier in the day by flirting with her well before you intend to actually follow through--just to get it on her radar and let her process it in her mind.
 

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The observation on whether she's changed, and wants to be there for you on this, is that she'll not use your approaches as "you didn't get there this time, maybe next time" as excuses.

She shouldn't, but might be still, putting all her rejections as your fault.

If she continues that, she hasn't gotten on board so far, just lip service.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
It seems, from my observations, that my wife, being the LD partner and not having much spontaneous desire, needs something fairly intriguing to get her interested and that my approach is not often doing that. I actually do not disagree, but I feel frustrated, that I did put in a lot of effort and creativity for many years, still go rejected, and now a bit gun shy to put myself out there. She does offer suggestions, or says "you are the high drive person...you think of creative ways", but it never seems that simple. Sometimes, it really seems so based on her hormonal state, that what I do or do not do, is not really a factor. She wants it to be my issue, and lack of creativity on initiating, but based on years of attempts, I think she is either already open to the idea or not, and nothing I do will change that. I might take away her interest by being an ass or something, but if she has no current interest, nothing I do will just suddenly change that, so I go back to waiting for her to initiate, and that happens much less often.

I feel that all the past rejection, has taken away my sexual self confidence.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
what's your success rate been recently? above or below 50%?
depends on your definition of success. My wife will more often than not be willing to "service me", if I were to ask, but I dont have much interest in that, so my "measure" is times I initiate, and have an INTERESTED partner...which would push the percentage down to maybe 20%.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
depends on your definition of success. My wife will more often than not be willing to "service me", if I were to ask, but I dont have much interest in that, so my "measure" is times I initiate, and have an INTERESTED partner...which would push the percentage down to maybe 20%.
again though......I really do think a lot is in my approach.....
 

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It seems, from my observations, that my wife, being the LD partner and not having much spontaneous desire, needs something fairly intriguing to get her interested and that my approach is not often doing that. I actually do not disagree, but I feel frustrated, that I did put in a lot of effort and creativity for many years, still go rejected, and now a bit gun shy to put myself out there. She does offer suggestions, or says "you are the high drive person...you think of creative ways", but it never seems that simple. Sometimes, it really seems so based on her hormonal state, that what I do or do not do, is not really a factor. She wants it to be my issue, and lack of creativity on initiating, but based on years of attempts, I think she is either already open to the idea or not, and nothing I do will change that. I might take away her interest by being an ass or something, but if she has no current interest, nothing I do will just suddenly change that, so I go back to waiting for her to initiate, and that happens much less often.

I feel that all the past rejection, has taken away my sexual self confidence.

OP, you're not getting the point being shared to you, to realize she's still gaming you with these objections.

Her rejecting you isn't your fault. She's purposefully telling you no, and will have the same no, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO when initiating.

You've got to realize, understand, acknowledge, and respond from that understanding/position at some point.

She either acts conducive, ie helpful to having a sexual encounter or she doesn't.

There's no accepting by you of her blaming you for HER "no".

Each of your replies keep reinforcing that you believe her every time she says it's your fault she says no.

Kindly, why is that?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
OP, you're not getting the point being shared to you, to realize she's still gaming you with these objections.

Her rejecting you isn't your fault. She's purposefully telling you no, and will have the same no, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO when initiating.

You've got to realize, understand, acknowledge, and respond from that understanding/position at some point.

She either acts conducive, ie helpful to having a sexual encounter or she doesn't.

There's no accepting by you of her blaming you for HER "no".

Each of your replies keep reinforcing that you believe her every time she says it's your fault she says no.

Kindly, why is that?
I get where you are going with this, and I have read many of your posts/comments on TAM and know (and appreciate) your take on these matters. My "believing her", is because I can look from an outside view, and know that many of my advances are "timid" (not sure of a better word to use), and can see why any women may not find that very sexy or appealing. After a lot of rejection, I seem to now come off like a sad puppy dog, wanting attention from my owner. I even see myself sometimes coming off as desperate, and I agree (even without her ever saying anything), that desperate is far from appealing. I believe, regardless if it is my wife, or some new women, I need to retrain myself to approach this with confidence and offer something or appeal. My struggle, is that that is easy to say outside the moment, but seems a challenge when it comes time to do it. And,......its only in this area of my life. I have no issues with assertiveness or confidence in my work place, with social friends, raising my kids, etc.

A marriage counselor told me a few year ago, that I was focusing on my partner being at the same level of sexual interest (in the moment) as I was, and if I sensed it otherwise, I backed off and said "never mind". There is some truth to that. For me, its not about just getting the act of sex (that is easy to do), but about sharing in the eroticism and sexual energy with your partner. This all plays into my initiation...if I try....get a half ass response, I take that as a rejection.
 

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So a few suggestions since you asked.
DO THESE EXPECTING you will get her into bed -- do NOT be timid.

When she is at the counter in the kitchen, hug her from behind, move her hair aside, and start kissing her neck. Then walk away. Go back and do that again in a few minutes, and then say "come with me" and go to your bed.

Give her a look, smile, reach out your hand and grab hers, then pull her into the bedroom. Undress her, throw her on the bed, and YOU give her oral sex.

Give her a nude massage with oils.

Take a shower with your wife and wash her hair for her.

For THIS one, Start with a foot rub while watching TV. BUT don't expect anything. Just start doing these types of touches and at somepoint MAYBE she will start responding to that. The point is to have some good touching, some physical intimacy that may NOT have to lead to sex, but just start her used to being touched.
 

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A marriage counselor told me a few year ago, that I was focusing on my partner being at the same level of sexual interest (in the moment) as I was, and if I sensed it otherwise, I backed off and said "never mind". There is some truth to that. For me, its not about just getting the act of sex (that is easy to do), but about sharing in the eroticism and sexual energy with your partner. This all plays into my initiation...if I try....get a half ass response, I take that as a rejection.
Could it be that she's just bored with the same 'ol? What have you done to step up your game in bed to inspire her to be more tuned in?

Maybe it's not the pitch but the follow-through.
 

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My bf a timid initiator as well and it’s annoying. Most of the times I didn’t even realize he was trying until we talked about it the next day.

From a women’s point of view.... be confident, don’t over think our reactions/behavior, kiss kiss kiss, touch us over our clothes while you kiss us. This kissing and touching before your even in the bedroom is the best foreplay. And gently touch us, don’t grab and squeeze us during the foreplay time.
 
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