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It's been a week and 1 day and my wife confessed to me that she had a one night stand.

Let me back up, we've been married 12 years and have 4 young kids. We met in college and when we married I was 22 and she was 25. A year into our marriage, I found out she was having an affair. I wanted to divorce her as it was so early but I couldn't bring myself to it and she was remorseful. We got through it - or so I thought. Fast forward to present day. Just recently I had to conduct a big project at work. We live on the east coast but she is from Hawaii. During this past summer she and the kids spent time in HI while I worked. While in HI, she would go clubbing every other week with her sister and cousins (all single/divorced btw). While there during that month she had 2 ONS with 2 different guys on 2 separate occasions. One of them was in the guys car near the club parking lot and the other was at a guys hotel nearby the club in Waikiki. She told me about the ONS with the guy in the car because it was unprotected sex and recently (she is back from HI now) she had a paps-mere and it came back positive for STD (something called HPV) so she wanted to tell me before I found out on my own. She was remorseful and cried alot and just 2 days ago, I told her if she wants to get it right to tell me if that was the only incident and with much reluctance she told me about the other ONS with a different guy she met at the bar and went back to his hotel. She didn't want to tell me about him because they wore a condom and the other situation was already bad enough and she didnt' want to hurt me more. In both cases she was madly drunk and admitted to just lusting.

She tells me its not me and she is beating herself up over what she did to me and the kids. I want to forgive her but I did once before and I don't know if I can. Sometimes I want to and don't want to be with anyone else but her and other times I'm so angry and hurt and don't want to see her...all while we are shielding our 4 kids from all this. I know the onus is 100% on her because she made this decision. I didn't think our marriage was on the rocks up until this point and she says it wasn't either, just that she was drunk and being stupid.

The thing is, this hurts so much, I haven't told anybody but I'm constantly tortured by images of her being entered by other men, them getting pleasure out of my wife. Her braking our vows again and trying to go through all this when I thought I would never have to again...thought we got it out of our way early in our marriage the first time she did this. Some dudes are now bragging to their buddies on how they scored and I wallow in anguish over the love of my life and mother of my children. It bothers me they don't know what they did to our family, hell she doesn't even remember their names. It hurts me that she didn't think of our kids or if she did, that she could block them out when she spread herself for these guys. I don't know why I'm telling you all, but I stumbled on here googling other folks that been through this. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions...need to hear from folks out there with any kind of advice...hell I don't even know what to ask....i'm just utterly lost.

I have thoughts of just taking a vacation to thailand or hong kong and just have as much sex as I can. I know that will make things worse but i'm so hurt and I don't know how to make it go away. I hate being a victim to this again and I have evil thoughts to make her feel what I'm going through. Other times I feel sorry for her. I just love her and wish I didn't.
 

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Heart breaking for you!

Look - it`s still early days. You are going to be swinging backwards and forwards for quite some time to come. Give yourself time, read some of the fab comments on here, and sooner or later you will know what to do.

Big hugs to you and your kids. My husband is a serial cheater. your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have you!
 

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The woman has cheated on you multiple times over a long period of time. She may have only told you about the ones she had to tell you about. There could easily have been others.

The writing is on the wall, it's BEEN on the wall.

If you forgive her she's only going to do it again.

You gave her a chance, and now your hand has been forced.

Of course this is only my opinion, it's easy to say it from where I sit but I can't imagine any way to fix this one.
 

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So sorry you're here first off.

Second, if she admitted to two ONS's then there were probably more. I would take time to think about this if I were you.

Would she have told you if she didn't contract the STD? (Incidentally this isn't too harmful for you but could cause cervical cancer in her depending upon the strain she contracted)

Does she seem remorseful about what she did or is she just sorry that she had to admit this to you?

She has the mentality of a serial cheater. Without help she will do this again. It's just a matter of time. You will have to watch her like a hawk for the rest of your marriage. Is this what you want?

Remember that nothing you did caused her to cheat. This is 100% on her. You were out working to support her and the kids and she goes on vacation and starts acting like you don't even exist.

If you do decide to Reconcile, then...

Did her family know? Whoever she was clubbing with, did they know? She cuts them off. Period. She tells her family what happened.

She goes completely transparent with all passwords to phone, facebook, email, etc.

No more girls night out, ever again. EVER. AGAIN.

She calls you and tells you where she is, where she is going, how long she'll be there, etc.

She gets individual counseling to figure out why she did this. Why she KEEPS doing this.

She volunteers any and all details you want. She even submits to a polygraph test if that's what it takes. No arguments.

And there are many other things she needs to do. She will have to do the heavy lifting here, not you.

But first you need to decide if this is even what you want. Think long and hard about this. There is no need to rush into a decision one way or the other. Your mind will change several times anyway.
 

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This isn't a one night stand.

It's a TWO night stand...at least.

And if it wasn't for the HPV, it seems you wouldn't have been informed about this either. See how much she is calling her sister and friends in Hawaii to set up an alibi.

If you'd like to give your wife an unambiguous message about how seriously you are taking this and how little her word means to you, DNA test your children.

Do it in front of her. Let her mull that. Ask her if there is anything else she wants to disclose because her window of opportunity is getting VERY small.

I'd get the name of the clubs she went to and get the names of some PI's in Hawaii.

Wow. So her 'answer' is that she just fell in lust. Ask her how often she falls in lust when you're at work or away.
 

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Sorry that you had be here

Bt read this
she would go clubbing every other week with her sister and cousins (all single/divorced btw)


told me about the ONS with the guy in the car because it was unprotected sex and recently (she is back from HI now) she had a paps-mere and it came back positive for STD (something called HPV) so she wanted to tell me before I found out on my own.

Only because she had to,no intention off telling at all

She was remorseful and cried alot and just 2 days ago
Sorry this is not remorse..Guilt,scared,more to the story..Very likely..


AGAIN nNO PLAN OF TELLING
told her if she wants to get it right to tell me if that was the only incident and with much reluctance she told me about the other ONS with a different guy she met at the bar and went back to his hotel. She didn't want to tell me about him because they wore a condom and the other situation was already bad enough and she didnt' want to hurt me more. In both cases she was madly drunk and admitted to just lusting.



Im sorry but there are more to this..She did not want to hurt :confused:you
 

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I don't believe it was only 2 one night stands. I also don't believe she only went clubbing ever other week. With toxic sister/cousin/friends you can be pretty damn sure she was out wh0ring herself every few days.

Look at it this way, she's away from her husband, emotionally vulnerable, next to toxic friends and in a warm climate, vacation spot, perfect for stranger sex with no strings attached. Do you really think once she tasted the single life of her younger days she would only stop at 2 guys for the month she was there?

It's probably too late but if she hasn't deleted her emails, text messages and call logs, you might find a few more guys in there.

Now as for giving her another chance one night stands are much harder to overcome because they are not like the normal emotional to physical affairs where you can pick up on the signs when it's in the emotional stage and prevent it from going into physical. By having ONS with strangers you can be sure she'll do it again whether it be the next time she goes to Hawaii or another vacation, or even the next time you two argue. It is not about being drunk or stupid, it's just she lacks the basics of commitment and some morality.

For the last part of your post I would strongly disencourage you to have an affair of your own to get back at her. That will stoop you down to her level and nothing else. You can and should expose what she did everyone close to you but that's as far as you should go in getting back at her. Otherwise you'll lose your dignity.
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Toxic friends and relatives can be a very powerful influence. Even as an adult, there is a tendency to go with the flow. I envision other men hitting on the bunch of them, with the others egging your wife on with, "you go, girl" "you deserve it" "hit that thing" "what 'husband name' doesn't know won't hurt him" and "what happens in HI stays in HI."

The first thing I think I'd want to do if I were in your shoes would be to separate the way she acted in HI from the way she acts at home. Does she have any "toxic" friends at home? Does she go out on girls' nights' out at home? Does she go out without you? If so, is there drinking involved?

Next, do you have access to her phone, computer, email, facebook, etc.? Have you looked at her emails, text messages, facebook messages, browser history? Have you looked at the cell phone bill to see if there are an unsual amount of calls/texts to a number you don't know?

She probably is not cheating on you at home, but it's worth checking out just to be sure.

As far as how many times she cheated on you in HI, what if there were more than two? What if there were three? Or five? Would it matter? It's possible it was only two times; it's also possible it was more.

Getting over this and getting rid of the mind movies: That's the toughest one yet. How did you get over it the first time she cheated on you early in the marriage? Chances are, that's the same way you'll get over this. My guess is that it will be the passage of time that does the most good. That and the avoidance of any "triggers" and her willingness to help you get over it by not blaming you, being apologetic, doing things to show you she lusts after you.
 

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Another thing I almost definitely would do is to contact your wife's parents and her aunts and uncles, the parents of her cousins, to let them know what went on while your wife visited HI. Let them know it's a shame, but how could your wife ever again visit without you being there?

I would ask your wife to limit contact with those who were involved in encouraging her adultery to just what is necessary to keep up on family events, niece and nephew events, etc., and to show you all messages to and from them. If you're not comfortable with what she is messaging them about, she should not do it to help you get over this.
 

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Wife is not remorseful. She only told you because she caught HPV and you were gonna find out eventually. If she never caught anything she was never gonna tell you.

She has most likely been cheating throughout your whole marriage.

Always always always divorce if theres infidelity early on in the marriage. Biggest black flag in the book of someone unfit to be married.

You may think its only once at the time but years down the road you're most likely gonna get this.=/
 

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First of all, read the newbies link.

See your doctor, take precautions/ treatment for STD.

You are in the early stages of turmoil. Take care not to take any quick decisions. You did make a decision early in the marriage, when she cheated.

This is not 2 one night stands. Years before she did cheat. Probably for many years.

So, take care of yourself. She is not a worthy wife. She did not respect the vows.

It will take long for you to overcome the anger, mental images.

Let me also tell: No revenge cheating.
 

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Make her take a polygraph. She threw you some crumbs about a second ONS because you wouldn't believe her "only one ONS" story She was very likely cheating on you through the marriage and many ONS. Check for evidence in her mails, phone records and texts if you can. She remembers their names but is protecting them and the real truth from reaching you

And you should probably divorce her and find a good decent women instead of taking risks by going to Thailand etc
 

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Make her take a polygraph. She threw you some crumbs about a second ONS because you wouldn't believe her "only one ONS" story She was very likely cheating on you through the marriage and many ONS. Check for evidence in her mails, phone records and texts if you can. She remembers their names but is protecting them and the real truth from reaching you

And you should probably divorce her and find a good decent women instead of taking risks by going to Thailand etc
This!
 

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I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER understand men who post on this sight calling husbands controlling for not wanting their wives to go clubbing.

NEVER!!!!!

The clubbing wives I understand. They don't want the gravy train to stop. But the cuckold husbands, never.
Agreed. I hated every time, even though it was maybe twice a year, that Regret had a GNO with her friends. All of them married to boot. All of them now former friends. Funny f'ng thing is that it always seems that they wanna do GNO but you never hear of a Guys Night Out...only golf or some other kind of day sporting event.

I told Regret, who now sees it, how sad it must look to all the 20 somethings seeing the 30/40 somethings trying to recapture their youth and not grow up.

OP...your wife has given you the tip of the iceburg. If she cheated so early in your marriage and now you find out so long into it, you can never be sure of what has gone on throughout. Hate to put that thought in your mind, but it's just the kind of crap you've gotta take a serious look at.
 

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And she has likely infected you with HPV.

I think you ought to dump her. She has no love or respect for you.
Kind of off topic and not really helping you but please read up on HPV and don't base it on random posts.
One - The percent of women that have HPV is huge. Base line statement is that if you've had sex with more than one person in your life time you have it. There are over 100 strains of it and insanely easy to contract. I personally have never dated a woman without it in the past 10 years.
Two - HPV in men is nothing. Well, almost nothing. Genital warts can happen but for the most part you will never exhibit symptoms. The biggest concern goes for women as it can lead to cervical cancer.

I barely even scratched the surface. Do your own reading from the CDC or other reliable scientific and medical sources, not yahoo answers.
 
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