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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Advice needed desperately... This weekend I am planning to cheat for the first time.

I found out at the start of the year, my husband of 9 years has been cheating on me the entire marriage with random people (one off encounters) and 2 very short relationships. I was devastated. We separated, but recently got back together about 1 week ago. He is working really hard to be faithful, has been going to counselling, and a support group twice a week. He says he loves me, wants us to be together and is working through some serious childhood issues that have provoked this.

The thing is, I thought I could get over this. BUt I keep on thinking about all the times, he climaxed with other people. I keep on thinking about how he waited 9 years to tell me. How i like an idiot- was always completely faithful. I have all this hurt and pain inside- and I feel really undesirable. The only thing that seems to take the pain away is feeling desired by someone else.

And now, I've met someone I find attractive who desires me. He doesnt love me, he doesnt know me- Its purely a sexual thing (no future for us either- Im 29 and he's 21) and we are planning to meet this weekend. A part of me, feels bad- like I am doing the wrong thing, that I should be the better person. Another part of me just wants to experience that short-term pleasure. I've never even kissed another man before.

I dont want to do this and feel guilty for the rest of my life. But can I do this and pretend it never happened? I mean my husband did that for 9 years- surely I can forget one little sexual encounter.

Please help me??????
 

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Have you ever heard 'two wrongs don't make a right'? It applies here. The hurt he caused you would be the same thing you would be inflicting on him, and while emotionally you might say "so what, he deserves it", it is as wrong for you as it is for him.

If you can't handle being married to him any longer that is one thing. Then go about it the right way and begin separation and/or divorce proceedings. Some people are not able to recover from being the victims of a wandering spouse. Others of us have been able to or are trying to overcome it. But if you want your marriage to work, if you want to have a future, then this is not the route to go down.

If you don't want to make it work, this STILL isn't a road to go down until you have ended it with your husband. Affairs are wrong always and under any circumstance. Do the right thing.
 

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Im really sorry for what you're going through. im sure your mind is in a whirl right now.

Im not so much against affairs. I would be more concerned for your health and safety. It does seem like one night of pleasure, but how well do you know this guy? Does he sleep around a lot? Would he be honest with you if he had any diseases?

And birth control measures dont always work. what if you get pregnant? would you have an abortion? would you keep the baby and lie to your husband and the child? would you divorce and raise it as a single mother? you wont get child support if its not his baby. you'll have to fight the other guy for child support. what would you tell the child about its father? that you slept with a man just for your ego? this might seem a little extreme for you, but this is the reality of what could happen.

i am sorry for what you are going through. ive thought of having an affair myself. but after i consider all the things that could go wrong, its just not worth it. sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils; the lesser evil being suffering through this difficult time. It will pass. but if you complicate it with sleeping around, it could drag on for a life time. Find another out let for your pain and frustration.
 

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Wife,
You have done nothing wrong, please don't go down the path of total destruction. You will never forgive yourself regardless of what your husband has done. You are better than that. You are better than him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thankyou for all your advice... I was kind of hoping someone would say- "go ahead do it, I mean he did it for years- your only planning to do it once". But your advice, is speaking to my conscience and morality that Im trying very hard to fight

Blanca, Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff. Ive always believed that sex was something really sacred and bonding that should be shared between two people that love eachother (and look where that got me!). So dont worry about birth control or pregnancy. I am a little scared though, that I dont know him well and that I might be put in a dangerous situation. Everything is so secret, no one will ever know where I am.

Hopeinhouston- surely doing something once within all this turmoil is less wrong than doing it for 9 years without cause? Yeah, I know its still wrong... but not as wrong.

Brennan- obviously you dont think I can forget it, if I do this thing? I was hoping I could do it and never think of it again...
 

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Hopeinhouston- surely doing something once within all this turmoil is less wrong than doing it for 9 years without cause? Yeah, I know its still wrong... but not as wrong.
You are just trying to justify what you are wanting to do in this situation. Stop comparing your actions to his, that is not the standard. The standard is what is right. There is right and wrong in the world, and what you are wanting to do is simply wrong. It is breaking your vows and sharing an intimacy with another that was not meant to be. It is completely wrong and selfish.

Maybe you feel you have a right to some selfishness, but this is not that sort of selfishness. This is a morally wrong act for which there is no justification. The reason we have the Israeli-Palestinian situation is that both sides continue to justify their current actions by previous wrongs (real or perceived) of the other side.

I will say again. Two wrongs don't make a right. Wrong is wrong. Either legitimately decide to fight for your marriage, or get out of it. If you aren't sure which you need to do, which is the correct course of action for you, then let your husband know that's how you feel and take some time to figure it out.

But don't do something like this until your marriage is over, and you have taken those steps, otherwise yes, you are every bit as wrong as he is/has been.
 

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Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff. Ive always believed that sex was something really sacred and bonding that should be shared between two people that love eachother (and look where that got me!). So dont worry about birth control or pregnancy. I am a little scared though, that I dont know him well and that I might be put in a dangerous situation. Everything is so secret, no one will ever know where I am.
ya, please be careful. you're going to get this guy all worked up and then...well, just be careful. ive been in a situation where i got a guy all worked up and he knew i didnt want sex. but when he got in that moment he wasnt thinking about what i wanted. it was really scary. i couldnt get him off of me. and i had been dating him for a few months. i thought i knew him. luckily someone came in the room. i dont know what would have happened if no one else was there.
 

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Thankyou for all your advice... I was kind of hoping someone would say- "go ahead do it, I mean he did it for years- your only planning to do it once". But your advice, is speaking to my conscience and morality that Im trying very hard to fight

Blanca, Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff. Ive always believed that sex was something really sacred and bonding that should be shared between two people that love eachother (and look where that got me!). So dont worry about birth control or pregnancy. I am a little scared though, that I dont know him well and that I might be put in a dangerous situation. Everything is so secret, no one will ever know where I am.

Hopeinhouston- surely doing something once within all this turmoil is less wrong than doing it for 9 years without cause? Yeah, I know its still wrong... but not as wrong.

Brennan- obviously you dont think I can forget it, if I do this thing? I was hoping I could do it and never think of it again...
 

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I am still learning about this website. I tried to copy your post and respond. I failed.
Anyways, no, Wifeinlove, you cannot just forget and move on if you have a revenge affair. It will suck your soul out. You are doing this out of pain and spite. DO NOT DO THIS. Not for your husband but rather for YOU. YOU are the better person. Hold your head up high knowing you didn't disgrace your marriage by cheating. You won't feel better, in fact you will feel worse. You wrote that sex is something bonding for you but you don't plan on having sex with somebody else just "other stuff". Don't cheapen yourself based on what your husband did. Please don't. YOU are worth so much more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You are just trying to justify what you are wanting to do in this situation. Stop comparing your actions to his, that is not the standard. The standard is what is right
Ok hopeinhouston, I agree what Im about to do is wrong. You're right- I cant justify this morally. fullstop. I read some of your posts, and realised you have been in a similar situation (cheated on). Were you ever tempted to cheat back? How did you overcome this?

I cant justify these feelings. But i can explain my motivation. I've always done whats right. I married my first love, was faithful to him, I was even a virgin on my wedding night. Look where all that has got me? Im angry with how my life has turned out. I feel I have lost all my options.... I have the choice of leaving him and becoming a lonely single mum or staying with him and living with this pain.

Whats the point of being good? All this self-denail for what?
 

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Your emotions are still very raw and that is very understandable. It's very hard. I also have never had sex with anyone other than my spouse, I also was devastated by what I found out. You asked about if I felt compelled to do the same.

I never felt compelled to cheat or try something like that. For my part what I did while i tried to process all of this and decide if I was going to stay or go is I signed up for match.com and e-harmony.com and began looking at profiles and trying to imagine myself dating again. So again, I can understand this curiosity about what else is out there.

However, there are boundaries that we should not cross. It will not make us feel any better to be just as wrong as our spouses were. We have to decide are we able to forgive and move on and reforge our marriages? Understand that if you decide to do this you are not trying to make your marriage what it was - it never will be again, it can't. But it CAN become something different, and yes, something better. Even just 4 months later after finding out, I can say that my marriage is better than it ever was. There are still things we are working on, but we are in a very good place.

However, not everyone can recover from something like this. Some spouses who have been wronged in this way never are able to forgive and move on. If that turns out to be the case for you, you don't have to be a "lonely single mum". There are plenty of other men out there and you will find love again I'm sure.

The question is what is most important to you? And since you seemed to say you have a kid, what is best for your kid? Understanding that divorce is almost always hurtful and detrimental to children.

But revenge is not good motivation, and it will not satisfy you. It won't 'even things out' or make everything ok. It's not going to fix what's broken inside your marriage nor is it going to make your pain go away. In fact, I tend to agree with Brennan it will actually most likely make you feel worse. Be the bigger person and either start picking up the pieces of your marriage and rebuilding them into something more beutiful, or else sweep them up, throw them out (i.e. separation/divorce) and THEN move on looking for something/someone else. But again - two wrongs don't make a right and you will not feel any better for having done this.
 

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Blanca, Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff.
Uh, what exactly do you call hooking up with another man, and you don't tell your husband about it? Cheating is cheating, whether there is penetration or not.

Please don't do this. You will be filled with shame for the rest of your life. Every time you look at your children, you will remember what you did wrong. Not what your husband did, what YOU did.
 

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Were you ever tempted to cheat back? How did you overcome this?
You overcome it by dealing with what your husband did. You go to therapy. You make HIM go to therapy. You have him take a polygraph. You make him sign a post-nup agreement so that if he ever cheats again, you get everything. You make him give you $1000 and you go away to a spa for a week and pamper yourself, on his dime.

You choose positive actions to mitigate his negative ones.

If nothing else, think about what this 21 year old kid is going around telling all his friends: "Yeah, man, I got this married lady snowed; she's feeling down cos her old man cheated, so I offered to help her get back at him. Yeah, I did...I offered my services, lol. What a sucker! What could be better - and easier - than an older married lady desperate for some revenge?"
 

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Based on your raw emotions, I would tell you not to do this... you seem like the type of person that would regret it... and especially with a 21 year old single guy!!!!! I would trust him about as far as I could throw him... I wouldnt be able to. He could say he has no disease... he may not even know.

I like the idea of houston's to create an account on some dating website just to see in your mind what it would be like... and not do anything... maybe go on a married dating website, or a divorce dating website.

I was so mad that I was faithful to my husband even while we were dating when I could have been dating around while he was having his emotional affair (for 7 years)... I found out after marriage and got angry, depressed etc... got myself happy again by telling myself that I didnt cause this... it was his choice. He is in denial, he is the one punishing me for having him stop contact with the other woman.. I had to... my therapist would go over this with me every week until it sunk in.

Then, he started watching porn on top of not having sex with me... how sad, I thought... he has a willing to work it out and forgive wife and he continues to control our sex life in a very negative and destructive way. So, I had an affair.... just about the sex. It was wonderful and allowed me to express myself sexually to someone who wanted it, and have some desire me even with the few extra pounds I had put on. I have no regrets, but your situaiton IS NOT LIKE MINE... you have a husband who wants to work things out. Your best line is to keep telling yourself that it was him and him only... his cheating was not about you in any way, and then forgive as he proves himself to you. My husband is not willing to even admit to what he did (even a year after being found out). See how different our situations are? That is why I dont recommend you go through with it... work with your husband who is willing to work with you... based on what you post here anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Your best line is to keep telling yourself that it was him and him only... his cheating was not about you in any way.
Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I always get told this line.... "its not about you in any way". He always tells me that too, that he loves me, and all of it wasnt about me.

But, How can it not be about me? I mean Im his wife, and he put his d*** somewhere else for years, when he was vowed to be faithful and "forsake all others". How can it not be about me when he felt like he fell in love. When he used to hold me and make love to me.... after/before being with them! Everything he did, has ruined my life.... and maybe me too. It has everything to do with me.

I feel I just wasnt enough for him even at my prime. And maybe Im never going to be enough.

what Im doing is wrong.... maybe I am being self-destructive. I know there is a chance it will destroy me. There is also the chance it will be very pleasurable. I also feel there is no point anymore doing whats right, might as well do what feels good.

idk, Im talking from a very emotional place right here.
 

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Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I always get told this line.... "its not about you in any way". He always tells me that too, that he loves me, and all of it wasnt about me.

But, How can it not be about me? I mean Im his wife, and he put his d*** somewhere else for years, when he was vowed to be faithful and "forsake all others". How can it not be about me when he felt like he fell in love. When he used to hold me and make love to me.... after/before being with them! Everything he did, has ruined my life.... and maybe me too. It has everything to do with me.

I feel I just wasnt enough for him even at my prime. And maybe Im never going to be enough.

what Im doing is wrong.... maybe I am being self-destructive. I know there is a chance it will destroy me. There is also the chance it will be very pleasurable. I also feel there is no point anymore doing whats right, might as well do what feels good.

idk, Im talking from a very emotional place right here.
Exactly one big reason you should not cheat!!! You are in a very emotional place right now, cheating will only add to it for you.

It took me a few years to finally let go enough of the thought that I was defective in some way, wasnt doing something, was doing something annoying to my husband... I was literally beating myself up. I felt so unattractive in my husbands eyes. I went out with girlfriends and that helped me understand I was attractive in others eyes as well. These women have known me years (anddecades )longer than myhusband and guys at the bar flirted with me which was another little boost.... my mom says you can flirt, of course... it helps you feel vital to take home to your husband! You need to find something that will make you feel vibrant again (assuming you did at one point)... if you never did, well, either accept that is who you are and make the most of it or find a way to feel ok. With or without your husband, you have to be ok with you:)
 

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Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I always get told this line.... "its not about you in any way". He always tells me that too, that he loves me, and all of it wasnt about me................................

I feel I just wasnt enough for him even at my prime. And maybe Im never going to be enough.

Wifeinlove - I completely understand your situation (I have not been there myself), but I do think about it - I'm in my 20s and I wouldn't want to foresake my 'prime' years to a man who doesn't turn out to be 100% faithful to me.

Totally understandable. I'm not going to advise you on whether or not you should go ahead and cheat. That's not the issue, I don't think - the issue is that you have to make a decision about what you actually WANT through your marriage to him.

If you're always going to resent that you gave up your prime to a man who was putting his **** elsewhere, cheating yourself won't change the resentment you feel!

And anyway, please don't think you're "past" your prime.

A good-looking woman is a good-looking woman. Some 50 year olds are better than 20 year -olds. it's all about how well you take care of yourself.

I feel you have your own issues to work on - what do you want from this marriage, 'wifeinlove'? You say you love him, but is that REALLY why you're staying?

Or is it more because you need the certainty?

blessings to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I felt so unattractive in my husbands eyes. I went out with girlfriends and that helped me understand I was attractive in others eyes as well. These women have known me years (anddecades )longer than myhusband and guys at the bar flirted with me which was another little boost.... my mom says you can flirt, of course... it helps you feel vital to take home to your husband! You need to find something that will make you feel vibrant again (assuming you did at one point)...
I really relate to your story.

Thats how it all started. I feel undesirable by H, but extremely desirable by other men. So like you I started flirting... and soon this lead to chatting... and then it was like lets meet up. I've always had a lot of attention from men, and all these years- Im like hand up and show them the wedding ring. All these years of pushing men back, and now I have no motivation to do so. There is another level to this.... Its also hard to resist, a fit good looking man. On a sexual level.... Im very tempted. Im only getting older. Im not going to look this good forever or be this desirable. Ive never f***d around.... I've liked H since I was 14 yo. Did I miss out? When he was out meeting his every fantasy?

Bout the 21 year old man. Yeah I know, he's a player... probably full of diseases... thats why Im not having sex (he's probably thinking the same about me after having such a cheating husband). I know this is just one night of pleasure... and Im wondering if it will be different. Have I missed out all these years? (This is especially triggered by the fact H is bisexual. Wat wud it like to be with a completely straight man?)

Regardless, Ok... no-ones saying go for it- so Im starting to think I should wait. For my own sake. Im going to just take some time out I think.... not rush into this affair/one night stand emotionally. See what happens with H. If Im still feeling the same way in a couple of months- then I will reconsider. There will be other opportunities....

 

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I really relate to your story.

Thats how it all started. I feel undesirable by H, but extremely desirable by other men. So like you I started flirting... and soon this lead to chatting... and then it was like lets meet up. I've always had a lot of attention from men, and all these years- Im like hand up and show them the wedding ring. All these years of pushing men back, and now I have no motivation to do so. There is another level to this.... Its also hard to resist, a fit good looking man. On a sexual level.... Im very tempted. Im only getting older. Im not going to look this good forever or be this desirable. Ive never f***d around.... I've liked H since I was 14 yo. Did I miss out? When he was out meeting his every fantasy?

Bout the 21 year old man. Yeah I know, he's a player... probably full of diseases... thats why Im not having sex (he's probably thinking the same about me after having such a cheating husband). I know this is just one night of pleasure... and Im wondering if it will be different. Have I missed out all these years? (This is especially triggered by the fact H is bisexual. Wat wud it like to be with a completely straight man?)

Regardless, Ok... no-ones saying go for it- so Im starting to think I should wait. For my own sake. Im going to just take some time out I think.... not rush into this affair/one night stand emotionally. See what happens with H. If Im still feeling the same way in a couple of months- then I will reconsider. There will be other opportunities....

No, you and I handle it very differently even if the outings were similar. I never ever started exchanging txts or flirting in anyway beyond the hour or so at a bar that night... I even gave a false name bc I didnt want whoever was flirting with me to know anything real about me... what if he tried to contact me? No way.

I never went and had an affair in that way. I selected someone out of thousands who I felt was sincere and happy in his marriage and then met. It wasnt this sweep me of my feet thing that you are experiencing with the hottie. Please be careful... you can catch disease orally, any fluid exchange even if there is no penetration can cause pregnancy and disease as well. Kissing can cause disease if he has something that is silent in his mouth or throat... yes herpes lurks there... yeast infection can pass from his mouth to yours or your privates...

Finally, you are not old... Im 40 and getting hit on by 24 year old boys who I simply say hold on to your idealism but know that life may not turn out exactly as you plan. Choose wisely, love deeply. Gotta run now, but I will be back to check on you... if you tell me where you live I will come there to prevent you from cheating!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
the issue is that you have to make a decision about what you actually WANT through your marriage to him.

If you're always going to resent that you gave up your prime to a man who was putting his **** elsewhere, cheating yourself won't change the resentment you feel!
I do and I dont. We have kids. We get along, he has always been my best friend... can talk bout everything. Despite the cheating (a huge huge issue)... I cant say its all been bad. we have had some very good times, excellent companionship, good laughs, great sex. Petty fights.

On the other hand.... these images of him cheating are haunting me. The fact this was going on while I was experiencing the best times makes me doubt it all. How can it co-exist?


I feel you have your own issues to work on - what do you want from this marriage, 'wifeinlove'? You say you love him, but is that REALLY why you're staying?

Or is it more because you need the certainty?
not sure what you mean.... Certainty of what?

I do love him... ive never loved anyone else and I feel i will never get over him on an emotional level. He is the love of my life. BUt not sure if Im deluded.... scared to hope in case im disappointed again.

If I cheat, he says he will never forgive me. I believe him and I dont think he'll take me back. And yet Im willing to forgive him for everything. Maybe its my own little test to see how much he loves me.
 
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