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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First of all I can not afford a lawer
I have been faithfully married for 16 years and in the last 6 years my husband ( lets call him X) has phisically abused me 4 times while under the influence of alchol, once infront of our 12 year old daughter. On two prior occations, the previous 2 years ago I started divorce procedings but could not go through with it. Counciling and lots of promises followed. The worst of it all is that my kids were growing up in a home where there was no respect and shouting and screaming and violent arguments was the norm.
last November things got so bad that we could not have an conversation without an argument and in April he abused me again. I managed to get away, stayed at the police station all night and the next morning got the guts together and got a protection order against him. I told him that I wanted an divorce. He refused to move out of the house (it is in his name) and I could not afford to move. He kept on promising that he would move in October and then he would sign the papers.
As you can immagine that was a very stressfull situation, to make matters worse I have to pretend at the office that nothing is the matter, no one new about the situation..
I also realised over the last couple of months that I was so blind. He has been controling my live: Who I am allowed to befriend and having no financial indipendance. Everything we own is in his name, I don't even have any insurances or pention fund of my own. I even work for his company.

I am an outgoing person, love meeting new people, entertaining and dancing and gradualy over the years he changed me. The morning when I empowered myself by going to the police I said:' No more!' I started going out, made lots of new supportive friends. Of cource this has not gone down well with him.

I made desitions about my live without consulting him as we have been for all intent and purposes been seperated since April although we were still living in the same house. I had myself sterilised without telling him, I am 38, have two beautifull kids and did not want any more. This caused major problems for we have been discussing it for the last 3 years and he did not want me to do it. It is after all my body!
Once again trying to controll me.
I told him in August that I could not live like this anymore and started looking for a house to rent. Last month I found the perfect affordable house, near my kids school the occupation date was 1 Oct. I had to take it as good rental homes are difficult to find.He once again asked me to wait till October after he gets back from a 2 week bussiness trip.
Wait for what? I new that this trip might be very profitable for him, but money won't change our situation and would not bring me happiness. I think that after sticking it out for 16 years, with so much unhappiness I deserve to to start thinking about my happiness and to try and create an happy and calm home for my kids.
Three weeks ago before he left on his business trip I met someone. A kind, supportive, gental and funluving man that changed this stone that I have been carrying arround into a living and loving heart again. I did not go looking for a replacement(lover) we met at a friends home, started talking, enjoyed each others company, I did not want to have a relationship. I fell in love and I know the feeling is mutual.
I am not the kind of person that creeps around in the dark, so I told him that I've met someone. He said that he accepts that it is over between us, but that I am hurting him.
While he was away I saw my friend quite often, he met my kids and my mother. maybe it was to soon but as I said before I was not prepaired to sneak around. My kids told me that they liked him and that it was OK if he comes round. Wow how wonderfull was that. I was so happy.
The bubble burst when their father got back from his trip.
He realised that I was not kidding when I said I am moving asked the kids about my friend and I. Burst into my home shouting and screaming at me and threatened me. told me not to come to the office the next day. It got so bad that my son had a pannic attack.
All this time my friend was in the house busy helping me fixing odds and ends that was broken, he stayed out of it not wanting to intefear for that would have made matters worse.
The kids eventially left with there father against my will.
I said to my friend that I would understand if he wanted to rather end things seeing that he was threatened with a lawe suite. His answer was that he was not going to walk away, he loves me and will stand by me.
Yesterday, X said that he appologises for his behaviour and that he would not threaten me with my job again. We had a chat to the kids and to my dismay they told me that they do not like it when my friend comes to visit and would prefer that he only dfoes when they are not around. I told them fine and we even sorted the custody of the kids and visitation rights out.
I told my friend about this. He was upset that his presence had upset my kids, for this was not the intention. We aggreed only to see each other when my kids are not arround. Not something I want to do as it feels like we are then sneaking arround.
I informed the kids and X that my friend had to stop by (this being this morning) to collect his tools that I was using as he needed it for work. He came collected his things and left.My daughter went and hid in her room, I told her that this was going over board and that my friend is sorry for upsetting her and that she did not have to speak to him if she did not want to.
She promptly phoned her dad and told him that my friend was there and that I tried to force her to talk to my friend.
When I got into the office X called me, freaked out and told me that I can now speak to his lawer and that he is sueing me for adultory!

Please, please someone give me some sound advise. What do I do!

· Premium Member
3,707 Posts
First get the legal advice you need. As long as you are married half of the assets are yours. That means a bank account in his name too. Second find a lawer that will work pro-bono at the start. Call your state and ask for the bar association. Every lawer must give the first half an hour consult free of charge. This allows you to talk to as many lawers as you want and get many answers as you can. Most bars require lawers to do free community work. Meaning one day a month they are in the courthouse and will help you do all your paperwork for free. Third find a legal advocate, they will be with non-profit organizations and they to will help with paper work.


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