[dawnc]

I have been married for 20 years and I have always had a problem with being truthful with my husband about bills.. I will tell him what i think he wants to hear to avoid a fight. I have told him that things were paid when they were only partially, I have told him that everything is under control when it is not we are not filing bankruptcy or anything like that but I still have a problem.
He told me last night that he will never trust me again! I am afraid that I have ruined my marriage and I am desperate to regain his trust, I am at a loss and I don't know what to do...

 

[827Aug]

It's going to be up to you to prove you can be trusted again. No more bill hiding. Perhaps begin by creating a folder or box specifically for unpaid bills/invoices. As they come in put them in the folder/ box--every one of them. Then he can see them whenever he wants. Go through the folder/box once a week or every two weeks. Do this together and discuss payments and budget items.

 

[unbelievable]

This is a huge trust/intimacy/respect issue. It basically positions your husband as your enemy instead of your partner. It might help if you try to view him as an extension of yourself. You wouldn't lie to yourself because you would be only hurting yourself. Same thing goes in a marriage. Either you both win or you both lose.

 

[alicew332]

There are a number of issues here. They all have to get solved in order for you to demonstrate your future trustworthiness over time.

- First WHY were the bills not getting paid? If you don't have a budget, make one. YNAB is a great piece of software for that. They have great educational material on living within a budget that goes beyond just the software use as well. Make sure you CAN pay the bills. Make sure the check register and budget are available on a computer that you both have access to so he can check at any time. Fix whatever else needs fixing so that bills are getting paid so there is no NEED to want to lie.

- Address why you were lying. Are you afraid of your DH's reaction? Is the fear based on insecurity in you that you need to work on or on behavior in your DH that you need to set effective limits on?

Then admit that you need to rebuild his trust by being 150% transparent going forward.

 

[dawnc]

I have been trying to be completely honest with myself first of all to figure out why I do this..I honestly feel that I don't tell him of the difficulties we are having because I don't want to upset him and I also fear the response I am going to get from him.
I do have alot of insecurity and I do know that I have to work on that.
I have been thinking and I came up with what I thought was a fair solution to the bills being paid I told him that I will keep the bills all in one location and when the bills are to be paid we will sit down and take care of them together..
My biggest concern is how or can I ever become trustworthy to him again... How do I make that happen? How do I prove to him that is the most important thing to me? I feel like a failure.. I Love my husband more than anything and I need to fix this!


I thank you all for you replies and I hope you possibly have any more helpful tips... I am desperate to repair the damage that I have caused!

 

[827Aug]

My biggest concern is how or can I ever become trustworthy to him again... How do I make that happen? How do I prove to him that is the most important thing to me?

Restoring trust is going to take time and a conscious effort on your part. It sounds as though you are headed in the right direction. Continue to gain his trust by ALWAYS being open and forthcoming with EVERYTHING. Never hide bills or anything else.

 

[dawnc]

Thank you for that I am just so afraid that I will never be able to repair the damage I have caused! I will continue to make a conscious effort EVERYDAY!

 

[F-102]

Dawn, it can happen. You can repair it, but it will take time and effort.
My mother did the same thing way back when-she would hide the mail, call from work if she was going to be late and instruct us kids to hide the bills before dad found them, would always tell dad "don't worry, I took care of it" when he'd ask about the cards and accounts. We thought it was because he was stressed out all the time and mom was just protecting him from more stress.
Well, imagine his surprise when one day, on a whim, he decides to open one of the letters from the bank, and finds out that they're starting foreclosure proceedings on the house!

I was too young and dumb to know it at the time, but she was running up huge credit card bills and using other cards to pay off those that she maxed out! I never asked him, but I think that was the closest he came to leaving.

But they worked it out, and they're still doing good 25 years after the incident.

It can happen-don't give up.

 

[dawnc]

Thank You! I will never give up!

 

[maccheese]

If you are responsible for the bills, you are also responsible for communicating the state of the finances. If for some reason you all are short, it is your responsibility to convey this is bear the discussion that comes with it. If it something you feel you can't handle then its best that you all jointly do it. As a previous post said, a budget is best. With a budget, you will know in advance where shortcomings are as well as where you will have extra. You won't be surprised every month.

I have been trying to be completely honest with myself first of all to figure out why I do this..I honestly feel that I don't tell him of the difficulties we are having because I don't want to upset him and I also fear the response I am going to get from him.
I do have alot of insecurity and I do know that I have to work on that.
I have been thinking and I came up with what I thought was a fair solution to the bills being paid I told him that I will keep the bills all in one location and when the bills are to be paid we will sit down and take care of them together..
My biggest concern is how or can I ever become trustworthy to him again... How do I make that happen? How do I prove to him that is the most important thing to me? I feel like a failure.. I Love my husband more than anything and I need to fix this!


I thank you all for you replies and I hope you possibly have any more helpful tips... I am desperate to repair the damage that I have caused!

 

[donewithit]

hi dawn. I am you. actually I WAS you. so please understand that this post comes for wanting to help. If I sound harsh..please forgive me as I do not mean to.

anyway. I also hid bills. I spent money i shouldnt have. but never told him. it is called financial infidelity. I actually prayed I would make it to the mailbox first...when he finally figured it out..we almost divorced.

why did I do it? thru lots of therapy we both can say it was because I was holding onto fear from my FIRST husband. He was a relentless bully and he counted every penny of change in my wallet. My husband now would never do that to me..but I took advantage of his good nature.

trust takes a LONG time to rebuild..but we are at almost two years post D day..and I now do all our banking. He understood with the help of therapy that he treated me like a child so I rebelled..but more against xhusband than him. That was SO wrong of me. He really has no blame in our mess other than he was trying to "take care" of me...I wanted to be in charge of myself for the first time in my life..it started a horrible collapsing of the house of cards if you know what i mean.

here is the thing. This is NOT his fault. You need to examine deep within to WHY you are doing this..and address it with him. You need to understand he will not trust you for a while... WHY? because you have earned that mistrust.

I hope that he gives you a chance.. go to councelling..both alone and TOGETHER.

personally I slept beside a man who did not want me for almost 5 months..only because our councellor asked him to let me move back in..and sleep in the same bed. He thought she was batty but tried it. Cried myself to sleep many nights because he had stopped kissing me goodnite and telling me he loved me. I had to keep telling myself that if I wanted this wonderful man as my husband I had to let him grieve in his own way..

two years later. I cannot believe the trust he gives me.

It is possible to regain that trust if there is still love between you..but this was YOUR choice to keep things from him..so it is YOUR battle to fix it.

the only thing I would like to add..is if your husband is like my first..does he belittle your contribution to the household? does he fly off the handle if you buy a bottle of nailpolish (example) then YOU need to evaluate whether you can EVER be in a happy relationship that is equal ..with him.

good luck to you..I hope all goes well

 

[jwm]

Wow.You are in exactly the same situation that I am in. I am amazed that I even foiund this website and your post. It definately helps just knowing I am not the only one in this boat and that someone but know how I feel.

The predicament with me all started when my spouse developed a drug problem years ago. For about 6 years he didnt work at all and I completely kept the family afloat, I worked, paid all the bills and finally after so many years told him I was openeing my own account for my paycheck to be depo'dinto so he couldnt acccess my salary to buy more contraband. Eventially I snapped and threw him out saying I'd stay married ony if he went into rehab.

He did and he cleaned up and for the part nearly 6 years he has been clean, gotten his act together and gone back to work. We reunited but now still have seperate bank accounts.

With us the resentment therefore runs deep. Him to me for being so superior all those drug years and for me due to his horrid behavior.

But now he is taking home more money then I. He has decided how the bills should be paid. He pays the mortgage and I am to pay for everything else. But it isnt working as my salary doesnt support my share. Overf the years when I have tried to talk to him about a budget or anything financial he gets aggressivly angry.

My morbid fear of contratrion left me to start paying some bills out of his account which I have accesss to . He found me out about 6 mos ago and FLIPPED. I said I'd stop and said we'd have to be able to talk aout it. He again became aggresive and it was impossible . I tried to be 'good' but foud myself unable to pay the bills again. So about 5 weeks ago I started paying out of his accoutn again and when he asked me I immedatly confessed trying to explain how I got into this vicious cycle. Agai he went wild at first telling me to leave. I didnt. Sice then he has been barely civil to me. One minute semi-nice the next condascending and disrespectful. He has become impossible to talk to. And still no budget no meeting of the minds.

I do love him and until this all happened things were great for several post rehad years. Now I am living with a man who can barely be civil for two consecutaive days, with no finqnciaql solution and I feel isolated and desperate.

I know we need couseling but if I bring it up I know he'll flip again. Misery loves company, thats for sure.

( sorry for typos..in a rush...)

 

[mrcdes71]

i think trust goes both ways - if there was trust and unconditional love i think the hiding never would have started. financial infedility is a new term that i read on this thread today. my husband seperated our accounts 4 years ago. i don't know how much he makes, how much money he has in the bank -- i don't know anything. i know that i am poor. he pays all the bills and the mortgage and food. i pay for childcare and anything child related including their sports. my paycheque is spent before i get paid. he lives the good life and i just get by. we had a marriage breakdown 4 years ago - we have both been unfaithful and trying to mend what ever is left. we are friends as there is no intimacy anymore. he says that he is just not in love with me anymore. before we seperated, i know i used to spend a lot of money -- shopping gave me joy and pleasure as it was an escape from a loveless and sexless and unfullfilling marriage. i also hid my purchases and my bills. now it is just none of his business.

 

[dawgfan]

Hey dawnc -

That's great you want to sit down and pay the bills together - have you thought about taking a Dave Ramsey class together? Something like that can really help you get on the same page.

It must have been awful feeling like you've had to cover up how things really are. Maybe now that things are out in the open, you'll have a chance to start over with this. I found some articles that might help.

Take care,

dawgfan

 

[kevint]

This is a huge trust/intimacy/respect issue. It basically positions your husband as your enemy instead of your partner. It might help if you try to view him as an extension of yourself. You wouldn't lie to yourself because you would be only hurting yourself. Same thing goes in a marriage. Either you both win or you both lose.

Very well said!:iagree::iagree:

 

[Patricia B. Pina]

You should come clean to gain his trust back.
Don't do this again because it wreck your relationship.