[bigtexasfun]

I am not sure what to do here. I have been with my wife for 7 years, married for 6. We have a generally happy marriage and good family life.

When I met her I was on the recovery from a bad marriage, and was looking for nothing serious. I wasn't expecting to develop real feelings for anyone, but there it was. When we were dating she would be social, keep herself up and generally be ladylike. I knew she had come from limited means, but she was sweet and affectionate, which I am a snuggler and affection is important. We had a great intimate relationship as well, neither of us left wanting for more.

Over the last four years, since our daughter was born this has all changed. She bathes occasionally and dresses as if every day were lounge day. Sweats and Tshirts are the norm, hair goes unfixed, nails undone, etc.

Here is the kicker. I am a sales professional in the Oil business. A successful one and now starting my own global business. I was raised in this environment. She refuses to go to social engagements with me, business functions, client weekends etc. She refuses anything that involves social settings. Even when I can get her to agree it becomes a fight because she wont dress appropriately for the occasion as she says she dresses to be comfortable, and thats that.

I am involved with C Level types, balls, christmas parties at the country club, etc. I attend these events alone as she refuses to go. I have to continually explain this to my colleagues who at times do not understand. To Top it off I have a 4 year old daughter that she is raising to be a slob. Lets her out of the house dirty, in mismatched clothing, hair a mess and unwashed. She sends her to school like this if I do not intervene.

I cannot live like this. I have thought she is suffering from depression ever since our daughter was born, and tried to be subtle and then not so subtle, to try and get her help.

She is a great woman who cares about us and don't want this to jeopardize my marriage.

I'm just at the end of my rope. I am not the most diplomatic man admittedly when I lose my patience.

I dont understand how someone could honestly leave the house looking as she does! We live in a small community in West Texas where everyone is in the Oil business and I am afraid we will run into clients or prospects when were out running errands or at school functions, we have three other step daughters too!

 

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[Personal]

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[Dates]

All the relationship thing, others can give you advice but finally, its your choice based on your feeling. Isn't it?

 

[MattMatt]

Please use paragraphs.

She sounds depressed. Is she?

 

[brooklynAnn]

Have seen a doc for the depression?

What I would do is take her to see a marriage consular and have the MC explain to your wife exactly what you wrote. Because you talking to her is going to have to impact. If she does not change, then, you have to be willing to start speaking to a lawyer and following thru.

Like the other posters stated, this is something you can live with or make a choice that is line with what you want. Best wishes.

 

[Yosemite]

Ditto on the actions seeming to point to depression.

 

[bandit.45]

Yep...depression. Get her checked out.

 

[Lostme]

I would make her go to a doctor as well, I don't blame you for being tired of it but having her go to the doctor is a measure you can take knowing you did all you could before the marriage ends.

If she refuses to go to a doctor give her an ultimatum, go to the doctor and clean your act up or it's over.

 

[anchorwatch]

FOO issues.

Low self-esteem.

Not prepared and scared to be put in social situations.

Again, why did you marry her?

How did she dress when you courted?

How much did you change?


BTW, hire a woman to come in and help out while you sort this out. As least the home will clean and organized for you and the child.

 

[TX-SC]

She may be depressed. She may also suffer from social anxiety.

 

[Yosemite]

While we're at it we could speculate that she's afraid of bridges, spiders, and being trapped in small spaces. For whatever good that's going to do.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Everyone is pointing to Depression.. and could very well be.. I have another question.. what is her Mother like.. her sisters.. is their behavior similar ?? It's like Hoarders.. or messys.. it seems to run in families.. (at least I have seen it)

Did she have post par-tum depression, by any chance ?

For the living you make... I can easily understand why this is important to you... it's also not healthy to be living such separate lives...when you will always be alone at these social functions...

What are her hobbies.. what makes her happy?

 

[Spicy]

Post partum depression was the first thing that popped into my head also...but we need to know, was she like this before your daughter? If she used to dress nice and go to functions with you, then something definitely changed with the birth of your child...if she never dressed up or went with you...then, all I can say is...you picked her.

 

[MattMatt]

While we're at it we could speculate that she's afraid of bridges, spiders, and being trapped in small spaces. For whatever good that's going to do.

Or we could learn to tell the difference between people asking questions to help OP formulate a plan of action and pointless speculation?

I think most of us can handle that? Don't you think?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[spotthedeaddog]

Or we could learn to tell the difference between people asking questions to help OP formulate a plan of action and pointless speculation?

I think most of us can handle that? Don't you think?
Posted via Mobile Device

Probably the only hope is to get them in front of a professional/authoritative person who can somehow get to the bottom of what she thinks she's doing. Very possible it could be depression, could be that she's got her mini-me and thus figures she can ignore the rest of the world (like an ex of mine).

If she continues to to drag things the only option may be to move on. Some people in different layers of society _do_not_ (and _will_not_ admit to the partners supporting role in certain areas of society and business) and they _actively_ sabotage their partner - so make sure you find out how she's faring because she may be telling the wrong stories and damaging you when she does participate, not everyone realises what goes on or the games that some folks play)

 

[sidney2718]

I am not sure what to do here. I have been with my wife for 7 years, married for 6. We have a generally happy marriage and good family life.

When I met her I was on the recovery from a bad marriage, and was looking for nothing serious. I wasn't expecting to develop real feelings for anyone, but there it was. When we were dating she would be social, keep herself up and generally be ladylike. I knew she had come from limited means, but she was sweet and affectionate, which I am a snuggler and affection is important. We had a great intimate relationship as well, neither of us left wanting for more.

Over the last four years, since our daughter was born this has all changed. She bathes occasionally and dresses as if every day were lounge day. Sweats and Tshirts are the norm, hair goes unfixed, nails undone, etc.

First, we need more information. Others have already asked for that.

It seems to me to be possible that due to her family history she's not only not used to the social groups you need to be with. Couple this with the pressures of a new child and a possible dose of post-partum depression, all she may want out of life is to be left alone.

Last, I'd examine the causes of your first divorce very carefully. I am NOT saying that you were to blame. I am saying that you may have some personality traits that have turned your wife off.

Certainly she needs help. Be supportive and be there for her.

 

[See_Listen_Love]

I cannot live like this. I have thought she is suffering from depression ever since our daughter was born, and tried to be subtle and then not so subtle, to try and get her help.

She is a great woman who cares about us and don't want this to jeopardize my marriage.

I'm just at the end of my rope. I am not the most diplomatic man admittedly when I lose my patience.

You are not clear about what you REALLY want.

You cannot live like this AND you do not want to jeopardize your marriage which means that you will eventually DO put up with it.

I would advise first to take care of your own mental health. And learn to not lose your patience. Find a system that keeps you relaxed. Maybe do Tai Chi or Yoga, go painting or running or weightlifting.

Then tell her to change or you will leave her. And be prepared to do it, if you tell her you cannot live like that, then the consequence could be leaving! I would advise anyway to leave for a couple of days EACH TIME the house, herself or her behavior is such a mess as you described.

That may wake her up or not.

 

[bandit.45]

Maybe agoraphobia?

But that wouldn't explain the poor hygiene .

 

[emmasmith]

No doubt issues arise in everyone's married life, but you must know that how to resolve those issues without letting them affect your relationships. Consulting marriage therapists would be the right idea if you are facing any issue in your married life.