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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all!
This is my first time posting - and I must say, I am so happy to have found such a great discussion site!
Please bare with me of any grammar mistakes. I am typing this as a streamline of thoughts on very little sleep. Thanks for listening :)

I’ll get started with a little background info

His background..
Raised in a wealthy home by stay at home mother and stepfather who is second in the nation of owning the most stores of a billion dollar franchise. So money has never been a worry for his family. Mother and stepfather love eachother and they were raised with great morals and values. The family is very close and have strong bonds. Might as well be perfect. His real father lives in another state, who he did not see often growing up. After dropping out of college he (my boyfriend) moved to LA to pursue a career in film. 2 years later he moved to Miami, where he was born (but not raised) and then later to Colombia to study film. Present day, and where I met him, he lives in our home town with his mom and stepdad. His new modest car that he got when he moved home was purchased in cash for $30,000. His million dollar family home sits on a lake with a perfect sunset every single night. He does not pay for rent, phone bill, car insurance, HEALTH insurance, groceries… nothing. He does not even have to do laundry or clean up after himself bc they have a “cleaning lady” once a week. He works for his stepdads company currently. Making a measly eyeroll $17 and hour. He works mostly from home, but I think he lies about how few hours he ACTUALLY works. For a position that is not entirely challenging, yet he was not qualified for. He also does social media and film for the company - to which corporate even complimented his work. Which is great. So what’s my issue right??? second eyeroll

My background..
I am 27
Raised by mother and father who are still happily married. But it is a miracle they stayed together! My dad has worked in the same factory since he was 18yo. My entire childhood my father had to work the midnight shift plus overtime on weekends and holidays to financially support us. My mother is an accountant who also worked long hours. We did not see our parents much. Just late at night. They fought viciously throughout my childhood (who wouldn’t with the stress that was put in their marriage). At one point my mother way laid off work and it put a major strain on our family. I did not grow up poor, mainly Bc of my incredibly hard working parents who tried their best to give us a decent life, but we were by no means wealthy.
I dropped out of college and moved out of state for a few years. When I decided to move back home, it was to finish school. I was home no longer than a month when my parents sold their house and I had to find a place to live. Since I was 19yo I have lived on my own and paidfor everything myself. I have gone through very low points to where I was eating trail mix (meant for guests) at work every day because I did not have enough money to buy groceries. Fresh fruit was a luxury to me at the time. Currently, I work As a server/bartender and attend school full time, finishing my degree in mechanical engineering. I live completely on my own and work very hard for the things I have.

My jealously did not start immediately, it grew slowly over time. The first pang of jealousy was when he got his new car, paid in cash and I was still paying off my $10,000 car from 3 1/2 years ago.
His family has always been incredibly nice and generous with me. They truly are incredible people. Another recent moment of jealously is this trip he is planning with his brothers. They leave next week for a west coast road trip. To areas I have always wish to go but just wasn’t in the cards for me. I found out that his mom is funding the entire trip.. he (my boyfriend) is almost 30!! And his mom is still paying for him to take a vacation? That’s she’s not even attending?
The most recent dinner at their home was filled with chat about their private yacht trip in the fall and their new $2 million home in Florida.
I was invited to a dinner this week at their home, which a private chef will be cooking for the family. I of course cannot attend bc I will be busy serving food at work to people with hopes of getting a good tip so that I can make rent this month.
when we initially started dating, I always offered to pay for things 50/50. Ive always been like that, I always offer to pay and refuse to accept money, even from my parents in the past. I think it’s a pride complex or something. Anyway, recently we were at the grocery store to pick up a couple items for the night. Well, it turned into us filling a large basket of thingseach of us needed. At the check out line I was under the impression that we would do two separate transactions, but he was chatting with the cashier and kept pushing everything forward. I saw it happening and just got upset and let it go, bc I was standing there with my card out ready to pay for my things, but his were now included. He didn’t even try to stop me or offer to pay. It was an entire shifts worth of groceries for me. When we got in the car he could tell I was upset but kept smiling and laughing. I was so upset and heart broken in that moment.


I do not want to seem like all I care about it money. But, I cannot help but let it bother me. That I work so hard, so tirelessly to have the minimum and he barely does anything but seemingly has it all. And yet I still pay for his things 50% of the time.
I make him sound awful - he truly is so loving and sweet and humble. You wouldn’t know he came from wealth if you met him on the street. But I feel like he is so used to having everyone take care of him, that he doesn’t see it as an issue for me to pay for his groceries. Like, I don’t know how to be with someone who will never be able to relate to the circumstances that I’ve had to live in and currently live in.
I do love him, and he had made it very clear that he wants to permanent future with me. But I cannot seem to curb this jealously. It eats away at me and I don’t want it to. He hasn’t really done anything wrong. He treats me with so much respect and always wants to be with me.

How can I get over this jealously? And how can I get through to him to help him see things through my perspective? Any advice is helpful.

Thanks everyone for reading, I know it was long.

Best wishes!!! :)
 

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Is it jealousy over what he has - or is it annoyance that he doesn't contribute/earn his own way?

Admittedly I don't really know what to suggest other than if you want to split groceries or whatever, then just tell him that. Maybe I'm about to offer a naive perspective but here goes. You suggest that his family are quite lovely, and towards you, and that he treats you with respect, is humble, sweet, and enjoys spending time with you. I would think loving him would equate to being accepting of him, and that he has a supportive family around him (and I don't mean material means here). The financial and social capital that he enjoys is part of what shapes his world view and his family also shapes who he is. If you want to be with him, there will be an acceptance of this without feeling some kind of power imbalance.

Okay, from another view, it may be that your different priorities and experiences (and potentially values) misalign - at least for you. And that may connect to whether you are compatible in the long run. There's a sense of you feeling 'hard done by' that you can't attend the private chef event as you'll be working rather than enjoying this with him. That's not a reflection on him, but you seem to be channeling it directly his way. I don't think looking at what he 'has' compared to what you may or may not have (in terms of material wealth or opportunities) is helpful to either of you. Sorry, as I started this post I did relay that I don't really know what to suggest! I guess if you love him, this stuff wouldn't really matter either way (is that idealistic?)... whether you share compatibility is another thing though. What I do observe in relationships is that resentment can deteriorate them.
 
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And yet I still pay for his things 50% of the time.
As a surface solution, just stop doing this. Tell him you both need to split expenses. He may not be doing this intentionally, yet you do need to speak up. On the flip-side, even if he can afford to pay the whole (for example) grocery bill, I don't think he ought to and you set the tone that you prefer to pay your part. Might be different if he's taking you out on a date or whatever (and vice verse)... which also doesn't need to be pricey. The deeper feeling you have around this though, won't necessarily be resolved by him paying his own groceries.

No doubt others will jump in here to offer some views (likely more helpful than mine!).

Best wishes to you.
 
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I come from wealth, but a lot of that was squandered and managed poorly, so what appears to everyone as me having a good start isn’t the reality. I learned the hard way from their mistakes and made my own way from the age of 18, and can stretch a dollar. Most people don’t know that I bailed my parents out many times. I’m stunned at how many people, think my wealth was given to me!

Husband was poor, a lot of resentment in the beginning, stubbornness on his part, he hated early on that he had debts and struggled. I don’t care that he was poor. I visit his family and get down and enjoy how they live, I’m their family now. His family make fun of me and never stop reminding me of my status, and I hate it. I’m not better than them, and they’re not better than me.

So it sounds like he is a lovely guy, please let all that go, it will eat you up, it really will. You say it’s eating at you, I understand. He didn’t choose the life he was born into just as much as you didn’t choose yours. Forget your struggles, that was then. What you have now is a loving husband and it sounds like his family treat you well. And he respects you.

Is there any input from your family at all? Do they remind you of how much he had?

Is it your pride or ego driving this? Do you live and respect him? Please accept him, he must be feeling this bitterness, as I said it pains me to know my husband sometimes views this as a competition and that he needs to meet me on some level - he doesn’t. He’s my equal.
 

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Have an honest conversation with him.
He needs to understand how hard you are working just to make ends meet and to eat.
Once he understands your reality you’ll be able to see if he is a compassionate man or someone who just doesn’t get your reality.

And set up an agreement so he helps you when you do things together. You don’t HAVE to pay 50% or more. If I was in line to get the groceries in your situation - I would’ve said - I need your credit card.

In other words, he’s oblivious - and you need to show him what’s real for you.

If he has stuff - try and get past the jealousy. He’s had a different life than you’ve had - you can both learn a bit more about lifestyles you didn’t experience growing up.

Also, ask him if he can make up the money you’d miss by going on the trip. If he can pay the money then you can go on the trip with him. He may not have thought about it from your perspective.
 

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you did not put anything in your post to show how your jealous ,
as far as I know you did not say if you are living together as a couple or this is just a relationship starting ,
your bf sounds like a guy that is a nice person that is not qualified for much and has in your words a low paid job
$17 and hour. I have no idea if this is good or bad and I don't know how it works in the usa hours per day and all that goes with that
BUT HE SEEMS TO GET HAND OUTS AT TIMES nothing wrong with his mother giving her son or sons gifts
it is her money and she likes to give what she can , my mother gave every last penny to her kids , if she had any money she spent it on her kids ,
the bad thing in that was she sometimes helped some too much and one had his hand out all the time , but when she needed money at the end he said some things that I can never forget or forgive
and did not put his hand in his pocket

his family seem good people and don't look down on you for not been rich , but you can not expect them to hide and not talk about what they are buying as they trust you
the other thing is you need to talk to him and let him know that you want him to pay his part in the same way if your were with a guy that is not as rich
it just makes me ask is he rich himself or does he try to live a rich lifestyle off only $17 and hour. he might be poorer than you but has a rich mother
that gives him the odd gift ,
 

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Also, ask him if he can make up the money you’d miss by going on the trip. If he can pay the money then you can go on the trip with him. He may not have thought about it from your perspective.
I am out of my depth here but can she in the usa even take off time from her job to go on this type trip , will the job be still there when she gets back ,
she been an independent person she might not like the idea as I could she her take ths as if she was asking to get paid to go ,
worse it is mother that is paying
 

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Also, ask him if he can make up the money you’d miss by going on the trip. If he can pay the money then you can go on the trip with him. He may not have thought about it from your perspective.
I believe the trip is him and his brothers which his mother/parents are funding.

Did you mean the private chef dinner? I don't think him (or more likely, his parents) ought to make up money that she'd miss from work if attending because regardless of his family's wealth, if she needed to work that night instead of attending any kind of social event (could be friends, her own family, etc), the expectation would not be for someone else to cover any missed pay so that she could still go; and granted, it doesn't sound like she would be comfortable to accept/propose the idea. Not sure if I have misunderstood you @Beach123
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I come from wealth, but a lot of that was squandered and managed poorly, so what appears to everyone as me having a good start isn’t the reality. I learned the hard way from their mistakes and made my own way from the age of 18, and can stretch a dollar. Most people don’t know that I bailed my parents out many times. I’m stunned at how many people, think my wealth was given to me!

Husband was poor, a lot of resentment in the beginning, stubbornness on his part, he hated early on that he had debts and struggled. I don’t care that he was poor. I visit his family and get down and enjoy how they live, I’m their family now. His family make fun of me and never stop reminding me of my status, and I hate it. I’m not better than them, and they’re not better than me.

So it sounds like he is a lovely guy, please let all that go, it will eat you up, it really will. You say it’s eating at you, I understand. He didn’t choose the life he was born into just as much as you didn’t choose yours. Forget your struggles, that was then. What you have now is a loving husband and it sounds like his family treat you well. And he respects you.

Is there any input from your family at all? Do they remind you of how much he had?

Is it your pride or ego driving this? Do you live and respect him? Please accept him, he must be feeling this bitterness, as I said it pains me to know my husband sometimes views this as a competition and that he needs to meet me on some level - he doesn’t. He’s my equal.

My family loves him and they think he is great. I know that my feelings are irrational and not exactly fair. I know that what I’m feeling must be envy and resentment. Thank you for your thoughtful post!! It really does help hearing others perspective to get me out of my own head.
 

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You mention a bunch of things, will try to go through them.

His parents have money, neither of you can change this, learn to deal w/ it or move on.

As for his letting you pay your way, you said you always go 50/50 and refuse to accept money. Don't get mad at him for listening to you.

In the grocery story you paid 100%, I would speak up about that. If he pays it is just an oversight, if he doesn't want to there is a problem.

Having money is not a character flaw, indeed there are people w/ less than you and that doesn't mean you are a bad person. You might, on the other hand, want to look at what he's done w/ his life and wonder where he will be if the well runs dry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
My family loves him and they think he is great. I know that my feelings are irrational and not exactly fair. I know that what I’m feeling must be envy and resentment. Thank you for your thoughtful post!! It really does help hearing others perspective to get me out of my own head.
My family makes no mention of his wealth. They do not care about status or wealth, they just care about how he treats me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Have an honest conversation with him.
He needs to understand how hard you are working just to make ends meet and to eat.
Once he understands your reality you’ll be able to see if he is a compassionate man or someone who just doesn’t get your reality.

And set up an agreement so he helps you when you do things together. You don’t HAVE to pay 50% or more. If I was in line to get the groceries in your situation - I would’ve said - I need your credit card.

In other words, he’s oblivious - and you need to show him what’s real for you.

If he has stuff - try and get past the jealousy. He’s had a different life than you’ve had - you can both learn a bit more about lifestyles you didn’t experience growing up.

Also, ask him if he can make up the money you’d miss by going on the trip. If he can pay the money then you can go on the trip with him. He may not have thought about it from your perspective.
thank you for such a great reply! It made me laugh a bit :)
This was helpful
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
you did not put anything in your post to show how your jealous ,
as far as I know you did not say if you are living together as a couple or this is just a relationship starting ,
your bf sounds like a guy that is a nice person that is not qualified for much and has in your words a low paid job
$17 and hour. I have no idea if this is good or bad and I don't know how it works in the usa hours per day and all that goes with that
BUT HE SEEMS TO GET HAND OUTS AT TIMES nothing wrong with his mother giving her son or sons gifts
it is her money and she likes to give what she can , my mother gave every last penny to her kids , if she had any money she spent it on her kids ,
the bad thing in that was she sometimes helped some too much and one had his hand out all the time , but when she needed money at the end he said some things that I can never forget or forgive
and did not put his hand in his pocket

his family seem good people and don't look down on you for not been rich , but you can not expect them to hide and not talk about what they are buying as they trust you
the other thing is you need to talk to him and let him know that you want him to pay his part in the same way if your were with a guy that is not as rich
it just makes me ask is he rich himself or does he try to live a rich lifestyle off only $17 and hour. he might be poorer than you but has a rich mother
that gives him the odd gift ,
where I live, $17/hr is a good wage for his position. It is not a high status position, but there are many people in need of work. I do not at all mean to shame him for how much he earns. I get that I may have worded that wrong. I was just trying to be humorous in a way because he did not qualify for this position, yet received the job anyway Bc of his stepfather.
i am starting to understand tbat this bothers me bc I have to work twice as hard to find work once I graduate. Whereas he will always easily have job security and advance whenever he decides to put in a little extra work. His stepfather told him that when he is ready (if he closes) that he will give him his first 2 stores - instantly boosting him to an owner.
This is something average people work very hard to achieve. I just want him to understand how incredibly fortunate he is and understand what it takes to earn what he has been given, rather than just obliviously receive. I know this sounds incredibly childish and selfish of me. I’m working on it..
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
*** I do not expect him to pay for me at all. I was just trying to give an example of a common situation in our relationship. That he can be cheap at times. Example: When we go to dinner, I always offer and leave the tip if he pays. But when I pay, he never offers. Things like that…

Where I live, $17/hr is a good wage for his position. It is not a high status position, but there are many people in need of work. I do not at all mean to shame him for how much he earns. I get that I may have worded that wrong. I was just trying to be humorous in a way because he did not qualify for this position, yet received the job anyway Bc of his stepfather.
i am starting to understand tbat this bothers me bc I have to work twice as hard to find work once I graduate. Whereas he will always easily have job security and advance whenever he decides to put in a little extra work. His stepfather told him that when he is ready (if he closes) that he will give him his first 2 stores - instantly boosting him to an owner.
This is something average people work very hard to achieve. I just want him to understand how incredibly fortunate he is and understand what it takes to earn what he has been given, rather than just obliviously receive. I know this sounds incredibly childish and selfish of me. I’m working on it..
 

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where I live, $17/hr is a good wage for his position. It is not a high status position, but there are many people in need of work. I do not at all mean to shame him for how much he earns. I get that I may have worded that wrong. I was just trying to be humorous in a way because he did not qualify for this position, yet received the job anyway Bc of his stepfather.
i am starting to understand tbat this bothers me bc I have to work twice as hard to find work once I graduate. Whereas he will always easily have job security and advance whenever he decides to put in a little extra work. His stepfather told him that when he is ready (if he closes) that he will give him his first 2 stores - instantly boosting him to an owner.
This is something average people work very hard to achieve. I just want him to understand how incredibly fortunate he is and understand what it takes to earn what he has been given, rather than just obliviously receive. I know this sounds incredibly childish and selfish of me. I’m working on it..
YES BUT AT LEAST THE STEPFATHER HAS NOT MADE HIM MANAGEMENT like many fathers do , I know some local companies run by people that are not fit for the job and then they take on people to run the companies and they they rip off the businesses , so no i think your stepfather is doing his best to help the young lads to know the running of things first , and fair play to him ,
it is the running of the world to help your kids as much as you can
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Is it jealousy over what he has - or is it annoyance that he doesn't contribute/earn his own way?

Admittedly I don't really know what to suggest other than if you want to split groceries or whatever, then just tell him that. Maybe I'm about to offer a naive perspective but here goes. You suggest that his family are quite lovely, and towards you, and that he treats you with respect, is humble, sweet, and enjoys spending time with you. I would think loving him would equate to being accepting of him, and that he has a supportive family around him (and I don't mean material means here). The financial and social capital that he enjoys is part of what shapes his world view and his family also shapes who he is. If you want to be with him, there will be an acceptance of this without feeling some kind of power imbalance.

Okay, from another view, it may be that your different priorities and experiences (and potentially values) misalign - at least for you. And that may connect to whether you are compatible in the long run. There's a sense of you feeling 'hard done by' that you can't attend the private chef event as you'll be working rather than enjoying this with him. That's not a reflection on him, but you seem to be channeling it directly his way. I don't think looking at what he 'has' compared to what you may or may not have (in terms of material wealth or opportunities) is helpful to either of you. Sorry, as I started this post I did relay that I don't really know what to suggest! I guess if you love him, this stuff wouldn't really matter either way (is that idealistic?)... whether you share compatibility is another thing though. What I do observe in relationships is that resentment can deteriorate them.
Thank you for the great reply! I am starting to understand that it certainly is an annoyance that he doesn't contribute or earn his own way. This is my own issue that I need to resolve within myself.
 

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the guy you describe seems to be a very nice guy and his mother and stepfather also ,
they don't rub your nose with their money they do not look down on you your very lucky to have him and his family ,
I wish you well and hope you find you place within the family at some stage ,
like you I know what it is like to work for money but i know how important it is to know how to treat people
 
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I grew up with nothing and boot strapped my way into owning a large business, my wife grew up in a wealthy family that did not struggle financially at all, similar situation to you and your bf.

People that grow up with wealth, often don't understand the true value of money, it is something they have to learn. He likely expects things involving money to just happen and it doesn't even dawn on him the effort involved in a hard earned dollar. With things like the grocery shopping you paid for, you simply need to explain to him why it was an issue, and setup some rules, like you are paying separately if that is what you want.

If you want to stay with him, this is something that you'll need to work out. Sounds like, he at some point will be financially stable... some people just get lucky like that. The thing to watch out for is does he still try to lead a lifestyle beyond his means when someday he isn't living at home....
 

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He may just not understand… what your experience has been.

That’s why it’s useful to explain to him your position and see how he responds.

And if/when you need something from him just say so. It’s not useful to let resentments stew on the mind. It will kill everything good about any relationship.

Like the grocery store incident… I would think stating the obvious is best… hey, I’ll need you to Venmo me $___ dollars for groceries you chose.

It’s as simple as that. State what you need. How can ge know what you need if you don’t tell him? He’s not a mind reader and he’s never been in your situation - so educate him. 😀
 
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