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Discussion Starter #1
Let me start out this novel here.

About 2 & 1/2 years ago I had a stressful event occur in my life, now it has been resolved, for the most part - but at the time it pretty much wrecked my life. I used to be a smoker (cigs) when I was younger. I quit because my then boyfriend now husband said he wouldn't ever be married to a smoker. We've now been married just over seven years, together a total of eleven years. When I got stressed in '07 I picked up a cigarette and smoked only occasionally, which then escalated to more and more as it usually does with an addiction. But I knew how much my husband would've hated this so I lied about doing so. Then he asked me several times over the last two years if I had been smoking, I always lied saying no I hadn't and was very adamant that I had not and would not smoke. Even though in all actuality - I was. The guilt began to build for me- especially over the last 6 months. I just couldn't come clean with him over this. I was smoking only at work - with coworkers who knew my situation and were also lying for me. Which just makes it worse, since I have now ruined their credibility with him as well.

This just continued to get worse, but I had it in my mind that I was going to quit smoking on the first of April (09). Well, my husband was looking for my cell phone in my purse on Sunday evening (3/29/09) and found two packs, one open and one unopen. Instantly he was upset - as I knew he would be, and honestly I don't blame him. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would've been upset as well.

Since Sunday, he has told me that he can never, ever trust me with anything again, he doesn't believe a word I say including "I'm Sorry.", he does not want to be in a relationship with me any further and would prefer it if I moved out. To make things more complicated, we have a 3 & 1/2 year old son, whom neither of us wants to be apart from. I told my husband I was not going anywhere. I do not think that leaving is a solution to this problem. I am more than willing to work through any issues and regain his trust back - I have not had a cigarette since he found them on Sunday, nor do I intend to. I wanted to quit. I just couldn't work up the courage to tell my husband I'd been lying to him. He is now sleeping in our extra bedroom which is where he says he'll stay for the time being to be able to continue to enjoy our son. He has called me a liar (deservedly), who can't and shouldn't be trusted, he will never believe a word that comes out of my mouth again. He wants a reason from me of why he should even consider staying married to me, other than our son. But when I offer up my apologies, and tell him that I will do absolutely anything it takes to regain his trust, he just comes back at me with why should I believe you. Which, again, I can understand. He's always been know for his quick temper and hurtful words. And I know that he will usually calm down and talk rationally, but I've seen him go weeks with me, and years with others before talking about the situation.

I am completely at fault, and I fully take that into consideration. I understand he feels disrespected and deceived. (Although he tells me I do not, and that I'm only sorry that I got caught. When actually I was almost relieved I got "caught".) He says he doesn't know if he even loves me anymore, for "how could he, after what I've done to him." I was always taught that you unconditionally love your spouse and people near you. I do love him unconditionally - there have been times when all my family and friends have said I should just leave him and move on with my life, but I love him and made a vow, so I cannot do that. (I realize what I just wrote contradicts the lying & smoking, but I am being honest - I feel as if I got sucked into smoking and the lies just followed. It's awful.) So, now we're to the point where he has said he will continue to stay in the extra bedroom and he wants me to "just stay the hell away from him". I want so badly to repair the damage that I've done to our relationship - I just don't know how to. I can live like this for awhile, but knowing myself, I will eventually want to talk with him about this - more than likely before he is ready to talk - and approach him. I just need some advice on what to do or say to him to make him see that I really am telling him the truth and that I really will do anything and everything to regain his trust and re-establish his love for me. In the meantime though, I am so distraught, upset, teary eyed, and haven't ate since Sunday night (It's mid Tuesday now.). Please if you have any advice on my situation I would be so appreciative to hear it.

Thank you so much.
 

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1 - Trust isn't going to come back overnight - you lied and he's hurt. It will take time to earn it back.

2 - Counseling is what I would recommend for both of you. I think you need a mediator.

3 - You said that your relatives have told you to leave in the past. Is it possible that he is unhappy with the relationship and sees this as the final straw so to speak?
 

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Thank you

1. I realize that it won't come back overnight. The "stressful event" that happened two years ago involved his trust with my parents and family, and he didn't even speak to them for a year. But, he has given them a chance since then and he's at least civil with them. So there is a tidbit of hope that he'll come back around.

2. He will not go to counseling or therapy. He says "Those people just brainwash you". No matter how hard I try - he does not want a third party involved - I have tried many times before. Any ideas on how to get him to do this? His brother is as close to counseling as he's ever been, and his brother doesn't want to be in the middle of us again as a mediator.

3. He does see this as a final straw, however I've not let him down to this degree before, so it's really the first time I've done something of this nature to him. And no, that is no excuse for what I've done. I've always been more than honest with him in the past - up until I got to smoking and had my better judgement clouded by tobacco. As I said previously, I will take more than my share of the blame here, because I truly do deserve it. But is this "common" for him to not even know if he still loves me over this?? I understand winning his trust back and giving him some space, but to lose your love for someone just seems like a far cry from the "unconditional love" I see in a marriage.

I just can't comprehend turning feelings on and off like that.
 

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Unfortunately I don't think there is such a thing as unconditional love in marriage and I think that may be why so many fail - someone thinks that if someone loves them now they will forever no matter what. But the truth IMHO is that you make a decision everyday you get up to love your spouse or not. You have to work on it everyday. Its not that when you say "I do" you've got them hooked and no matter what you or they do from that day on they will always love you.

I understand that you don't think you've done anything 'this major" to him before, but lots of little things over the years could have built up until this is it in his mind, especially if he is like me, I keep it all bottled up and don't say a word until I've had enough and its very hard to go back from that point. (not saying he's right, just saying I know how that goes)

If he won't go to counciling then you have to do the best you can to live your life like an open book and he might start to trust you again. Give him some time, he's angry. I don't know your husband but some people have a make or break thing that they can't put up with in a relationship - cheating for example - that's an automatic divorce for some - others work through it. If you knew up front he said he would never marry a smoker, then you may have to face he won't stay married to one.

I wish you luck and hope it works out!
 

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I was making the point to our councilor on the last visit with my wife that impulse control stands more of a fighting chance when two people are in it together, even if the impulse comes from one. That said, cigarettes shouldn't threaten a 3y/o's life like single parenting might.

Finding out you have been lied to sucks, but it can also be rocket fuel for someone who is paranoid and in need of validation. I agree there may be other events he's taken to the high ground and mediation may be all that will get them out. Good luck, it sounds like you've got someone who is all too willing to put up walls.

Alone, all I would suggest is to apologise and express shame when you think it is the right time.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks Unit. You nailed it right on with the comment "someone who is all too willing to put up walls". That pretty much sums him up. I guess I have to just take the ignoring from him and pretty much live in shame until he decides the time is right to communicate with me. That really sucks, because it could very well be a long long time before that happens. I'm so upset right now, and I hate, absolutely hate bringing this in front of my child, but my husband will throw him into the middle of it just to hurt me and prove how "stupid" I am. I've already taken my son aside and apologized to him, told him that mommy did a bad thing and needs a time out right now. Of course all of this is foreign to him, but I feel better knowing I have apologized for lying to my child.

The reason I say that is that in the heat of the argument Sun. night my husband looked at my son and told him to ask him mom why she is a liar. Broke my heart.
 

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Him dragging your son into this is unacceptable. I know he is angry, and rightly so, but using your son is boarder lining on abuse I think - to both of you and isn't acceptable. If he has an issue with you fine, but be a mama bear and tell him you won't put up with him dragging your child into it. He needs to be protected.
 

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I agree with you TNGirl, I've made that point to him in the past about keeping our arguments to ourselves and not letting it affect our son's life. Time and time again he will argue with me in front of him, yell, scream, cuss and generally throw a fit. I have told him how I absolutely hate the fighting in front of children and I would not tolerate it. The instance from Sunday night, was awful, that was the last thing he said before he walked out the door to go to his brothers house to pick up his sunglasses he had forgotten there. No reason to drag our child into this.

He told me last night that there is no point in starting from scratch with me again, when he can find anyone else on the planet to start over with - not that he wants to find anyone else, just that he could. All my reasonings for getting him to stay, trust me, love me again - just get filed into the "you lied to me, so why should I believe you now" section of his life. I can't make him believe me, but I am and have been totally honest with him since all this came out on Sunday. I'm doing my best just to live a normal life in front of my son for the time being - hoping that he'll have a change of heart in the (near) future.
 

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Please, please, read my post very carefully. Read it multiple times and try to absorb what I'm saying although it will sound totally out there to you.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Your husband is emotionally abusing you and, clearly, has taken your self-esteem and sense of self worth away from you little by little by little.

You smoked in secret and that wasn't a good thing to do. Fine. BUT, the reaction that you are describing is so insane and over the top that you come out looking good and he comes out being the *******. Not to mention that there are hints in your posts of him being very cruel to you. He clearly blames you for all that is wrong with the world when he's unhappy. He's emotionally abusing your child (yes, emotionally abusing his child because there's no way that a 3 year old can remain happy and healthy forever when daddy treats mommy the way your H is treating you right in front of the child, when daddy brings him into the argument and talks about mommy being stupid and a liar). He clearly had a tantrum with your parents as well and dared to not speak to them for a whole year ... during which, I am guessing, he alienated them from you as well. He's probably had the same type of interaction with many many people in his life. They show they're not perfect (that's all that happened when you broke down and smoked) and he, the perfect almighty shuns them and shames them endlessly and rips them an new ******* for as long as he can.

My advice to you is to get angry. You smoking in secret required a very honest sorry and him saying don't do that again, I love you and care for your health, I will help you quit. He may have been a bit cooler for a day or two and THAT'S THAT. Any more than that is crazy and absurd. He is the one that is saying he doesn't love you, the marriage is over, etc OVER THIS?? He either wants to leave you any way and this was his chance or he's a freaking narcissist or sociopath - take your pick.

GET ANGRY. You do not deserve this treatment. What you did wasn't that bad. What he's doing to you and your son is VERY bad. I'm sure he acts like this (to varying degrees) all the time ... is that why family and friends have suggested, in the past, that you should leave him.

I say that rather than plead with him to forgive you, you pack his crap and tell him to not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. You might love him, but no one should love another person to the point where they let themselves and their child's be stripped of their souls and self-respect. You are doing your boy a disservice by letting this man treat you this way.

Since you won't take the above advice (to send him packing), my second piece of advice is go to counseling. Not with him. Go by yourself. You really need someone to help you evaluate your situation from a clearer angle.

I might completely off-base here since all responses are based on only a few posts and very little history - but I'm throwing a shot in the dark because if what I'm saying is true (or largely true) then I hope my words can help you see that you are in a dysfunctional situation that has nothing to do with you falling off the wagon and smoking.
 

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Allow me please to call you sweetheart because that is what you are and that is exactly what you should feel like.

It sounds to me like you have a very low self esteem and have lost the "old you". I bet you used to be fun-loving, outgoing and laugh a lot. I bet since you have been married, you have been in solitude so to speak.

Hon, This is because you are in a relationship that is harmful to your well being and your health as well as that of your beautiful son.

Please read your Bible. Your husband is no "God". He is not perfect by any means. There was only one person who was perfect, and we all know who that was. Look how many times God forgives and continues to love us? Does that tell you anything at all. The Bible teaches to "Never put our trust in man because man will let us down", but to "Put our trust in the Almighty because HE will never forsake us."

You pray for the Lord to forgive you if that is what you feel you need. You need to forgive yourself as well because if you don't, it will eat you up like a flaming bull.

Learn to love YOU. Learn to respect YOU.

Please forgive me for saying this after all of this talk about the Bible, but your husband sounds like a very selfish, condesending *******. Who cares what he thinks or whom he forgives. From the sounds of the way he has treated and talked to you, even if you did decide to divorce him, "Good luck to whomever wants that for a husband". No support, no love, no respect, nothing. A Loser. Yes, wedding vows are "for better or for worse". That doesn't mean that he is supposed to treat you worse. That means when you are at your worst, he is supposed to be the one to pick you up, hold you, love you and help you in any way that he can to get through this.

May GOD BLESS YOU hon. Please listen.........TO YOUR HEART, not someone else's (obviously bad)heart.

LOVE YOURSELF AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!! :)
 
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