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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Quick story. Married 10 years. Together 15.

When we married, I was average weight/height. After several rounds of IVF and depression from several miscarriages, my weight went up to 190 lbs (5'5). We still had sex at least 2x per week and he always told me I was beautiful.
My husband started an affair shortly after our last miscarriage when my weight went up. He told me he was considering divorce. I started to exercise and eat right. Lost over 35lbs. Now I'm back to my wedding weight.
After I exposed the affair, he told me he still wanted a divorce. He said he loved me but was not attracted to me. I think he is still in "the fog" and attracted to the other woman. Question to those of you who have survived this... How did you start to find your wife attractive again? How did you find that spark again. I'm not sure what to do and I feel hopeless.
 

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I don't think it has anything to do with the weight gain. He is just selfish and yes in the fog.

Have you allowed him to rug sweep? Has he stopped contact with her?

A loving husband will not cheat on you in the bad times, he will support you and love you.
 

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The most attractive thing you can do is let him have at his decision. He cheated... That says a lot about him... You, on the other hand, have worked hard to lose the weight and make the effort! (Congrats, by the way)!! Seems like you deserve a lot better! :)
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Do the 180.

Fix yourself up and go out and have some fun with friends, start a new hobby, get some new clothes and act as if everything is fabulous. He can eat his heart out.

Congratualtions on getting fit. tell yourself your a sexy fit young thang looking good and dont look back!
 

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I'm not going to address the cheating aspect of this. You'll get plenty of that. I'm going to take you at your word that you're genuinely interested in attracting your man back. Might he be in the fog? Yes, of course that could happen. He needs to be 100% no contact for months for that to wear off. If he's not "no contact" with the OW, then you've got much bigger problems.

So, for me, attraction has very little to do with looks or weight. It has almost everything to do with how "into" me and how much of that vibe I get from a woman. There's also an element of the chase that keeps me interested. I guess it's a fine line. But I'm very attracted to a woman who needs to be chased a bit, plays just a little hard to get, but once I have her convinces me 110% that she wants me more than anything.

Looks / weight might come into play with someone I don't know at all. But not so much for someone I already know.

Also, don't underestimate the emotional damage that he's suffered from the miscarriages. Feeling the need to suppress your own emotions to support your wife when something like that happens can be really hard on a guy. Especially if it happens several times.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the replys. I think I am overdoing it. Telling him that I love him every day. Texting constantly. Wanting to be by his side 24/7. I thknk I am smuthering him.
And yes, I was certain as well that the weight thing was just a mask for other problems. Obviously he doesn't like to open up. Never has. Does very well bottling up emotions. I never knew anything was wrong until he dropped his bomb. I personally think its a bit of a mid-life crisis. He is 38 and one of the emails to the OW talked about how boring his life was and how he loved that he never knew what she was going to do next.
 

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File divorce. If that doesn't snap him out of the fog, nothing will.

And for god sake, stop being his puppy dog. Don't text, call, follow him around. STOP saying you love him. Stop it. Get back to YOU. What you are doing (smuthering him) is NOT attractive at all. No no.

I say all this from experience. Yep.
 

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I personally think its a bit of a mid-life crisis.
Stop with the "mid-life crisis" bull. It is an all to common excuse used by many that have been cheated on to try to lessen the real wickedness of what their spouses have done. You are trying to fool yourself into making what he is doing seem like something that an otherwise good person would do, when they are not thinking clearly. Your husband is thinking clearly just fine. No matter how hot you are, the newness factor gives the other woman the advantage over you in the chemicals released by the brain. After 15 years together, it is impossible for you to give him that same feelings.
 

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Your husband is a total jackwagon and deserves to be kicked in the nuts repeatedly. Stop being nice to him, that is the last thing he deserves. Get angry for God's sake and don't let that fool take advantage of how nice you seem to be. There are lots of GOOD men waiting for a woman just like you.
 

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Stop being clingy, it's not atractive. Just the opposite, it's pityfull.

Here; The Healing Heart: The 180

What did you do about the affair? Did it stop? Do they work together? Did you expose (OWH, family, friends, work)?
 

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This has nothing to do with weight gain. "Attractive" means a lot more than physical attraction, although your attempts at losing weight is the right thing to do.

Why did he cheat? What was missing in the relationship that he needed to go elsewhere for? After so many miscarriages, where you angry/depressed/distant? Were you afraid to be intimate for fear of another round of pregnancy/miscarriage?

None of these(or anything else) justifies cheating but I think the answer lies somewhere in there. And if those issues aren't addressed, you won't be attractive to him or future boyfriends.

And I agree with others... file for divorce. It will either start you down the road to a new life or snap him out of it.
 

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Quick story. Married 10 years. Together 15.

When we married, I was average weight/height. After several rounds of IVF and depression from several miscarriages, my weight went up to 190 lbs (5'5). We still had sex at least 2x per week and he always told me I was beautiful.
My husband started an affair shortly after our last miscarriage when my weight went up. He told me he was considering divorce. I started to exercise and eat right. Lost over 35lbs. Now I'm back to my wedding weight.
After I exposed the affair, he told me he still wanted a divorce. He said he loved me but was not attracted to me. I think he is still in "the fog" and attracted to the other woman. Question to those of you who have survived this... How did you start to find your wife attractive again? How did you find that spark again. I'm not sure what to do and I feel hopeless.
OP,
I looks like your husband is " cake eating " to me.
He's having sex with you twice per week , and still telling you that he's not in love with you?
My immediate reaction would be , why are you still having sex with this man, trying to seduce him, constantly texting him etc?

If your weight is gone and you look like you did on your wedding night, somebody else would be happy to have you in their arms, and treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Obviously your husband wants to go.
Let him go.
 

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I don't think it has anything to do with the weight gain. He is just selfish and yes in the fog.

Have you allowed him to rug sweep? Has he stopped contact with her?

A loving husband will not cheat on you in the bad times, he will support you and love you.
:iagree::iagree:

Same both ways - No matter what happens a loving partner takes you for better or worse.

What would have happened if he'd had an accident and his looks were damaged, under his concept you should then divorce him?? He's talking complete rubbish. We are who we are and there are things that change in a marridge as a loving partner we need to hold our partner closer when the things do go wrong
 

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His cheating has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with who he is. Stop being needy and file for divorce. If he wants to come back and fight for you he will. If not, you don't want him anyway. It would just be more of the same. I speak from experience. I made the same mistakes you're making. You can't get the wasted time back.
 

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Well this is a tough situation. If you still love him then don't let anyone tell you to stop loving him. It isn't their business. I agree with other people here and start doing your own thing, go out with other ladies to a night club and have some fun. Try marriage councilling to see if he is willing to give it another try. Don't do what I do and eat comfort food to feel better. Continue working out, you are 5'5", 155 lbs. Try to get down even more in weight to around 135 or so to make him jealous and realise what he has. Men are men, they will always take a woman who is hot and an OK person over a woman who is fat and a great person. That is the way they are.
 
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