I need advice...(sorry its a bit long winded)
My husband and I survived his affair about 3 years ago. His mother was one of the few people who knew what happened, and about a week ago she called me asking for help trying to prove her husband has been cheating on her. He travels for work, and based on lots of hunches, the fact that she has witnessed him drooling over her, can't help himself to talk about her frequently (she's a neighbor), has witnessed them flirting, and personal grooming/sex habit changes, viagra pills missing out of his bottle, she started getting suspicious. She said she heard him say I love you to someone on the phone 2 years ago (only person he says that to is his mother and he said it in an intimate way) but when confronted he said it was one of his co-workers and they were just joking around...she thinks it may have been going on for at least that long...
Once confronted, 2 months ago, he completely denied it, then proceeded to clean out his office for half a day, and coincidentally had a computer tech come in and work on his computer, and now all of his "sent" emails since the confrontation are mysteriously deleted. He completely stopped traveling for work (his choice - why?), is very angry with her, berating her, threatening to leave her daily, she begs him to stay, believes the affair is still going on, wants the affair to stop, and wants her marriage back.
He is completely denying it, and she is relentlessly looking for proof with tape recorders, snooping, stalking, etc. She is literally making herself crazy and has threatened him that she will kill herself. She just started on a relaxer, lorazapam, but is still hysterical and crying all the time. When she tries to control her emotions but looks sad, he antagonizes her and tells her to knock it off, berates her and gets her hysterical again.
She will not let him go anywhere alone. Insists on going EVERYWHERE with him. I tell her to let him go and follow him at least, she says she doesn't want to risk losing him in traffic. She thinks that he misses his lover, and is in withdrawal which is why he is being so horrible. There is still a possibility that he isn't having an affair because she does not have real proof, but she FIRMLY believes he is, and cannot even contemplate the possibility that he is not because she is so sure. I have repeatedly suggested she contact a therapist, even if he wont go to figure out how best to handle this, but she says she doesn't want to go. I don't know how to help her.
I have a very bad feeling that something violent is going to happen. She hit him in the back once and he grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall leaving bruises. He has never apologized for that, or anything in their entire marriage. The man is a complete piece of crap and treats her like property, very domineering etc. I wish she would just leave him, but she is "in love" (been there) and wants to make it work (been there).
Please help. I don't know what to do on my end or what I can suggest. I have asked her what is she going to do if she never finds proof, and she can not possibly be with him every second forever. How is she going to carry on like this?
What should she do? (Oh and P.S., as you can imagine I am having nightmares about my husband cheating, did a search on his computer, came up with something weird, and am now having trust issues again, so there's that!)