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help for Mother In Law

1741 Views 8 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  zportiss
I need advice...(sorry its a bit long winded)

My husband and I survived his affair about 3 years ago. His mother was one of the few people who knew what happened, and about a week ago she called me asking for help trying to prove her husband has been cheating on her. He travels for work, and based on lots of hunches, the fact that she has witnessed him drooling over her, can't help himself to talk about her frequently (she's a neighbor), has witnessed them flirting, and personal grooming/sex habit changes, viagra pills missing out of his bottle, she started getting suspicious. She said she heard him say I love you to someone on the phone 2 years ago (only person he says that to is his mother and he said it in an intimate way) but when confronted he said it was one of his co-workers and they were just joking around...she thinks it may have been going on for at least that long...

Once confronted, 2 months ago, he completely denied it, then proceeded to clean out his office for half a day, and coincidentally had a computer tech come in and work on his computer, and now all of his "sent" emails since the confrontation are mysteriously deleted. He completely stopped traveling for work (his choice - why?), is very angry with her, berating her, threatening to leave her daily, she begs him to stay, believes the affair is still going on, wants the affair to stop, and wants her marriage back.

He is completely denying it, and she is relentlessly looking for proof with tape recorders, snooping, stalking, etc. She is literally making herself crazy and has threatened him that she will kill herself. She just started on a relaxer, lorazapam, but is still hysterical and crying all the time. When she tries to control her emotions but looks sad, he antagonizes her and tells her to knock it off, berates her and gets her hysterical again.
She will not let him go anywhere alone. Insists on going EVERYWHERE with him. I tell her to let him go and follow him at least, she says she doesn't want to risk losing him in traffic. She thinks that he misses his lover, and is in withdrawal which is why he is being so horrible. There is still a possibility that he isn't having an affair because she does not have real proof, but she FIRMLY believes he is, and cannot even contemplate the possibility that he is not because she is so sure. I have repeatedly suggested she contact a therapist, even if he wont go to figure out how best to handle this, but she says she doesn't want to go. I don't know how to help her.

I have a very bad feeling that something violent is going to happen. She hit him in the back once and he grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall leaving bruises. He has never apologized for that, or anything in their entire marriage. The man is a complete piece of crap and treats her like property, very domineering etc. I wish she would just leave him, but she is "in love" (been there) and wants to make it work (been there).

Please help. I don't know what to do on my end or what I can suggest. I have asked her what is she going to do if she never finds proof, and she can not possibly be with him every second forever. How is she going to carry on like this?

What should she do? (Oh and P.S., as you can imagine I am having nightmares about my husband cheating, did a search on his computer, came up with something weird, and am now having trust issues again, so there's that!)
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Keylogger the computer. then just layoff and allow the men to reveal themselves.

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The question is, what would you do if you had proof? What would your mil do? If you're going to go looking for proof, you should have definite ideas for what to do if you get it. or if you don't.
Sad: thank-you for the tip in keylogger. I will check it out and see if we can get it installed. I asked her what she would do if she found proof, and she says she just wants the affair to stop. She wants him to stop seeing the woman,...if she doesn't find anything, which I think is totally possible, then I don't know what she's going to do. I asked her when is she going to stop looking...I don't think he is going to get caught now. What about phones? He is on his smartphone all the time. Is there a way to track that?
Yes, there are things to turn phones into amazing surveillance devices. Google cellphone spyware. You need to have access to the phone to install it. Some would require the phone to be rooted, or jailbroken. What kind of phone?

You can also look up phone records online to, to get a good look at the activity on it.
She should have a var close at hand at all times, keep a journal of what her husband has done and start securing monies for emergency use. In parrallel find a reputable PI and hire them.

A doctors visit should be on the list as well.
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She has to stop groveling---begging, and acting like she can't exist w/out him

Her only decent weapon is D/threat of D.---She is probably in her late 50'a or older, and scared sh*tless of going on her own---so unfortunately for her, she has to make a decision, whether to stay in the misery she is in, or go into the big world by herself

I don't see much in the way of alternatives---she could tell her H's lovers, H, what is going on, and she might get some help in stopping the A

Unless she is willing to stop groveling, and become very HARSH about all of this---nothing is gonna change---as I said D/threat of D, are her major weapons, along with telling the other betrayed H.
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thank you so much for all the great advice. I agree about the emergency money but what is a var?
Voice activated Recorder.

One concern I have is that your MIL is acting very unstable. You must be talking to her. Do you think that this might be just paranoia ?
I don't think she is imagining it, but that is always a possibility because she has no actual proof.

Yes she is using a voice activated recorder and hasn't found anything to prove an affair.

She believes he is using his smart phone to text and/or email, and now that she has confronted him he has coincidentally deleted all old emails from before she confronted him....and cleaned out his office for 4 hours before he was supposed to go out of town so she couldn't find anything, and coincidentally had a computer tech come over to the house to "work" om his computer right after the confrontation...

She heard him say I love you to someone else on the phone....

Then there is the way the other woman flirted with him multiple times in front of MIL, he drooled at her every time he saw her in the neighborhood, and then how he kept bringing her up like he couldn't even control himself because he was so infatuated. Then there are the missing viagra pills, the change in his appearance and sexual appetite and appearance, and the fact that since she confronted him, he stopped traveling for work completely, and actually cancels his trips last minute because she insists on driving him to the airport...

what would you think? I know she sounds unstable, and I have questioned whether I am biased because of my husband's affair, but it is just too many strange coincidences...what does he have to hide that he went to so much trouble to delete? It's sound logic to me...combined with all of the signs....
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