hi everyone/anyone. this is my first time on this site or any site like it - I am just at my wits end and would really appreciate anyone's thoughts on my situation. there is a lot getting to me right now and I do not know what to do. I dont know where to begin but ....
to people that dont know my wife and i well, we look like a typical family - we have the two most beautiful young children who I absolutely adore and devote my life to, we are both professionals (I'm in finance, my wife is a doctor), and have a nice, modest houst in the suburbs. We have another baby on the way (December). We are young (mid 30's) and have been with each other for 14 years (my wife was still at college when we met), married for 8 years. we have financial pressures due to the fall in property values but these are surmountable and my career, if not great, progresses slowly every year and I am finally (after a long slog) earning a good salary - unfortuantely the opposite has happened my wife as she has had to juggle motherhood and career and has seen her own business suffer in the downturn (quite markedly). So far so typical. These are all things most couples can deal with. However scratch the surface and a very different picture emerges.
We have major fundamental problems with our marriage and, I believe, we both have issues to deal with that pre-date our ever meeting. I believe (and I may be wrong) that my wife problems are more significant and more damaging to our marriage. These are not new issues and in truth have been there since before we married - we have either denied or ignored or I have accepted things I did not really believe in.
To compound these matters I have recently lost my twin brother (fraternal) to cancer at a young age and seen him leave a wife and two babies behind. Unfortunately my relationship with him (and with my younger brother and parents) had deteriorated hugely in recent years and were at a very low ebb when he was diagnosed 12 months ago (he had a positive prognosis but the treatment didnt work, and he passed away 4 months ago, I am still reeling from the loss but also know that I will be OK). We reconciled straight away after the diagnosis but I will always be so guilty. While it wasnt the greatest twin brother relationship in the world, it was still a good one. However it went bad in recent years and while the fault is ultimately mine so much was because I did what my wife wanted and chose conflict with my brothers and parents rather than with her, even or especially when I did not agree with her. I created and fed the monster and didnt have the spine to face up to it - my weakness, my fault and I am devastated.
On top of this my wife has reasonably consistently physically abused me for the last 6 or 7 years (it would have started a few years before that) and has been especially acute in the last 12 months. I have never physically abused her but have had to physically restrain her on countless occasions - I am an athletic 6ft2in / 200lbs man - but I still have sufferred bruises, cuts, scrapes on many occasions. I have never said or written these words. My wife has spoken to her mother about it and it goes for a few months.
The other thing that she has done to me on very frequent basis is kick me out of the house (probably for last 6 or 7 years). I am expelled for a few nights and allowed come back but only if my tail is between my legs and so this is what I do - I always rationalise that I'm doing it for the children but I always apologise and go back to the spare room where I have spent most of our married life, yes I'm serious.
This is all very wierd writing these things - I dont know whos reading. and you probably think that I am making this up or that I have done some monstrous things or theres some dark secret. But I am not so interesting. The main reason of my wifes frustrations has been her relationship with her in-laws, that is my parents, my two brothers (RIP my twin) and their wives. she also has quite an up and down relationship with her two siblings and her parents and her friends (which unfortunately are now few enough). She uses negative hypebolic language about people all the time - "x hates me", "x is evil" - and I usually say "hey they are just trying to struggle through life like the rest of us" or I try and agree with her and then give a caveat how her interpretation is maybe slightly extreme but this then provokes a reaction that "I never support her". I think she has made people fear and dislike her beacuse of these reactions and its a vicious circle.
where I know where I am at fault is that I have not ever really challenged her. I once broke up with her, a few weeks after going to work with marks on my face for the first time (11 years ago), but didnt say it was connected. Instead I said I just wanted a break because I was young etc. Instead I sensed ours wasnt a good relationship - I could see we were both isolating ourselves from friends and things like the physical dynamics between us were not good and the punches were part of a final wake up call. I have just remembered how two police officers came to our apartment that night as my wife had placed an emergency call following her taking a bunch of painkillers that evening and then I think there had been a noise complaint so that was why police not ambulance came or we rang the emergency number to cancel the previous one but anyway the police (one male, one female) were asking her these questions if she was ok, why had she called, was there anything else and then just as they were leaving the female police officer looked at me and asked if I was Ok - I just sensed she knew - of course I said I was OK. Anyway the break lasted about 6 months (and was very difficult for her as we had moved to a new place) and things improved after but I could see that I had rocked her very badly. But since then I have almost never fully stood up to her. I have had to swallow my pride on so many occasions, accepted her position on things and then fought fights with other loved ones and suffered but still managed to get on with life, do OK at work, have great kids together, keep friendships with old friends (though at a distance) and just been a good soldier I guess.
So why do I post now. I just cant keep doing this. I have been thrown out one again tonight, scrapes on my arms, taken a few punches, the usual. This time my wife is accusing me of further disloyalty to her (I have never proved my loyalty to her - I just dont understand what she means). she believes that my late brothers wife in particular (and the rest of my family too) wants to destroy our marriage by being friendly with me and our kids and isolating her. At times she brings a very ugly lurid dimension to this on the basis that I had kissed my sister-in-law in my much younger and drunker days (years before I met my wife). I also had an early (innocent) short relationship with my sister-in-laws older sister when I was in high school. These are things only my wife thinks about and there are no unresolved issues in reality.
I am trying to help my parents grieve and grieve myself. I believe that everyone trying to get along will help us all but here I am, opening my heart about my marriage problems but I know I will never recover if I dont sort this out.
I am trying to think of other things to write in particular things that might shed more light on me, in a bad way especially but I am a faithful, considerate husband, devoted father, responsible, hard working, ambitious (but thats gone - I am having a crisis with work too - but I am ignoring that for now). I have never said a bad word to anyone (but myself) about my wife as I always felt to do so would be too humiliating for me and lead me on a lonely path and just lead to financial ruin.
My wife has said for many years that she wants to leave me and maybe I have driven her mad by always accepting and never giving up on us.
For the first three months I knew her she was simply the greatest thing I had ever came across, the absolute and utter knock out love of my life. We had similar humour, tastes, interests and she was beautiful and for the first time I felt like I was a man to be envied with this great girl. She actually did great things for me at the start - made me feel good about myself, gave me a bit of ambition, a bit of structure and balance. While I had minor, short bouts of depression in my late teens / early twenties I have never felt like that since. Maybe I have built coping mechanisms, I dont know.
I loved her so much but maybe we are not right for each other or maybe it got imbalanced a long time ago and we have never navigated our route back because there was no route.
with hindsight I realise my wife was depressed when i met her and has suffered to a minor degree from depression for some time. I would think its low grade but it has impacted her personality to a degree that when she is upset (and she is easily and frequently upset) she loses all sense of reason and proportion and overreacts to everything (not just relating to me). She is a wonderful mother and conscientious doctor but works too hard (has always done) and exhausts herself - she disagrees this has anything to do with things - instead if I was a better husband she would be fine. She has seen a therapist who said alot of her issues stemmed from her fathers remote parenting (a decent man, somewhat spoilt, who knew no better) and she has periodically used anti-depressants and sleeping tablets (using none at present due to pregnancy) and the anti depressants and anti anxiety medication helped somewhat but the rage never left. I can never talk to her about these things - she is alway the victim and will turn things around and on to the latest thing that has upset her or if not that then something from years ago. I iknow I have caused her upset but I have never deliberately done so.
I dont know what else to say. I dont know if we are doomed. I dont know if Im doomed to an unhappy life whatever way I turn.
Thanks for listening to me. Im sorry if this has bored you. I just needed someone to know. Thanks. Ive just seen the post is very long - Im sorry - there is so much else
Any feedback would be appreciated
Zog
to people that dont know my wife and i well, we look like a typical family - we have the two most beautiful young children who I absolutely adore and devote my life to, we are both professionals (I'm in finance, my wife is a doctor), and have a nice, modest houst in the suburbs. We have another baby on the way (December). We are young (mid 30's) and have been with each other for 14 years (my wife was still at college when we met), married for 8 years. we have financial pressures due to the fall in property values but these are surmountable and my career, if not great, progresses slowly every year and I am finally (after a long slog) earning a good salary - unfortuantely the opposite has happened my wife as she has had to juggle motherhood and career and has seen her own business suffer in the downturn (quite markedly). So far so typical. These are all things most couples can deal with. However scratch the surface and a very different picture emerges.
We have major fundamental problems with our marriage and, I believe, we both have issues to deal with that pre-date our ever meeting. I believe (and I may be wrong) that my wife problems are more significant and more damaging to our marriage. These are not new issues and in truth have been there since before we married - we have either denied or ignored or I have accepted things I did not really believe in.
To compound these matters I have recently lost my twin brother (fraternal) to cancer at a young age and seen him leave a wife and two babies behind. Unfortunately my relationship with him (and with my younger brother and parents) had deteriorated hugely in recent years and were at a very low ebb when he was diagnosed 12 months ago (he had a positive prognosis but the treatment didnt work, and he passed away 4 months ago, I am still reeling from the loss but also know that I will be OK). We reconciled straight away after the diagnosis but I will always be so guilty. While it wasnt the greatest twin brother relationship in the world, it was still a good one. However it went bad in recent years and while the fault is ultimately mine so much was because I did what my wife wanted and chose conflict with my brothers and parents rather than with her, even or especially when I did not agree with her. I created and fed the monster and didnt have the spine to face up to it - my weakness, my fault and I am devastated.
On top of this my wife has reasonably consistently physically abused me for the last 6 or 7 years (it would have started a few years before that) and has been especially acute in the last 12 months. I have never physically abused her but have had to physically restrain her on countless occasions - I am an athletic 6ft2in / 200lbs man - but I still have sufferred bruises, cuts, scrapes on many occasions. I have never said or written these words. My wife has spoken to her mother about it and it goes for a few months.
The other thing that she has done to me on very frequent basis is kick me out of the house (probably for last 6 or 7 years). I am expelled for a few nights and allowed come back but only if my tail is between my legs and so this is what I do - I always rationalise that I'm doing it for the children but I always apologise and go back to the spare room where I have spent most of our married life, yes I'm serious.
This is all very wierd writing these things - I dont know whos reading. and you probably think that I am making this up or that I have done some monstrous things or theres some dark secret. But I am not so interesting. The main reason of my wifes frustrations has been her relationship with her in-laws, that is my parents, my two brothers (RIP my twin) and their wives. she also has quite an up and down relationship with her two siblings and her parents and her friends (which unfortunately are now few enough). She uses negative hypebolic language about people all the time - "x hates me", "x is evil" - and I usually say "hey they are just trying to struggle through life like the rest of us" or I try and agree with her and then give a caveat how her interpretation is maybe slightly extreme but this then provokes a reaction that "I never support her". I think she has made people fear and dislike her beacuse of these reactions and its a vicious circle.
where I know where I am at fault is that I have not ever really challenged her. I once broke up with her, a few weeks after going to work with marks on my face for the first time (11 years ago), but didnt say it was connected. Instead I said I just wanted a break because I was young etc. Instead I sensed ours wasnt a good relationship - I could see we were both isolating ourselves from friends and things like the physical dynamics between us were not good and the punches were part of a final wake up call. I have just remembered how two police officers came to our apartment that night as my wife had placed an emergency call following her taking a bunch of painkillers that evening and then I think there had been a noise complaint so that was why police not ambulance came or we rang the emergency number to cancel the previous one but anyway the police (one male, one female) were asking her these questions if she was ok, why had she called, was there anything else and then just as they were leaving the female police officer looked at me and asked if I was Ok - I just sensed she knew - of course I said I was OK. Anyway the break lasted about 6 months (and was very difficult for her as we had moved to a new place) and things improved after but I could see that I had rocked her very badly. But since then I have almost never fully stood up to her. I have had to swallow my pride on so many occasions, accepted her position on things and then fought fights with other loved ones and suffered but still managed to get on with life, do OK at work, have great kids together, keep friendships with old friends (though at a distance) and just been a good soldier I guess.
So why do I post now. I just cant keep doing this. I have been thrown out one again tonight, scrapes on my arms, taken a few punches, the usual. This time my wife is accusing me of further disloyalty to her (I have never proved my loyalty to her - I just dont understand what she means). she believes that my late brothers wife in particular (and the rest of my family too) wants to destroy our marriage by being friendly with me and our kids and isolating her. At times she brings a very ugly lurid dimension to this on the basis that I had kissed my sister-in-law in my much younger and drunker days (years before I met my wife). I also had an early (innocent) short relationship with my sister-in-laws older sister when I was in high school. These are things only my wife thinks about and there are no unresolved issues in reality.
I am trying to help my parents grieve and grieve myself. I believe that everyone trying to get along will help us all but here I am, opening my heart about my marriage problems but I know I will never recover if I dont sort this out.
I am trying to think of other things to write in particular things that might shed more light on me, in a bad way especially but I am a faithful, considerate husband, devoted father, responsible, hard working, ambitious (but thats gone - I am having a crisis with work too - but I am ignoring that for now). I have never said a bad word to anyone (but myself) about my wife as I always felt to do so would be too humiliating for me and lead me on a lonely path and just lead to financial ruin.
My wife has said for many years that she wants to leave me and maybe I have driven her mad by always accepting and never giving up on us.
For the first three months I knew her she was simply the greatest thing I had ever came across, the absolute and utter knock out love of my life. We had similar humour, tastes, interests and she was beautiful and for the first time I felt like I was a man to be envied with this great girl. She actually did great things for me at the start - made me feel good about myself, gave me a bit of ambition, a bit of structure and balance. While I had minor, short bouts of depression in my late teens / early twenties I have never felt like that since. Maybe I have built coping mechanisms, I dont know.
I loved her so much but maybe we are not right for each other or maybe it got imbalanced a long time ago and we have never navigated our route back because there was no route.
with hindsight I realise my wife was depressed when i met her and has suffered to a minor degree from depression for some time. I would think its low grade but it has impacted her personality to a degree that when she is upset (and she is easily and frequently upset) she loses all sense of reason and proportion and overreacts to everything (not just relating to me). She is a wonderful mother and conscientious doctor but works too hard (has always done) and exhausts herself - she disagrees this has anything to do with things - instead if I was a better husband she would be fine. She has seen a therapist who said alot of her issues stemmed from her fathers remote parenting (a decent man, somewhat spoilt, who knew no better) and she has periodically used anti-depressants and sleeping tablets (using none at present due to pregnancy) and the anti depressants and anti anxiety medication helped somewhat but the rage never left. I can never talk to her about these things - she is alway the victim and will turn things around and on to the latest thing that has upset her or if not that then something from years ago. I iknow I have caused her upset but I have never deliberately done so.
I dont know what else to say. I dont know if we are doomed. I dont know if Im doomed to an unhappy life whatever way I turn.
Thanks for listening to me. Im sorry if this has bored you. I just needed someone to know. Thanks. Ive just seen the post is very long - Im sorry - there is so much else
Any feedback would be appreciated
Zog
