[Alanis]

Hi all,

I've been married for 2 years now. I started feeling insecure about my self in front of my husband since few months after we got married and it's worse in the last few months as it triggers all my jealousy and anger.

I never felt insecure in my previous relationships. I always consider my self as average, that I don't stand out in a crowd but not the ugliest either. I was totally okay with that. I always felt that I was my exs' type of woman physically and non-physically.

When I met my husband and got married shortly after, I felt confident about my self that I was all he wanted physically and non-physically. But time flies by and I got to know my husband better each day and sadly at the same time, based on what he said about me and women in general, I then knew/found out/felt I am not his type.

Then it got worse when I read his email to his male friend (they talked about their women in details a month before we got married, but I found out about this email few months after we got married) what he thought about me:

that I was a plain looking woman he was in love with, who he found later as beautiful, that he wasn't sexually attractive to me as I am not curvy, that he preferred curvy woman. He also wrote about his sex life with his first (very beautiful but rarely had sex with him - husband said he loved her so much) and second wife (he said she wasn't beautiful for him, but had lots of sex and had great body parts that I know my husband really like in a woman - husband said he never loved her).

After reading that email, I was shaking and crying, feeling so sad. That email was like a confirmation of my doubts about how he really felt about me based on the jokes/opinions about me or women in general. Since then I easily got jealous and angry. Every time he praises me physically I don't feel proud or happy, I don't believe he really thinks that way about me.

I don't feel beautiful, and totally nothing compared to those beautiful women he's ever been with or any random women out there.

I am the smallest and skinniest woman he's ever known, and knowing my husband prefers curvy woman, I feel like I am such a looser with my petite and flat body.

I don't have a good job nor rich.

I haven't been able to have babies, and we both want children. He had children with previous wives.

I am the oldest woman he's ever been with even though I look young (as almost everyone says).

I feel like he could easily fall for any random women out there as I am not any better compared them. That he stays married to me because of plausible love he feels for me and that I take care of his children and the house well.

I know he prefer sanguine/extrovert person over a melancholic/introvert like me.

I know he prefer slightly slanted eyes, no matter how many times he says how beautiful my big eyes are, I don't feel special.

I was okay being an average person and even didn't care at all and prefer being out of sight in a crowd. I was okay being an average for my exs as I knew I was their type. But now it bothered me so much that my being average is far from my husband's standard/taste. That I am not his type.

I wish I were his type.
I wish I was his dream woman.
The only thing about me that he always said he was dreaming of is that I have a long beautiful black hair.

These feelings make me get jealous and angry easily. I want to get rid of them before it gets worse. It slips in my mind to give up and walk away as sometimes I feel can't cope anymore. But I love my husband so much.
I really need help.

Thank you for reading my thread.

p.s: I opened two similar thread before then deleted them cause I felt I didn't phrase nor focus on the problem well.

 

[CanadianGuy]

If you feel so inadequate why do you think he is still married to you?

Why is the way he feels about women in charge of your self esteem? You need to be in charge of that.

 

[cloudwithleggs]

Don't have children with him, i don't care what others say he should not be talking about you like that to anyone, not if he loves you, it shows a deep lack of respect.

That is very hurtful, go find a man that is proud of you and that thinks you are beautiful, sexy and shouts it from the roof tops.

 

[Emerald]

How many ex-wives does he have? Why did those marriages end? How long did each marriage last? You need to develop good self-esteem based on accomplishments not how you look.

 

[oldgeezer]

Yes... Insecure. You see it and we see it. I don't see you saying anything in defense of your own worth. He wanted to marry you despite the fact that you aren't his body type. I didn't marry a woman with my "body type" either. But I never thought that was all that big of a deal. And I certainly never said anything to anyone to that effect.

I can't possibly see into your soul and tell you what you should do about your relationship with him, but I can tell you that you really, REALLY need to gain some respect for yourself. Whether you're his "body type" or not, you are who you are, and you're a worthy person. Respecting your own talents and skills, and your own worth as a decent, respectable, virtuous person is absolutely essential, so that you don't fall apart when others say things that cut into your soul.

No, it's not about arrogance or having a big head, it's knowing you are worth being respected and loved for and as just exactly who you are, not by a measuring tape.

 

[Alanis]

If you feel so inadequate why do you think he is still married to you?

Why is the way he feels about women in charge of your self esteem? You need to be in charge of that.

Thanks for the comment CanadianGuy,

He is quite open about his pasts, he honestly said he loved his first wife so much, with the second wife he said never loved her, and with me he always says he loves me and I believe him. But sometimes I feel that he's still married to me because he's stuck with me, not that we have children together, and that maybe because he doesn't see me as "sexy/hot" woman every man wants, he feels safe to have me.

I know I sound so pathetic but am being honest about how I really feel at the moment. Your last sentence is a good advise for me honestly,thank you. It sounds easy to do, hope I can make my self think that way soon, but am still struggling with my low self esteem now.

 

[caseyjohnso]

If you feel so inadequate why do you think he is still married to you

 

[caseyjohnso]

I don't see you saying anything in defense of your own worth

 

[Alanis]

hi
i think you are beautiful and attractive woman.because after many beautiful woman he wanted get marry with you.so something is special about you.thats why he got marry with you.
i am married,very jealous man.my wife is beautiful and i accepted that there are many more beautiful than my wife and there many handsome man than i am in the world.BUT they are not different than models on the newspapers.so they no meaning for us.
ok.your husbands e-mail hurt you.but i a man and i know men always talk about women or ex relations.maybe not all of them but most of them.but believe me its harmless.if he cheat on you really you never know.so stop judging you like ''you are not enough for him or better than you are''
you are good enough.therefore he is with you.he talks to his mate about past relations.nothing is real anymore.
my advice dont leave him alone,give him more attention and try to find what really makes him happy(sex,sexy dress,make up,fantasies...)believe me its work.i expect from my wife the same.if she does like that why i ll look at different women.
so good luck
hope it helps you a bit

Fireman, thank you for your comment,
Hope what you say it's true that what has been said about his past doesn't mean anything and harmless. It's not easy to imagine he wouldn't compare me to his past women with the fact that he has more relationships than I do.
I have been giving him hard time with all my jealousy and anger because of my low self esteem, thank you for your advise, I should be nicer to him, I still love him.
Maybe you're right that what he said doesn't mean anything because even though in his email he wrote he wasn't sexually attracted to me, we have a good sex life up to this moment, he is always all over me since we were together. But again with my low self esteem I sometimes think he's just getting used to me (well he said he was getting used to my body shape) and maybe sex is just sex to men whether with someone you love or not (with his second wife he had lots of sex even though he didn't love her).
Thank you, your comment helps me seeing this from man's view (other than my husband's view).

 

[*LittleDeer*]

OP I think it's perfectly normal to expect that your spouse finds you attractive and isn't lying when they tell you this.

I see your husband as having been incredibly hurtful and mean and disrespectful emailing his friend like that. He has created distrust in how you see, how he feels about you. That speed damage self esteem.

I think you need marital counseling.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Alanis]

Don't have children with him, i don't care what others say he should not be talking about you like that to anyone, not if he loves you, it shows a deep lack of respect.

That is very hurtful, go find a man that is proud of you and that thinks you are beautiful, sexy and shouts it from the roof tops.

Hi Couldwithleggs,thank you for your comment.
As far as I know up to this moment he never said/wrote something like that again. He is quite too honest when it comes to this, he could tell how beautiful I am, nice legs etc, and but also negative things in me, flat/small nose, how small I am, even when he said it mostly in jokes but when it's too many, I don't find it funny. I am an Asian woman who tends to be smaller in frame etc compare to any other sub-race, and of course I look different. I don't expect him to have "yellow fever" because I wouldn't be happy if he loves me because of that, but I wish I am more of his type.
About finding new man, it's always not easy for me to look for other men when I love someone. I love my husband so much, but disappointed to understand I am not his type of woman.

 

[Alanis]

How many ex-wives does he have? Why did those marriages end? How long did each marriage last? You need to develop good self-esteem based on accomplishments not how you look.

Hi Emerald, thank you for your comment.

I'm his third wife. First one ended after 10 years because she was pregnant by other man, second one was more like a rebound and because of the children and law he couldn't got away from it sooner (5 years), he claimed and I saw the old emails my self, that he always tried to get a divorce just after few months of marriage, but had to stay for the kids. Second wife wasn't a loyal wife, he said.

Thank you for your advise, I've been trying to achieve my goals in life I had before entering this marriage for my own sake/self esteem.

 

[Alanis]

Yes... Insecure. You see it and we see it. I don't see you saying anything in defense of your own worth. He wanted to marry you despite the fact that you aren't his body type. I didn't marry a woman with my "body type" either. But I never thought that was all that big of a deal. And I certainly never said anything to anyone to that effect.

I can't possibly see into your soul and tell you what you should do about your relationship with him, but I can tell you that you really, REALLY need to gain some respect for yourself. Whether you're his "body type" or not, you are who you are, and you're a worthy person. Respecting your own talents and skills, and your own worth as a decent, respectable, virtuous person is absolutely essential, so that you don't fall apart when others say things that cut into your soul.

No, it's not about arrogance or having a big head, it's knowing you are worth being respected and loved for and as just exactly who you are, not by a measuring tape.

Oldgeezer, thank you for a very honest comment.

As you said you also married to a woman who's not your type, can I ask you a question? What if you meet a woman with the same quality/personality as your wife but with your dream body type? Wouldn't you prefer to be with the new woman?
You said you never mention anything to anyone, so your wife never knows that she's not your type?

I can say that I am a naturally loyal person, doesn't take effort for me to stay loyal to my partner. I didn't have promiscuous life (which I know that's what my husband seeks in a woman because of his experiences with exes). I know I am not a stupid person, but my husband is really smart, sometimes he said I am smarter than he is.

Again, thank you for your honest and good advise. It helps me to hear/read what others say about this. I honestly can't share this with my friends or family as I am a quite introvert person. Takes time for me to finally join or even post a thread here.

 

[Alanis]

I don't see you saying anything in defense of your own worth

Hi Casey, thank you.

I have answered the similar question.
Please check my reply to Oldgeezer (#13)

 

[Alanis]

OP I think it's perfectly normal to expect that your spouse finds you attractive and isn't lying when they tell you this.

I see your husband as having been incredibly hurtful and mean and disrespectful emailing his friend like that. He has created distrust in how you see, how he feels about you. That speed damage self esteem.

I think you need marital counseling.
Posted via Mobile Device

LittleDeer, thank you for understanding how I feel.

He never clearly said that I am not his type, I found it out from the email he sent to his friend, after few months I told him that I knew about it. And he said, that means nothing, people change. But it damages my self esteem, I still remember how sad I was to read it. I knew I was wrong checking on his email like that, but if I didn't I would never find out.

I knew that I am not his type also based on what he said, for example when we watch tv, he could say, look at Terri Hatcher, she has big beautiful eyes like yours. And some other time he might say, ew, one thing I don't like from her is her butt is so ugly, and I know that mine looks similar. Sometimes when we talk about what we call sexy body I will point at some that I think are sexy, he wouldn't agree, and what he considers as sexy is definitely not the ones with similar body type as mine.
Makes me sad to think about he might lust after some women with his sexiness standard. I read many posts here from men who so proudly said that their wives are their dream women physically.

 

[CanadianGuy]

Alanis so much of what you have said here is based on your physical appearance. Almost to the point of believing that you base your self worth on what you look like and how he feels about what you look like.

Take a look around Alanis. None of us are perfect. We age, things change, wrinkles appear, gravity pulls at us, so what? I can think of more than a few celeb's that are not all that attractive ( model wise ) but something about their personality draws me in. I find so many more things about people attractive besides their looks.

You sound quite sensitive toward his comments about your appearance. Let a lot of that go. He's breeding his own insecurities to become part of you. And you are constantly comparing yourself to others. Stop. Their is only one you.

What other qualities do you have that men would be proud to say they love about you?