Hi all,
I've been married for 2 years now. I started feeling insecure about my self in front of my husband since few months after we got married and it's worse in the last few months as it triggers all my jealousy and anger.
I never felt insecure in my previous relationships. I always consider my self as average, that I don't stand out in a crowd but not the ugliest either. I was totally okay with that. I always felt that I was my exs' type of woman physically and non-physically.
When I met my husband and got married shortly after, I felt confident about my self that I was all he wanted physically and non-physically. But time flies by and I got to know my husband better each day and sadly at the same time, based on what he said about me and women in general, I then knew/found out/felt I am not his type.
Then it got worse when I read his email to his male friend (they talked about their women in details a month before we got married, but I found out about this email few months after we got married) what he thought about me:
that I was a plain looking woman he was in love with, who he found later as beautiful, that he wasn't sexually attractive to me as I am not curvy, that he preferred curvy woman. He also wrote about his sex life with his first (very beautiful but rarely had sex with him - husband said he loved her so much) and second wife (he said she wasn't beautiful for him, but had lots of sex and had great body parts that I know my husband really like in a woman - husband said he never loved her).
After reading that email, I was shaking and crying, feeling so sad. That email was like a confirmation of my doubts about how he really felt about me based on the jokes/opinions about me or women in general. Since then I easily got jealous and angry. Every time he praises me physically I don't feel proud or happy, I don't believe he really thinks that way about me.
I don't feel beautiful, and totally nothing compared to those beautiful women he's ever been with or any random women out there.
I am the smallest and skinniest woman he's ever known, and knowing my husband prefers curvy woman, I feel like I am such a looser with my petite and flat body.
I don't have a good job nor rich.
I haven't been able to have babies, and we both want children. He had children with previous wives.
I am the oldest woman he's ever been with even though I look young (as almost everyone says).
I feel like he could easily fall for any random women out there as I am not any better compared them. That he stays married to me because of plausible love he feels for me and that I take care of his children and the house well.
I know he prefer sanguine/extrovert person over a melancholic/introvert like me.
I know he prefer slightly slanted eyes, no matter how many times he says how beautiful my big eyes are, I don't feel special.
I was okay being an average person and even didn't care at all and prefer being out of sight in a crowd. I was okay being an average for my exs as I knew I was their type. But now it bothered me so much that my being average is far from my husband's standard/taste. That I am not his type.
I wish I were his type.
I wish I was his dream woman.
The only thing about me that he always said he was dreaming of is that I have a long beautiful black hair.
These feelings make me get jealous and angry easily. I want to get rid of them before it gets worse. It slips in my mind to give up and walk away as sometimes I feel can't cope anymore. But I love my husband so much.
I really need help.
Thank you for reading my thread.
p.s: I opened two similar thread before then deleted them cause I felt I didn't phrase nor focus on the problem well.
I've been married for 2 years now. I started feeling insecure about my self in front of my husband since few months after we got married and it's worse in the last few months as it triggers all my jealousy and anger.
I never felt insecure in my previous relationships. I always consider my self as average, that I don't stand out in a crowd but not the ugliest either. I was totally okay with that. I always felt that I was my exs' type of woman physically and non-physically.
When I met my husband and got married shortly after, I felt confident about my self that I was all he wanted physically and non-physically. But time flies by and I got to know my husband better each day and sadly at the same time, based on what he said about me and women in general, I then knew/found out/felt I am not his type.
Then it got worse when I read his email to his male friend (they talked about their women in details a month before we got married, but I found out about this email few months after we got married) what he thought about me:
that I was a plain looking woman he was in love with, who he found later as beautiful, that he wasn't sexually attractive to me as I am not curvy, that he preferred curvy woman. He also wrote about his sex life with his first (very beautiful but rarely had sex with him - husband said he loved her so much) and second wife (he said she wasn't beautiful for him, but had lots of sex and had great body parts that I know my husband really like in a woman - husband said he never loved her).
After reading that email, I was shaking and crying, feeling so sad. That email was like a confirmation of my doubts about how he really felt about me based on the jokes/opinions about me or women in general. Since then I easily got jealous and angry. Every time he praises me physically I don't feel proud or happy, I don't believe he really thinks that way about me.
I don't feel beautiful, and totally nothing compared to those beautiful women he's ever been with or any random women out there.
I am the smallest and skinniest woman he's ever known, and knowing my husband prefers curvy woman, I feel like I am such a looser with my petite and flat body.
I don't have a good job nor rich.
I haven't been able to have babies, and we both want children. He had children with previous wives.
I am the oldest woman he's ever been with even though I look young (as almost everyone says).
I feel like he could easily fall for any random women out there as I am not any better compared them. That he stays married to me because of plausible love he feels for me and that I take care of his children and the house well.
I know he prefer sanguine/extrovert person over a melancholic/introvert like me.
I know he prefer slightly slanted eyes, no matter how many times he says how beautiful my big eyes are, I don't feel special.
I was okay being an average person and even didn't care at all and prefer being out of sight in a crowd. I was okay being an average for my exs as I knew I was their type. But now it bothered me so much that my being average is far from my husband's standard/taste. That I am not his type.
I wish I were his type.
I wish I was his dream woman.
The only thing about me that he always said he was dreaming of is that I have a long beautiful black hair.
These feelings make me get jealous and angry easily. I want to get rid of them before it gets worse. It slips in my mind to give up and walk away as sometimes I feel can't cope anymore. But I love my husband so much.
I really need help.
Thank you for reading my thread.
p.s: I opened two similar thread before then deleted them cause I felt I didn't phrase nor focus on the problem well.