This is our pattern: A little minor disagreement happens and generally he insists he's right at the time - he's pretty firm and insistent about being right. A short time later, I say something like "I felt bad because ..." and try to explain how I feel that he doesn't seem to respect or listen to my opinion.
This is a problem, because I've just switched the conversation from the initial issue we disagreed about, to the way he spoke to me during the disagreement. I've heard that is a difficult switch for men. Maybe I shouldn't do this, but I am feeling disrespected. Here's where it gets bad for us. The conversation almost always goes like this:
Me: I feel bad because ....
Him: (Silence)
Me: (Feeling frustrated and unheard because of his silence) I just want you to understand how that makes me feel. I feel....
Him: (Silence)
Me: (Feeling even more badly) Do you understand?
Him: (In an angry, harsh tone that clearly indicates the opposite of what he says) Yeah, whatever! I understand, I give up, whatever!
Me: (Feeling pretty darned hurt now) I feel your tone indicates that you don't agree. It sounds like you want me to just shut up. Can't we talk about this?
Yes, I keep trying to talk, and he clearly doesn't want to. So I understand that I'm pushing him into an angrier and angrier position. Maybe I just need to stop, but I am hurting and I want us to come to understanding and make up.
By the way, I'm really good at conflict conversation: I don't raise my voice, I use "I" statements, not "you" statements, etc. But it doesn't matter.
The whole thing ends one of two ways. Either I shut up and just try to swallow my hurt. Or I keep pressing, and eventually he starts saying horrible things (all "you..." statements about how I "always" do this, I "enjoy torturing" him, I "love conflict," I am "totally unreasonable," I "always have to be right"). Again, I have two choices: I can shut up and swallow the hurt, or I can press. If I press it builds till he storms out for a few hours.
Today when it happened we were in the car just leaving to drive to another city for the day. He turned around, drove home, and when he stopped in the driveway I said "I don't know what I should do." He said "You should get out." So I got out. He drove off to the other city without me.
He will come back in 3-4 hours, and this will be the conversation:
Him: I'm sorry.
Me: I'm sorry too.
And nothing else will get said. By this time I'm so stressed and exhausted, I can't possibly try to engage in any further discussion. Also I'm also just really glad he came back.
Yes, we end with saying sorry. But it's just driving me crazy because I feel like he has all the power. My only choice seems to be to swallow my hurt and shut up. And the sooner I can do that in one of these conversations, the better. I never feel heard or validated.
Caro
This is a problem, because I've just switched the conversation from the initial issue we disagreed about, to the way he spoke to me during the disagreement. I've heard that is a difficult switch for men. Maybe I shouldn't do this, but I am feeling disrespected. Here's where it gets bad for us. The conversation almost always goes like this:
Me: I feel bad because ....
Him: (Silence)
Me: (Feeling frustrated and unheard because of his silence) I just want you to understand how that makes me feel. I feel....
Him: (Silence)
Me: (Feeling even more badly) Do you understand?
Him: (In an angry, harsh tone that clearly indicates the opposite of what he says) Yeah, whatever! I understand, I give up, whatever!
Me: (Feeling pretty darned hurt now) I feel your tone indicates that you don't agree. It sounds like you want me to just shut up. Can't we talk about this?
Yes, I keep trying to talk, and he clearly doesn't want to. So I understand that I'm pushing him into an angrier and angrier position. Maybe I just need to stop, but I am hurting and I want us to come to understanding and make up.
By the way, I'm really good at conflict conversation: I don't raise my voice, I use "I" statements, not "you" statements, etc. But it doesn't matter.
The whole thing ends one of two ways. Either I shut up and just try to swallow my hurt. Or I keep pressing, and eventually he starts saying horrible things (all "you..." statements about how I "always" do this, I "enjoy torturing" him, I "love conflict," I am "totally unreasonable," I "always have to be right"). Again, I have two choices: I can shut up and swallow the hurt, or I can press. If I press it builds till he storms out for a few hours.
Today when it happened we were in the car just leaving to drive to another city for the day. He turned around, drove home, and when he stopped in the driveway I said "I don't know what I should do." He said "You should get out." So I got out. He drove off to the other city without me.
He will come back in 3-4 hours, and this will be the conversation:
Him: I'm sorry.
Me: I'm sorry too.
And nothing else will get said. By this time I'm so stressed and exhausted, I can't possibly try to engage in any further discussion. Also I'm also just really glad he came back.
Yes, we end with saying sorry. But it's just driving me crazy because I feel like he has all the power. My only choice seems to be to swallow my hurt and shut up. And the sooner I can do that in one of these conversations, the better. I never feel heard or validated.
Caro