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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
A friend needs help

NOTE: I recently got the following PM and would like to be able to help her as much as I can. I suggested open forums which she had problems posting but gave me permission to post for her.

needing help

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Hi-
I noticed you do lots of very good posts on this site.. and I could really use some help.

I have been married for almost 2 yrs. and my husband and I have been in this relationship for 8 yrs. We have always argued about the same things.. and always say we'll 'change', but always fall back into our old habits. IWe both keep things bottled up until we can't stand it anymore and explode and have these huge fights- happens about once a month, but recently it's been about ever week . are gradually getting worse.
Recently, he threatens divorce when we get into these arguments.. but then I beg him not to.. and tell him how much I love him..etc. and he tells me "one more chance". I've told him that throwing divorce into our fights needs to stop- it hurts and its not helpful... So, we both stop our bad habits and try to fix things.. only to bottle other things up and have an explosive fight a few days later.

Recently, we both started playing WoW.. he started before me and then got me playing after Christmas We both sit at seperate computers doing our own thing for hours in the evening.. until its time for bed, then we go to bed and don't talk or anything... So, I welcome the help with my character from other players when possible. So I started doing 'quests' with another player ( will call him T). T and I have been playing on the game together for a few months now. We would msg. each other and talk about real life stuff. We'd sorda flirt back and forth, but mostly just help each other out. I didn't worry about telling him I was married b/c I didn't think anything would happen... my first mistake.. then he started msging me things like "hey babe" or "cya sweets" .. innocent enough... I use those type of words in normal life, but I don't hear them a lot from my husband, so hearing them from T felt nice. It made me feel like I was important to somebody. So the more T did it, the more I drifted away from my husband, the more we started to argue, the more I got involved and 'addicted' to the game. I enjoyed my time with T, and I enjoyed talking to him. Then we really started to flirt a lot and sometimes our msgs would get kinda sexual in contexts... . My husband happened to see him call me 'babe' one nite, and then later me call him 'sweets', I just told him oh its not big deal.. it doesn't mean anything, yada yada. So, then T and I had a very sexual conversation over the computer and ended up having computer sex I guess. We had gotten to know each other pretty well, and I knew he wasn't a psycho.. Then he asked if I wanted his #, and I agreed to talk to him. At first, it was innocent.. we'd just talk about the game and life. One night I was playing and he started talking very sexual on the computer to me, then asked me if I wanted to finish the conversation on the phone.. and so we did. We had phone sex, and it was the most action I had gotten in several months. T and I had a few more of these conversations late at night after my husband had gone to sleep. Then, the other night I played the game really late and T asked if I wanted to talk after finishing a few things on the game.. so I did. In the middle of our conversation, my husband walks in on me having phone sex.. he asked what I was doing, so I told him, and he asked who with, and I told him. . It all just happened so fast and I couldn't even believe that it had reached this point.

He and I both left our house and went to seperate locations. I know that this is cheating.. but I never did anything physical.. The following day, I called him to apologize and try to talk to him. We had a very helpful talk. He told me that if we were going to try and work things out, he wanted me to 'get fit' ( as in lose weight) and accept that there would be alot more questions asked, and he wanted me to come up with one logical reason why he should take me back.. I couldn't other than that if he truly loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me he would find a way to work through this with me. I told him I wanted to go to counseling, which he is not big on. I told him the reason, and told him that it was up to him.. he hasn't answered yet.

Anyhow, I've decided to quit the game.. and tell T that I am married, All of this happened so fast, and now I am faced with the fact that I single handedly messed up my marriage completely, not to mention probably ended it.

Where do I begin in all this? What do I need to do to convince him that I love him and want him to take me back more than anything?

Please help in anyway you can.. I appreciate it.

Thank you for your time.

update:

Right now, I need to know what I should be doing to get my husband to forgive me. We spoke today and he has agreed to go to counseling with me, which is really good for him ( he doesn't accept psychologists with open arms). What do we need to discuss most with our chosen counselor/ psychologists?

Thanks for all your help.. and feel free to post my private msg to u.. i just couldn't figure out how to do it and I needed answers as soon as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
A) Stop it and cut all ties. This is a good step you have already done. It is important that this is pointed out in the session as part of the recovery.

B) The need to rebuild trust. If he wants the relationship to work then he needs to be able to trust. Mostly this is something that will take many months or years to do.

C) Take an honest look at your relationship. Fix it. Talk about whatever it is that you where missing in the relationship. Did you miss physical touch? Then make it a point to kiss, hug and hold hands all the time. Having a bond that you never go your seperate ways without a kiss and a hug, always spending part of the night cuddling before bedtime and just holding hands when you go out somewheres can be very important.

D) Learn to communicate better. Talk everyday even if it seems like trivial stuff, and learn to listen too. An easy way to head off problems or fix them is in the art of communication.

I think the most important thing to tell your hubby in counsiling and out is that you want to work on the marriage and are willing to go that extra mile to not only fix it but make it better.

best of luck,

draconis
 

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I think you have taken some very positive steps already. Add Drac’s advice and you’ve got a pretty good recipe for recovery but it will be slow. You never said what your behaviors were that were causing problems for you both but you must get these under control. You must communicate your needs as well as discuss the things that bother you and not “bottle them up” This is destructive and will only damage an already fragile situation. Spend time together. Playing WoW from separate rooms is not couple time. Do not fail in your no contact with TOM. Remember this will take time. Good luck.
 

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I think drac summed it up pretty well...in the area of rebuilding trust, your husband will probably need you to be an open book where he doesn't have any reason to question what you are doing or with whom. Only he can decide whether to forgive you, but you can guide him in the right direction with your actions.
 

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Your husband will have to learn to trust you again. He'll need to talk to his therapist, about whether he actually wants to do this. You did the right thing by immediately telling him everything, and then taking steps to end all contact with this other person.

Then you must ask yourself, what were you looking for when you got 'cyber' involved with this man?

Stop beating yourself up about being to blame for the breakup of your marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work, and two to break it up. Something was already seriously lacking in your relationship for this to happen, and it is just a symptom of the marriage failure, not the cause. This is what you both must find out.

It's going to be a long hard road, and you will both have to make a huge effort. I hope it works out. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Here is her update my comments will follow on the next post, can an admin pm her on how to get her posts up? I am not sure if there is a problem or not.

An Update: We go to our first counseling session on Friday. I picked a male counselor to make my husband feel more comfortable and at ease.

Right now, we are talking daily trying to work our way toward forgiveness. Some days are better than others. Like yesterday, we both got off the phone and felt really good about everything. But, today when we talked, it seemed as if everything changed- he seemed very angry and demanded to know things- like the reason why I did it, which I am still unsure of myself.

I know that I liked the nice things that the guy said, but why? Why was that so important to me? Why did it make me feel so good? There just words, and the guy didn't even know me. All this still doesn't answer why I let it become sexual in content- Im not a sexual driven person- I don't need sex to survive... it's not so important to me that I should not have even considered my husband's feelings.. but that's what I felt like I did.. like I didn't even think anything through- like I completely ignored the fact that I had a husband much less loved him. My husband seems to think that I allowed it to happen b/c I didn't love him- but I really don't think that's it at all... I've been with my husband a long time and I love and care for him a great deal. If I didn't, I dont think I would be willing to stick this out...

When we go to counseling, what are they going to get us to do? Are they going to start blaming my husband for what I did?

You can post this if u'd like... I can't figure out how to do it... so completely forum illiterate...

Thanks again for all your help. I really appreciate it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think Stav was ahead of the curve here. It seems like something or more then one thing was lacking in your relationship. Maybe attraction or that feeling of getting attention. On your side you lacked the ability to communicate this need to your husband so when someone filled the void you fit right in and just accepted it.

In the end when you search your own soul you will find the answer and know better then us. It could have been simply tempation, a lack of feeling wanted, A cry for help, the thrill that you might get caught ect. It may take a bit of looking into yourself but I am sure you will find your own answer when you start to ask what was missing and why didn't I communicate that to my husband.

draconis
 
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