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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited by Moderator)
I found out 2 months ago about my wife’s affair.
My wife and I have been married for just two years. We have a 21 month old together and we spent the first year and a half of our marriage fighting for our lives. I didn’t realize that she had extreme postpartum depression until I was in way over my head.

She became suicidal and wouldn’t be convinced to let me take her to the doctor to get help. Eventually, it got so bad that she had no choice but to get help.

In December of 2020, she started medication and therapy and kicked some serious tail. I’m still so proud of her and the progress she’s made. Two months ago I found out she was on a dating app. I confronted her by telling her that I know and I just want her to explain and help me understand what has happened.

She came clean to an extent. (Lied about some details)but told me about a completely different secret. She had been sleeping with an ex BF who lives in our neighborhood on nights where I worked late. ( I was a full time musician that did well for myself before she had out son. She wasn’t able to work due to the depression so I got 3 jobs and gigs on the weekend to take care of us.

Least I could do but I had to stop playing as much) the affair went on for months. Or a year, she couldn’t even give me a timeline. I found out later she started talking to him in at least May of 2020 out of spite through digging on my own. For her to offer such little information on something I’d think you could at least be able to ball park left me without clear understanding of what transpired.

She’s trying hard to make it work but there is no trust now and the horror over the past year (which is not her fault) left me super messed up. During depression, she’d just scream and swing at me and say to me things no person has ever dared say. I lost my wife. I’ve had a problem from the start trusting her because I never knew what was going to happen. I walked on pins and needles for so long that survival mode was home. I’ve been in therapy and gained back my confidence and my ability to stand up for myself right in time to find this out.

My first reaction is to make it work. I love her and I know she loves me. But she still has a problem being honest. And when I ask her things to challenge my distrust and suspicion, she gets defensive and immediately is no help to me. I tell her that I need her help, she apologizes and the whole thing repeats. How do I get her to understand that I need the painful truth. The Truth that’s hard to admit and hard to hear. There are little things that she will give me as an answer that just don’t add up and then gets mad if I question her answer.

It’s like she’s trying to pretend like nothing happened or it’s in the past and shouldn’t matter anymore. She has searched for lesbian bars and clubs (she’s bi) which is fine but when I asked her about it she said she was googling it for a friend so her and her bf could have a threesome…….come on…..they have google. There’s tinder, a ton of dating apps specifically designed for that. Why would they need your help?! I questioned it and she gets mad.

I don’t know what to do. I love her but this is toxic for us both. Part of me just wants to be a good dad and part ways due to mountain that I would be climbing to sort through all of this. Especially if she isn’t willing to do more than say she will help. I want her to be honest with herself so maybe I can finally understand what’s going on but I still feel like I’m on the outside while she’s begging me to stay and make this work. S.O.S
 

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First thing you do is dna the baby. Then see a lawyer and divorce the lying cheating ** that you were unfortunate enough to marry.
You are only a paycheque to her and I don’t take any pleasure in telling you this.
 

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The word that stands out is "toxic".

So you bust your a$$ taking on three jobs to provide for your family and she pulls this BS.

You can't fix this and she's broken in so many ways that even if she was on board to get help it would take years to fix her.

In the meantime you have a young son who needs a safe and dependable parent. My first step would be to go see an attorney to see what a divorce would like for you (legally + financially).

If your wife can't at least be honest with you there's NO trust and without trust there's no foundation of a relationship and thus this marriage of yours is doomed (if it's not already).
 

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Your wife has mental issues. It sounds like borderline personality disorder, but I'm not a mental health professional. What you have now is a preview to the rest of your life with her, if you decide to try to make it work. And, what is it that you "love" about a woman who treats you the way she does? A lot of people confuse love with habit. Give it some thought.
 

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Your wife is giving you absolutely nothing to work with. She's dishonest, unrepentant, and lacks basic empathy. It's time to file for divorce. Maybe this will wake her up. But honestly, as others have alluded to, it's difficult to imagine that she'll ever be able to overcome her underlying mental health issues.

Just to confirm, you've never had some kind of "open relationship" arrangement in the past, right? Have you ever cheated yourself?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Your wife is giving you absolutely nothing to work with. She's dishonest, unrepentant, and lacks basic empathy. It's time to file for divorce. Maybe this will wake her up. But honestly, as others have alluded to, it's difficult to imagine that she'll ever be able to overcome her underlying mental health issues.

Just to confirm, you've never had some kind of "open relationship" arrangement in the past, right? Have you ever cheated yourself?
We have never. It was a monogamous marriage. And no, I’ve never cheated on her. I’m in no way perfect though. I had a platonic friendship with someone I dated when i was in my teens/early 20’s that I was open and honest about early in our dating life and into our marriage. She was completely fine and understood. But when she got pregnant, she started to have insecurities about it mixed with trust issues from the past and demanded, I stop all contact. I did but when we had our son, the friend wrote us congratulating us and I replied. This was me going back on my word. I told her the second I responded but it was still wrong of me to agree to do what she asked and then go back on my word no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with her demands in the first place. I’ve talked to an attorney when I first found out. I told her I wanted a divorce and after a few days of being mad at me, she begged me to give her another chance. Another chance has been given but I think you’re right. There isn’t much empathy on her part.
 

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How do I get her to understand that I need the painful truth.
How do we make you understand the painful truth: The truth that tells you that you have been nothing but a weak man that has been taking second burner to a woman that you've only been married to for a couple of years and the result is that she's been shagging another dude, at the time where you two should be in honeymoon phase. Dude, you need to DNA that kid like yesterday. You really don't know if the kid is yours for certain. I don't know your age but you come across as one of today's men under 40 that really have not learn/were not taught to have self respect and dignity, and confused with being a man in today's world. It doesn't really matter what societal pressures as a man you've been taught but reacting like a weak man trying everything to keep the relationship going and trying to get her to tell you the true is not a sign of a strong leading man. It shouldn't matter the who, why, when, where, it should only matter to you that she did. That's more than sufficient reason for a man that has character, self respect, and dignity to end the marriage.

You can and always be a co-parent (if that child is yours). Better for the child to have two happy homes than a miserable one because, I can't for the life of me understand why are you keeping yourself in this mess of a marriage and with this broken unfaithful woman. Are you so low in self worth that you think she's the best that you can do?

My first reaction is to make it work. I love her and I know she loves me
Dude, what love has to do with anything in your situation? love is an emotion, just one part of the whole equation of marriage. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that is alright for you to bend over and take it like a wuss. Moreover, you say she loves you, Noooo, she doesn't. She might love you, have some feelings for you, but she's not in love with you. If she were, she wouldn't ever think of being with another man. This is what you need to understand. Do not excuse her behavior to mental illness, plenty of people suffer from mental illness and don't go on ****ing other people as an excuse, yet here you are with trying to make work. Don't you understand that as time pass by, she'll just get worse? think of this. Do you want the life of an accommodating beta male that would do whatever it takes to be at the whim of a woman that do not has your best interest at hand?

YOUR LIFE, your decision to live it as you choose. One with dignity and self respect, the other a miserable life where there's not respect, not trust, a constant struggle to make it work, not knowing if that child is yours for real. CHOOSE. My advice to you: file for divorce already. You'll be thankful you did some day. Do you have the courage, the balls, the dignity to do it?
 

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We have never. It was a monogamous marriage. And no, I’ve never cheated on her. I’m in no way perfect though. I had a platonic friendship with someone I dated when i was in my teens/early 20’s that I was open and honest about early in our dating life and into our marriage. She was completely fine and understood. But when she got pregnant, she started to have insecurities about it mixed with trust issues from the past and demanded, I stop all contact. I did but when we had our son, the friend wrote us congratulating us and I replied. This was me going back on my word. I told her the second I responded but it was still wrong of me to agree to do what she asked and then go back on my word no matter whether I agreed or disagreed with her demands in the first place. I’ve talked to an attorney when I first found out. I told her I wanted a divorce and after a few days of being mad at me, she begged me to give her another chance. Another chance has been given but I think you’re right. There isn’t much empathy on her part.
Her insecurities were based on what she was doing behind your back. It sucks that you're going through this. I know some of the advice seems harsh but when you're in deep it's hard to see things clear. She's using you. This won't get any better. Eventually her poor decision making will drag you down even further.

As far as your son, I'm sure you love him but you need to get the dna test ASAP, there is a legal time limit and at the very least you need to know the truth.

Best of luck.
 

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You are a chump because you are allowing it. Cheaters always lie a lot. The rest is excuses on your part to try and justify accepting the unacceptable. DNA the child and get out.
 

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You have been taken against your knowing will.
Taken and near drowned by her madness, her extreme disloyalty.

Surface, take a breath of air, take a long, long breather away from her.

Work on getting divorced, make her someone else's problem.
You have my permission.


Nemesis-
 

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How do we make you understand the painful truth: The truth that tells you that you have been nothing but a weak man that has been taking second burner to a woman that you've only been married to for a couple of years and the result is that she's been shagging another dude, at the time where you two should be in honeymoon phase. Dude, you need to DNA that kid like yesterday. You really don't know if the kid is yours for certain. I don't know your age but you come across as one of today's men under 40 that really have not learn/were not taught to have self respect and dignity, and confused with being a man in today's world. It doesn't really matter what societal pressures as a man you've been taught but reacting like a weak man trying everything to keep the relationship going and trying to get her to tell you the true is not a sign of a strong leading man. It shouldn't matter the who, why, when, where, it should only matter to you that she did. That's more than sufficient reason for a man that has character, self respect, and dignity to end the marriage.

You can and always be a co-parent (if that child is yours). Better for the child to have two happy homes than a miserable one because, I can't for the life of me understand why are you keeping yourself in this mess of a marriage and with this broken unfaithful woman. Are you so low in self worth that you think she's the best that you can do?



Dude, what love has to do with anything in your situation? love is an emotion, just one part of the whole equation of marriage. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that is alright for you to bend over and take it like a wuss. Moreover, you say she loves you, Noooo, she doesn't. She might love you, have some feelings for you, but she's not in love with you. If she were, she wouldn't ever think of being with another man. This is what you need to understand. Do not excuse her behavior to mental illness, plenty of people suffer from mental illness and don't go on ****ing other people as an excuse, yet here you are with trying to make work. Don't you understand that as time pass by, she'll just get worse? think of this. Do you want the life of an accommodating beta male that would do whatever it takes to be at the whim of a woman that do not has your best interest at hand?

YOUR LIFE, your decision to live it as you choose. One with dignity and self respect, the other a miserable life where there's not respect, not trust, a constant struggle to make it work, not knowing if that child is yours for real. CHOOSE. My advice to you: file for divorce already. You'll be thankful you did some day. Do you have the courage, the balls, the dignity to do it?
I get it. And I understand what you’re saying. Before this, I had all of the things that make a man. It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that ****ed me up. That’s when I started to question things. She wasn’t in control and I became whatever was needed, neglecting myself. I told myself it was only for a little while. But it became something where I had to choose between myself and her. It’s by far the easiest thing to get a divorce and simplify life just being a single dad. I do well single. The kid is mine…I know for sure. DNA tests were done due to health reasons with my son.

That’s not from her, that’s from the doctor. It doesn’t make it manly for me to bail when **** gets hard anymore than it justifies her affair when things get difficult. I’m not opposed to divorce. I’m simply asking for a non bias opinion. An opinion other than my own. Like I said, divorce would be an easier route. It takes more courage to not automatically give up. But maybe throwing in the towel is the right answer. I appreciate your input
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Her insecurities were based on what she was doing behind your back. It sucks that you're going through this. I know some of the advice seems harsh but when you're in deep it's hard to see things clear. She's using you. This won't get any better. Eventually her poor decision making will drag you down even further.

As far as your son, I'm sure you love him but you need to get the dna test ASAP, there is a legal time limit and at the very least you need to know the truth.

Best of luck.
Thanks man, I’m asking for the harsh input. I rely on it for distinguishing the truth from bullsh&t. Appreciate it
 

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I get it. And I understand what you’re saying. Before this, I had all of the things that make a man. It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that f$cked me up. That’s when I started to question things. She wasn’t in control and I became whatever was needed, neglecting myself. I told myself it was only for a little while. But it became something where I had to choose between myself and her. It’s by far the easiest thing to get a divorce and simplify life just being a single dad. I do well single. The kid is mine…I know for sure. DNA tests were done due to health reasons with my son.That’s not from her, that’s from the doctor. It doesn’t make it manly for me to bail when [email protected] gets hard anymore than it justifies her affair when things get difficult. I’m not opposed to divorce. I’m simply asking for a non bias opinion. An opinion other than my own. Like I said, divorce would be an easier route. It takes more courage to not automatically give up. But maybe throwing in the towel is the right answer. I appreciate your input
How old are the two of you?
 

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It was having to stop her from Committing suicide that ****ed me up.
This. This is the main reason why so many people chain themselves in a hopeless relationship which the outcome invariable is a life of misery tied to the situation out of guilt and what if I left, would she do it?

I don't want to sound cold and without empathy, but the sad reality is that you can't control the actions of a person suffering from mental imbalances. If that person wants to off herself/himself they will do it whether you're there or not. In many cases is nothing but a way to keep the partner stucked with them.

You shouldn't fall for this. This is nothing but emotional terrorism. You need to actually be looking not just for you but for your child's best outcome from a growing up point of view. Is your child being exposed to her histrionics, if so, then you need to take a professional assessment to comprehend if you need to take your child away from her and give him a better environment to live.

You cannot allow her to keep you prisoner of her blackmailing treats. Document everything. You eventually will need all forms of documentation in the eventuality that she gets mentally worse as time passes. Chances are that she will, so don't built too much hopes.

If you leave, and she follows through her suicide threats, you must be mentally prepared to understand that is not your fault, nor it could ever be your fault in any way or shape. That's all on her, period. But you cannot be tied to a cheating, mentally unstable individual that is showing her lack of empathy for you, and what has she done to the marriage. Strength to you my friend. Do not let fear guide your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
This. This is the main reason why so many people chain themselves in a hopeless relationship which the outcome invariable is a life of misery tied to the situation out of guilt and what if I left, would she do it?

I don't want to sound cold and without empathy, but the sad reality is that you can't control the actions of a person suffering from mental imbalances. If that person wants to off herself/himself they will do it whether you're there or not. In many cases is nothing but a way to keep the partner stucked with them.

You shouldn't fall for this. This is nothing but emotional terrorism. You need to actually be looking not just for you but for your child's best outcome from a growing up point of view. Is your child being exposed to her histrionics, if so, then you need to take a professional assessment to comprehend if you need to take your child away from her and give him a better environment to live.

You cannot allow her to keep you prisoner of her blackmailing treats. Document everything. You eventually will need all forms of documentation in the eventuality that she gets mentally worse as time passes. Chances are that she will, so don't built too much hopes.

If you leave, and she follows through her suicide threats, you must be mentally prepared to understand that is not your fault, nor it could ever be your fault in any way or shape. That's all on her, period. But you cannot be tied to a cheating, mentally unstable individual that is showing her lack of empathy for you, and what has she done to the marriage. Strength to you my friend. Do not let fear guide your life.
this. This is exactly what I needed to hear, how I needed to hear it. Thank you, seriously.
 

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we are both 32
So you’ve got a 32-year-old wife and mother displaying all these behaviors — do you think she’s at all possessed of the tools she’d need to reconcile your marriage in a meaningful way?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You are a chump because you are allowing it. Cheaters always lie a lot. The rest is excuses on your part to try and justify accepting the unacceptable. DNA the child and get out.
I get what you’re saying. Delivery could use some work. nice car.
 
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