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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello, I have been reading the forums here for about the past week. I have been married on paper to my wife for just short of 2 years, we have been together for 11. Im 29 she is 28 We have 3 children, 4,7 and 11. My wife had an affair last saturday. I found this out because monday morning she told me she doesnt think she loves me anymore.

The thursday befor we went out and had a few drinks, did karaoke we had a great time. While at the bar she introduced me to some of her co-workers and some regulars, they all seemed nice. The DJ is a much older man, around 50. When she introduced us, he told me "I was sure lucky to have her." I smiled and said "dont I know it." She told me how much she loved me on our way home.

Friday she asked the DJ on facebook if he noticed if I smiled or not when he asked me, cause she was looking the other way. He said "I think so, but I think he thought it was funny."

She works at a local sports bar here, for the last 3 months. She did not come home untill 4:56 saturday morning. It had also just had a snow storm here. When I asked her what happened she said "they did not get out of the bar till 3, and the roads were slick then she had a drink with her GF she gives a ride home to."
Which I had no problem with, because thats is equal to me stopping after work and having a beer. Regardless I asked her "next time call cause I was worried with the roads."

Sunday night I went to her bar for a beer and to watch the football games, she was acting like I would exspect her to act at work, busy being a waitress. She told me they were going to the bar near our home, on sundays they have laddies night. This was a knew thing to me, I did not know she had a ladies night. But I gave it no thought really.

Sunday night when we got home and went to bed, she seemed mad at me and moved away from me in our bed. I asked her if everything was ok, she said now is not the time.

Monday morning when we woke up, I thought maybe she was just mad at me for being at ladies night. I asked her to talk to me about it, and I asked if something was wrong. She said yes, and I asked with us? And she said "I dont think I love you anymore" I was floored. I asked why, and whats going on. She said she did not know, it was just me. I asked what she meant, she said she does not know. She said its as if she has been falling out of love with me for the last few months.

At this point I had no idea about the affair, so I honestly thought we had marital issues, and she had just been suffering trying to fix them without telling me about them. I made breakfast, and she showered, I went to our bedroom and her phone was on the bed. I looked in her phone trying to find any clues as to what was going on. She had a message sent to someone named Jon. It read "I left my shirt at your house" he replied "your so damned sexy". I was lost. She had to work that night, and said she just needed some space and was going to go stay at a GFs house for a few drinks and she would be home late. She sent me a text message at 3:04 in the morning telling me "still hanging out, going to be late." she did not come home untill 10:35 tuesday morning.

Tuesday she gets home with my truck, cause our car had the window broken out monday morning, just after 2 in the morning and befor 4. I had been trying to call her and send text messages, but she did not answer. I thought maybe her phone died. Yeah.

When she walked in, she immediately said "Im sorry, I passed out on the couch, and my phone was in the kitchen" and kissed me. She said she needed a nap and tossed some laundry into the hamper, I was loading the washer befor she got home. I grabbed what she had thrown, and it was a light jacket and two shirts. I walked into the bedroom and asked if she had an affair, she said yes. I asked when and she said 1 month ago. And she did not feel bad about it. At this point, I was numb and told her we can work through this. I was still dealing with I dont love you anymore and thought oh god its just guilt from this affair. I asked her if she would work on this with me, and try counseling. She agreed.

I checked our phone bill, I had this Jon guys number and seen all the texts and calls he and she had had since the 11th of this month. All of them late at night, and after she was off work. But they had ended the 14th, So I knew it was ongoing.

For 4 days they did not text or call. I thought maybe she was realizing what was at stake. She had been coming home after work and everything. Thursday we had sex, and I know it was just sex, but I felt better. I think it was mostly due to the sleep deprivation. But she was talking and joking with me. I went grocery shopping, and had to deal with the kids school counseler, I also let him know what was going on, and asked how to handle this with our girls incase this cant be worked out.

At this point I had been reading these forums, and had been learning alot. About cheaters fog, the 180. I got home from my errands, she was leaving for work, kissed me and hugged me and said she may have a drink after work, but she is pretty tired. When she left I looked at the phone logs, she texted him the moment I walked out the door. I was disgusted.

So I went after undisputable evidence to confront her. I went to the bar near our home, seen my truck was a text saying I was going to the bar for a beer, and ask if she wanted to stop by when ever she got off to have 1. She said no. I waited 5 minutes and walked in. I walked to the bar and ordered a beer, and seen her putting on her coat and heading to the door.

I confronted her, now I know I lied to her, but I said whats going on? and she barked at me I was already here. I said so you send me no? and she walked outside. I called the guys number, cause I thought he would be in the bar. He answered but was not in the bar. I went outside to her and she yelled at me I said I would give her space, and this is the **** thats going to end this. That she could say so many mean things right now, if she was a cold hearted *****.

I said what do you possibly think you could say to me that would hurt me anymore right now? you told me you had an affair a month ago. She said yes, it happened 2 times, it was just a fling with a guy from out of town. Then she said Im just here with the girls from work, which she was. And she told me she just needed space from me right now, cause she is feeling suffocated. I left.

Later she texted him and called him at 3:47 in the morning. I went to work that day and when I came home she unloaded on me about being in her contacts list. She took my phone from the counter and started looking in it for his number, which I had not saved.

I calmly questioned her about the number, She said his name is Jon, he is just a friend. she said why. I said cause you call it alot late and get texts late. She said I work late, and I have alot of friends. So I put the evidence I had into effect, she would not stay still and talk to me about it as I pointed out times, dates etc. And was acting sarcastic, smiling while yelling at me.

I got the impression as if she was in a corner. And when I said I read the texts from you and him, and then I found the shirt, you texted him right after I left yesterday, after we had sex. She said she wanted a divorce. I asked her if she was having an affair with him, she said no, we did have sex. I told her just stop lying to me, its pointless, we both know thats where you were last night, you called him at 3:57.

She admited it, and cried. I told her I did not deserve this, she said she was so sorry for hurting me. This is the first remorse I had seen in her over it. I told her she needed to leave, we have no chance with a 3rd person. I said you need to end this affair, or get out of my house, cause you are poisoning me. I wont let you keep that in my life. She said she would end it.




Im sorry for the length of this, I needed to get it all out. Now for what I really would like some insight on.

After she told me she would end it, I asked her where she was going to stay. She said I dont know, I asked her how much money she had. She said whatever is under the counter, it is about $134.00 I wanted separation at this point.

I took about 30 minutes and came and told her, I was not lieing when I told you I care about you, and I love you. I love you right now even. I wont throw you out with nothing. But I will not stand for the affair. If you dont end it, I wont have any choice left but to remove you from my life.

She has been acting a world differant, but I understand she is an actress right now. She came home right from work last night, we will see tonight. She has not texted or called the number.

I know its really really soon, but she is acting differant .. remorseful. In fact, she just sent ME a text telling me how crazy it was at work atm. Thanks in advance everyone, this has been the most painful thing I have ever known.
 

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Who is the other man? How did she meet him? Does she work with him? Is he a customer? Does she see him at work? After work? What are her work hours and what are yours?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
He is 10 years older than me, I know his name, I know what he looks like. No they do not work together. She works nights, I work days. I do not know how they met yet.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you. As I said I had not known she was ahving GNO's untill I happened to not have to work the following monday, and stayed late at her work watching the football games.
 

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So, where do you stand now? Is your wife still living at home with you? Does she want to reconcile and work on the marriage? Has she ended it with the other man?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I honestly did not see the harm in letting her hang out with her GF's after work for a drink or 2 every sunday.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
She lives at home still yes, this all came out over the last 5-7 days. She said she will end it. She said she does want to try.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hard to explain, she just seemed really remorseful when she finally confessed to the affair. I guess I dont really believe her now, but I dont see the positive in not trying to believe her. I will remove her from my life if she has not ended it.
 

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You were lucky to catch her this time, what if she hides it better the next(and you know she will). What will you do then? Wonder days and night if she's cheating or not? Are you able to live like that, is that the kind of marriage you want to have?
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You don't have to answer those questions to me.

Just ask them to yourself and decide what to do accordingly.
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If you have been reading here then you should know that exposure,and any blow back to the OM you can give are your best tools to end the affair.

Your wife is not going yo end it on her own. She's going to get a burner phone, and she is going to try to find a way to keep having sex with him.

To stop that you need to blow the affair out of the water through exposure to friends and family.

Find out if the OM has a gf or wife. Exposure to her is a must.

I strongly suggest you put a gps tracker on your truck and her car. Also a voice activated recorder in her car.

She needs to be 100% transparent because it will help letting her slip him in under the guise of privacy.

Find where he lives do you can drive past to see if she s there.

And girls nights out are gone forever.

If she breaks no contact your next immediate step should be to get on the phone to family snd friends and tell them about the affair and name the OM.
 

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She lives at home still yes, this all came out over the last 5-7 days. She said she will end it. She said she does want to try.
Will end it is not the same as it has ended,

Don't give her a chance to end it, instead tell her it is over as of that moment and any contact will mean divorce.

Also as I said, you need yo go after the OM. Post him on cheaterville.com and send him the link.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Im more inclined to feel this was a ILYBINILWY. And I do not know to what extent I am at fault in our marriage for putting her in the position to even consider, let alone act on an affair. I dont know that she would ever do it again, speaking from my self I had cheated on her about 9 years ago, and I have NEVER thought about doing it to her again. But when I did, I felt the same way. I told her I did not think I loved her anymore. But I knew differant when I was not with the OW, I knew it was just sex.

So I guess I would need 100% evidence from her that she ended the affair befor I can really answer that Keko.
 

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She won't give you the 100%, just enough to make satisfied.

I suggest you check up on her as Shaggy suggested via voice recorder in her car and either GPS tracker or you actually following her when she goes out.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I had followed her that 1 night, and I still feel like crap for it. I guess since I have a week off for the holiday I can. But its hard to cause we have 3 kids I cant leave here at night.
 

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Serious exposure is a scary step to take. It is also very effective.

Have you read doccool .com? I'm guessing your wife is surrounded at work at the bar with cheaters and players. So she will be having advice on how to hide the affair after playing it cool for a bit.
 
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