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This comes down to two.people who can't take responsibility. She is probably cheating and justifying it, blameshifting. You are definitely not taking ownership of your drinking. No one can MAKE you drink or MAKE you an alcoholic, just like no one can MAKE her cheat.
Keep reading, he has owned his faults and his drinking. He just wrote out why he climbed into a bottle. Giving reasons is not the same as “Making.”
 

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This comes down to two.people who can't take responsibility. She is probably cheating and justifying it, blameshifting. You are definitely not taking ownership of your drinking. No one can MAKE you drink or MAKE you an alcoholic, just like no one can MAKE her cheat.
Keep reading, he has owned his faults and his drinking. He just wrote out why he climbed into a bottle. Giving reasons is not the same as “Making.”
So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"
 

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So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"


I agree. He drank because he was weak and he chose poorly. She cheated because she was weak and she chose poorly. We do things because we choose to do them, not because someone did something...

There are fundamentally differences with how people apologize and take responsibility.
 

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So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"


I agree. He drank because he was weak and he chose poorly. She cheated because she was weak and she chose poorly. We do things because we choose to do them, not because someone did something...

There are fundamentally differences with how people apologize and take responsibility.
Yes and no. Figuring out and sharing what your headspace was when you made poor choices is not necessarily making excuses. It is a first step in figuring out your own faulty thinking and how to have healthier reactions in the future. It is only an excuse if that is where it stops. It seems the OP is examining his choice to drink beyond blaming it on his wife.
 

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So cheating because you're being denied sex is a reason too, right? Why you "climbed into a bed?"
Yes, it is a reason or an excuse. The fight you are trying to make doesn't exist.

You said he didn’t accept responsibility and he did.
You said he didn’t take ownership and he did.
You said no one can make you do anything and he said the drinking was his choice.

So, we read his post differently which is fine.

It works if you use your post above as well. It is a reason, excuse or a precursor to marriage problems. No one makes you do anything it is a choice, unless there is coercion involved or force.
 

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I'm nor better. Not even a little bit. That's the point.

Several people including the AP have basically said he drinks because of his wife. It's her fault he drinks.

I originally encouraged personal responsibility. Then someone wrote a couple of novels implying we have no free will. I disagreed.

I think the OP will benefit from understanding what he CAN control- his drinking, and what he cannot - his wife's bad behavior.

Or do you also believe his drinking is her fault? Or that her bad behavior is his fault? If so, how does that help the OP solve his problem?
He didn’t imply it was his wife’s fault he drinks at all - that is how YOU read it because of your own biases. He shared what stressors caused him to poorly choose to drink to feel “better” and then stopped his drinking. Even after he stated that you were harping on him blaming his wife before anyone else jumped in with studies about addiction being hereditary...seemed pretty clear to everyone but you that he took personal responsibility for his drinking. But you felt the need to hammer that home a few more times, basically implying his drinking was much worse than her cheating. Because you have a personal issue with alcohol.

Of course he would benefit from understanding he can control himself and not others. Your posts didn’t convey that - your posts conveyed that he was the villain because he drank.
 

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I just deleted a thread jack discussing studies about why people do what they do. If you want to discuss this, start a new thread. I'll even move your thread jack to the new thread... just PM me to let me know to move them.

However, on this thread, stop the thread jack. Please address the OP in a way that gives him support.

{Speaking as a moderator.}
 

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I am out until the op comes back. Here’s how I read the thread.

Hi thanks for the welcome.

Reasons were my drinking habits and ambition - as in I had none. She was right. Although one problem likely caused the other. The warning signs were there andI buried my head in the sand. Thus the separation.
Hmmm sounds like he is accepting his faults right here.

Since this happened, I've been to a few AA meetings and haven't touched a drop bar a couple of weeks back when I went out with a friend.
Sounds like he is addressing his issues here.

I became so withdrawn and worn down that I just felt numb I didn't care about anything. All of the time. So I started drinking and I enjoyed because because I felt alive.
Sounds like he has identified HIS problem.

My fault was not communicating my concerns and just accepting them. I know that now. I've accepted my blame in this, but I don't think she's ready to accept hers so we can move forward!
This is someone who sees his own foibles and problems. He accepts his blame and is addressing his issues. Yes, I cut out the HISTORY he should give so, we can help him out and give advice.

He is on the right road. There is NOTHING wrong with identifying the issues which caused him to start excessively drinking.

Now, he understands he can’t shutdown and stop communicating.
He understands he shouldn’t bury his head in the sand.
He understands drinking makes things worse.
He understands he has to make better choices.
 

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Now, he understand he can’t shutdown and stop communicating.
He understand he shouldn’t bury his head in the sand.
He understands drinking makes things worse.
He understands he has to make better choices.

And hopefully, @booned understands that none of those things are at fault for her cheating. The cheating is all on her 100%.
 

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Now, he understand he can’t shutdown and stop communicating.
He understand he shouldn’t bury his head in the sand.
He understands drinking makes things worse.
He understands he has to make better choices.

And hopefully, @booned understands that none of those things are at fault for her cheating. The cheating is all on her 100%.
Exactly
Her choice, her responsibility.

Curious....if she posted saying she cheated and she knows it was on her, then listed the OP's drinking, etc. As things that made her vulnerable....

What would the response be?
 

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Exactly
Her choice, her responsibility.

Curious....if she posted saying she cheated and she knows it was on her, then listed the OP's drinking, etc. As things that made her vulnerable....

What would the response be?
The exact same as above. All on her. Get a divorce because he drinks? Fine, but there is NO excuse for infidelity ... period.
 

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Booned

Here is a list of Dos & Don'ts:

1. Do: See a lawyer. Find out the possibilities. At this stage, it may be better to file. It can be called off after she shows you she wants the marriage. The longer you delay this, the longer the pain.

2. Do: Have an STD test performed as soon as possible.

3. Do: Start showing courage, strength, and decisive action. Women are drawn to this. They are not drawn to self-pity.

4. Do: Start practicing the "180" technique as religiously as possible. Here's a link: Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

5. Do: Move back to your house. It is your home too. Stop pouting. A man doesn't pout.

6. Do: Start investigating her actions. If he is married expose to his wife. Expose to the families.

7. Do not: Have sex with her. This would be viewed as forgiveness by a court.

8. Do not: Do the "pick-me dance". It is degrading and makes you look pathetic in her eyes in comparison to "Mr. Wonderful".

9. Do Not: Cry in front of her or show emotion.

10. Do Not: Try to reason with her.
 

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OP- While on the 180....start developing YOU. Not just the navel gazing, but actual finding you. Get a hobby, work out and improve self image. Fall in love with YOU. Then, you will see this other stuff is easier to deal with.


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Separation often means test driving another person to see if they're worthy of losing a marriage over. I've read where the most christian based, I'll never cheat has cheated, so forget history. Having an affair compromises all rational behavior at times, so consider the fact that another person is involved and is the catalyst behind her justification.
 

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Booned, she has another and is gone from the marriage. Go 180 now. We all have flaws and blame is normally 50/50 in any relationship. However it seems
too convenient that you get the talk and she is coy about dating. Most likely a co worker so she doesn’t want work or him nuked in the fallout.
Investigate if you want the truth, or let her gas light you. It is up to you.
 

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You stated you were giving her until the end of March make up her mind. Well we are late in March.

Any updates?
 

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This comes down to two.people who can't take responsibility. She is probably cheating and justifying it, blameshifting. You are definitely not taking ownership of your drinking. No one can MAKE you drink or MAKE you an alcoholic, just like no one can MAKE her cheat.

Actually, that is factually incorrect.

There have been thousands of studies done on both, and they have shown that things such as alcoholism and being a sex addict can be imprinted on our DNA. They are diseases. This means that your genetic make-up can “MAKE” a person be those things.
Childhood trauma also can cause these things because the mind is not fully developed until most are 25-28 years, so incidences of trauma quite often have an impact far past the developmental stage they were incurred in and have life long implications.

Keep trying to be well OP


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