Hello.
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28,524 Posts
Hi, @booned. Welcome to TAM. Sorry you had to look for us, but I'm glad you found us. If that makes any sense? 
What has happened to your marriage to get you both into this situation?
Any infidelity on either side?
Who has moved out?
Have you seen a lawyer to establish your legal rights?
Is counselling on the cards?
What would resolve the situation to your satisfactions and your wife's satisfaction?
What has happened to your marriage to get you both into this situation?
Any infidelity on either side?
Who has moved out?
Have you seen a lawyer to establish your legal rights?
Is counselling on the cards?
What would resolve the situation to your satisfactions and your wife's satisfaction?
Hi thanks for the welcome.
My wife sat me down last month and fed me the old 'i love you but I'm not in love with you' line. She said she wanted a break, and wasn't sure if she even wanted to try and work it out.
Reasons were my drinking habits and ambition - as in I had none. She was right. Although one problem likely caused the other. The warning signs were there and I buried my head in the sand. Thus the separation.
I wasn't full blown typical alcoholic but I was well on my way there. Since this happened, I've been to a few AA meetings and haven't touched a drop bar a couple of weeks back when I went out with a friend.
Initially, I stayed in our house - in separate rooms - and stayed amicable. I respected her need for space. She started blowing hot and cold though. One minute she would be open and it would feel like we would be getting back to normal, then she would just close up. She started playing games like wearing her wedding rings when she was out and taking them off whenever she was around me. I got frustrated with the mixed messages and moved out that week. I go back home every lunchtime whilst she's at work and walk the dog.
I now just try to keep busy with work and taking care of myself, staring at 4 walls at the new place wasnt helping.
In my isolation I started thinking about my drinking and why I did it too much, I've been picking apart our relationship and how it was on life support long before I started drinking.
She's a workaholic. Doesn't get home until 6pm and then spends most her time talking to work colleagues or moaning to me about her day. Any free time we had was spent either apart or with friends and family.
Intimacy dwindled to nothing as did sex. Sex used to be spontaneous and exciting, then it turned into a planned event and had to be scheduled (huge turn off). She would always withdraw from intimacy because she assumed I was trying it on. When we did have sex it was basic starfish stuff. She would be interested in trying new stuff sexually but wouldn't follow though.
She wouldn't offer any encouragement and only pointed out my flaws and failures.
I became so withdrawn and worn down that I just felt numb I didn't care about anything. All of the time. So I started drinking and I enjoyed because I felt alive.
My fault was not communicating my concerns and just accepting them. I know that now. I've accepted my blame in this, but I don't think she's ready to accept hers so we can move forward.
I also have a suspicion that she's seeing someone else. Whilst we were talking about terms of the separation, I mentioned dating other people. She was coy, wouldn't give a straight answer and said 'if your head gets turned then don't dismiss it'. I also found birth control tablets in the bathroom, which she wasn't on whilst we were together.
How do I approach her with this? I want to reconcile, but part of me is now questioning if it's even worth it?
Sorry for the rant!
My wife sat me down last month and fed me the old 'i love you but I'm not in love with you' line. She said she wanted a break, and wasn't sure if she even wanted to try and work it out.
Reasons were my drinking habits and ambition - as in I had none. She was right. Although one problem likely caused the other. The warning signs were there and I buried my head in the sand. Thus the separation.
I wasn't full blown typical alcoholic but I was well on my way there. Since this happened, I've been to a few AA meetings and haven't touched a drop bar a couple of weeks back when I went out with a friend.
Initially, I stayed in our house - in separate rooms - and stayed amicable. I respected her need for space. She started blowing hot and cold though. One minute she would be open and it would feel like we would be getting back to normal, then she would just close up. She started playing games like wearing her wedding rings when she was out and taking them off whenever she was around me. I got frustrated with the mixed messages and moved out that week. I go back home every lunchtime whilst she's at work and walk the dog.
I now just try to keep busy with work and taking care of myself, staring at 4 walls at the new place wasnt helping.
In my isolation I started thinking about my drinking and why I did it too much, I've been picking apart our relationship and how it was on life support long before I started drinking.
She's a workaholic. Doesn't get home until 6pm and then spends most her time talking to work colleagues or moaning to me about her day. Any free time we had was spent either apart or with friends and family.
Intimacy dwindled to nothing as did sex. Sex used to be spontaneous and exciting, then it turned into a planned event and had to be scheduled (huge turn off). She would always withdraw from intimacy because she assumed I was trying it on. When we did have sex it was basic starfish stuff. She would be interested in trying new stuff sexually but wouldn't follow though.
She wouldn't offer any encouragement and only pointed out my flaws and failures.
I became so withdrawn and worn down that I just felt numb I didn't care about anything. All of the time. So I started drinking and I enjoyed because I felt alive.
My fault was not communicating my concerns and just accepting them. I know that now. I've accepted my blame in this, but I don't think she's ready to accept hers so we can move forward.
I also have a suspicion that she's seeing someone else. Whilst we were talking about terms of the separation, I mentioned dating other people. She was coy, wouldn't give a straight answer and said 'if your head gets turned then don't dismiss it'. I also found birth control tablets in the bathroom, which she wasn't on whilst we were together.
How do I approach her with this? I want to reconcile, but part of me is now questioning if it's even worth it?
Sorry for the rant!
Joined
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28,524 Posts
@booned not a rant, mate. Just your honest feelings expressed amongst friends.
Your drinking was not a cause of the problems, however it was a symptom.
It seems that your wife was cutting you out of her life, so you replaced her with alcohol. You might just as easily have taken up a hobby, instead, like fishing, etc.
I am not one to immediately shout: "Oh! Your husband/wife is cheating on you" but I feel it would be remiss of me not to warn you that it's possible your wife has been cheating on you, either emotionally or physically. It's possible that a lover has pressured her into becoming exclusive with them, or she just wants to play the field.
I would suggest marital counselling, is that an option?
Also, seek free initial consultations with the best divorce lawyers in your town to at least find out what your options are.
Might be worth getting checked for STDs, just in case.
Your drinking was not a cause of the problems, however it was a symptom.
It seems that your wife was cutting you out of her life, so you replaced her with alcohol. You might just as easily have taken up a hobby, instead, like fishing, etc.
I am not one to immediately shout: "Oh! Your husband/wife is cheating on you" but I feel it would be remiss of me not to warn you that it's possible your wife has been cheating on you, either emotionally or physically. It's possible that a lover has pressured her into becoming exclusive with them, or she just wants to play the field.
I would suggest marital counselling, is that an option?
Also, seek free initial consultations with the best divorce lawyers in your town to at least find out what your options are.
Might be worth getting checked for STDs, just in case.
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11,721 Posts
Look, brother...
You got the ILYBINILWY speech...
She wants space...
She spends much time out of the house...
You can damn near bank on her having a boyfriend.
All of that said, it doesn't sound like she was a stellar partner prior to this. On top of being a questionable partner, now it appears she is also low character.
I'm not suggesting you were a stellar partner, either. It sounds like you're beginning to recognize the ways that you were deficient. But if she does have a boyfriend, your deficiencies as a partner in no way justifies her actions.
What are you actually trying to save?
Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
You got the ILYBINILWY speech...
She wants space...
She spends much time out of the house...
You can damn near bank on her having a boyfriend.
All of that said, it doesn't sound like she was a stellar partner prior to this. On top of being a questionable partner, now it appears she is also low character.
I'm not suggesting you were a stellar partner, either. It sounds like you're beginning to recognize the ways that you were deficient. But if she does have a boyfriend, your deficiencies as a partner in no way justifies her actions.
What are you actually trying to save?
Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
Not much to approach, she's already given you the ILYBNILWY speech, and is on birth control , and told you to look around to find a woman who wants you.
She's checked out!!!!
Nothing you going to be able to do to make her want you.
Go and get a lawyer, and clean up this mess.
She's checked out!!!!
Nothing you going to be able to do to make her want you.
Go and get a lawyer, and clean up this mess.
Joined
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16,635 Posts
"Trial Separation," ILYBINILWY, and "Go find another woman for sex," @booned ~ are all too often code phrases for the possibility of marital cheating!
Can you safely rule out this possibility?
Please procure a lawyer to protect your rights, and if you can, start researching her social media. You may well end up being totally surprised, exactly like I was!
Can you safely rule out this possibility?
Please procure a lawyer to protect your rights, and if you can, start researching her social media. You may well end up being totally surprised, exactly like I was!
I dont know what I'm trying to save, or if I want to anymore. Part of me wants to just dump all my thoughts onto her and see how she deals with it, making a decision based on her reaction.
There isnt much point in councelling if she doesnt know if she wants to reconcile or not. And I agree, I'm reluctant to shout cheater without solid proof. Especially considering how anti-cheating she has always been.@booned not a rant, mate. Just your honest feelings expressed amongst friends.
Your drinking was not a cause of the problems, however it was a symptom.
It seems that your wife was cutting you out of her life, so you replaced her with alcohol. You might just as easily have taken up a hobby, instead, like fishing, etc.
I am not one to immediately shout: "Oh! Your husband/wife is cheating on you" but I feel it would be remiss of me not to warn you that it's possible your wife has been cheating on you, either emotionally or physically. It's possible that a lover has pressured her into becoming exclusive with them, or she just wants to play the field.
I would suggest marital counselling, is that an option?
Also, seek free initial consultations with the best divorce lawyers in your town to at least find out what your options are.
Might be worth getting checked for STDs, just in case.
The STI thing is worth checking though, although we havent been intimate since October last year. Thanks.
Im 50 / 50 on the whole thing. Part of me knows how anti-cheating she is, but the other part questions why she would say and do these things knowing that? I dont want to be all clandestine and start stalking her social media and reading her messages (I do know the passwords providing she hasnt changed them).
I've given her until the end of March to decide what she wants (if I still want the same thing at that point), then we will move towards divorce. I'm reluctant to rush into anything without 100% knowing, and she is a sensible woman and wont try to screw me over like that.
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16,635 Posts
You know determination but , it not the same as foolishness believing in some lie a cheater will tell you. But regardless of the view she once held about affairs. It's now changed. Do not believe us here but the words of you own wife. If she needs to draw you a picture ask her, I'm sure she would do that for you.
Your hanging on to a memory that, no longer exists. All you need to do is accept it. If you don't you'll be the joke with your family and friends.
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6,253 Posts
It all adds up to your W has a boyfriend. Start digging.
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601 Posts
Long thread and I haven't read very post. However, there's a key issue here that sabotages any chance at R.
If you're serious about R, you need to confront her as to whether there's another man that she has feelings for.
For purposes of my comment, all you need for her to confirm is that it's an EA.
She may not be reluctant to admit to an EA. If there's another man, ask if he's married w/kids.
Why? If she's seeing someone else (EA or PA), then any attempt to R is sabotaged.
Because marriage and the challenges of living with you (or anyone) day to day is very different than dating the OM.
She'll compare you to the OM (and even if you were perfect, and nobody is) ... no spouse (husband or wife) can compete with the care feel romance of dating.
Finally, FYI if the OM is a coworker, then R will require 100% NC (which will probably require her to change jobs). Why? because every time she sees him (even passing by on the sidewalk) her feelings re-ignite.
If you're serious about R, you need to confront her as to whether there's another man that she has feelings for.
For purposes of my comment, all you need for her to confirm is that it's an EA.
She may not be reluctant to admit to an EA. If there's another man, ask if he's married w/kids.
Why? If she's seeing someone else (EA or PA), then any attempt to R is sabotaged.
Because marriage and the challenges of living with you (or anyone) day to day is very different than dating the OM.
She'll compare you to the OM (and even if you were perfect, and nobody is) ... no spouse (husband or wife) can compete with the care feel romance of dating.
Finally, FYI if the OM is a coworker, then R will require 100% NC (which will probably require her to change jobs). Why? because every time she sees him (even passing by on the sidewalk) her feelings re-ignite.
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3,892 Posts
I don't know, I'm reading here that she was such a ****ty wife you started drinking so much you thought you were an alcoholic, but as soon as you moved out you mostly quit drinking except one time socially. Why do you want to keep her? Is she a good mother to your kids?
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