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Discussion Starter #1
I am a married mother of 4. I have been with my husband for 29 years, we have been married 19 years. My husband and I have gone through quite of few ups and downs, starting with some issues with his mother. He is a mamma's boy but he has tried to not let that come between us. We have had some hick-ups but overall worked through them. I also come from a huge family of 9. It is extremely dysfunctional and toxic. The first 4 girls and 3 boys are my half siblings and the last sister is my full. We have had some serious issues all our lives and that has caused strain from my husband and I as we are always trying to help the others with no common courtesy for our own life and I had to end our relationship with them after my mom passed last year because it became to toxic and trying that I couldn't stay focused with my own little family. My husband had a heart attack 16 years ago when he was 30. This really caused a shift in our marriage. At this time we almost came to separating because he was allowing his mother's toxic ways interfere with his healing and it was causing him a lot of stress, when he did not need that at the time. But after some long deep conversations, he realized that he needs to do what is best for him and not allow his mother's choice of life style overshadow his life. This has worked, she tries to meddle in our life but he squashes it almost instantly. Now that we have kids, things have shifted again. I know life is going to be a roller coaster but I just want to make sure we don't derail from the track we wanted our family to take. We are struggling in our marriage again because we are butting heads at what should or shouldn't be a factor when it comes to the kids' discipline. Other than that I feel we are good. I am here to seek advice to make sure he and I can continue our life with an open mind and common courtesy for each other and the kids so that our ride can be very fulfilling and happy together.
 

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are you in counseling ?

"Other than that I feel we are good."

I'll go out on a limb here and say ya'll are far from good or you wouldn't have the issues your'e stated
 

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Welcome to TAM -- you both have certainly gone through tough times and YOUR advice should also be able to help folks here.
The only thing about the discipline for the kids -- discuss this behind closed doors without your kids knowing and try to get to a united front. Nothing worse than kids playing one parent off of the other....
 

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Discussion Starter #4
are you in counseling ?

"Other than that I feel we are good."

I'll go out on a limb here and say ya'll are far from good or you wouldn't have the issues your'e stated
Arkansas: To answer you question, No we are not in counseling. As for the "good" part, we are, the issue is that sometimes I may overthink or under-think a situation where the kids are concerned and sometimes I just need an outside perspective to see what I am not seeing. I don't like to go into things blindly, so to get another perspective is sometimes what I need in order to be able to talk to my husband with respect and this also allows him to know that I am listening to his take on our issues so that it isn't one sided. My husband and I have not been together this long with out some give and take. I always want to be clear in my conversation and not be fogged in some imagination that I may be having because I am not seeing clearly at the time or him for that matter. There is nothing wrong with getting some advice for a situation, just so we can prevent unnecessary arguments or hurt feelings. At this time, my husband is upset with me and our kids, I for one, don't feel it is just, and this is causing some strain, that doesn't mean we are ready to give up, it just means, someone is not seeing the whole picture and I want to ensure that I am seeing everything and I want to prevent jumping to conclusions or statements that I can not take back. But thank you for asking.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
What is the issue you and he are having about the children?

How old are your children?
I have 4 kids, 4, 10, 11, and 13. My husband is very, I don't know the right word to say, but maybe naggy. A perfect example is, my 13 year old and I were heading home from his school and he was concerned of what to do with his dad's reactions towards him all the time. He feels his dad is never happy, because when he tries to do what his dad asks him, dad finds another thing to complain about. So no sooner than we walk into the house, hubby starts griping about shutting the door to the house. We haven't even placed our belongs down in order to mover out of the way to shut the door. I tried to explain that to him, but he wasn't even giving us a chance. So then the minute my son shuts the door he begins to harp on him about his chores. Seriously, the poor kid did not stand a chance. So I told my son to go do what his dad asked and then when my husband and I had a moment to ourselves I told him about the conversation that my son and I just had before coming home. I told my husband he is becoming to be overbearing and is not allowing the kids to do what they need to do before he begins to jump all over them. So the rest of the week hubby kept complaining that the kids not doing their chores either at all or partially getting them done. So last night I tried to make sure the kids did their chores before dad came home so they wouldn't get in trouble. When hubby got home, he asked how come my son was sitting on the couch and I told him because he was taking an hour to read for his homework. And he asked if my son cleaned his room and I told him no because I was trying to make sure the kids did all their major chores and homework before they go to their rooms to clean. And then he asked if my son charged his phone and again I said no because I was trying to ensure the chores were done. At this point, he started to raise his voice about how he spends $300 a month on phones and none of the kids answer them or charge them and it makes him extremely pissed. That I did not disagree with at all and told him so, he was yelling about the phone not being charged when I explained I did not allow the kids to go to their rooms because I wanted to ensure that the chores were done before he got home. He told me that I was undermining his authority in front of the kids, which I did not feel that I was. I was just trying to explain what transpired before he got home in hopes that he would be more understanding to their situation. He then blew up and stormed out of the room and I still have not spoken to him since. This is where the strain comes in where the kids are concerned. These are situations that goes both ways. I am constantly trying to make sure the kids are doing their chores and he says I nag them to much. When I don't say anything then I am not helping him with making sure the kids are doing their chores. This plays out the same with the kids. He tells them the same thing, that I nag to much or don't help him with discipline and then he constantly is yelling at them for not doing what is asked and then turns around and gives them slack and then literally yells at them for slack and stuff should have getting done. This is where I find it troubling if I am overlooking something or not seeing his view. Or is it really him. I can't place it. Now the younger ones are starting to feel the wrath that my son has been going through. With a little back ground, my husband's mom has done this behavior as long as I have been with him and am afraid he is becoming just like her. There is no happy medium, and there is so much confusion on what is expected from me and the kids. When I try to approach him with this, "I am now over-reacting and it's something I have to deal with." He wasn't like this until he had his heart attack and I don't know what else to do, because he refuses counseling. It's very narcissistic.
 

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