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She says ," I dont know, I want time alone, I think I want to seperate " she wont talk and I try not to ask too much or she gets mad.

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And you let that be acceptable?

This is guerrilla warfare. She fires off an emotional pot shot and then runs away.

Don’t let it be.

Tell her there’s the door if she’s unhappy and won’t talk about it. If she will talk about it, different story.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
And you let that be acceptable?



This is guerrilla warfare. She fires off an emotional pot shot and then runs away.



Don’t let it be.



Tell her there’s the door if she’s unhappy and won’t talk about it. If she will talk about it, different story.
When I try to pry more it only pushes her more towards the door. If that's where she is headed, then fine, but I'm not going to push her out.

I dont have a clue what she is actually thinking besides she is highly disappointed in me right now. I'm working on improving myself and trying to not completely lose her in the process. I dont let her walk all over me, at the same time I dont go looking for fights with her.

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Discussion Starter #43
I don't mean to add to OP's paranoia, but my ex wife somehow managed to have a full blown physical affair while we drove together to work every day, ate lunches together most days, and spent all weekend every weekend together. Weekday evenings we also spent together.



She literally must have been having sex with him in a storage room at work or something.
Well that's what she would have to be doing. We are literally together all the time except when she is at work, and she doesnt work any overtime.

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When I try to pry more it only pushes her more towards the door. If that's where she is headed, then fine, but I'm not going to push her out.

I dont have a clue what she is actually thinking besides she is highly disappointed in me right now. I'm working on improving myself and trying to not completely lose her in the process. I dont let her walk all over me, at the same time I dont go looking for fights with her.
This post and the one right before it from you are the actually definition of a doormat and letting her walk all over her.

You are scared to "Push" her. If you ask questions she gets "Mad". Doormat.

Do you have zero self respect? Really?

You have the right to know what is going on, and even though you don't believe it or understand it, you are being walked all over.

I you just refuse to see...
 

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And you let that be acceptable?



This is guerrilla warfare. She fires off an emotional pot shot and then runs away.



Don’t let it be.



Tell her there’s the door if she’s unhappy and won’t talk about it. If she will talk about it, different story.
When I try to pry more it only pushes her more towards the door. If that's where she is headed, then fine, but I'm not going to push her out.

I dont have a clue what she is actually thinking besides she is highly disappointed in me right now. I'm working on improving myself and trying to not completely lose her in the process. I dont let her walk all over me, at the same time I dont go looking for fights with her.

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Oh goodness.....you really need to go back and read this a couple times and let it sink in.

You already lost the battle....your doing the “I don’t want to push her away dance”. Lack of personal strength and boundaries is what led you to where you are.

The correct move once you found the divorce papers was to sign them and hand them to her before she even gave them to you.

You have already lost.

Take the lead!!! Operate from a position of strength!!! Stop laying down in front the steam roller.

A passive man is not attractive.... it’s just how it is.

Despite what main stream media wants you to believe.....being a “vaginized man” is not cool.
 

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Who gives a damn if she's ticked off if you ask her what the hell is going on??????

Yeah, you are acting like a beta/doormat. For the life of me, I can't understand why you are allowing HER anger to decide YOUR lack of reaction.

Jeesh, get ANGRY already!!! She's treating you, and talking to you, like you're crap. It's one thing to be easy-going and laid back. It's quite another to allow your spouse to speak to you this way.

As a woman, I'm just being upfront with you. She has a foot out the door. She's keeping you in line with HER agenda by using anger and threats. I don't know why you would want to hang on to this nasty woman, but it's your life. However, I will once again advise you lay it on the line to her and just have it out.

I get the feeling that some of your hesitancy may be due to realizing you'll be in a financially worse situation if you walk. The thing is, you can't put a price on self-respect. And I speak from experience, having walked out on my alcoholic husband when my finances were less than stellar … JMO.
 

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I will set aside for a moment whether she is cheating or not...

Stop acting like a scared little boy when she gets mad. Call her on her it when she treats you with disrespect, even if she may be right about why she is mad. Stand up and demand respect.

My XH was a SAHD when our kids were little. It was my idea too - he hated the job he was in and I didn’t want him to be miserable. I had no idea I would come to resent him so much. He was a “laid back” guy too, which translates to lazy and unable to multi-task. Which meant I had to (in my mind) do “everything”, I had to work to pay all of our bills and pick up the slack at home so he could be laid back. And he got the luxury of spending time with our children that I didn’t. I was jealous of my SAHM friends but would convince myself I was career-focused and this was what I wanted. I really wanted to go back in time and pick a different man, a man that would allow me the choice to be a mom at home or work, but not NEED to be the sole one carrying everything.

We still had good moments in between but my resentment would build and build until I lashed out. And he would cower and give me space. Which just reinforced my belief that I had another child to mother, not a partner or a man. I do wonder what would be different if he had ever said “Hey, cut the ****.” We were both struggling with the roles that didn’t fit us as it turned out.

Makes me sad. Oh, and my second husband cheated only during work hours. The COW had a lovely 5 min commute.
 

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When I try to pry more it only pushes her more towards the door. If that's where she is headed, then fine, but I'm not going to push her out.

I dont have a clue what she is actually thinking besides she is highly disappointed in me right now. I'm working on improving myself and trying to not completely lose her in the process. I dont let her walk all over me, at the same time I dont go looking for fights with her.

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She’s getting something out of the ability to threaten you, and not be called on it.

What is it?
 

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Discussion Starter #50
She’s getting something out of the ability to threaten you, and not be called on it.



What is it?
I dont have a clue.

I mean I have a job now, I'm still looking for other jobs, still in school and almost finished, I've been losing weight, what am I doing still that so wrong, besides wanting to save my marriage?

Do I need to stop just caring about savinh my marriage and Only focus on me?

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I dont have a clue.

I mean I have a job now, I'm still looking for other jobs, still in school and almost finished, I've been losing weight, what am I doing still that so wrong, besides wanting to save my marriage?

Do I need to stop just caring about saving my marriage and Only focus on me?

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You are responsible for your half of the marriage.
Women will often resent their husbands having less income than them. This is not your fault or hers, but it is reality.
Well done on getting a job, good luck on getting a better one.

Become the best man that you can be and your marriage is more likely to work. Either way, an emotionally needy man is not the man you admire, nor one she admires.

There is no right and wrong as such. Asking that is, wrong. It is framed in the context of how do I do the "good boy" thing.

Well done on losing weight. I suggest you go for weights and MMA. These communities are typically more welcoming than you might expect.

Tell me, and I am sorry this is harsh so I want to add hope, what type of men in your own life do you admire and respect? Particular individuals?
 

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Discussion Starter #52
You are responsible for your half of the marriage.
Women will often resent their husbands having less income than them. This is not your fault or hers, but it is reality.
Well done on getting a job, good luck on getting a better one.

Become the best man that you can be and your marriage is more likely to work. Either way, an emotionally needy man is not the man you admire, nor one she admires.

There is no right and wrong as such. Asking that is, wrong. It is framed in the context of how do I do the "good boy" thing.

Well done on losing weight. I suggest you go for weights and MMA. These communities are typically more welcoming than you might expect.

Tell me, and I am sorry this is harsh so I want to add hope, what type of men in your own life do you admire and respect? Particular individuals?
I dont have anyone I specifically admire. The type of guy I admire is one who is happy in life, has a good job and a happy family. One who doesnt worry about what people think or their ideas of what he should be.

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I dont have a clue.

I mean I have a job now, I'm still looking for other jobs, still in school and almost finished, I've been losing weight, what am I doing still that so wrong, besides wanting to save my marriage?

Do I need to stop just caring about savinh my marriage and Only focus on me?

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Wow. Whoosh!

Listen man, I'm trying to help you here. We're trying to help you here. But we can't make you want to be helped, and we can't give you courage.

You are part of this marriage. Therefore, if you're not firing on all cylinders, then neither is your marriage. And you cannot control your marriage or your wife - you can only control yourself.

So here's what you do instead of what you're doing:

1. start working out. Today. Heavy emphasis on lifting heavy things and putting them back down again. Repeat as many times as you can, every day.

2. start eating right. 1/3 protein, 1/3 good fats, 1/3 carbs by calorie count. Get an app, set your target weight, and let it count your calories for you.

3. do not beg for attention from your wife. Instead, be worthy of her attention. Get your **** done. Get your school done. Hold down your job and find a better one if you need to. Have discipline. Have integrity. Lead by virtue of who you are and where you're going instead of the husband label.

4. Once you have your **** together, sit down and have the conversation with your wife that you've been avoiding. Start by looking her in the eye and asking her if she's sorry she married you, and if so, why. If her reasons are valid, work on them. If they aren't, say so - without fighting or defending yourself. If she wants out, make it easy for her to go. If she wants to stay, make it clear to her what your expectations are from marriage.

Do not dance on the edge of a precipice forever asking for someone else to make you safe.
 

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I dont have anyone I specifically admire. The type of guy I admire is one who is happy in life, has a good job and a happy family. One who doesnt worry about what people think or their ideas of what he should be.
Might I suggest that you maybe think about admiring men that feel good about themselves? That do not let their wives treat them like a doormat, and walk all over them?

Men that feel good in their own skin? Men that are not only great fathers, but set an example for their children about how NOT to be treated by their (most likely cheating) wives?

Men that teach their children how they should be treated in their relationships, that don't allow themselves to be buffaloed in to being a SAHD. Men that do not allow their wives to treat them the way that yours does.

Do you think that this type of perspective might help you more in life and in fact may help you to have a happy family with somebody (Not your current wife) and a happy marriage??????
 

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I dont have anyone I specifically admire. The type of guy I admire is one who is happy in life, has a good job and a happy family. One who doesnt worry about what people think or their ideas of what he should be.
Thanks for the answer. It is really open. Well done.

You are also going through an incredibly rough time in your life and will be feeling overwhelmed.

- happy in life
- has a good job and a happy family
- One who doesnt worry about what people think or their ideas of what he should be

That is a fine list. The last one means you can take or leave all of this.

- Happy in life.
You will have ups and downs, but you can be happy with you life overall. The challenge is to live it as best you can.

- Has a good job and a happy family
That is essentially a good Father figure. You can certainly be that from what I read. The only suggestion I would make is this, you are responsible for being a good Father figure, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness but your own. If they are unhappy, it is on them.
I could be completely wrong, but I get the impression of a man who has not been the ideal father figure you would like. Life not being yourself can be tough.

- One who doesnt worry about what people think or their ideas of what he should be
That equates, perhaps, in part to someone who knows what they are doing in their life and has a sense of higher calling. In the second part, it equates to being at ease with yourself.

May I ask your own family background?

My own situation that brought me here was newly married to a wife with whom I could get on, but who would not make any decent constribution to the marriage. I tell you that as we all project our own situations on to things when we read them.

PS: Typical TAM book suggestions:
- No More My Nice Guy, discussion of the difference between being truely good and being passive/domesticated. It was recommended to me on here, though not that useful!
- Awareness, Anthony deMello. Mind blowingly great for me, but I did have a suitable spiritual background for it.
 

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Is it possible that your wife was waiting for you to finish school before she began to distance herself?

As a female and I read this, I'm feeling that it would be easy for you to be overwhelmed. Take a couple of things at a time.

The bottom line is if you feel good about yourself, you will radiate confidence/assurance and present a more attractive personal to everyone, not just family.
 

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Discussion Starter #58
Is it possible that your wife was waiting for you to finish school before she began to distance herself?



As a female and I read this, I'm feeling that it would be easy for you to be overwhelmed. Take a couple of things at a time.



The bottom line is if you feel good about yourself, you will radiate confidence/assurance and present a more attractive personal to everyone, not just family.
I dont think she was waiting, but what would I know.

I did feel good about myself until all this happened, now I'm trying to get that feeling back.

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