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Discussion Starter #1
Dont know where to start. Been married for 7 years, together for 9. Past couple months wife has been talking about seperation and divorce. I have been a stay at home dad for past 3 years, now she says I am lazy and not the man she thought I would be. Cleaning up the house like I normally do I ran across petition for divorce paperwork she has started filling out. I have been working on myself since all this started, but it's been hard. I am in school part time, just started a new job, and last Monday was our anniversary.

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Welcome, so how many children do you have? And ages, in the 3 yrs how was it discussed that you would be a SAHD? How long until you finish school. Has your wife only recently changed in attitude or was there other issues? Why DO YOU THINK she is filing for divorce?
 

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If you are a stay at home dad and are studying as well, then you are NOT lazy. Presumably your child or children are still young?
 

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I'm glad to hear you're working again. It's NEVER a good idea to pull yourself out of the job market for too long or you lose all marketability. Thankfully, it doesn't sound as though 3 years did irreparable damage.

Folks will probably disagree with me because we're not allowed to say anything anymore without offending the masses, but I'll say it anyway. I think your wife lost respect for you being a 'stay at home dad.' Some women simply don't see it as sexy or attractive or a turn-on if their man wants to be a stay at home parent while their wife supports them instead of building a career out in the world.

I'm just saying from the sounds of it, I think she's lost all respect for you. :(

Lastly, STOP doing the Pick Me! dance. Jeez, you automatically assume that YOU have to dance as fast as you can and that YOU have to do all kinds of work on yourself in order to keep Miss Thang in your life. She sounds like an arrogant, self-absorbed witch. Find your voice and stand up for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Welcome, so how many children do you have? And ages, in the 3 yrs how was it discussed that you would be a SAHD? How long until you finish school. Has your wife only recently changed in attitude or was there other issues? Why DO YOU THINK she is filing for divorce?
We have the one age 5. I got laid off for a job and I had another job lined up, but she convinced me to find something else I wanted to do and go to school. We both agreed after she convinced me to be a SAHD. I understand her feelings that I should have done more classes, but I was overwhelmed. I am only a few classes away from finishing. We talked about me finding a job when our son started school, and that's when I started looking. Without finishing my degree it's been hard. She only recently changed in attitude, although this has been going on for a couple months now. Before that I never saw it coming.

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Do you think her change could be due to her being involved with, or attracted to, another man?

For a woman to suddenly change her tune and want a divorce … well, you either didn't realize she was falling out of love with you or she's already fallen in love with someone else.
 

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Dont know where to start. Been married for 7 years, together for 9. Past couple months wife has been talking about seperation and divorce. I have been a stay at home dad for past 3 years, now she says I am lazy and not the man she thought I would be. Cleaning up the house like I normally do I ran across petition for divorce paperwork she has started filling out. I have been working on myself since all this started, but it's been hard. I am in school part time, just started a new job, and last Monday was our anniversary.
That is a short post and there is a lot more to discuss. There are a few things that make what you are going through, but there are a few things that are typical.

A stay at home husband is vulnerable. Many women will like the idea, but as @She'sStillGotIt says, the reality is rarely as cool. It can often be that they feel like they have taken the male role. It can be tempting to try to make up for this by working extra hard to impress.

This can be to mistake the issue.

Be a call ass manly man. Accept she is likely to divorce you fully. It is regretful, but you are not going to cry about it. Rise to the occasion and focus not on trying to stay married, but on being a great father and role model to your child. Consider that you have to take a different role, get the job to reflect you will need one or smash through the last bit of study and regain your identity.

The man she is likely to want will not be concentrating on his ill-fortune. He will be living up to a higher ideal as a Father. Consider the best (single) Father you can become to your child., and act like that person until you are him. It might well be that your wife falls in love with that man, she might not.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Do you think her change could be due to her being involved with, or attracted to, another man?



For a woman to suddenly change her tune and want a divorce … well, you either didn't realize she was falling out of love with you or she's already fallen in love with someone else.
I dont believe she is involved with another man, but it could very well be she is attracted to another man and sees him as more of a man than me.

I would say I didnt realize she was falling out of love. She worked all the time, and i was home with our son our running him around and taking care of everything at home.

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Discussion Starter #9
That is a short post and there is a lot more to discuss. There are a few things that make what you are going through, but there are a few things that are typical.

A stay at home husband is vulnerable. Many women will like the idea, but as @She'sStillGotIt says, the reality is rarely as cool. It can often be that they feel like they have taken the male role. It can be tempting to try to make up for this by working extra hard to impress.

This can be to mistake the issue.

Be a call ass manly man. Accept she is likely to divorce you fully. It is regretful, but you are not going to cry about it. Rise to the occasion and focus not on trying to stay married, but on being a great father and role model to your child. Consider that you have to take a different role, get the job to reflect you will need one or smash through the last bit of study and regain your identity.

The man she is likely to want will not be concentrating on his ill-fortune. He will be living up to a higher ideal as a Father. Consider the best (single) Father you can become to your child., and act like that person until you are him. It might well be that your wife falls in love with that man, she might not.
I get that all that now. We talked about everything as I was staying at home studying, but apparently she wasnt honest with me at the time. I am trying my hardest to be a stand up dad and let her do her thing, but my emotions get the best of me sometimes.



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Discussion Starter #10
There is more to the story, I just dont know how to tell it all. I have already pushed her to the point she wont talk to me unless she initiates the conversation, and if I get any reply it's a short, snappy reply. I am trying my hardest to be a good dad, finish school, and work a new job. I have a new job that sucks and wont pay my bills if I have to move out, so that adds to my anxiety.

She decided she needed time away and wanted to go to her moms for Thanksgiving. I said that sounded like a good idea, but she wouldn't go without our son. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, she knows that, but I let her take him anyways thinking that was the right thing to do. It has completely ruined this holiday for me and I wont be able to ever look at it the same. While she has been gone I have not been texting her, buy still get a text from her every so often. If I dont reply I'm being an ass, if I do reply she replies back with a short rude text.

After discussing not spending money until we figure things out, she bought a new matress and a new computer, wth?

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I suggest that you consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are in your situation. Do it now - you really can't afford to wait and just hope things will change.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I suggest that you consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are in your situation. Do it now - you really can't afford to wait and just hope things will change.
I'm not just waiting to see what happens, but I am going to try and save my marriage.

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I'm not just waiting to see what happens, but I am going to try and save my marriage.
You can't save your marriage alone. Your wife took off to spend Thanksgiving with her family and didn't give a good cahoot what happened to you.

I have this gut feeling that there very well could be another man. It may not have progressed to the physical, but don't rule out she could be having an emotional affair. Your wife has checked out. I'm sorry, but that's how I see it as a woman.
 

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I'm not just waiting to see what happens, but I am going to try and save my marriage.

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You can't save your marriage alone. Your wife took off to spend Thanksgiving with her family and didn't give a good cahoot what happened to you.

I have this gut feeling that there very well could be another man. It may not have progressed to the physical, but don't rule out she could be having an emotional affair. Your wife has checked out. I'm sorry, but that's how I see it as a woman.
Honestly brother, you really need to listen to what you are being told.

Odds are that she has another man, that is not a SAHD, sorry but more than likely true.

I suspect that she has been cheating a while, she is tired of your dead weight, and she HAS moved on.

You need to protect yourself, and you need to do it now. You don't have a marriage to save, probably have not had one for a while.

In the FUTURE, NEVER EVER depend on another person for your financial survival, it is a fools errand.

Please, wake up and protect yourself while you can, I suspect that you are about to be left in the dust...
 

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After discussing not spending money until we figure things out, she bought a new matress and a new computer, wth?
If this doesn't make you realize your wife has no respect for you, I don't know what will ….
 

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Yup, some KISA is telling her what he would do for her if she was his. And you acting the way you are currently is the "pick me dance" but with little to offer you are only the babysitter. And she will make the decision for you because you have to her every whim.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
You can't save your marriage alone. Your wife took off to spend Thanksgiving with her family and didn't give a good cahoot what happened to you.



I have this gut feeling that there very well could be another man. It may not have progressed to the physical, but don't rule out she could be having an emotional affair. Your wife has checked out. I'm sorry, but that's how I see it as a woman.
That could be true. If there is another man she has not had the chance to get physical outside of work.

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People have lunchtime "quickies" all the time. Do you have access to her phone? Social media? I'd suggest you start investigating. If you find nothing, fine. But I have a suspicion you might be in for an unpleasant surprise.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
People have lunchtime "quickies" all the time. Do you have access to her phone? Social media? I'd suggest you start investigating. If you find nothing, fine. But I have a suspicion you might be in for an unpleasant surprise.
After the replies on here I have gotten a little paranoid and shamefully did some digging. We are both off social media and I could not find anything showing she is back on one. I did look into her text and can say the only way she is texting another guy is if she deletes all those text immediately and that person has an iPhone, as those dont show up on phone bill.

I know most people feel like this at first, but I feel in my heart that she would never cheat on me, she is honestly just disappointed in my lack of having a good paying job by now. We live more comfortable than a lot of people and have a decent savings, but have not been able to put much into that savings in a while, or plan an expensive vacation. She says I am lazy and lack motivation. She is a very career oriented person and I am a laid back person who doesnt always react as quickly as she wants.

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After the replies on here I have gotten a little paranoid and shamefully did some digging.
There is nothing to be ashamed of for "digging." I'd suggest you read a few threads on the Coping With Infidelity forum here. Trust, but verify is frequently advised.

… have not been able to put much into that savings in a while, or plan an expensive vacation. She says I am lazy and lack motivation. She is a very career oriented person and I am a laid back person who doesnt always react as quickly as she wants.
At least you have a savings account. And why does a vacation need to be "expensive" in order to be taken? Maybe I'm just too old to understand this concept, but if two people enjoy common interests and each other's company, ANY vacation should be fine. Hell, my husband and I used to camp out in a two-room tent and we had a great time.

Here's the thing I see happening here: Your wife is treating you with complete disrespect. You've mentioned several times that she calls you "lazy." Not a constructive or nice thing to say to one's spouse, is it?

Do you think it could just be a matter of you two having two incompatible personalities? Do you think she might consider compromising and going a little easier on you? Because from where I'm sitting, this marriage sounds like it's burnt toast. Laid back or not, you'd better sit down and have a VERY serious discussion with your wife. At this point, it sounds like she's done. Sorry.
 
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