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5K views 75 replies 16 participants last post by  Cynthia 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
⁵Hello everybody, I am new in this interesting forum. Let me thank you to accept me as member of this group.

I am so sad and cracked....I should marry my boyfriend in really few time but sometimes I feel to escape from him.

I know him since two years, but i started a relationship with him since few months, before I had another relationship that I broke up.

My boyfriend knows me very well, we had always been used to talk too much about everything and he was the one that was suggesting me whenever I was encountering any issues. He told me that he always loved me but he never spoke cause of the other guy that was with me.

My previous boyfriend had been with me for almost two years, I loved him a lot and I never wanted to break up, but he was taking me for granted and he never spoke to his Family about me, he was taking advantage.

The other guy, my actual boyfriend and was like the perfect man, he already also introduced me to his Family, but, seriously, now I started to be confused, he puts all the economical effort on me and he is very lazy.

I bought the house, furniture all by my money and him just take benefit. Whenever we go supermarket I am the one that must pay. He is not concerning about how much energy we spent he just open air condition without thinking, cause he is not the one who pay.

This make me disappointed and plus now my ex is writing very sweetly, I saw him and I feel like dying, I think to him a lot.

What do you think? What I should do?
 
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#4 ·
I think we teach people how to treat us...

This is your house and nothing will change until you put into place the boundaries of respect.... I think once that happens your boyfriend problem will resolve itself and that which hurts you will leave.

Please don't love yourself less...
 
#5 ·
Thank you for your kind replies. I am so sad and lost, sometimes I would like to run to my ex but I think he is so soft now just to get back what he lost. With my new boyfriend I start to be disappointed but I don't want to be again heart broken...what I should do??
 
#26 ·
Leave them both.

Your ex boyfriend is being sentimental because you're no longer there and he misses you. But if you go back to him, after a couple weeks or months it will be the same way it always was.

Your current boyfriend is a lot like your ex boyfriend in that he takes you for granted. Have you told him you don't want to support him? What does he say? Obviously he does not care. If you are willing to give it, he is willing to take it even if he knows it is not right. Would you do that to someone? Just take from them and not give back? NO. But he will because that is the kind of person he is. It doesn't matter how much you LOVE him, that is who he is. Most men have to much pride and desire to protect their woman to do that. He does not.

You have enough money to support yourself because right now you are supporting yourself PLUS a man who is not careful how he spends. Break up with him.

Be on your own for a few months. When you feel like you are happy with or without a man, then you know you are ready to be in a relationship because you can enjoy the love and companionship but you will have standards and can walk away if he doesn't treat you right.

There will ALWAYS be another man. Do not feel desperate just because you're being treated badly. That is who he is. You do not need to accept that.
 
#7 ·
Go back to your ex, and it will definitely be "second verse, same as the first!"

Mature and stay away from him and let yourself meet new people! You are being severely mistreated by this ex!

You don't need that!
 
#8 ·
So, your choices are either a man who is USING you for your money, your home, your work as his made/sex partner/mother - or else a man who's willing to steal another man's girlfriend?

You have a third choice. Leave them both behind and get on with your life on your own. You don't need a man to be happy. In fact, you need to learn to be happy by yourself BEFORE you select a partner.
 
#9 · (Edited by Moderator)
Hello everybody, so what you mean to say it is that my ex just used me for money and for physical needs and that my actual boyfriend is just a ................(I cannot write the word, cause it will be not good), that caught a girl already with one of his friend.

My ex yesterday called me and I felt so bad, I listen his voice and I remembered all the moments we spent together and when he asked me if I love the other guy I just keep shut up, cause it was coming to say I love you to him, especially when he was saying that he loves me.

He said he is spoiling his life cause of me, but me I always did my best for him I never miss anything for him, but him he misses many things for me.

The new guy he keeps on saying he loves me since he met me, but he never spoke cause I was with the other man,, now he plans to
marry me, but seriously i am terribly confused, my life is like stucked.

Maybe you are right that both they don't deserve me, but unfortunately me I always put everyone above me and I forget myself, that's why I need your help to solve this issue and start to be happy.
 
#10 ·
I feel so much this psychological pressure and as I am so soft I suffer a lot. Like it makes me suffer that my actual boyfriend puts on me all the economical effort, I bought house, furniture without any of his help and if we go to the supermarket who needs to pay it is me only. He didn't even gave me an engagement ring, and for the marriage all the expenses are on my shoulders. In house he doesn't pay attention to save energy anyway bill will be not on him and when he is not there just to save energy I don't use the ac and I sweat like I don't know.....I am so.so sad
 
#11 ·
NO man should expect a woman to support him financially, unless he is medically handicapped. And no woman should be willing to do it.

Danyy, this isn't a problem with the men. It's a problem with you. You have no self esteem. You don't love yourself. You think you don't deserve a decent man, so you keep letting horrible men take advantage of you.

Like I said, what you really need to do is break up with your boyfriend, have him move out or you move out, and tell your ex that you will no longer be in contact with him.

Then spend the next year alone. Give yourself ONE YEAR before you go out with any man. Spend that year getting to know yourself, know what you're capable of. Find a psychologist and start seeing her twice a month. Take some classes. Join a club in some activity you like to do, and get great at it. Make some new female friends in those classes or clubs and start hanging out with them. Read some books on psychology and self esteem. I would start with Healing The Shame That Binds You and also The Dance Of Anger. After you read those, read His Needs Her Needs, which will teach you what a healthy relationship looks like, and what you should be demanding in a relationship - what you should LEAVE a man for, if he won't meet your needs.

Do these things and I guarantee that by the time you start dating again, you'll be a strong, confident woman who will stop attracting loser men.
 
#12 ·
Perhaps you are overvaluing what you don’t have and undervaluing what you do.
Or Perhaps your past is meant to be just that, a lesson learned.
Leave new guy before it gets any deeper.
 
#13 ·
Thank You all for the kind answers you gave me, I truly appreciate all of them and I recognize that I don't have enough love for myself.
About the suggestion not to go deeper with the new guy, I guess it is a little but late, he already introduced me to his Family and now he is telling to everyone that he will marry me, some time I got angry for this.
One more suggestions please, so both of them are not good for me??
 
#14 ·
How old are you?
How old are they?
It's only to late if you marry him.
That's up to you. But You should not, the way you feel at this moment, there will be major issues in the future.
 
#16 ·
Good question, why I think they are good enough for me...cause when I love I do until the smallest piece of my bones, I love in a blind way, I give everything and I love very deeply, so I always think they are right and me I am wrong
I am 33 years old and my ex is 28 and my actual boyfriend is 23, I know we have 10 years difference, but this it is not the matter, one of my friend is 34 and her husband 24, they recently got a baby and they are so happy together
Why me I cannot find a good man for me??
 
#18 ·
Good question, why I think they are good enough for me...cause when I love I do until the smallest piece of my bones, I love in a blind way, I give everything and I love very deeply, so I always think they are right and me I am wrong
I am 33 years old and my ex is 28 and my actual boyfriend is 23, I know we have 10 years difference, but this it is not the matter, one of my friend is 34 and her husband 24, they recently got a baby and they are so happy together
What you describe is called "unconditional love" and it's considered the worst thing you can do in a relationship. It's good for kids, but not for husbands. Why? Because you two go into an arrangement that is for benefit for BOTH of you. In other words, you should only be meeting his needs AS LONG AS he is ALSO meeting YOUR needs.

Currently, you aren't getting any benefit from this Danyy. And you're getting nothing from your ex but promises - from a man who's willing to steal another man's woman. What makes you think he won't cheat on you, too?

And I ALWAYS tell people to not get serious with anyone who is younger than 25 because your brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25. In other words, you're basically dating a teenager.

Why me I cannot find a good man for me??
I've already told you why. Because you don't love yourself. If YOU don't love yourself, how can you expect a man to love you? If YOU don't respect yourself, why should some man respect you?

So what happens is that because you accept horrible treatment, that's the kind of men attracted to you - men who treat you horribly.

Here's an example. My daughter, who never doubted her own worth, who knew she deserved a great guy, had a two-strike rule. If a guy messed up, for example didn't show up for a date, she would give him ONE MORE CHANCE. If he didn't show up for a date a second time, even if she liked him, she would tell him she would not go out with him again, would not give him another chance. That's what having self respect looks like in action.

In your case, you should try telling your boyfriend that you expect him to pay for dates moving forward. The first time he refuses to pay, you tell him you won't go out with him again until he puts up the money first. That's what self respect and self love looks like.
 
#17 ·
About the parents of my actual boyfriend I think they are happy of our relationship cause their son he got house and everything without even spending one cents. Me when I went there they host me in their house, incredibly small (I know this is not the important), but he was saying it is more expensive that the one I bought that it is 300 square mt and that one maybe is 20 my
I am so frustrated...he made me buy even his groom dress and wedding rings (we were preparing for the wedding) , I organized all and him always with the excuses of work he didn't do anything.
I never asked the moon, but a proper man, with the Capitol M
 
#20 ·
Why I am so weak??????
I saw in my new boyfriend thr perfect man that was doing what my ex was not doing, but this situation has been very short, now my boyfriend is becoming a man that just simply take advantage on me.
My ex boyfriend now he is so nice and he makes me thinking that I should stay with him, but i need to remember all the bad words he said to me and even now he is saying that me i didn't loved him and he was just a name in my list...with all what i did for him i cannot understand how he can talk like this
My actual boyfriend is becoming like no more the one i need, now that he is far for some days I don't miss him and I don't even feel to talk with him. Before was my ex doing my voice to take joke on me, now also my boyfriend is doing....the Family of my boyfriend is writing and calling me every day but as per the actual situation is becoming something very annoying. Seriously I am thinking to come back to my ex, but even in this case I don't know how can I do as I need to delete this time with my current boyfriend.
 
#23 ·
Seriously I am thinking to come back to my ex
Danyy, WHY? Why do you think about going to ANY man?

You don't need a man, Danyy. It's clear you can take care of yourself, buy your own home, furnish it, feed yourself.

Why do you 'need' a man?

Work on yourself. Find a therapist and start going until you learn to love and value yourself. Stay away from men. PLEASE.
 
#44 ·
It sounds like you need a support system... you know, people who care about you and who you can talk to. Do you have any family or female friends around you? If so, what do they say about all this?

You say that you have a job. How many hours a week do you work?

What do you do when you are not working? Do you have any hobbies or things that you enjoy doing? Do you ever go visit family and friends?
 
#24 ·
I don't have any friend close to me to speak with.
I don't think to go to any man...for me my ex is not any man, I see him always special even if he did wrong in the way he treated me.
I am so sad cause having a good person beside me was a dream but now I feel it is vanished....
 
#25 ·
So much angry today....I can bite someone.....my boyfriend yesterday was keeping on saying we bought house, we paied a lot of money, we buy all the furniture....excuse me...we?????????????
I .......not we......all the expenses are made by me and he is able to say we .....no shame, seriously, he didn't take out anything, just words....i am tired...I don't want to see him for some days.
I am becoming full of this situation, now after two days I will see him and I want to tell him directly, I would like to find a good way to tell him, but I don't know, I am so upset. Just because he paied money for my ticket to go to visit his Country, so it is allowed to say anything, but problem is that he paied 200 dollars and me more than 120000 dollars, small difference!!!!!!
Now still a lot of expenses all for me, and I saw one ring that I like too much since long time and he said...you don't need this...we have many other expenses....and me I answered that he needs to help me with the economical expenses...he always said yes but until now nothing...only words...
Enough also for me that I am very patient...but when it is over it is over.
 
#27 ·
Danyy, NEITHER of those men is honorable. You deserve better. If YOU won't respect yourself, and demand better, why would you expect them to treat you better?

Pack up your boyfriend's stuff, put it in storage somewhere, and tell him where to go find it. Show some strength.
 
#28 ·
I am getting mad, seriously, every day I am getting very sad and I feel so bad. Yesterday my boyfriend was dare to say, that there is nothing that it is mine or his, everything is ours....very nice to say for someone that didn't take out even one cent from him pocket and just take advantage. Now that he is learning driving school he already told me that all his money will go for the lessons and after he needs a car so I immediately understood what he meant to say...to buy it for him.
He was always saying that my ex is failure and just took advantage cause some time he was asking me to buy for him phone charge, now it is already long time that also my actual boyfriend always ask me for the same, so??
I am tired and feed up. He didn't pay for anything and after he says...I buy...what you buy?
Seriously now he is also saying that the driving school teacher is saying he is driving very nice and he is expert...I want to laugh....he doesn't even know the basic of an engine and the wheels....I am in a bad situation.
He thinks to be superman but he is not.
I am so so sad
 
#33 ·
Of course. This is because you are getting fed up and he can sense it and he does not want to lose you because you let him use you and you are meek and don't object.

The things he does are very manipulative and controlling. Taking you to see his family so you feel guilty if you leave him because they think so highly of you. Claiming in public that the two of you bought this or that when it was you, so you again feel embarrassed to say anything. Telling you everything is "ours" like HE is generous when YOU have paid for everything?

I am getting so angry at YOU for allowing this because you totally remind me of ME. IN THE PAST. I knew I was being mistreated and used, but I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't want to hurt or embarrass my husband so I went along with the game that everything I paid for was OURS. Meanwhile he just kept running up debt. I was so lost and confused -- I would say but HOW can I leave him? And people would say "You just DO IT." And I would think "But HOW? I can't just DO that..." And then one day I JUST DID IT. It was NOT easy, but I DID it, I DID it, I DID it!!!! And now I am free and happy. Unfortunately I waited until I was in my 50's and even though I made a lot of money compared to many, I have nothing but debt because he spent everything and more.

Don't let these men control you. Get out and do what Turnera says - be on your own for awhile. I met a great guy right away but was hesitant to get serious. HE WAITED because he really liked me. THEN one day I realized that I was happy with him but also perfectly fine and happy withOUT him. That was when I knew I could get serious again, because I know if things go downhill, I can walk away. I really feel like things are going to work out BECAUSE I respect myself more now and because of that he respects me too. Guys in the past never respected me because there was something desperate about me, even though I was a really nice person and treated them great. I was still pathetic and that is not TRULY attractive to anyone. If he does not have to WORK to keep you, he is not going to respect you.

You can see what is wrong -- you are weak and fall for men who use you. This is YOUR life. DO something about it.

I would read up on NARCISSISM. Both your guys, definitely this current one, sound like narcissists to me. You can NEVER be happy with a narcissist no matter HOW much YOU love on them.
 
#31 ·
Both of them are USERS. They are USING YOU. One uses you by daring you to stand up to him; the other is kissing up to you SO he can use you.

Please, you are better than this. You deserve better than this.

And this guy is your boyfriend, not your husband - he doesn't get ANYTHING from your relationship, unless his name is on a contract.

What are you doing to start liking yourself more? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you going out and making female friends? Are you signing up for a class to learn something? Are you joining a group of other women for tennis or knitting or cooking or something?

NONE of this will change until YOU change.
 
#32 ·
I read the article workingwife you kindly suggested me and with my big surprise I discover that there is many things in common with my boyfriend, except for giving a lot of gifts, thing that doesn't even pass in his mind.
The love with him started in a strange way, I was with my ex and my actual boyfriend has been always a close friend for me, we were used to talk too much and suddenly when he saw, and I was also telling him, that with my ex i had a lot of problems, suddenly he declares my love for me. Immediately I didn't believe that and I was keeping him as friend like before. Unfortunately the love with my ex was continuously going worst and we got divided, so my actual boyfriend came inside the situation and all started. He bring me home and I met his Family, he said they are happy...of course he got to stay in my house and me I pay all...his house it is not even big like one room of mine. The house big or small it is not the matter, but it is just to make understand the character he has.
I bought house, furniture and every time we go shopping I pay...I told him already also about this and he said that he understand he needs to help me, but in one minute already forget.
Many times I told him already, in a joking way, to buy jewellery for me...one time, this not as a joke, I told him that he didn't even bought a ring for our engagement and him just smile....at least my ex the ring he bought. Now for everything I bought he starts to say...I bought this and that...what you bought? Nothing..not even your socks....man without shame.
I never asked anything to anybody, I am not that kind of person, but i like also that someone that care of me, not only me i need to take care of others.
For marriage I am the one who organized everything, him just sitting and justify himself telling he is working, me I had some vacation but I work as well and in the days of vacation I got fully busy, so no relax and I was doing like his taxi, I needed to drop and pick him up from work.
In house he is really messy and me I get angry, this is my house and I love it, I put all my financial resources in it and it was my dream. He just throw things and me I cannot see this.
Every day I need to tell him not to use continuously the air conditioning cause the electicity bill will be high, but he doesn't care and he says that he needs cause he feels hot and when I said that until now in his house he never had air conditioning and just now they put, he says that they had cooler....I am tired...seriously tired. When I love I give everything, I am like that, this is my character. I already suffered a lot in my life, I need to be happy now
I don't tolerate his behaviour and even listening when he says my house...what?????????? Or saying all is ours...yes and him what he bring? He doesn't have even clothes...he has four pants, six shorts, four shirts, two shirts, two bath towels, some underwear and socks and four pairs of shoes...this is normal??
He wants to decide things in my house, I don't need anyone doing like this. He wants to teach me how to do this ot that, cause in his house they do like this or that.
Now that he is learning how to drive he wants to correct me, but me I am driving since years, him he doesn't have even the licence. He is full of himself. We go supermarket and every mirror he goes and look to himself, maybe to say congratulation for him.
I am getting feed up of all of this. He never did anything of house works and he wants to teach me, but in all his life he never did. If I wash cutlery or plates he come to check and after he says it is dirty...him, if I go work he doesn't even rinse his cup, but better like this, anyway in the way he does it is not proper.
Now he is saying he needs a big car, I guess to show like he is rich and strong man....but if he will have car will not come from his pocket but this nobody will know, he will make himself like a king....
Now every time he is away from some days I am so happy and I don't miss him at all ...I am so confused and worried...I am alone and I don't have moral support
 
#34 ·
Why don't you believe you deserve to be treated well? What was your childhood like? Are women just used or ignored in your culture? One of my daughter's friends is from Korea, and her parents expected the world of her - A's in school, become a doctor, do all the housework - while they treated her brother like he was a prince - let him play video games all day, brought him his food, never expected anything from him. That girl ended up having a nervous breakdown and throwing everything away (school, career), because she couldn't handle being used. When all she had to do was learn to say no.
 
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