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Discussion Starter #61
I need a concrete support to find the way to be no more stucked in this situation. I would like to be happy. But I feel weak, like I am.in a cage and I cannot move from there
 

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So you have come here for advice. Are you willing to take the steps that we are advising you to do?
 

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Thank You all for the kind answers you gave me, I truly appreciate all of them and I recognize that I don't have enough love for myself.
About the suggestion not to go deeper with the new guy, I guess it is a little but late, he already introduced me to his Family and now he is telling to everyone that he will marry me, some time I got angry for this.
One more suggestions please, so both of them are not good for me??
That is correct!
 

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Yes I am ready to move my steps.
Good. Please don't step towards the alter. Marriage is not the answer here. You will be even more miserable than you are now.

I don't think you're as confused as you think you are. You are sick and tired of being manipulated and taken advantage of. That is clear. The only confusion I see is that you are confused about why you are sick and tired of being taken advantage of. Your boyfriend doesn't love you. He is is using you. Free yourself.

You can't find true love if you are saddled to someone who you are miserable with. Don't go looking for someone new until you stop this relationship with your boyfriend. Take some time to work on your personal life and get to a healthy place before you look for someone else. These worthless men can see that you are desperate for love, so they manipulate your feelings and take advantage of you. Not all men are like that, but you need to be putting out different signals that show you are a woman of value and expect to be treated as such.
 

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I know firsthand how hard it is to stand up to manipulative men. Especially when you don't have the personal self worth to understand you have the right to deserve and expect better.

So the best thing for you to do is to take STEPS. Small steps. Pick one step at a time and DO that step - consistently - until it feels natural and right. Any step you take to change the status quo is going to be scary at first, but once you start doing it consistently, it will build up your self esteem and reduce your fear about standing up for yourself.

So, what steps? There are several you could take, but I recommend one simple one first: stop spending your money on your boyfriend. This is crucial to untangling yourself from him and his manipulation and guilt. It will create an awareness that you are no longer going to be his wallet.

Now, you could stop buying him groceries, or you could stop handing him money or you could get separate tickets when you go out to eat and refuse to pay for his. Which one do you think you can accomplish?
 

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So the best thing for you to do is to take STEPS. Small steps. Pick one step at a time and DO that step - consistently - until it feels natural and right. Any step you take to change the status quo is going to be scary at first, but once you start doing it consistently, it will build up your self esteem and reduce your fear about standing up for yourself.

So, what steps? There are several you could take, but I recommend one simple one first: stop spending your money on your boyfriend. This is crucial to untangling yourself from him and his manipulation and guilt. It will create an awareness that you are no longer going to be his wallet.
I agree with this, but you can't very well stop buying him groceries when he's eating in your home or refuse to pay for his meal when you are paying for yours, because the restaurant isn't going to be good with him walking out with you and one of you not paying. Again, really good idea, but start with something that you can actually control.

* Don't go out to restaurants with him anymore.
* Tell him you are no longer paying for his driving lessons.
* Never hand him money.

Stand firm. He will leave you and you won't have to worry about him anymore. However, he may escalate the manipulation and become angry. You will need to prepare yourself for that and be able to stand firm. He may call you names and blame all this on you, but you know they are lies. This is not on you. He is sucking the life out of you, like a psychic vampire. Only you can make it stop.
 

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Discussion Starter #68
I read with all interest your kind reply and I started to practice. I will not pay anymore for anything for him and now he stops also his driving lessons and me I don't care anymore to push him. Now I will get one small kitten.
Yesterday like usual he left his dirty clothes on the bedroom instead of putting g in the basket like I usually told him and me I did one thing...I throw this two clothes, I am not his servant.
Today I went out with some friends and I didn't told anything to him.
His Family keeps on writing me but me I don't reply or if I do I just say hello
 

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I read with all interest your kind reply and I started to practice. I will not pay anymore for anything for him and now he stops also his driving lessons and me I don't care anymore to push him. Now I will get one small kitten.
Yesterday like usual he left his dirty clothes on the bedroom instead of putting g in the basket like I usually told him and me I did one thing...I throw this two clothes, I am not his servant.
Today I went out with some friends and I didn't told anything to him.
His Family keeps on writing me but me I don't reply or if I do I just say hello
This is a very good start.

In all of this, I caution you to keep your temper. There is no point in getting into a fight with him. What you are doing is perfectly reasonable. If he has a problem with that, don't argue about it. You aren't going to change his mind and if you get into an argument with him, he may be able to wear you down. If you need to, walk away and don't respond to his argument.

You are doing a good job in not replying to his family's messages. Saying "hello" is a good way to deflect from entering into argument with them. Even if you tell them that you aren't going to talk about "it," that would be entering into the argument. Remember that you don't have to explain yourself to them or anyone. You only explain when it is necessary to maintain or grow a healthy relationship, not when you are trying to end a dysfunctional relationship.

Another thing you could do is to block his family member's numbers from your phone so you don't have to deal with them at all, but they may come over and harass you.
 

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Discussion Starter #70
Thank You for the useful reply
I would like to share what happened two days ago. He started to saying that now he needs to send a lot of money to his Family cause they need to built a wall as there is one dog that was almost biting his mother...and me I told him that if the dog has a owner he must take care of the dog ...he says that he cannot and the dog is crazy...my boyfriend is crazy, completely crazy...he thinks me I will believe this...no way...he talks like his Family got a lot...they live in four in ten square meters house, there is not even toilet with normal discharge, one bed shared into four, I don't want to criticize but when he said that the house of his Family is expensive like mine I wanted to laugh...10 square meters compared to more than 300 square meters.
I started to hate when he says...I bought this or that and it is me that I bought all things and yesterday I corrected him saying that it is me that i bought everything.
He is lazy like I never saw before, sleeping until the last second and doing nothing, just king life...even when he did some small work like fixing the curtains he broke the drill and he made too many holes in the wall. He thinks to be super man, but he is zero man. Sorry I use the word man, I don't want to offend the real men.
He keeps on saying we need to get married and me I don't even reply anymore. I am feed up and his Family that write me and ask me where is he and if I say he is not here they will ask me why I am alone.in the house, here all is mine , mine. He doesn't have even clothes ..right shirt, four shirt, six trousers, two slippers and four pair of shoes...and he keeps on saying me I have many things...yes I do but I never asked to him or anybody else. I am a girl and I like clothes, him he wants to show he is big man but he is the smallest man I met in my life, even worst than my ex. Now he keeps on saying he needs a big car,muscular, for what? To show like he has money...poor guy...no value at all...I feel shame on me that I choose him, I feel so guilty.
Now he pretends to use my bicycle, absolutely I don't want and i put a lock. Easy for him to say we need to share everything and what is mine is his ans what is his is mine...he has nothing...so for me nothing but he wants the benefit of everything
He eats like a dinosaur here but in his home not. Here is able to eat three meals and plus two bars of chocolate and eight banana,
I cannot believe I made this mistake. It is absolutely not affordable.
He keeps air conditioning opened for all the time he is in the house, I already told him to stop with this but no listen cause no bill to pay for him. But from one side I am happy he didn't buy anything for the house so all is mine and he just need to go. I will pack all his things with big smile on my face. The only things I need to change two lock cause he had the keys so I want to change it so he cannot enter anymore. The only issue is that probably he will keep on coming here and making drama.
I want to share here everything is going on so that you can suggest me in the best way...now that I changed work...he told me before he wanted to change as well, but now he starts to make excuse...drama fake guy.
Now every time I say some complain he starts to saying if I think he is fake and why if he is fake he was doing all these things...which things? He just introduced me to his Family and he makes request for marriage?? These very extremely big things?? I need to laugh...good actor...but now the movie is finished...I am full of this movie.
I can say that even in intimate moments he just looks for his satisfaction, he needs to have his full complete satisfaction, you understand what I mean, and for his partner he doesn't care. The important is that the king will be happy and satisfied. He thinks to be the man more dotated also in that...he keeps on saying phrases to emphasize his body and his potential
I don't know from where can come a subject like this...desolate is saying few things about me...
 

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You are on a roll! Don't worry about him anymore.

Pack his things, then change the locks. Put his things on the porch and tell him he is no longer welcome in your home. Tell him not to contact you again.
 

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It sounds like you are finally starting to understand that he is using you. He picked you because you were easy to manipulate. Now you need to realize that he will never be a decent partner. Once you get to that point, you will be able to start breaking up with him and getting him out of the house. Understand, though, that you may end up having to go to the police to get them to help you get him out of your house.
 

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Discussion Starter #73
Hello, after some days of silence I start again to write, I am gaining self confidence and this allows me to be stronger. Now I am treating him with detachment. I don't accept anymore any physical contact and even in home I am.not cooking for him anymore. Now I got a kitten and I am focusing on this pet. He is getting jealous and he is starting to say that the pet loves him more than me but me I just remind him that who is taking care for everything about the kitten is me and only me, he just gives order to me and play with the kitten in a way that I don't like. And kitten is not ignorant , knows who is making effort and every time makes me happy with lot of sweetness. I am throwing out my boyfriend, I need some time but I am on my way
Any suggestions??
 

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Danyy, WHY? Why do you think about going to ANY man?

You don't need a man, Danyy. It's clear you can take care of yourself, buy your own home, furnish it, feed yourself.

Why do you 'need' a man?

Work on yourself. Find a therapist and start going until you learn to love and value yourself. Stay away from men. PLEASE.
Yes. I agree. Counselling is required.
 

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Why do you need some time?

IIWY, I would find his best friend, tell him that you are kicking BF out and will he come and get his clothes and other stuff.
 

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Are you really going to kick him out? Or are you hoping that he will get sick of you ignoring him and not being his servant so he will leave? What is holding you back from sending him packing right now?

You do realize that living with you is still better for him than his actual home. Your place is significantly more comfortable for him even if he has to do other things to care for himself. He isn't going anywhere unless you make him leave your home. Don't be passive/aggressive. Simply tell him that he needs to pack up and go. You have already made great progress. You can do this!
 
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