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She says she is just not interested anymore. She says the anti-depressants have killed her drive.

Which I might understand but it does not account for the lack of any emotional attachment. During her midlife crisis she pulled back from the relationship and after a while I did, too. She was too flaky and could not decide if she really wanted to stay or go and this went on for a while. I went into self preservation mode and became emotionally detached, also. I worried about my kids and focused on myself. Now she tells me she likes it this way and says we have a great relationship. I told her we have no relationship. We go days without any real talk and we pretty much do everything separately. I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.

I am emotionally numb to her. I have been pushed away so many times that I just quit caring. I don't know if I wanted to stay if I could make it work now.

I think you married my wife. Welcome to my world. No sex for the last 17 months. I have decided to go now that the kids have grown up. I would have liked to rebuild the marriage, but I can't do it on my own. She detached years ago and so did I. Good luck!
 

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Now she tells me she likes it this way and says we have a great relationship. I told her we have no relationship. We go days without any real talk and we pretty much do everything separately. I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.
This situation will be really tough to rectify. Not only is there not any affection or intimacy, there's not really any sort of emotional relationship at all. There's not much of an emotional connection to build upon. You guys have shared experiences and memories, but that's not enough of a foundation to build a marriage upon.

I think you may have to do something drastic if there's any hope. You need to do something like move out and file for divorce. Either it will shock her so much that she has an epiphany and changes, or else nothing will change and you'll be taking the first steps on your way to a new life.
 

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I'm 70yo and see you as still very young. You've raised your kids and gave them nice family memories. Now you've got time for yourself (and a whole new life) and to find someone that is crazy about you (and you her).

I think you're really asking how to break the news to your wife.

One approach is to start IC for yourself (and discuss your life goals etc) .... and then get her to join you ... identify the issues and then lead her gently to the conclusion that divorce is good for both of you.

I wish you both well.
 

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I'm 70yo and see you as still very young. You've raised your kids and gave them nice family memories. Now you've got time for yourself (and a whole new life) and to find someone that is crazy about you (and you her).

I think you're really asking how to break the news to your wife.

One approach is to start IC for yourself (and discuss your life goals etc) .... and then get her to join you ... identify the issues and then lead her gently to the conclusion that divorce is good for both of you.

I wish you both well.
Robert really nailed it with this. I agree with his approach and conclusion. All the best.
 

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She is far from perfect but I do not think she is a cheater. You cannot ever be 100% for certain but I do not think she would cheat.

We have always told each other that we would end it before we did that.
Said EVERY betrayed spouse before they found out the truth. All signs point to a pretty torrid affair where she invested way too much of herself into it, and once it was over, she had nothing left to reinvest into you. That's why things have never been the same since her supposed 'mid-life crisis.' I'm willing to bet my life on it.

I've always said when a woman is done, she's done - and your wife is done. I'm not sure whether she's hanging around because she's financially dependent on you or whether she's just complacent as hell like you are. But she's done.

Your marriage is on life support at this point. Give it a mercy killing already. :(
 

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Which I might understand but it does not account for the lack of any emotional attachment. During her midlife crisis she pulled back from the relationship and after a while I did, too. She was too flaky and could not decide if she really wanted to stay or go and this went on for a while.
Yeah, OP. That was an affair.

I think she wanted to leave during her midlife crisis but she chickened out.
Yeah, OP. That was an affair.

It sounds like she would have left if the timing and circumstances were right. There are a number of reasons why she may not have left if she was having an affair - if her affair partner was married, there was no future for her in that, so why leave? And if he was single, it's highly likely he didn't want to take on a married woman along with her angry betrayed husband, her unhappy kids, and all the drama and baggage that comes with a married woman. It's also totally possible that she felt too much responsibility and loyalty (crazy, right?) toward you and your kids and didn't want to break the family apart. There are a million more reasons (fear of the unknown - the devil that you DO know..., fear of looking like a complete POS for having an affair and breaking her family up over it, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.)

But yeah. It was very very very likely an affair.
 

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With her marriage she is already %100 finished. She is only holding on for security now.

You are not at all likely to EVER get the emotionally intertwined marriage you seek.

The love ship has sailed long ago.
 
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