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Discussion Starter #41
I will try to bring some sense into her on that. as a matter of fact she's received a complaint from the school already about our 11 years old. The school wants to talk to her on Monday they said in the letter that the kid is very angry and is turning violent ever since he came back from the Thanksgiving break. and they said they would like to know what is going on out of school because it is affecting the kid. She shared the letter with me and said she's not going to show up. All i said was ok perhaps not a good idea but i think and i know it's the situation that's starting to take a toll on the kid already because he's older and realizes his mom exposed him to someone else who is not his dad and it is wrong and she doesn't care but instead get angry at him for telling me the truth. It is very very painful for me to witness it all.
 

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I thank you all for all the words of wisdom the advices and the harsh words too which i deserve. there's is no excuse for what I did all those years. I will never own it enough. i made huge mistakes that I wish i could erase from my life. Am very ashamed of myself to the point it's taking a tremendous amount of energy just to talk about it to anyone. As i previously mentioned here i will keep updates here every now and then. she still allows me to talk to her and the lord knows i appreciate that more than my life. Today we spoke and she agreed she will never introduce the kids to anyone anymore and definitely not to that man again (Tim). I caused this to myself to my marriage to my wife and to my kids. I should be and will be the one to fix it. I have no excuse and am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I know i will never be sorry enough for a lot of people. I can see that here and i understand i deserve it. but to those who have more wisdom than i do i appreciate your words gor the way forward. your advises and your predictions about this situation that i caused. It takes sometimes a lot for some of us to learn what others know as simple facts. I was a very bad person but today I've learned a great deal and the lord knows i want to be out of this skin in which i feel trapped.
Jimjon,, none wants to castigate you just pointing out that you must own your role in the mess. You are showing that you have got this and showing some remorse which is a start.

However, it seems to me that your whole family are crying out for you to step up to the plate and be a man who leads his family. YOu leave the issue of your son to your wife, shrug your shoulders and go back to your job in another state abdicating all responsibility? What is wrong with you!

YOur family needs you there with them, your kids need you there with them. Your marriage is in shambles not just because of your cheating but because you decided to piss off to another state. You blame your wife's upbringing etc but what are you doing to help your family? Nothing except pass the buck it seems. You come on here to bemoan your life, so what are you going to do about it. Do you want to end up with kids who are delinquent, cut themselves, get into drugs, etc? Your pain is not important now, you created this mess, now do right by your kids FFS!

The best thing is to be the best man you can be for your kids and for yourself. It is likely your wife has checked out a long time ago, there is only some much a spouse will take till they tip over.
Only you know if the marriage is salvageable or not. If that is the road you want to pursue both of you must be fully in it, but it will be a long hard road. It will need much therapy and the rebuilding of trust, compassion and love. Some have done it but it is not for the fainthearted.
If you cannot see that happening, then do the right thing. Talk to your spouse about it, what she expects what you expect or how you see the future. Perhaps you can come to some arrangement.

Be a man, a leader of your family and do the right thing, otherwise someone else will be, it is your choice, the longer you wallow, the worse it will be.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
Thank you for the wisdom. First of all let me start by saying i caused this mess and i can never owned it enough. I am ashamed of myself and I purposely left out the part that i supported and still support my wife and family financially. i did not move to another state by choice it was to get a better job so they and i would live better. i currently maintain 2 households and this was supposed to stop this current December. that was the agreement when i left but with this situation it doesn't seem like it can happen. I am planning on going back there and stick it around for about a month. Seat down again with her and have a real conversation because the last one we had she wanted space and time which I am trying to give her now. In the meantime the situation like you said is getting out of control and am running out of patience in regard to the way it is destroying the kids. i will follow your advice and head over there in 3 weeks or in January. Those 3 weeks look to ke like an eternity but it's the time am giving her since she asked for time
 

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Discussion Starter #44
I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time
 

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I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time
For the same reasons you cheated and didn't tell her you were doing so. She doesn't want to give up the comforts of being married to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #47
If she's willing to destroy her own kids future for revenge and money then she's certainly worse than a cheater. today she went to the 11year old school and they said he's been out of control because his parents are splitting. I spoke to her and she had harsh words for the kids saying a kid can't control her and i tried to tell her calm yourself down and be easy on him his reaction is normal. She comes from a home where there was constant separation one of her mom husband after raising her for almost 5 years when she was still 10 told her she wasn't his and that he wanted nothing to do with her and she told me that day her world shattered cuz she loved him so much called him daddy and believed firmly he was her dad. to this day shes bitter at the then hunsband of her mom. Money and revenge will only destroy her kids. Am a hard worker and certainly don't have a problem caring for my kids. I moved to another state to care for them not for me. I can afford the basic in this life but i can't afford to not be able to provide them with a stable home. That's my worry
 

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When my friend was contemplating divorce she told me the best advice she received in regards for her children's well being was that "it's better to be from a broken home than in a broken home".

Meaning that children are intuitive and feed off the energy in the home. If the adults caring for them are constantly fighting/cheating it's going to cause more harm than mommy and daddy getting a divorce.

My friend is now divorced and her children are healthy happy and feel safe. She waited a full year to introduce them to her new boyfriend and only goes on dates when they are with their dad.

Therapy for everyone sounds like it's in order.
 

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Discussion Starter #49
I think your advises sound a lot reasonable and make sense. A broken home is a danger to everyone including the adults i agree. I am willing to do whatever it takes to see those kid grow the way it is supposed to. if their mom think moving is im her best interest i will not oppose her but as i mentioned originally introducing the kids to anyone new just because you feel comfortable next to them is wrong to the extreme. have sleep overs at a man house with your 5 year old and her dad not being aware of that not knowing the man it is very wrong. so far i have seen no one here say she did that part right. She never took the 11 year old there why? Because she knew in the back of her mind it was wrong and the kid could turn into something else but she knew it was wrong. She did took them to dinner with that man on the 11 year old birthday then on her own birthday the kid will remember that in the future and will probably look at her differently. I admire what your friend did. She went on date only when the dad had his kids. I have so much respect for that. I am the number one cheater but i never ever had a sleep over with any woman with my kids involved because my wrongdoings should not involve them. Also i am available all she has to do is say take your kids i need time to myself i never refused that never will and i actually offered to stay home with the kids when i was around so she could have some free time to herself. She told me the kids had a week vacation the min she said that i flew to them picked them up and had a blast with them for a week. she could have done the same those times when she introduced them to a stranger. the good news she agreed yesterday not to introduce them to anyone in the future or to that same man again. It wasn't common sense to her but she eventually agreed
 

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Discussion Starter #50
My wife has been in therapy for her daddy issues and is still in therapy right now for it.
 

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Dude you brought this lifestyle into your marriage she is just following the dynamic. Unfortunately you can't put the genie back in the box. Sound like it's over. I suggest you sit your wife down and talk about life post marriage. It's time for you to move to divorce mode, cold clinical divorce mode.
 

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Discussion Starter #52
Ok sir thank you i will definitely explore that route once i sot her down in a few days when i get there.
 

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I think your advises sound a lot reasonable and make sense. A broken home is a danger to everyone including the adults i agree. I am willing to do whatever it takes to see those kid grow the way it is supposed to. if their mom think moving is im her best interest i will not oppose her but as i mentioned originally introducing the kids to anyone new just because you feel comfortable next to them is wrong to the extreme. have sleep overs at a man house with your 5 year old and her dad not being aware of that not knowing the man it is very wrong. so far i have seen no one here say she did that part right. She never took the 11 year old there why? Because she knew in the back of her mind it was wrong and the kid could turn into something else but she knew it was wrong. She did took them to dinner with that man on the 11 year old birthday then on her own birthday the kid will remember that in the future and will probably look at her differently. I admire what your friend did. She went on date only when the dad had his kids. I have so much respect for that. I am the number one cheater but i never ever had a sleep over with any woman with my kids involved because my wrongdoings should not involve them. Also i am available all she has to do is say take your kids i need time to myself i never refused that never will and i actually offered to stay home with the kids when i was around so she could have some free time to herself. She told me the kids had a week vacation the min she said that i flew to them picked them up and had a blast with them for a week. she could have done the same those times when she introduced them to a stranger. the good news she agreed yesterday not to introduce them to anyone in the future or to that same man again. It wasn't common sense to her but she eventually agreed
Some really weird narcissism going on here.

I cheated, but she did it around the kids.
I cheated, but she introduced a stranger to the kids
I cheated, but the kids will remember her cheating.
I cheated, but when she did it was worse.
I cheated, but she should have thought about the kids when she did.

She’s done with you and I do not think it is about money or revenge or the counseling. No, you screwed up and she followed in your footsteps.

Is it her Newfound independence that bothers you or “how dare she cheat on me” that is the issue?

her cheating is wrong, but your scale balancing tells me you didn’t learn anything from your behavior. Sorry, I for one do not buy “it is all about the kids.” That reason should have stopped you from serial cheating. This is just a way for you to minimize your actions and make hers worse.
 

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Discussion Starter #54
I am not minimizing my actions at all again read all my posts and answers on here i keep on saying i will never be sorry enough. i did wrong feel disgusted in my own skin. Should i say ok she introduced the kids to someone new i got what i deserve ok move on? This isn't about me wether you buy it or not. Most people here understand my concern about the kids if you don't then you're too focus on me and my past actions. Forget about me and look at what the kids are going through are exposed to. One is already having issues with that in school. What is normal to you? A split then every parent can i introduce the kids to whoever they sleeping with? That's sound ideal for the kids to you? My concern is the kids. my past actions are my past actions in the present i am not cheating and in the present the kids are being exposed to different men figures. It is wrong and she understands that already and dhe already agreed to put a stop to that and i previously mentioned that on here too. There's no need to look for the narcissist in me i cheated and i can't take it back however i can still do a lot for those kids it's my duty as their father. i will work on it till i figure out the best way forward not for me but them
 

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Discussion Starter #55
She's always been independent. i ever trapped her in any way. the kids well being is my concern not the independence she's always had
 

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Discussion Starter #56
She can cheat as long as she wants how dare she introduce the kids to her cheating partner is the real question get it?
 

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Discussion Starter #57
She's done with me good. But when her daughter gets molested in a home somewhere then my concern today will be revisited . And it happens way too often in this wolrd so i can't ignore that. I am concerned whenever my kids are introduced to another man especially my daughter if you can't understand that then you're probably a different type of parent
 

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Jimjon, I do understand what you are saying. It is clear that you have owned up to your wrongdoing and are prepared to pay the price for that.

However, what she has done and is still doing is also wrong and, as you say, destructive to the kids.

You need to now get tough:


  • Sit her down and say to her that you will not tolerate her behaviour with regards to the kids.
  • Lawyer up and as others have said, initiate a cold, clinical divorce.
  • As you will need to support your kids, do protect your finances else your money could end up being spent on some boyfriend of hers.
  • Do not hold on to the idea that you will not initiate divorce and will wait until she does - this will not be of any good to anyone. You need to make a decision once you have sat down with her and read her the riot act on what will be acceptable when it comes to your kids and then if she is not compliant, go full speed ahead with the divorce.
  • Find out more about Tim. He may well be a threat to your kids - you do not appear to know enough about him especially since your kids have been around him now and also your daughter has had to sleepover at his house while your wife is busy screwing him. This is worse than cheating - by far!
  • Definitely work on yourself to become the best parent you can be. I am not saying that you need to treat her badly or unfairly in the divorce, but it sounds like you are prepared to be the stable parent and that is good.
  • You need to find out more about Tim and tell his wife or ex-wife what is going on. You may find out more info that way too.
  • As for why she is not telling you she is done is very clear - as others have said: stability, money, revenge etc. Do not expect anything better or more from her.

Stay strong, be resolute in your decisions and follow through. I agree that the well-being of your kids is at stake here.
 

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I am also very pro reconciliation when possible.

You have done too much to save this, and you should set her free. Since she seems to not be able to leave you, even though you are a high count cheater, (and she absolutely should leave you,she may take you back yet again, but she will never forgive you fully. Plus, she deserves to move on to a healthy relationship for the first time in her life.

So, here you are. You are still a dad. You need to stop being so selfish, permanently. Step up, and become a dad who is in the same state as his children so he can see them every week. I’m guessing if you don’t, your nemesis Tim will be the only daddy your 5 year old remembers much about later in her life. He will share all her memories, and much of your 11 year olds. You will share a few weeks a year. Cause and effect. Repercussions of very bad choices. We all get hit between the eyes with these things.

I never think it is good for a husband and wife to live in two different states. The result is rarely anything good. Don’t make that mistake again if you ever get remarried.

I had to like this twice. Spicy is correct.
 
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