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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello all. New to the forum. Just looking to get a different prospective. Sometime I can't see the forest for the trees. I have never been on a forum before, so my apologies if I'm a little slow.

I'm looking for advise. I've been married for 15 years. I work in the oil and gas industry so I work rotating schedules.

Ok here we go! I'm 52 and my wife is 54. She has been a stay at home mom for years (God Bless her). For years my wife and I have had an amazing sex life. As with all people, as we've gotten older our bodies have started to change. She has a very curvy voluptuous figure. 5'1" 130lbs. I think she is the most sexy and attractive woman in the world (I'm a very lucky man). Recently (past 3 year) our sex life has dropped off tremendously. I'm away from home 4 weeks at a time. When I come home for a week I'm lucky to have sex with my wife once. I still find her attractive as hell after all these years, but it feels like the spark has left our marriage. I tell her daily how much she means to me and how beautiful I think she is. Mind you, she has gone thru menopause and I'm trying my best to research it so I can better understand what she's going thru.

So my question is . . . Should I be worried about infidelity or am I just not understanding what menopause does to a woman. I've talked to my wife and she tells me she would never do that, but I've found lingerie that I've never seen her in and she told me she bought it but was to ashamed to wear it for me. I get it but, why not just tell me in the first place. I love my wife but my mind is starting to wonder WTF is going on.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
 

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Has anything else changed? Like she joined a group she seems to have all her time invested in? Is she ever unavailable by phone when you are out of town? Do you know how she spends most of her time? Has she mentioned new friends or a particular friend?
 

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Well, let me say a four years ago when I was 53, caught my FWW having affair. Don’t just blame your current situation on menopause. You are gone four weeks at a time. My question is what does she do while you are away? Trust your gut sir. You suspect something or you would not be here.

I became suspicious as our sex life dropped to zero. I got into detective mode, search emails, phone, and house. I found a bunch of sexy lingerie in our guest room closet.

Be vigilant. She is likely wearing it for someone else. Eyes open mouth shut.
 

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Welcome to TAM.

I haven’t been thru menopause yet, so I can’t help ya there. Maybe that is the reason.

What reason does she give you for the drop off in your sex life? Have you asked her directly? Communication is so important.

Easy things to do if you suspect infidelity. Does she guard her phone when she is around you? Does it have a passcode, and do you know it? If you can, get into her phone and read the messages. Emails. Look for chatting apps. Check her social media DMs. Check your phone bill and look at the numbers she’s been texting and the amount of them.

Then before you leave for next time, install a VAR in the main place you think she talks on the phone. Your bedroom, her car, etc. That would most likely be full of answers after 4 weeks if she is cheating.

Hopefully it’s menopause. I like that answer better than cheating. Sorry you are here, but welcome to TAM.
 

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I think it's lying by omission, not telling you about the lingerie. Especially after 15 yrs marriage, why the secrets then? Who did she talk about then but doesn't mention now ( male friends) or did you ask another friend to go by and check in on her?

Alot you won't know what she does with her free time. Good advice already has been given to you. Get on your cell bill and check out the phone #'s and amount of text messages. And if you are seeing calls after what normal visiting time are being made those will be the giveaways.

Do not challenge her with anything until you know for a fact it's not a normal thing she should be doing. And check your credit card charges for male purchased items. If the bills are gone get a post office box and have them sent there. If you expose too early she will just get better at hiding.

Sorry your here but your gut and her pretty things she didn't share with you are what's called Red flags
 

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Maybe menopause does cause a decrease in libido in some women, but I'm post menopause (almost 56) and have zero problems in that department. But again, some women do have problems like dryness, etc, that make sex uncomfortable. My gyno for the past few years has been asking me if I have issues with that at my exam and my reply is "If I ever do, you'll be the second person to know." Lol. But his point was there's things he can prescribe to help if that ever becomes a problem. You might ask her if there's anything that's making sex uncomfortable for her.

Also, have you always worked away for 4 weeks at time or is this a more recent thing? If it's more recent she may be feeling resentful of you being away for weeks and has trouble getting in the mood because of that. (And unfortunately, that resentment could lead to an affair, if it hasn't already).

The lingerie looks a bit suspicious - it might be "shame" as she said, but for me, in that case, I'd either return it or discard it if I didn't like the way I looked in it.

I guess try to have a calm discussion with her about why she's not been in the mood and keep your eyes open as others have suggested.
 
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