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Discussion Starter #1
A warm hello to all.

I've been browsing the forums for a few days and finally summoned the chutzpah to join your community.

I won't go straight into what brought me here - jumping straight from "hello" to "can you help me" seems a bit disrespectful to everyone.

I will say that what I've read thus far has already lifted me up, a LOT. I've read tons of differing opinions/advice on every thread I've checked out; but they're genuine, which is not an easy thing to find online these days.

I'm looking very forward to becoming part of your community.
 

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Welcome. I haven’t found how to exit here yet. So jump in and get posting with what’s on your mind. A lot of good folks with opinions and keyboards are at the ready 😊
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you all very much for the warm welcome. Is it OK to post here, or should I pick a specific forum?
 

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Thank you all very much for the warm welcome. Is it OK to post here, or should I pick a specific forum?
You’ll get a more widely read response if you post to a specific section.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I've never bared my soul to another person like this, much less a bunch of people; but, here goes...

My wife is currently engaged in an EA (possibly more) with a male coworker. I don't know when it started; all I can tell you is when I first noticed a huge red flag.

Roughly 3 months ago, I was browsing the phone usage data on our cell plan and noticed a particular phone number popping up on her line alot. So much so, I downloaded 4 months worth of data into a spreadsheet and started running numbers.

What I found in that 4 months was disturbing; around 100 calls and over 1200 texts between them. I ran the numbers and the breakdown looked something like this:
  • Who initiated each session was split roughly 55/45 (he was the 55%)
  • The conversation times were almost a perfect, even split; 50% during working hours and 50% after (I gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't start the "at home" clock til 7:00 p.m.
  • Out of 122 days captured, there were only 10 with no contact
  • In terms of other persons she texted in those 4 months, I came in a distant 2nd with 372 messages
  • Several hundred of these messages occurred after 11:00 p.m.
That last bullet-point is significant because, in the 35 years I've known her, my wife has always a turn-in-early person, never staying up past 10:00 p.m., except on rare occasions. I'm usually up well past midnight, so every night is always the same. Around 9:30'ish, she tells me she's exhausted, kisses me goodnight then heads to the bedroom. She's a very light sleeper and, because of that, she knows I will not walk in the bedroom til I'm ready to turn in, because I don't want to wake her unnecessarily.

Unfortunately, I confronted her with what I'd found, before I found this site. Predictably, her first response was "Oh that number belongs to *. We're just friends".

What she did next is what got the alarm bells ringing. Even though I'd given her the same text ratio breakdown I listed above, she still lied to me about several things. She said they didn't text each other very much (ridiculous lie) and, when they did, it was always * who intiated the contact (proven lie) they never texted outside work hours (proven lie) and it was pretty much always work-related.

At that point in the conversation, she said she needed to go to the bathroom. I didn't realize she'd taken her phone, until it was too late. When she got back, I said if the texts were all work-related, she shouldn't mind letting me take a look at them. She said she wouldn't mind at all, but she'd "deleted a bunch of text messages the day before and, unfortunately, all the ones from * were gone".

That was another lie. I got my hands on her phone later that night and she hadn't deleted anything except the messages she traded with him.

She said I was worried about nothing; but, she would still tell * the texting had to stop, for my sake. Well, the texting/calling between them did stop that night...on her phone. They now use her work phone and, ever since, she never lets that out of her sight. Prior to my confronting her, she always left both her personal and work phones plugged in on the kitchen counter when she went to bed. Now her work phone has become part of her body.

Before I take the next step, I'd really like some objective opinions on what all of you feel is going on between the two of them. Even if it is innocent contact between friends (I'm not stupid...it's not), she told me she'd stop then didn't. I'm a coiled spring right now. The only thing I want to do is meet her at the door with a bag full of her clothes and tell her to hit the road and hope her friend and his wife won't mind taking her in.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Please don't think I was ignoring your advice, hearts. I just had no idea how to go about posting somewhere else.
 

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We have bad news for you. Your worst suspicions are probably correct. Not only is she telling on herself with her behavior, she's not even good at hiding it.
 

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Contact the POSOMs wife and let HER know what is going on. You know your wife is lying. If you really need more proof, get a PI.

Also, if you have her regular phone, you can use software to try and get back those deleted texts -- you probably should.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I actually have the personal phone she was using when I confronted her. We upgraded phones not long after that and I kept her old one.

I've tried to root it several times, so I can recover the messages; but it fails every time. And, from what I've read, the apps that are supposed to work directly on the phone, don't.

I'm just kind of lost right now. 29 years of marriage...if she's done with me, why not just TELL me that?
 

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The one thing. We’re just friends is the biggest lie told here.

All cheaters lie a lot. A lot! She will never tell you the truth.
Most betrayed spouses come here saying emotional affair or EA. Mainly because they are in denial that it’s a physical or sexual affair.
Deleted texts can be recovered using Fonelab. You’ll need her password.
Like you confronted without adequate proof and now theyll take it deeper underground.

If you wallow in this it’ll drag out a long long time. Do not linger in this.

You only need proof enough for you. Like most you’ll want concrete evidence. Right now that will be in her phone.
Get her phone password and do a deleted text recovery or you will give her control.

Do not tell her what you’re doing !!!!!!

Never cry, beg or plead. That will just lower your status even more while making her lover look even better.

Wake up get strong and stay there. If not this will be much worse. She will take control of you don’t.
 

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No more confrontations without more proof. Mouth shut, eyes and ears open. I’m assuming you want to try and save this?
If not get a good divorce attorney and file.
 

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Two things you need to read and understand.


Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. READ IT.

Reading and understanding is great but if you don’t apply it it’s worthless.

You‘d better understand your wife is a very typical cheater there is nothing special about her at All. They follow the cheater script for the most part. Lie, hide and deny.

The main thing is get the text recovered from the phone. If you can’t do it hire it done!!! She’s way ahead of you. Do not loiter in this.
 

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I actually have the personal phone she was using when I confronted her. We upgraded phones not long after that and I kept her old one.

I've tried to root it several times, so I can recover the messages; but it fails every time. And, from what I've read, the apps that are supposed to work directly on the phone, don't.

I'm just kind of lost right now. 29 years of marriage...if she's done with me, why not just TELL me that?
Shes a cake eater. Her affair trumps everything. You don’t matter. Cheaters lie.
Understand that her affair is a conscious choice or decision she made. You did not cause it. It’s 100% on her.

You can control you. Nothing else at this time.

Take the phone to an expert, PI, etc but get it done. ASAP
 

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Once you get the data off the phone. Inform her other mans wife immediately If he’s married. Don’t make the mistake of helping hide their affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE. They will conspire against you.

TAKE CONTROL or suffer longer. Its the best way to try and break an affair.

Affairs work only in secret and the dark. Unless the affair ends you have nothing to work with.
 
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