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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need help! My husband of 5 years has cheated on me, we have always had an amazing marriage. Little fights nothing major ever. He recently started working in Alaska where he goes for two weeks and then hes home for two weeks. I have felt like it has brought us closer being away from each other for 2 weeks at a time. Two weeks ago when he got in to Alaska his flight was canceled and all the guys had to stay in the hotel a night instead of flying directly to the mine site like usual, they all went out drinking and he ended up bringing a girl back to his hotel room and having sex with her. unprotected and everything. I am so crushed. I have always trusted him we have 3 kids, I am at a total loss on what to do. He just got home Friday and when I picked him up at the airport he told me about it. I can tell he is hurt by it as well he has lost 15lbs since I seen him last, and tells me he is sorry and it will never happen again. He is an amazing father and I always thought he was an amazing husband as well. He tells me he will quit his job and never drink again, but I feel as if I will never be able to get past this. :confused:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He flew to alaska on Jan.9th it happened on the 10th. He got home on Friday and told me. So its been a couple weeks but I just found out.
 

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I am assuming he told you. It doesn't seem like you found out about this affair by the normal bad behaviors WS show...

The DDay is an initial shock, right to the core of your inner self. It will take some time to calm down. You might lose weight, not sleep, be entirely stressed out etc... You may want to see a doctor and tell him what is going on and he might be able to help with some medicine to help you relax.

You have to decide what you want. Some people can get over the betrayal. Some people cannot. Before you make any decisions on what you want, you should really come to grips with yourself.

You should sit down and really think of what you want out of life, and then see if your H will fit into your ideas. There is no wrong decision in this.

If you think you can Reconcile, the path ahead will be long and painful, but can have a great and meaningful ending...

If you think divorce is needed, the path ahead will be long and painful, but you can be a new you and go through a sort of metamorphosis.

I am truly sorry you are here. Some people here would never forgive a wayward spouse, some would. You have to decide what is right for you. It will be tough either way, but the pain you have now will lessen over time.

Your H seems remorseful. Losing significant weight is not normal for a WS. The choice to whether you can forgive him or not is yours to make. No matter what everyone here says, it is your choice and you will probably make it 100+ times and your answers may vary.

I had to make my choice 100 times... I will R D R D R D... finally D and she forced that but it is ok. Be good with yourself. Focus on yourself.

I am not sure if your H had a ONS... Most WS here had fairly long term affairs...
 

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Right now you are in a lot of pain and have lots of questions.

I just want you to know that you CAN get past this and trust him again, if you want to. Its a long road and it takes a lot of work on both parts, mostly his.

I think its a huge step that he came home and told you about it without you finding out yourself. He didnt have to do that. He obviously feels bad about it if he has lost weight over it.

Take some time and figure out what YOU want and then tell him and make him do the heavy lifting...he owes it to you!
 

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Poor you. I can totally understand your pain and devastation. It sounds like he is also devastated, and to his credit he did tell you straight away. He could have decided never to tell you.

If I was in your situation, I would consider carefully what you want to do. This has been a horrible physical betryal, but NOT an affair. It never had any emotional or mental intimacy which is probably more important in many ways. Is it worth throwing away a good marriage for one stupid, thoughtless night? I wouldn't think so, but you will need to do some work.

He has to understand how much he has hurt you. And don't let him off lightly. Tell him to get along to the local STD clinic and get checked out. That should be humiliating enough for him.

Leaving his job is not the answer. You can never be with him at all times. This is going to be a long job for him to regain your trust in him. By the sound of it, I think you have something worth fighting for. Don't let some two bit tramp destroy your lives, your marriage and your childrens lives.

Be kind to yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Wow! Thanks so much for all the replys. He did tell me right away and I can tell hes sorry, but I have always had a problem with being able to let things go. It just hurts so bad, I never even saw it coming. It was a one night stand. I am glad I posted here. Thanks so much for your kind words! And he has already set up a dr. appt. on his own the day he got back for STDS.
 

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Crushed, you just have to take one day at a time. If you truly love him and you both want to be together, you will be able to work through this ! :)
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. It has been 3 months since D Day for me and I found out two days ago who my H had an affair with and I feel like I'm going through the beginning stages all over again. It's very hard to concentrate, sleep and eat. Reality has disappeared and it's a daily struggle , questioning to D or R. I do give him credit for telling you, that sounds like a start. I wish you the best!
 

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You DO NOT 'let it go'. You demand accountability. Your husband fvcked up ROYALLY and he does NOT get off the hook here.

Start by reading the newbie link in my signature. There is a LOT of info in there you need to know.

Do not think of it as 'just' a ONS. This is not 'just' anything. He cheated on you and now he gets to pay the price.

First, he does seem to be doing everything right so far. Confessing and STD testing. What is his attitude like? Is he trying to minimize what he did at all or tell you you don't need to talk about it?

He must open his life completely up to you. I do not know how you can possibly trust him the next time he goes up north for 2 weeks! If you can't then he needs to find a job where he is NOT gone like that, ever. If you need it, this is a condition of reconciliation. If you do not think you need it, he still must become completely transparent to you while he is there. He skypes you from his room every night, leaves it on while he sleeps even so you can see him. And NO MORE BARS. Period.

His phone, emails, computer etc must all also be totally available to you to have a look at whenever you want to, no questions asked.

He also needs to get into some IC to figure out why the hell he did this to you.

Then if he behaves himself for a month or two you can consider MC.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I do truly love him and I can tell by his attitude and look of guilt and regret in his eyes that he is truly sorry. His life has always been completely open to me phone,emails, computer all of it. I think that's why I'm so shocked. I knew he was going out that night and it never even crossed my mind that this was something I would have had to worry about. I have never been in this much pain before. I know it will always be in the back of my mind what he did. I'm so happy to have found this site to help me through. He will definitely have a lot of work to do I'm not letting him off easy at all. He did screw things up pretty bad. Thank you all for your advise, and please keep it coming.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Honestly if I cant trust him while he is at work then I don't want to be with him end of story. So I told him I do not want him to quit his job. But I guess we will see how I feel when he leaves again next week, all that could change right now im still in shock.
I have not set anything up yet but he did say if I want him on face time the entire time he is gone he will leave his Ipad on. No more bars at all , no alcohol either. They don't allow alcohol at the mine site the only time they can drink is the night before they actually fly into the mine sight and when they fly back.
I honestly feel like I want to hurt him back and the only way I can do that is completely ignore him while hes gone these next 2 weeks. He normally calls/facetimes twice a day while hes gone, except the last two weeks he only called and didn't facetime me and the kids at all. I feel like if I don't take his calls he will know how I am feeling. Is that a good idea I don't know??? Only time will tell I guess.
I think we will get into counseling when he gets back as well. I feel like if we don't I will continue to feel horrible every time I smile or laugh. Its like we will be talking and for a split second I will smile or laugh at something and then realize I don't want to laugh, he cant make me smile I am still mad. I don't want him to think even for a second that I'm not hurting. I just need help to figure out how to deal. I have never been betrayed in my life. :mad:
 

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But you CAN'T trust him while he's at work. He's proven that already.

Leaving the iPad on the whole time is a good idea I think.

If you refuse to talk to him you'll be giving him a free pass to do whatever he wants to, not punishing him.

I kicked my husband out the day I found out what he was doing and didn't communicate with him except via email for almost 3 months. I was SO furious. I yelled and screamed and threw things at him and got drunk the night I found out, then kicked him out. You SHOULD be angry at him, and let him know it.

Everything you're feeling is completely normal. You have years of healing ahead of you. Have you asked him for a full disclosure of exactly what happened and everything he did? Is this something you want?

Have you read the newbie link?

Maybe tell him yes, leave the iPad on, and call you at least twice a day, and let you rant at him. He deserves to be ranted at. And he has to answer any and all questions you ask him, no matter how often you ask them. That's the least he can take for the two weeks he's gone. But promise yourself you will stop ranting when he gets back. If you're going to R you do have to stop sooner rather than later.

Meanwhile start the 180. The 180 is for you, to help you feel better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I have been drunk the last 3 days yelling at him, screaming, all that! I want to kick him out so bad, but I cant do that to the kids when they haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I cant bring myself to do that. If he was home every night with them and he did this he would be out in a heartbeat. To make it worse we just moved to a new city where I don't know anyone. We also move in to our new house we built this weekend, which is horrible its supposed to be the happiest time in my life and now im stuck in a 30 year loan with a CHEATER!!! Start the 180 NOW I like it! He does answer all me questions about that night but Im not sure I want to know everything!
 

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Rare indeed it is for a cheater to confess like your husband did.

It is good he is seeing that you are not taking this lightly and are not rushing to reconcile, sweeping it all under the rug. He needs to stop drinking PERIOD If he ever does it is at home, with you and no one else.

Every man is faced with temptation as well as every woman but if we put ourselves in vulnerable positions and allow ourselves the occasion how do we expect to overcome it?
 

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I have been drunk the last 3 days yelling at him, screaming, all that! I want to kick him out so bad, but I cant do that to the kids when they haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I cant bring myself to do that. If he was home every night with them and he did this he would be out in a heartbeat. To make it worse we just moved to a new city where I don't know anyone. We also move in to our new house we built this weekend, which is horrible its supposed to be the happiest time in my life and now im stuck in a 30 year loan with a CHEATER!!! Start the 180 NOW I like it! He does answer all me questions about that night but Im not sure I want to know everything!
Drinking will not help, its a very depressing and ineffective way to cope with the problem. Control your emotions and remain sober at all times. You will notice less confusion in your mind and a more astute manner of dealing with your wayward husband. You need to take care of your health now more so than ever before because you are under a lot of mental and most especially physical stress.

High levels of cortisol which is the stress hormone can cause adrenal fatigue, hair loss, burnout, depression. Focus on your health for your children and marriage sake.
 

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Yeah, staying drunk isn't going to help. Eat. Exercise. Sleep. Relax. Go for walks. Get into some IC. Talk to friends. Don't focus on what he did while he's away - try to get some clarity. Just make him check in with you as much as you need him to and talk to him about whatever you need to talk to him about.

He should be groveling right now.
 

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Yeah, staying drunk isn't going to help. Eat. Exercise. Sleep. Relax. Go for walks. Get into some IC. Talk to friends. Don't focus on what he did while he's away - try to get some clarity. Just make him check in with you as much as you need him to and talk to him about whatever you need to talk to him about.

He should be groveling right now.
Exactly, no privacy, only transparency. Your marriage is different from here until death do you part.
 

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This is a time for SOBER decisions and action Crushed. Please do yourself a favor and stop drinking for now. It will only make matters worse.
 
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