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One other possibility. We've focused on the porn, but what about his only prior sexual experiences being 50 one night stands? Kind of defines casual sex. No prior relationships, just sex with different people. He's used to something different every time. He's not learned what it takes to make a long-term relationship, or even a short-term relationship, keep the fire going.
:iagree:

Yup, and therein lies the problem not only with SunsetOcean but also so many others now whose learned sexual experience is defined by sport-f**king and obsessive porn consumption/masturbation.

Sexual junk food.

It leaves them spiritually calloused, insensitive, oblivious to the bonding implicit/inherent in sexual intimacy. To the point of impotence.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am?? Where’s the intimacy in that?

Crippled for love.

Sad.
 

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Hi everyone,



Any advice will be so much appreciated!
First of all, do you climax on your own? If you do then the issue is between you two, If not then you may have an underlying issue on your own which you may be projecting onto your partner.

If she has issues with low self esteem, it may be that the issues increase if she now thinks she is causing you problems. A lof of women would have lower self esteem if their men stopped climaxing with them. Its almost confirmation that they are not woman enough. So in a way your reaction to sex with her may be adding to her low self esteem and causing her deep psychological issues which make it harder to improve.

There are a lot of women who never ever take a lead in sex in their homes. If they initiate at all it is never direct and the man has to guess whether they want to or not. Yet if he does not ask she would complain that he does not have sex with her. But if she knows he will not climax meaning he does not enjoy it with her or he does not love her, why would she initiate?

Not sure what the solution is but you maybe the one to fish her out of the pit she is in by your sexual response.
 

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You mentioned mental health issues.

Do you take medications for this?
A lot of medications for these things do create issues with climaxing, which in turn can cause you to turn to masturbation and porn because it takes you to a different area and then allows you to climax.

If you are on meds, research them and see if they cause any sexual disfunction and if they do, try to find something else that helps but does not have the same side effects and then work through the porn issue as it just could be a coping mechanism to deal with the side effect of the medication.


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My gut instinct is both the porn AND your previous sexual history is causing these climax issues. More than likely your brain has been partially rewired from both of these and also masturbation technique that you mentioned too.

I have a couple of thoughts that might help and also notice some similarities I hear from you, that I see in myself.

I too have trouble climaxing with my girlfriend. But I do make it happen and to look at the positive, she gets added some benefit from it.

A big part of this is my sexual history. My hang up is group sex, partner swapping, being watched, etc... while most people, especially guys, think this sounds amazing, it DOES NOT do any good for your long term sexual health. I believe that you could compare this to your casual hook up history. Both very exciting and also similar generally speaking. I do not recommend anything close to either of these for anyone. It most definitely does damages. But it’s not the end of the world either.

Mentally I have very vivid images and scenarios burned in my head from past experiences. Embarrassingly, sometimes I have to access these memories in order to fulfill my partners expectations of me reaching climax. Thinking about these things is not what I want when I’m with her and over time I access them less and less, but it has helped. I’m working very hard to not “need” do this when we’re having sex. That’s my goal and additionally I don’t discuss that with her yet. I want to, but it’s embarrassing and also could hurt her. It’s my issue, not hers and I want to fix me. I’m not necessarily recommending you do something like this. If you do however, make sure you realize this is not a permanent solution. It’s a crutch and not an ideal one for sure. I do this for her benefit and over time I’ve realized it becomes less and less necessary.

Physically. Masturbation technique and simulating unrealistic sexual contact with yourself will basically numb you. However, I have found a couple of things that can help. 1. If your partner gets really wet, getting her a little more dry by using a towel or even the sheets if that doesn’t bother either of y’all, will seriously help with stimulation from added friction. Actually my girlfriend recommended this idea to me when noticing that it was taking me a little longer than it should have. It worked! Also, instead of getting everything all wet and ready to go beforehand, like is a common ritual for many with saliva and other foreign lubricants to the area(probably because porn), work yourselves together slowly and allow both your bodies natural lubrication to take care of it. The initial stimulation, prior to getting fatigue of working so hard, is a really big plus. 2. There is a technique she can do with two fingers that will simulate extra tightness and that can help. I won’t going to detail on this board and I’m sure you can use your imagination. However if you need to know more detail, PM me lol.

Another thing is going to be her patience with you. If she is getting impatient with you, it will more than likely kill the chance of you reaching climax and in that case you could bring it up in a constructive way. My girlfriend has been extremely patient with me and very helpful. That has very much been a big part of being successful with her in the bedroom. And has allowed me to start dealing with my issues with myself, as opposed to hurting her. And for the record she does know my past sexual history. She knows everything.

I really hope that anything I’ve said here doesn’t offend anybody or break some rules that I’m unaware of. I am legitimately trying to help. If I have, please let me know.

And like everybody else on here has said already. Ditch the porn.

I really, truly hope you can find a way to work this out with yourself. I believe you can.



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Stay and work on your issue, openly and honestly. However... DO NOT marry her or make any other big commitments with her until you either get this resolved, or come to the final conclusion, after putting in the effort, that it isn’t going to change. This is not a small, insignificant issue.




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Thanks for your reply. My masturbation is to porn, yes, I do and have watched a lot of porn since the age of 13 (I'm now 27).

I've never had a prior girlfriend, only one night stands. I've had about 50 one night stands before I got with my girlfriend, and such my only previous sexual experience was with people I had no real emotional attachment to. My current girlfriend is the only person I've had sex with that I've had an emotional attachment to.
You just answered your question. This is the problem.
 

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OP, your issue is seems like the classic porn abuse related stuff.

1) Porn make the mental triggers to orgasm higher to achieve as the person have seen everything already and end up needing higher sexual charged and risky situations to make sex exiting and reach it (like ONS, role playing, swinging, cheating and stuff, and in time the trigger gets harder and harder to achieve) and it only thing that helps is witdrawal from porn (by my experience and showed by scientific research).

2) The grip and feeling and pace and everything from masturbating (with a hand) desensitize you penis making the feel of a vagina seem lose and being with another person who has way different pace than what youre used to with your hand makes it impossible to achieve climax.

3) Madonna x ***** complex (again, triggered by porn).

You case is probably only 1 and 3, because I bet you had no problem climaxing with ONS's who you weren't elotionally envolved with.
 

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Discussion Starter #29
He hasn't been back since the day he started the thread. Apparently, he isn't too worried about it.
That's not true at all, I have been following the responses from my phone where I'm not logged in.

Thank you so much to everybody who has helped with their input and friendly advice.

I'm on Day 9 without any porn or masturbation, and I feel fine about it, and I am increasingly getting aroused by the thought of having sex with my partner. We last had sex 4 days ago, where I was reasonably close to climaxing, but it didn't happen, though it was certainly a step in the right direction.

We're giving it to the weekend and going for it again.

Thanks again all.
 

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Look into the "Madonna - *****" (wh0^e) complex. It throws some light on the very real complex some guys get hung on and it can be a mood killer for the guy.

It's regarding never being able to fully sexually enjoy a partner you care deeply for while you never ever have any problems being fully sexual with a partner you don't really care for you just want to boink her brains out.

Like you feel you're "degrading" some you feel you want to be in a ltr with but if she's potentially "the one" surely she's to much a "good girl" so she can't enjoy sex that much, how can you "be doing that to her" because she's got to be so "proper" to be "the one". Endless loop there.

Your small number of partners hasn't helped you get over this issue. And it's a real thing.

You've only cum twice in two years? Next time you finish yourself on her breasts, and you'll see she won't "faint" because you did.

Limit the porn, yes, but get over yourself here, or she'll be the one to start freaking out over it.

Even the "mothers of our children" like to be fully used and pounded sometimes. And freak out when you don't treat them like a real flesh and blood sexual being.

You don't need more counseling on this.
 

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That's not true at all, I have been following the responses from my phone where I'm not logged in.

Thank you so much to everybody who has helped with their input and friendly advice.

I'm on Day 9 without any porn or masturbation, and I feel fine about it, and I am increasingly getting aroused by the thought of having sex with my partner. We last had sex 4 days ago, where I was reasonably close to climaxing, but it didn't happen, though it was certainly a step in the right direction.

We're giving it to the weekend and going for it again.

Thanks again all.
Glad to see your fingers aren't broken.
 

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Does your girlfriend try to help you come using her hands or by oral if you can’t come by piv? If not, have you asked her to help? After all, there’s more than one way to get there!
 
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