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Hi Everyone,

I am new here, but find myself in a tough situation which doesn't seem to be getting any better. To be honest, I'm just so tired of crying and feeling lost and confused, and I know I am becoming a burden on my friends and family who are all so wonderful in listening to my heartache - so I am hoping someone may have some advice to offer.


My bf and I have been together 2.5 years and have spent 1.5 of those years long distance. Through a complicated series of events he moved to Europe in the spring of 2010, and I eventually made my way over by a stroke of luck on a job also in Europe this past spring - but in a different country. We are now on the same continent and only 1.5 hours flight away, and we try to see each other once a month.

I have to say, I am madly crazy in love with my bf. And I have been almost from the start. He loves me just as much (well I might take out the crazy before his love, but he still loves me very much,) but shows it very differently than I do - and I know with him that those baby steps in showing love are a big deal (it took him 1 year to tell me he loved me.)

The plan for me moving to Europe was that he was going to leave his job (well paid, but he isn't happy there - and he doesn't have many friends where he is living) and move to be with me. He took 2 months off work this summer, and came out here to "test it out" and decided he really didn't like this city and couldn't imagine living here. So now he is back to his city trying to make it work with his job and to meet new people and "organize himself" To add on to that, he also has told me that he loves me and it's obvious how much we both care about each other and want to make it work, but that he thought it would become 100% clear to him in coming here that we were meant to be together and that this was it - and that he still hasn't gotten that feeling. Basically, he isn't sure about us being married in the future, and is feeling confused, but knows he still loves me so he doesn't know what to do.

Funny thing is, I've never even brought up marriage to him! Of course that's what I hope to be working towards, and as I've already said I completely love him and want to be with him. But I really don't know what I'm meant to do now. He won't move here, and I couldn't even ask him to move here if he won't be happy, I know it's a recipe for disaster - not to mention that he just won't come even if I did. And I can't move where he is, mostly because I am essentially working at my dream job - the once in a lifetime opportunity kind - but also because I feel like I have always given him everything I've got, and am willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work (if I hadn't gotten this offer, and if he hadn't told me he would also be ok with moving here, I would have easily moved to be with him!) and if I gave up this job and moved to be with him, I'm sure I would feel resentful because I wouldn't have anything to do where he is and gave up this great opportunity.

So I know there are a lot of issues I am bringing up here, and I'm sorry if it sounds so scattered (that's how I feel at the moment!) but I can't figure out if this relationship is healthy for me anymore. I mean when we are together and happy it's like a high I've never known, I can't deny that I am flying when I'm with him, but when we are apart I feel so lonely and down and just want to talk to him all the time which makes him feel like I'm suffocating him and don't want him to have a life outside of me. I mean, I am in a new city after all and don't have many friends here, so I concentrate a lot of my effort on him. And even though I have this dream job, there is still a huge part of me that wants us to just pick a place where we can be together...and maybe we can even do that, but then what do I do about his questioning our future together?

I am just so upset and struggling right now because I want this to work so badly, but I honestly can't take this feeling of sadness or insecurity that I constantly feel trying to figure out how or where or when we will get to be together, or even if at all. And I don't even want to talk to him about it for fear of dealing with the reality of how difficult our situation is currently and what the end result of that conversation might be, especially now, since he has just booked a flight to come home with me to my family for Christmas.

I just need some help and thoughtful advice. What would you do? And how can I get on with everyday without feeling this overwhelming sadness that I can't be with the person I love?
 
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