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OP, can I ask whether he has a new job, having quit the old one?

Did he actually quit or was he fired because of the relationship?

Does any of the above have any connection to him wanting to come back?

You know your own mind here. You have seen life from the other side whilst separated and you didn’t like it. Well, you gave it a try and you can now say you will make an informed decision. Good luck to you and hope you remember this forum is here for you when you need it.
 

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Yes you are right in what you are saying. I am seriously thinking of letting him come back. Life is not that great on your own either. I don’t think he would do it again because of the amount of hurt and pain that we have all suffered due to him looking for he did. I will still carry on doing what I am, gym, swimming etc. I know to most of you reading this you think I’m mad, crazy even but I don’t feel ready to let him go, I want to see how sorry he is and if we do have a future. I will keep coming in here as you have all helped me in some way with your words.
You have to do what you think is best. After all, we could be wrong. In any case, don't waste your life waiting for a miracle. You're now hopefully better equipped than you were when you got here, so go make it happen. Let us know how it goes.
 

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Yes you are right in what you are saying. I am seriously thinking of letting him come back. Life is not that great on your own either. I don’t think he would do it again because of the amount of hurt and pain that we have all suffered due to him looking for he did. I will still carry on doing what I am, gym, swimming etc. I know to most of you reading this you think I’m mad, crazy even but I don’t feel ready to let him go, I want to see how sorry he is and if we do have a future. I will keep coming in here as you have all helped me in some way with your words.
This is so sad.

I don’t think you are mad or crazy, I think you are so desperate for a way out of the pain he caused you you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and your happiness to make it stop. The really crappy part is the pain doesn't stop when you have him back, because you still remember every day what he was willing to do to you. The two of you are suicidal and codependent. This isn’t going to end well. I hope you will get individual counseling and at least make him start his own counseling before you take his stupid ass back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #284 ·
This is so sad.

I don’t think you are mad or crazy, I think you are so desperate for a way out of the pain he caused you you’re willing to sacrifice yourself and your happiness to make it stop. The really crappy part is the pain doesn't stop when you have him back, because you still remember every day what he was willing to do to you. The two of you are suicidal and codependent. This isn’t going to end well. I hope you will get individual counseling and at least make him start his own counseling before you take his stupid ass back.
I don’t think I will know if I 100% want to be with him until I am if you get me? If I don’t think I will feel that sort of pain as I did when I first started posting on here. This will all be on my terms not his and if I don’t feel it’s working, then we will go our separate ways but at least I will know 100% how I feel. Not sure if anyone will understand that. I don’t feel weak, I feel strong. 2 full days without having a drink, my mind feels sharper. To some you will laugh at 2 days without a drink but for me that’s a big deal. Day 3 now, I am working in the office today, I have counseling later and a meeting with a group of people going through the same thing as me, never done anything like this before so I feel nervous.
 

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I don’t think I will know if I 100% want to be with him until I am if you get me? If I don’t think I will feel that sort of pain as I did when I first started posting on here. This will all be on my terms not his and if I don’t feel it’s working, then we will go our separate ways but at least I will know 100% how I feel. Not sure if anyone will understand that. I don’t feel weak, I feel strong. 2 full days without having a drink, my mind feels sharper. To some you will laugh at 2 days without a drink but for me that’s a big deal. Day 3 now, I am working in the office today, I have counseling later and a meeting with a group of people going through the same thing as me, never done anything like this before so I feel nervous.
I think every one of us in this situation understands every feeling you have. It’s absolutely your decision to make, but it’s also our duty to give you advice. It isn’t easier the second time, it isn’t less painful. The pain doesn’t disappear when you get back together. But I hope you keep posting here regardless of your decisions.

I am so glad you are doing counseling and support groups. I really am proud of you for getting the help you need.
 

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Discussion Starter · #286 ·
I think every one of us in this situation understands every feeling you have. It’s absolutely your decision to make, but it’s also our duty to give you advice. It isn’t easier the second time, it isn’t less painful. The pain doesn’t disappear when you get back together. But I hope you keep posting here regardless of your decisions.

I am so glad you are doing counseling and support groups. I really am proud of you for getting the help you need.
It was a massive shock when I found out about the affair and the pain unbearable, what I am trying to say if it doesn’t work out for me, I will be the one walking away and that pain I can hear because it will be my choice. The pain he caused me, not it won’t disappear but has made me stronger. I will keep posting and keep you up to date with everything
 

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If you are considering taking him back - wait at least 6-12 months to see if he can show evidence that he’s earning your trust back.

If he doesn’t understand what he did - and what it takes to repair that damage he caused - he’s not likely to show any actions that are different than when he was cheating on you.

He ruined the trust and put your health at risk. He ruined the family.

Take your time and see if he’s willing to be the one to do the hard work to repair that damage.

Just because he wants to come back doesn’t mean you have to say yes. This is your time to grow and learn about yourself - how to become a strong woman who has a boundary and wants respect from someone who is supposed to love you.

Let him learn how to live in his own and take care of his own crap. You have enough to worry about right now without having to handle his crap and yours.

If he’s not doing 150% effort to repair the damage he caused - then it’s better for YOU if you just say no way!

I speak from experience. Now is a good time for you to look out for YOUR best interest.
 

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It was a massive shock when I found out about the affair and the pain unbearable, what I am trying to say if it doesn’t work out for me, I will be the one walking away and that pain I can hear because it will be my choice. The pain he caused me, not it won’t disappear but has made me stronger. I will keep posting and keep you up to date with everything
I haven't seen it discussed much here, but I'm sure it has been since I never have an original thought. Sometimes the BS will reconcile with the WS for reasons that are hard to explain and may not make a lot of sense to the outside world. The BS exited the relationship because of WS's betrayal. It's a shock to the system.

When the BS acquires more relationship knowledge and chooses to reconcile, it's actually done from a position of strength. "If the reconciliation doesn't work, I am going to leave the relationship. I'm going to be the initiator, not the victim." I'm not a relationship counselor by profession, but it seems to me that leaving the relationship on BS's terms instead of WS's terms may have some mental benefits. Anyway, it's just a thought. You can always break up. You can't always reconcile.
 

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Discussion Starter · #289 ·
I haven't seen it discussed much here, but I'm sure it has been since I never have an original thought. Sometimes the BS will reconcile with the WS for reasons that are hard to explain and may not make a lot of sense to the outside world. The BS exited the relationship because of WS's betrayal. It's a shock to the system.

When the BS acquires more relationship knowledge and chooses to reconcile, it's actually done from a position of strength. "If the reconciliation doesn't work, I am going to leave the relationship. I'm going to be the initiator, not the victim." I'm not a relationship counselor by profession, but it seems to me that leaving the relationship on BS's terms instead of WS's terms may have some mental benefits. Anyway, it's just a thought. You can always break up. You can't always reconcile.
Not really following, BS? WS? Sorry what is it you are staying?
 

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Not really following, BS? WS? Sorry what is it you are staying?
BS is Betrayed Spouse (you) and WS is Wayward Spouse (your husband)

tl;dr: Some people reconcile specifically to have the opportunity to then exit the relationship on his or her terms and not on the betrayer's terms.
 

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Discussion Starter · #291 ·
BS is Betrayed Spouse (you) and WS is Wayward Spouse (your husband)

tl;dr: Some people reconcile specifically to have the opportunity to then exit the relationship on his or her terms and not on the betrayer's terms.
Got it, thank you.
 

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BS is Betrayed Spouse (you) and WS is Wayward Spouse (your husband)

tl;dr: Some people reconcile specifically to have the opportunity to then exit the relationship on his or her terms and not on the betrayer's terms.
I hear what you are saying Sfort, and I really do enjoy your posts, because, many times, your thinking is parallel to mine. But in this situation, I am of the opinion, that WS wants back because he is insanely codependent. I mean, he tried to commit suicide a week or two ago, in an effort to get BS back. This is a very flammable situation.
 

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I hear what you are saying Sfort, and I really do enjoy your posts, because, many times, your thinking is parallel to mine. But in this situation, I am of the opinion, that WS wants back because he is insanely codependent. I mean, he tried to commit suicide a week or two ago, in an effort to get BS back. This is a very flammable situation.
And she’s eluded quite a few times to the idea of suicide herself because she can’t be without him or alone. So yeah. Sad all around.
 

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The good thing here is that blondie has some great insight into her behaviour and flaws. She’s not in denial and sees the situation exactly for what it is, a bad one. And she’s trying.

So no, I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re eventually going to be ok and you’re not exactly running away - you’re going through all the difficult steps. These feelings are so so difficult and you’re sticking with the pain. Which you have to do in order to one day heal. And you will.
 

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Discussion Starter · #295 ·
The good thing here is that blondie has some great insight into her behaviour and flaws. She’s not in denial and sees the situation exactly for what it is, a bad one. And she’s trying.

So no, I don’t think you’re crazy, I think you’re eventually going to be ok and you’re not exactly running away - you’re going through all the difficult steps. These feelings are so so difficult and you’re sticking with the pain. Which you have to do in order to one day heal. And you will.
Lots of different opinions on my feed about getting back with the husband. Please, I know what I’m doing and I will be ok and I will heal. I don’t miss him anymore but I do want to find out if I still love him cos in all honesty I am not sure. I do feel able to be on my own now without male company, apart from my boys that is. I have applied for 2 jobs for extra money to support the house and my bills. I’m on day 4 and not had any alcohol (this is unheard of with me) if I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore, I am the one that wants to walk away. Hope you all understand where I am coming from because it is hard trying to explain what I am doing, but what ever I do, I will be open and honest and go things in the right way
 

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Lots of different opinions on my feed about getting back with the husband. Please, I know what I’m doing and I will be ok and I will heal. I don’t miss him anymore but I do want to find out if I still love him cos in all honesty I am not sure. I do feel able to be on my own now without male company, apart from my boys that is. I have applied for 2 jobs for extra money to support the house and my bills. I’m on day 4 and not had any alcohol (this is unheard of with me) if I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore, I am the one that wants to walk away. Hope you all understand where I am coming from because it is hard trying to explain what I am doing, but what ever I do, I will be open and honest and go things in the right way
@Blonde1971 how are things going with you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #298 ·
@Blonde1971 how are things going with you?
Good thank you, no alcohol for the last 13 days, doing gym, swimming and yoga now after I finish work daily. My husband and I are doing lots of talking, I feel that it’s too soon for us to start living together again so we are just talking a lot.. the longer I am on my own the stronger I feel, still waiting to hear on the weekend work, applied for 4 jobs. All I need is to earn some more money and then I will leave the joint account and start a bank account of my own.
 

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Sister, should you decide to give him another shot it's really important that it be done from a position of strength.

Not because you can't be alone, not because he manipulates and threatens/tries to kill himself. You won't have good judgment and you won't have a healthy relationship that way.

I recommend you spend at least 6 months apart and during that time he cannot beg or manipulate. If you can do that and you really think he's learned his lesson you can give it another try.

How do you know he isn't still seeing his other woman?
 

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Hey that’s a big change ‘the longer I am on my own the stronger I feel’ compared to before!!

13 days no alcohol is great too! It sounds like you’re coming out of the darkness
 
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