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Discussion Starter · #241 ·
I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking to us, here on TAM. I'm glad to hear that you have been hitting the gym. Exercise can be so therapeutic, both physically and mentally.
But, you need to go gray rock on your husband. You need to stop texting him. Everytime you contact him, you are feeding him hope. You need to crush that hope, so that you can be free. You do not need to worry about him killing himself. It is pure manipulation and you know it. If he really wanted to die, he would be dead. You are do so well, moving forward and I am very happy for you. But, your husband is becoming an anchor and dragging you back down.

What are your interests/hobbies? Do you live in a big city or out in the country? I've been to the UK many times and find the history fascinating and the moors absolutely beautiful. Are you guys still under lockdown?
We are out of lock down but unable to go inside pubs, restaurants, it’s all outside at the moment but that is set to change on 17th May and then 100% back to normal on 21st June, but the numbers are rising again for Covid.
Why can’t I stop texting him? I don’t understand why I can’t stop. So the gym and swimming is new to me and I am enjoying it, I have never had hobbies or interests of my own so I’m trying to find some. Going to give yoga and Pilates ago once they open up again. I would love to learn salsa dancing but I would need a partner. I live in the country, I do drive so I can go anywhere I want really. The moors are beautiful. I’m thinking of going on holiday by myself!
 

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You are having trouble discontinuing communication with him because you all have been together for over 22 years. That is a very long time to be with someone and you must feel a void, knowing that it is over. But, everytime that you contact him, you are prolonging your pain and suffering.... as well as keeping him from moving on from you. I know that reading this gives very little comfort, to you in your current situation. But you are going through one of the most traumatic events that you will endure in your entire life. You must be strong but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. And you will have the excitement of a new life with your destiny entirely in your own hands. You will get to experience new adventures with new people. This is the time to contemplate doing things that you previously did not think were possible. I know it's difficult for you to see, but your life is going to get very exciting in very near future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #243 ·
You are having trouble discontinuing communication with him because you all have been together for over 22 years. That is a very long time to be with someone and you must feel a void, knowing that it is over. But, everytime that you contact him, you are prolonging your pain and suffering.... as well as keeping him from moving on from you. I know that reading this gives very little comfort, to you in your current situation. But you are going through one of the most traumatic events that you will endure in your entire life. You must be strong but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. And you will have the excitement of a new life with your destiny entirely in your own hands. You will get to experience new adventures with new people. This is the time to contemplate doing things that you previously did not think were possible. I know it's difficult for you to see, but your life is going to get very exciting in very near future.
God I hope you are right. I feel like I’m going under at the moment. Do you not think there is a way back for him and me?
 

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Hi Blonde 1971. Very happy to talk about anything!

I put up a post (#49) with some suggestions on how to fill empty time which was probably too early in proceedings . Hope it helps.

You are doing the right things, just need the determination to carry on. Why not go to salsa lessons anyway?

Not sure about the solo holiday, may be speak to someone who has done it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #248 ·
How did I find him? On Tuesday I was working in the office in Bristol, I started to feel not very good by 4 felt like there was a dark cloud come over me, so I went home, couldn’t settle and sometimes when I am feeling like that I go for a drive and play loud music. I was driving up a road I know very well and I saw his car in a layby so I pulled over and that’s how I found him. He had taken all his heart medication, statins, high blood pressure tablets and a packet of paracetamol.
 

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God I hope you are right. I feel like I’m going under at the moment. Do you not think there is a way back for him and me?
Blondie, why do you still want there to be a way back? Look at what he did to you, then lied the whole time, manipulated you. And now what is he doing? Blaming YOU because he is a jerk. Can you honestly say you WANT him back???

You have got to stop thinking you need this guy to be happy, because he is the opposite of happiness and joy. The reason you keep texting him is because you still have hope that he will become a person that he is not. As long as you have this hope you will not be able to fully let him go.

You admitted you were doing so well! Just keep moving forward in a new life without him, little by little it will become obvious your life is so much better without him. You will get there, one day at a time. Be prepared for more attempts for attention, and be ready to call the police if he does this again. You don’t have the right credentials or profession to save him from himself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #250 ·
Blondie, why do you still want there to be a way back? Look at what he did to you, then lied the whole time, manipulated you. And now what is he doing? Blaming YOU because he is a jerk. Can you honestly say you WANT him back???

You have got to stop thinking you need this guy to be happy, because he is the opposite of happiness and joy. The reason you keep texting him is because you still have hope that he will become a person that he is not. As long as you have this hope you will not be able to fully let him go.

You admitted you were doing so well! Just keep moving forward in a new life without him, little by little it will become obvious your life is so much better without him. You will get there, one day at a time. Be prepared for more attempts for attention, and be ready to call the police if he does this again. You don’t have the right credentials or profession to save him from himself.
I don’t know why I want him back, we were good together and laughed had fun. It’s bank holiday weekend here and I’m just sat by myself like the sorry stupid cow I am. All my friends are married, I just want happiness and joy and I’m not going to find that by myself. I was doing ok but I was speaking with him everyday. He has ghosted me today and I don’t want him to feel happier without me. I’m sick of fighting through every bloody day.
 

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Wow, that is something that you found your husband. You were still connected deeply on some level for that to happen.
You are quite someone Dawn.

Your poor kids.
You have both tried taking your lives haven't you now?
You said that you took pills to ease the pain as well.
Manipulative or genuine, you are both hurting deeply.
I think your husband truly regrets his behaviour.
I would have said that sometimes after a life threatening event like your husband's heart attack, that some people do odd life affirming things, including affairs. But you say his affair started earlier, so I can't give him leeway there.

I suppose statistically the longer you are with someone the higher the chance of infidelity. At this point we don't know if your husband cheated before or not.
A polygraph might help there if you ever wanted to reconcile.

You don't have to make that choice yet, you just have to get through your days anyway you can. You are not clear enough of thought yet to know what you want. It's too soon.
Couples do reconcile, others never recover.
Don't feel bad or pressurised to choose either route, and don't feel like it has to be decided now.
Have a seperation, like you are now, but with the rule he doesn't see the other woman, and an agreement, if he is still wanting you, that you will meet again in a month to see how you both feel about your relationship now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #252 ·
Wow, that is something that you found your husband. You were still connected deeply on some level for that to happen.
You are quite someone Dawn.

Your poor kids.
You have both tried taking your lives haven't you now?
You said that you took pills to ease the pain as well.
Manipulative or genuine, you are both hurting deeply.
I think your husband truly regrets his behaviour.
I would have said that sometimes after a life threatening event like your husband's heart attack, that some people do odd life affirming things, including affairs. But you say his affair started earlier, so I can't give him leeway there.

I suppose statistically the longer you are with someone the higher the chance of infidelity. At this point we don't know if your husband cheated before or not.
A polygraph might help there if you ever wanted to reconcile.

You don't have to make that choice yet, you just have to get through your days anyway you can. You are not clear enough of thought yet to know what you want. It's too soon.
Couples do reconcile, others never recover.
Don't feel bad or pressurised to choose either route, and don't feel like it has to be decided now.
Have a seperation, like you are now, but with the rule he doesn't see the other woman, and an agreement, if he is still wanting you, that you will meet again in a month to see how you both feel about your relationship now.
I know it was as very strange feeling I was having on Tuesday, things like that have happened before to me with my mum, I didn’t usually go done to her house until midday on a Sunday but that Sunday something felt off early in the morning so I went down at 8am on the Sunday and found her died on the sofa.
I just need to find the strength to let him go. I know, my poor boys, this has been the worst time in their lives. I know you are going to say don’t text him yes, how else can I let him go???
 

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I just need to find the strength to let him go. I know, my poor boys, this has been the worst time in their lives. I know you are going to say don’t text him yes, how else can I let him go???
You both sound co-dependent which makes for a very, VERY unhealthy marriage and requires a ton of therapy just to figure what happened in both your lives (preceding marriage) that caused it. I know the NHS sucks and you have to wait in line for counseling. There are online options, but they are not free. Either way, you will have to address your issues at some point so that your next relationship will not be with a co-dependent person and you in turn will not be co-dependent.

Have you ever tried counseling in the past? It can actually be quite liberating as you will discover things about yourself that you never previously understood. If your therapist is good, they will equip you with a "toolbox" to help you deal with situations that you previously had no idea how to handle in a healthy, efficient way.

I'm sure I can speak for everyone, here on TAM, that we all want for you to be in a healthy, happy, loving and THRIVING relationship/marriage.

Yes, we are going to say "don't text him". You will only prolong the pain and suffering for both of you. You start letting him go, by writing down all of things that he has done to you that has made your life miserable. After you make that list, you are going to write down all of the doubts that you are going to have and all of the distrust that you are going to direct at him, if you try to make it work. Then you are going to try to think about what, if anything that your husband would do to improve himself in order to save your marriage (my guess is that you already know that would be a ridiculously short list). Then you make a list of all the things that you are going to do different after the divorce, to better yourself. Then, you keep those lists within arms reach for the next several weeks. And everytime that you feel weakness, you re-read those lists to remind you what is really at stake here and why trying to save this disaster of a marriage is nothing but a ticking time bomb.

Your drunk, emotional heart wants to remember the good times in order to convince yourself that you should stay with him. But your sober, logical brain is reminding you that the misery is unbearable and exhausting. Marriage is not easy, but 98 out of 100 days, it should be loving, rewarding and beautiful. And you will have that. Be strong and keep your eye on the future!
 

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Discussion Starter · #254 ·
You both sound co-dependent which makes for a very, VERY unhealthy marriage and requires a ton of therapy just to figure what happened in both your lives (preceding marriage) that caused it. I know the NHS sucks and you have to wait in line for counseling. There are online options, but they are not free. Either way, you will have to address your issues at some point so that your next relationship will not be with a co-dependent person and you in turn will not be co-dependent.

Have you ever tried counseling in the past? It can actually be quite liberating as you will discover things about yourself that you never previously understood. If your therapist is good, they will equip you with a "toolbox" to help you deal with situations that you previously had no idea how to handle in a healthy, efficient way.

I'm sure I can speak for everyone, here on TAM, that we all want for you to be in a healthy, happy, loving and THRIVING relationship/marriage.

Yes, we are going to say "don't text him". You will only prolong the pain and suffering for both of you. You start letting him go, by writing down all of things that he has done to you that has made your life miserable. After you make that list, you are going to write down all of the doubts that you are going to have and all of the distrust that you are going to direct at him, if you try to make it work. Then you are going to try to think about what, if anything that your husband would do to improve himself in order to save your marriage (my guess is that you already know that would be a ridiculously short list). Then you make a list of all the things that you are going to do different after the divorce, to better yourself. Then, you keep those lists within arms reach for the next several weeks. And everytime that you feel weakness, you re-read those lists to remind you what is really at stake here and why trying to save this disaster of a marriage is nothing but a ticking time bomb.

Your drunk, emotional heart wants to remember the good times in order to convince yourself that you should stay with him. But your sober, logical brain is reminding you that the misery is unbearable and exhausting. Marriage is not easy, but 98 out of 100 days, it should be loving, rewarding and beautiful. And you will have that. Be strong and keep your eye on the future!
Your message is giving me the strength to move forward ( small steps) I keep reading it over and over again. I will 100% get counseling for my own issues as I never ever want to be in this awful, painful situation again. I will make my lists as I make lots of lists and get satisfaction out of ticking them off, you are right this marriage has taken all of my mind and body and I don’t get much in return, never really have, always done things that make him happy, not saying that I didn’t enjoy things he chose but he never wanted to try new things that I wanted to do. I will not text him today, I am only going to have positive thoughts today about myself and what I want to do and I want to change so that I am confident on my own without depending on a man.
I am currently reading The Secret, have you heard about that book?
I had a dream last night ( I rarely dream, or if I do, I never remember them) there was a man in a wheel chair not fully dependent on his wheel chair. He came to my mum’s house (Mum passed 3 and half years ago) knocked on the door about some work he was going to do on her house. He looked at me and I didn’t think anything of it, but then he would always try to bump into me out and about, so one day we had a chat about nothing really. We sort of became friends, I had no idea that he liked me until he presented my with a watch, black strap with a black heart in the face of the watch and it said (I love you) I panicked and ran away. He was patient and after a while we became partners. What was that about? I have woke up with a headache this morning which I do not normally. Sorry I had to tell you this dream cos it felt so real and I asked myself this morning, was that real, do I know anyone like that. Very odd.
 

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Your message is giving me the strength to move forward ( small steps) I keep reading it over and over again. I will 100% get counseling for my own issues as I never ever want to be in this awful, painful situation again. I will make my lists as I make lots of lists and get satisfaction out of ticking them off, you are right this marriage has taken all of my mind and body and I don’t get much in return, never really have, always done things that make him happy, not saying that I didn’t enjoy things he chose but he never wanted to try new things that I wanted to do. I will not text him today, I am only going to have positive thoughts today about myself and what I want to do and I want to change so that I am confident on my own without depending on a man.
I am currently reading The Secret, have you heard about that book?
I had a dream last night ( I rarely dream, or if I do, I never remember them) there was a man in a wheel chair not fully dependent on his wheel chair. He came to my mum’s house (Mum passed 3 and half years ago) knocked on the door about some work he was going to do on her house. He looked at me and I didn’t think anything of it, but then he would always try to bump into me out and about, so one day we had a chat about nothing really. We sort of became friends, I had no idea that he liked me until he presented my with a watch, black strap with a black heart in the face of the watch and it said (I love you) I panicked and ran away. He was patient and after a while we became partners. What was that about? I have woke up with a headache this morning which I do not normally. Sorry I had to tell you this dream cos it felt so real and I asked myself this morning, was that real, do I know anyone like that. Very odd.
I have heard of the book, and I’ve read it. Very inspirational and has really good tools to think with purpose and positivity.

Maybe your dream is symbolic. That you have the opportunity at some point to meet a person who was once broken but has learned to live his life again given his past. Or maybe the man in the chair represents a future you, that you’ve been hurt in the past but have the opportunity to be whole given those scars, and love yourself. What does the dream feel like to you?
 

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Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?
Of course not, he simply wants to normalise his behaviour, threaten you into accepting his ****ty behaviour with his suicide attempt, anger, etc. Tell him to get out of the house, go to whomever he likes, you are not his nursemaid and will not be helping him get over his terrible character and consequebces of his own actions, esp since he is not the victim, you are. How dare he play victim when he is the perpetrator. Cant you see what he is doing? He is manipulating you. Where is your righteous anger for yourself and his treatment of you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #257 ·
I have heard of the book, and I’ve read it. Very inspirational and has really good tools to think with purpose and positivity.

Maybe your dream is symbolic. That you have the opportunity at some point to meet a person who was once broken but has learned to live his life again given his past. Or maybe the man in the chair represents a future you, that you’ve been hurt in the past but have the opportunity to be whole given those scars, and love yourself. What does the dream feel like to you?
Why did you take so long to speak? To me it’s an indication of co~dependence, i am in the wheel chair.
Of course not, he simply wants to normalise his behaviour, threaten you into accepting his ****ty behaviour with his suicide attempt, anger, etc. Tell him to get out of the house, go to whomever he likes, you are not his nursemaid and will not be helping him get over his terrible character and consequebces of his own actions, esp since he is not the victim, you are. How dare he play victim when he is the perpetrator. Cant you see what he is doing? He is manipulating you. Where is your righteous anger for yourself and his treatment of you?
I don’t know where that is. I’m am so **** at this cos I don’t understand
 

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Why did you take so long to speak? To me it’s an indication of co~dependence, i am in the wheel chair.
Why did I take so long to speak? Not sure what you mean here. I’m here for you.

Your dream interpretation seems pretty insightful... what does the watch represent? You want to love yourself but you run away from your own love?
 

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Your message is giving me the strength to move forward ( small steps) I keep reading it over and over again. I will 100% get counseling for my own issues as I never ever want to be in this awful, painful situation again. I will make my lists as I make lots of lists and get satisfaction out of ticking them off, you are right this marriage has taken all of my mind and body and I don’t get much in return, never really have, always done things that make him happy, not saying that I didn’t enjoy things he chose but he never wanted to try new things that I wanted to do. I will not text him today, I am only going to have positive thoughts today about myself and what I want to do and I want to change so that I am confident on my own without depending on a man.
I am currently reading The Secret, have you heard about that book?
I had a dream last night ( I rarely dream, or if I do, I never remember them) there was a man in a wheel chair not fully dependent on his wheel chair. He came to my mum’s house (Mum passed 3 and half years ago) knocked on the door about some work he was going to do on her house. He looked at me and I didn’t think anything of it, but then he would always try to bump into me out and about, so one day we had a chat about nothing really. We sort of became friends, I had no idea that he liked me until he presented my with a watch, black strap with a black heart in the face of the watch and it said (I love you) I panicked and ran away. He was patient and after a while we became partners. What was that about? I have woke up with a headache this morning which I do not normally. Sorry I had to tell you this dream cos it felt so real and I asked myself this morning, was that real, do I know anyone like that. Very odd.
Yes, there is definitely some symbolism there, but it is difficult for me to sort because I am not you and I know very little about your life. But, yes, the man in the wheel chair is symbolistic. It could represent something that requires sympathy/empathy. It could represent somebody/something that you want to avoid. It could represent something that could drag you back into misery. The watch with the black strap and black heart.... iiiiiiiuuuuuuuckkkkk! Black represents death but you do not need me to tell you that. Geez, you need to be dreaming about a tropical islands, sunsets and Mai Tai's! Go visit St. Mary's on the Isles of Scilly! If you have never been, it is beautiful! Give yourself some new things to dream about. My dreams get crazy and adventorous. A few years ago, I dreamed that myself and Chuck Norris were cops and we raided a drug house. Very cool and crazy dream! Considering where you are coming from, your life is going to get very exciting in the future. And you are going to look back on this mess and be so damned grateful that you are out of it and even wonder how you got into in the first place.
 

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Discussion Starter · #260 ·
Why did you take so long to speak? To me it’s an indication of co~dependence, i am in the wheel chair.

I don’t know where that is. I’m am so **** at this cos I don’t understand
I have truly had enough of all of this crap. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
 
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