Talk About Marriage banner

221 - 240 of 270 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,105 Posts
Why would you think he did — because he told you so (and wouldn’t lie)?
It's like when I was sitting in the MC's office with my ex and he had changed his ex gf story yet again when he realized I knew more. He admitted to exactly what I let on I knew and nothing more, then made some comment about how it's not like he went to a hotel with her.

I looked him in the face and said well its not like you have any incentive to be truthful, and we already know you'll lie until I show proof.

No response.

From his perspective there was no benefit. If I didn't find out maybe I wouldn't dump him but if I did I absolutely would so where is his incentive to tell the truth?

I dumped him anyway.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,950 Posts
It's like when I was sitting in the MC's office with my ex and he had changed his ex gf story yet again when he realized I knew more. He admitted to exactly what I let on I knew and nothing more, then made some comment about how it's not like he went to a hotel with her.

I looked him in the face and said well its not like you have any incentive to be truthful, and we already know you'll lie until I show proof.

No response.

From his perspective there was no benefit. If I didn't find out maybe I wouldn't dump him but if I did I absolutely would so where is his incentive to tell the truth?

I dumped him anyway.
My exH was 100% the same. I never got one single thing out of him that I didn’t have proof for and even then he tried to spin it. So, no, I wouldn’t be trusting something that a cheater said they did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Discussion Starter · #224 ·
Do you honestly think he’s not ended it with her?
Why else would he go off the deep end over you looking at his phone? If he's done with her he simply deletes everything and it's done. If it's ongoing there are always new texts.

It's very common for these cheaters to continue cheating but get better at hiding it.

Think about it. He didn't confess...he got caught. If he hadn't been caught he'd still be happily be ing his *. So his tantrum has nothing to do with who he let down....it's that he got caught and there are consequences. That's it.

So what would he tell you? That he's still screwing her?

I think it's very likely he's still talking to her. Let her have him.
I
My exH was 100% the same. I never got one single thing out of him that I didn’t have proof for and even then he tried to spin it. So, no, I wouldn’t be trusting something that a cheater said they did.
i bloody hate this. Jesus, I been married to him for 22 years, where the hell has it all gone wrong
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
936 Posts
I

i bloody hate this. Jesus, I been married to him for 22 years, where the hell has it all gone wrong
When he decided to stick sausage in another person. You had no control over that idiotic choice or any other that he is going to make.

Get rid of him for good. You are no longer obligated to do anything for him ever again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
134 Posts
So sorry you find yourself sucked back into it all.

I am going to sound harsh here so apologies in advance.

Does it matter if he has finished with the OW? My understanding is that you don’t want him back so is not worth worrying about.

This is not your mess to sort out, he put himself in this position to make you feel guilty and to control you. You are so right to want him out of your house and I hope he goes. Please do not let him back in to the house and, if you feel verbally or physically threatened, call the police immediately. You are not being callous by doing this.

Given his unpredictable behaviour, is it worth getting a restraining order? Actually, I’ll rephrase that, please get a restraining order!

Okay, now for the harsh bit, sadly, from family experiences. In my opinion, he had no intention of committing suicide, he wanted the attention, he banked on you or someone finding him. It was selfish and manipulative. You have no responsibility or duty to look after him.

You have done all the hard work in the initial separation. Don’t let him, or others who may pressurise you, spoil this.

Lots of us have been impressed by the way you have conducted yourself through all this and are here to support you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
235 Posts
It's like when I was sitting in the MC's office with my ex and he had changed his ex gf story yet again when he realized I knew more. He admitted to exactly what I let on I knew and nothing more, then made some comment about how it's not like he went to a hotel with her.

I looked him in the face and said well its not like you have any incentive to be truthful, and we already know you'll lie until I show proof.

No response.

From his perspective there was no benefit. If I didn't find out maybe I wouldn't dump him but if I did I absolutely would so where is his incentive to tell the truth?

I dumped him anyway.
Blondi, I am so glad that you are doing better than a week ago, and I'm sorry your douche husband is trying so hard to manipulate you. Listen to lifeistooshort as she is giving you excellent advice. Oh, and "going grey rock" is a method to help you disassociate yourself from a manipulative/abusive person and make you less of a target. It works excellent in dealing with narcissists, but in your situation, I think your husband is just selfish cake eater. Either way, here is a link describing the grey rock method:
Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively

Relationships with significant others are a strange beast. You see someone in a certain light and think everything is business as usual and just chalk it up to their personality. And then something bad happens and your eyes are opened to whom you have actually been sharing a life with. This happens very often with people who are married to textbook narcissists.... And when their eyes are opened, they realize that the have been together with a mental robot; someone whom is absolutely incapable of actual selfless love, empathy and sympathy. And they are shocked to discover that the person they have been married to is is actually a complete stranger. It's a real mind blower.

Again, according to your description, your husband just sounds like an immature, selfish cake eater whom has never really had his sh!t called out on him before. I'm glad your eyes are open and now you can see the futility in staying with him. His problems are not your problems. Your problem is dealing with your emotions and mental state from the damage that he caused. You will be happy again. Shake this rat from your neck. Get him the hell out of your house and away from your life as soon as humanly possible. And when you are finally at a point when you can start meeting new men, you will know what to avoid. You will find a guy who will knock your socks off and you will think it's too good to be true because you have not experienced true two-way love. I am excited for your future!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,565 Posts
Don't allow him back in please. He is selfish, controlling, abusive and very very manipulative. I know you need his income to keep your living space. Apparently so does he. He is doing damage control. The affair has not ended. That is why he went ballistic regarding the phone. His cover would have been blown, so he created a distraction by being an abusive Azzhat! He uses push and pull tactics to get you off kilter. I have the real suspicion that he has done this for a very long time. My 2nd X was very good at this. I had no idea what an subtle, yet abusive man was like until I fell in love with my 2nd X. I was fooled and confused with all the rubber band effect he kept pulling on me. Eventually the rubber band broke and I was finally set free. Let him go and rebuild your life without his toxic ways of dealing with relationships. The affair was the rubber band break you needed to set yourself free. Imagine wasting more precious time on a jerk like him. Move on fast. You always deserved better. You just didn't know what you now do.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Harold Demure

·
Registered
Joined
·
390 Posts
Did the hospital call you or did he call you?

Look his cover has been blown and he’s pulling out the big victim card.

He wasn’t really going to commit suicide, this simply makes you look bad (his plan) and the other woman is probably the one who is also going to blame you, as well as everyone else. Poor him! How bad his marriage must have been for him to want to end his life!!! See how it works?

I had a family member that played this game for 20 years, 20 years I kid you not. It happened every time their behaviour was exposed - and I was the one constantly having to rescue them. One day... I simply called emergency services after a very elaborate description of what they were going to do to themselves. Police arrived to a quiet scene, said person was perfectly fine 😉

I cut contact and never looked back. They ramped it up by then getting the doctors or police to call in crisis times. I simply said not my responsibility, I’ll leave it to the professionals to help.

30 years on, family member is alive and well and I’m the bad guy still. Happy to be the bad guy in everyone’s eyes and my life is beautiful without the drama.

He’s simply trying to punish you for his bad behaviour, he doesn’t actually want you back. He knows you’re getting stronger and stronger he can feel it. Believe me he knows you’re finished. Please keep going.

No discussions with him, no arguments, no reaction. Avoid being home, shut down and keep going forward. Yes he’s going to say you are heartless and you don’t care, it’s all your fault... it’s not. He knows you know everything. Go underground, go quiet, show him zero emotion.

It will shock you how liberating a cold heart can be when you begin to love yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Discussion Starter · #230 ·
Did the hospital call you or did he call you?

Look his cover has been blown and he’s pulling out the big victim card.

He wasn’t really going to commit suicide, this simply makes you look bad (his plan) and the other woman is probably the one who is also going to blame you, as well as everyone else. Poor him! How bad his marriage must have been for him to want to end his life!!! See how it works?

I had a family member that played this game for 20 years, 20 years I kid you not. It happened every time their behaviour was exposed - and I was the one constantly having to rescue them. One day... I simply called emergency services after a very elaborate description of what they were going to do to themselves. Police arrived to a quiet scene, said person was perfectly fine 😉

I cut contact and never looked back. They ramped it up by then getting the doctors or police to call in crisis times. I simply said not my responsibility, I’ll leave it to the professionals to help.

30 years on, family member is alive and well and I’m the bad guy still. Happy to be the bad guy in everyone’s eyes and my life is beautiful without the drama.

He’s simply trying to punish you for his bad behaviour, he doesn’t actually want you back. He knows you’re getting stronger and stronger he can feel it. Believe me he knows you’re finished. Please keep going.

No discussions with him, no arguments, no reaction. Avoid being home, shut down and keep going forward. Yes he’s going to say you are heartless and you don’t care, it’s all your fault... it’s not. He knows you know everything. Go underground, go quiet, show him zero emotion.

It will shock you how liberating a cold heart can be when you begin to love yourself.
O god, I will find that vey hard to do. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m crying my heart out, I am thinking bad thoughts
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
390 Posts
The hospital called me to bring him home
I thought so, I had a feeling it was this type of situation. You have the right to refuse and really... if he’s there because he’s tried to commit suicide they should be helping him stay.

As I said, I’ve been there. As soon as they come home they’re strangely doing just fine.

Again, it’s the classic dramatic victim game when you start taking back your power. The last few times I simply said, ‘I don’t have contact with this person, I don’t need to know and I’ll leave it to you to help them, please don’t call me any further regarding this person’.

Sadly, we have had several people suicide in the family. In each situation, they were good people. Nobody saw it coming and they left us quietly.

Your situation is different, it’s a violent act to punish YOU. Please see this as an act of violence.

After all, you’re not a mental-health professional, nor are you qualified to rescue people from their naughty behaviours.

I am also sorry to say, but I am pretty certain that if you show him how rattled you are, he’ll go straight back to her very soon. I give it a week.

The dark thoughts and feelings are totally normal. Find yourself a crying time or crying place where he cannot see you. Because you’re going to do this; it’s natural and normal. And then when you do your crying etc, you literally do what Elizabeth Taylor says: ‘Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together’.

Forget the drink part, but I really mean it when I say, put on some lipstick after a good cry. If you can afford it, get yourself to David Jones, pick and upmarket brand and have the ladies find a colour that’s YOU.

It sounds terribly superficial and shallow, but it was recommended to me a long time ago by a psychologist. I literally was forced to look at myself in the mirror and applied that makeup when I felt like death. It became my symbol for power, in a stupid way, like my war paint. I feel great now, but I still make sure I give myself that time to groom and look at myself in the eye and take on the world.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
235 Posts
O god, I will find that vey hard to do. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m crying my heart out, I am thinking bad thoughts
Blonde, he is screwing with your head and heart. He is manipulating you because he is terrified that you are forsaking him. He doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings or needs; only himself. You have got to become immune to his tactics or your pain and suffering are going to go on and on. You know, deep down, that if he gets a foothold back in your life, he will again become complacent and resume his previous behavior without a solitary thought about your feelings and well being. You are nothing but utility to him. Why waist your life on a man who only looks at you like a tool. You are so much more and you deserve so much more. It's time to make your douche, selfish husband the tool, who has long outlasted his usefulness and throw his ass away. Suicide my ass. He's going to extreme lengths to manipulate you. Desperate people do desperate things.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
390 Posts
Sorry Blondie, I saw the Union Jack and thought it was the Aussie flag. Not sure what Department Stores you have there, our best one is David Jones. Come on you sassy English Lass, get yourself some lippie love, I’m cheering for you. You’ve done well, put the crazy back where crazy belongs. You’re not crazy, far from it.

You’re going to be amazing, this is going to be a story you will tell one day without the feelings you’re having now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
134 Posts
Hi Blondie.

You are crying your eyes out at 0120 in the morning. Doesn’t that tell you something about how he is trying to manipulate you?

Lucky lucky is right about suicides. Those who want to die do it very quietly. As we have all said, your husband is manipulating you and, if you take him back after this, will be even more abusive because he knows he can be.

Another option here is to report him to the police if he talks about suicide or self harming again to try and further manipulate you. You can tell them he had already made one suicide attempt, he is threatening another attempt and you are afraid that he will be a danger to himself. They should, if they do their job properly, section him under the mental health acts for evaluation. We have been to a number of mental health units and, believe me, he will not want to return if he is playing games. On the flip side, he will be in exactly the right place to get the help he needs. Either way, you would be helping him so don’t feel guilty.

Sending much love and support
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
390 Posts
Harold has some good points, it was also recommended to me to refer them to emergency services and not feel any guilt or play into the manipulation.

The other thing is, a person who is really unwell and suicidal wouldn’t be released so quickly. The staff know the difference. And the person would be too unwell to ask to be released, incoherent or probably screaming to be kept there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Discussion Starter · #237 ·
Harold has some good points, it was also recommended to me to refer them to emergency services and not feel any guilt or play into the manipulation.

The other thing is, a person who is really unwell and suicidal wouldn’t be released so quickly. The staff know the difference. And the person would be too unwell to ask to be released, incoherent or probably screaming to be kept there.
They should of kept him in really. I cannot stand all this drama, it’s not my drama it’s all his. When I read the messages on here and look at what I have put, it’s like I’m reading about someone else’s life, I’m sad that our family has been broken, I’m sad cos 22 years and it finishes like this, I cannot believe he is the same man I married and gave my life to. Stupid or not Didnt think I would be going through something like this at my age. I feel lonely for the first time in my life.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
235 Posts
They should of kept him in really. I cannot stand all this drama, it’s not my drama it’s all his. When I read the messages on here and look at what I have put, it’s like I’m reading about someone else’s life, I’m sad that our family has been broken, I’m sad cos 22 years and it finishes like this, I cannot believe he is the same man I married and gave my life to. Stupid or not Didnt think I would be going through something like this at my age. I feel lonely for the first time in my life.
Blonde, the loneliness will only be temporary. But you can always log on to TAM and talk to us. But you need to use this time to improve yourself. Exercise. Get back into activities that you used to do when you were younger. After a breakup, it's good to re-learn how to be by yourself and regain your independence. Once you have accomplished that, you will be ready to restart your love life. I know it's almost impossible to see that future, going through what you are currently going through, but it will happen. And you will look back on this, and say to yourself "Thank God I got out of that utter disaster!".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Discussion Starter · #239 ·
Blonde, the loneliness will only be temporary. But you can always log on to TAM and talk to us. But you need to use this time to improve yourself. Exercise. Get back into activities that you used to do when you were younger. After a breakup, it's good to re-learn how to be by yourself and regain your independence. Once you have accomplished that, you will be ready to restart your love life. I know it's almost impossible to see that future, going through what you are currently going through, but it will happen. And you will look back on this, and say to yourself "Thank God I got out of that utter disaster!".
I have joined a gym and try to go every other day and swim. I was feeling better until Tuesday when I found him in his car semi conscious. Not been to the gym since. I feel so so peed off, feeling like I am having a massive set back. I mean it’s 11.10am here and I am still in bed, this is not me at all but I just want to be left alone and hide. I cannot believe how much he is hurting me and blaming me for just about everything, it’s like he’s the victim. I need to stop texting him asking how he’s feeling etc. just a habit really. I promise you talking on here really helps me, I feel I am constantly looking to see if anyone is talking and trying to take on the advice.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
235 Posts
I have joined a gym and try to go every other day and swim. I was feeling better until Tuesday when I found him in his car semi conscious. Not been to the gym since. I feel so so peed off, feeling like I am having a massive set back. I mean it’s 11.10am here and I am still in bed, this is not me at all but I just want to be left alone and hide. I cannot believe how much he is hurting me and blaming me for just about everything, it’s like he’s the victim. I need to stop texting him asking how he’s feeling etc. just a habit really. I promise you talking on here really helps me, I feel I am constantly looking to see if anyone is talking and trying to take on the advice.
I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking to us, here on TAM. I'm glad to hear that you have been hitting the gym. Exercise can be so therapeutic, both physically and mentally.
But, you need to go gray rock on your husband. You need to stop texting him. Everytime you contact him, you are feeding him hope. You need to crush that hope, so that you can be free. You do not need to worry about him killing himself. It is pure manipulation and you know it. If he really wanted to die, he would be dead. You are do so well, moving forward and I am very happy for you. But, your husband is becoming an anchor and dragging you back down.

What are your interests/hobbies? Do you live in a big city or out in the country? I've been to the UK many times and find the history fascinating and the moors absolutely beautiful. Are you guys still under lockdown?
 
221 - 240 of 270 Posts
Top