MM thanks for sharing.
I think your perspective on the whole thing is on the money based on what you shared.
I'm glad it went that way, and I think you have a lot to offer here on TAM.
I want to address the issue, "would it have become a PA".
I think the critical point was when she asked, "what is this?"
It is axiomatic with players, that if you get in a womans head she will seduce herself.
Long before the first kiss, a woman has already fantasized about it. True for the whole mating dance.
He was being careful when he said, "it's just fun".
Had he answered it differently, say "I've never met anyone like you, I can't imagine my life with you, and you are so damn hot", then your wife would have begun to fantasize about him as a real lover.
It would have just been a small step for them to exchange, "I love you's".
Women want security and safety and until he began to make some kind of verbal commitment she would be reluctant to risk what she had.
Based on what you shared had he handled it just a little differently there is no doubt in my mind you would be looking at a full on affair.
He is a player, big-time, but a lot of woman have a "player streak" in them. They are the kind that will cheat on special occasions. A trip to Vegas, HS reunion, xmass party, etc, but they are not active players.
He was hoping your wife would have a little, "naughtiness" for cheating.
She was more careful herself, and was willing to make the best deal for herself she could (him at the time), but she need some more assurance.
She may not even be able to admit this to herself.
It sucks to realize that was your status with her. It is hard to accept, but she was living in a less self-aware existence.
Her behavior, her modus operandi, was basic instinct at the time.
Often someone doesn't ever realize they are just following their wiring. All those emotional needs, and insecurities spring into our consciousness from some biological imperatives.
She is likely a much safer partner, and a more self-aware person now.
I say this because I think part of your struggle will be letting go of the pedestal you placed her on.
It is hard to accept that your view of her was underserved, and inaccurate. You want that safe feeling back.
You are probably more safe now than ever because, faithfulness is intentional.
It reallly isnt fair to the other person to put them on a pedestal, it also tends to make you lazy in the relationship, careless, besides being unrealistic.
Relationships are not unconditional, they are by definition relational, and transactional.
I'm just throwing out some things to think about.
What she can admit to is that she was not self-aware enough, and that made her vulnerable.
Imo you should let it go at that.
I like the quote, "love is just chemicals masquerading as emotions". I think it has some validity unless a person can step back and look at themselves with a measure of objectivity.
Biology plays a big role.
I hope you find a fuller measure of peace, that your wife continues her work in reconciliation, and I welcome you to TAM.
Regards!