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Discussion Starter #1
We are both 30; I'm divorced with a child and he has a child from a previous long term relationship. When we first met, the idea of getting married again was not something I wanted at all and he said he never wanted to marry either. So we were on the same page.

We just had a baby together and I feel like my stance on marriage has changed again. I talked to him about this and he told me that he still doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't plan on ever marrying me. He wants us to be together and sees a future with me and to continue on as a family but sees no need to be married. I'm feeling crushed. I know that I knew this from the beginning but I had hoped that his feelings were changing as mine have.

He doesn't believe in marriage because everyone he has ever known that was married either ended in divorce or is miserable. His favorite Aunt on the other hand has been with her SO for over 25 years, never married and they are successful with children and are still to this day happy and in love with each other.

I don't know what to do at this point. He asked me if this was now a deal breaker for me and if I would eventually end up leaving him because of this. I told him no, that I just need to accept it, that he can't marry me because of the fear of me leaving and that it is something we both have to want. He is an amazing father and has a great relationship with my child. We get along and communicate extremely well and we have a lot of fun together no matter what we are doing. It is as perfect of a relationship for me as I could ever hope for.

I feel like I want some sort of formal commitment of his feelings and the promise to be together forever, not just saying it in bed at night before we fall asleep. I don't want to end up 50 years old calling him my boyfriend when we've been together for 20 years. I don't want to check the divorced box on forms for the rest of my life. I'm sick already of hearing people referring to their husbands or wives. Hearing of people getting engaged is bringing me to tears. Not to mention he is in the military and without us being married there are certain important situations I may not be recognized. To the military he is single and I just don't exist.

I don't know how to get past this idea of marriage but I need to. This relationship means everything to me but this is making me an emotional mess.
 

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When we first met, the idea of getting married again was not something I wanted at all and he said he never wanted to marry either. So we were on the same page.

my stance on marriage has changed again.... he told me that he still doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't plan on ever marrying me. ....... I'm feeling crushed.
You knew what you were getting into from the get go. This is your issue; not his. Why do you feel the need to get married? Aren't you already living with him? You already have his baby. What difference is a piece of paper going to make? :confused:
 

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You knew it when you went in to the relationship as you acknowledged. Your feelings changed, his didn't. Eventually you will be his commonlaw wife and you can call him your husband. The paper isn't important - read this website and see all of the unhappy endings. Feel blessed that you have such a wonderful relationship.

However, you may want to discuss power of attorney for medical issues, etc. with him. Too many life partners get excluded from the ER or making healthcare decisions because the partner has no legal rights.
 

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It is as perfect of a relationship for me as I could ever hope for.
Then why ruin it with marriage? :scratchhead:

Not to mention he is in the military and without us being married there are certain important situations I may not be recognized. To the military he is single and I just don't exist.
What? Like his military benefits? Life insurance? :wtf: are you saying here?

And who cares what the "military" thinks. If there's an occasion that calls for SOs to be there, wouldn't he bring you?
 

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I understand how you feel because I had gone through the same type of thing.

I've heard of some couples having a "commitment ceremony" where they say vows, exchange rings all in the presence of their family and friends just like a traditional wedding, only difference there is no actual legal marriage. Who cares if the state doesn't recognized you as married, you don't need the paper. But if it is a matter of declaring your intentions of love and being together forever maybe he'd go for that? Call him your husband (if he has no objections), who cares? I wouldn't call someone my boyfriend forever either, sounds like something a high schooler would say.

Anyways, the point is maybe you guys can come to some kind of compromise by thinking out of the box? Good luck!
 

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My only concern would be the benefits offered by the military

Find out if they recognize common law status
 

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If it is the US military, it does matter. Military benefits are a big one - can't even use the commissary without him there. But others as well. And any "notifications" or decisions the military does will not be to her. Its not whether he can bring her somewhere. I don't think she is talking about events or occasions. It's about all the stuff you have access to when he is NOT there.

But she did know where he stood ahead of time.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
If it is the US military, it does matter. Military benefits are a big one - can't even use the commissary without him there. But others as well. And any "notifications" or decisions the military does will not be to her. Its not whether he can bring her somewhere. I don't think she is talking about events or occasions. It's about all the stuff you have access to when he is NOT there.

But she did know where he stood ahead of time.
Exactly. We have our first deployment to go through next year and I'm scared. If anything happens I won't be notified and will not be offered grief counseling. I will have no rights to his personal belongings. This stuff is important to me. I did know this before hand and I know that it is my issue I'm just trying to figure out how to move past it. And you're right it is just a piece of paper I suppose and I don't want to ruin a good thing just for the idea of marriage. It still makes me really sad though :(
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he told you from the get-go,and now that YOU changed your mind you think he should also,or could it be that you're looking for military bennies plus 10 year rule?
 

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he told you from the get-go,and now that YOU changed your mind you think he should also,or could it be that you're looking for military bennies plus 10 year rule?
Absolutely not. I make more money than him I have a government job and a good pension this isn't about money. And yeah I changed my mind but I went to him to tell him that I had and to find out where he stood I don't expect him to change just because I have I had hoped that maybe he was as well, he isn't and now I am trying to come to terms with that.
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Exactly. We have our first deployment to go through next year and I'm scared. If anything happens I won't be notified and will not be offered grief counseling. I will have no rights to his personal belongings. This stuff is important to me. I did know this before hand and I know that it is my issue I'm just trying to figure out how to move past it. And you're right it is just a piece of paper I suppose and I don't want to ruin a good thing just for the idea of marriage. It still makes me really sad though :(
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Can he put you down as a person to contact in his personnel record? Sorry I don't know much about military.

With good insurance of your own you can at least get grief counseling. He should have a will where you are listed as the only beneficiary to his estate. All accounts should be joint and/or a medical AND financial power of attorney.

I sounds like most of your objections can be handled legally. So why don't you talk to him about that? I like the idea of exchanging rings even if you aren't married - it's a lovely symbol of eternity you two could share.

Sounds like you have a great thing going - do the legal stuff to make you feel secure then just enjoy a wonderful relationship.
 

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Of course you can change your mind! He may never. I guess you will have to figure out if this is a deal-breaker for you.

My widowed Father happily lived with a woman for 7 yrs. planning to never re-marry. She like you, wanted to be married so she gave him an ultimatum - split up or marry. He chose split up.

He moved out, was miserable w/o her for 6 mos. then married her - 20 yrs. happily married until he passed.

I don't really care much for ultimatums but in her case it worked!

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thanks everyone. I'm not the type to give ultimatums. I would hate for him to marry me because he felt he had to. I want him to choose it on his own. I will talk to him about a ring exchange and see how he feels about it. We do have a great thing going and this isn't a deal breaker I just need to get over my initial sadness I guess. I hope that there is some way to work out the legal stuff.
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Soifon -- having just been a key leader in an FRG for my H's unit, there is nothing that you NEED to be married for outside of shopping at the commissary. Which I got to tell you, I don't even shop there. Its cheaper to go to the market off post here, and better quality.

He identifies his Primary Next of Kin and his Secondary Next of Kin. He fills in the blanks. He can leave his life insurance to whomever he wants. He can make you your own mypay account to see his LES every month. Power of Attorney's for all the other stuff.

Making my calls this past homecoming, about 40% of the people I called were parents or girlfriends. I asked them all to participate and to feel free to call. They were invited to everything. Times are changing. Unless you NEEDED medical coverage through him, I don't see why anything would need to change.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thank you Dawn!!! I've been trying to research and I guess the info that I've been getting is outdated? This is our first deployment, for him and me so he doesn't really know these answers either yet. I've just been going off of what I can find. That is a huge reassurance for me though. I'm wondering if he didn't realize he can put anyone down, I'll have to mention it to him. He isn't the best with reading comprehension and just rushes through that kind of stuff. We just had a baby so he will need to revisit a lot of his paperwork I think so that will be a good opportunity to adjust some things.

And no I don't need medical coverage, mine is actually better and we are going through the process now to prove him as my domestic partner so he can be on my insurance.

I feel a lot better with your post :) Thank you.
 

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I think you need to explore in more depth what it is that you are REALLY searching for?

Do you feel like the love isn't official unless you're married? Do you feel like he's not committed to you unless it's legal? Are you embarrassed by the social connotation of being single?

What is it specifically that makes this difficult for you?

My guess is that you are afraid, possibly of the uncertainty of the future, and that this is an action step he can take for you that will bring you some comfort.

If that is the case, I'd tell you that it is a false comfort. Marriage doesn't MAKE trust. It doesn't alleviate fears or concerns. Whatever problems you have before an official marriage will remain after the papers are signed. There are no guarantees in the future.
 

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I wouldn't doubt it. Finding the current stuff can be exhausting. Tell him to talk to either S1 or his platoon leader/squad leader/etc and they will point him in the right direction to change anything he needs to.
 
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