[Dazed Confused]

Hi all,

Here's my situation and I need help in understanding what is causing our problem and if there anything concrete I can do to overcome it.

I am a 35 year old woman, my husband is 38. We got married a year and a half ago and dated for 2 years before that. We have had sex about 10 times since we got married. I *think* this is not normal, but often wonder if it could be. Need help.

It was my decision to hold off on sex until we got married and he was fine with that (Neither of us had sex before and only had a couple of serious relationships of our own) When we dated, there was LOTS of romance, our intimate moments were very promising... I didn't have any doubts about how our love life would be after we got married.

After getting married - from the first night to now, there were numerous escalating attempts by me to talk about why we don't have sex, why any of my attempts don't work, if there is a reason for it. Most of the time there were no responses, or he shoo'd it away. If there was any conversation from his end, it was only when I would be at the end of my wits, weeping, begging for answers. In each of these episodes, weeks and months apart even, there were different reasons given to me.

Reasons like... he doesn't like wearing condoms and we need lube. We got lube, never used it.
Weeks later, after another episode of me coming down on him with tears and anger, he said he can't work out the mechanics of having sex and it's holding him back. We talked about him researching this, and I offered to try whatever positions, whatever I could to help. We had sex that night. And that's it. Note - he's obese and I'm overweight. I've lost weight since.
Months later, after putting myself to through hell and back wondering if he was gay, I brought up the topic again. He swears he's not, and that he just has low drive and when the urges come, its in the middle of the night. I asked him to wake me up, I wouldn't mind. I asked if I could do more to arouse... etc etc. We attempted sex that night. And that's it.

6 months since the last time - the longest we went without sex. This time he said - he has pain during intercourse. He's not circumcised. And I am 'tight' down there. We talked about surgery, but he's not willing to do it. He ordered something online that is supposed to loosen me up - I use it to but I dont think it's going to help any.

This past 6-9 months is a pivotal time for ME I think, because I started making my peace with this - that sex was just not his thing, it would never be, so I'll have to adjust. I'm currently in the frame of mind that all couples of problems and this is our big one. We'll work it out over time, if anything. And if not, I'm ok with it. Life has to go on. I haven't cried much since.

This part I'm starting to realize now is dangerous, but... I went off birth control 2 months back. I want kids. He says he wants kids also. If sex is just something we do to conceive, and he's willing to do it... at least to conceive, then that's the best for now (I'm thinking). Life must go on and we'll probably spend the rest of our lives figuring this out.

We did have sex last week. Probably our 10th time in a year and half.

Need advice - is this somewhat normal?

 

[Faithful Wife]

No not normal and please get back on birth control!!!

I have a friend who is married to a guy just like you have described. He is obese but apparently even when he wasn’t and was very young, he just was never very sexual. She married him thinking this was a good thing. She had left a marriage to a guy (Not for an affair, it was years before) who was a creep, had cheated on her, and was just weirdly sexual and it was gross to her.

So she thought aw this sweet guy who loves me for me and isn’t all about just sex.

She had no idea he would never be about sex, like, ever. Last time I asked her it had been more than 3 years and she’s given up trying.

She has a 9 year old with him and is just now waiting out the clock until he’s a little older.

But she is miserable.

She went through the years of trying and it sounded just like your efforts. And his answers were the same. And there was never any change.

Don’t let this be you. People who don’t have a sex drive consistently throughout their fertile years are not going to change. They may say they will try to change because they fear losing you but they cannot follow through.

I’m sorry to tell you all of this. I told my friend I just wrote about basically the same thing the first time I heard her story (that low drive people don’t change if that’s their default setting) and she railed against me and was angry that I took away hope from her. It was hard to say to her, but I stuck by my word.

It has been about 15 years since then and she is more miserable than she’s ever been in her life (for years now). I wish I wasn’t right then and I wish I wasn’t right now.

 

[Faithful Wife]

Oh and PS...I only wrote about that one friend because her sitch is so much like yours. I’ve known many other women (myself included) who have been in sexless relationships. Most have split up (as I did). The ones who haven’t are miserable just like the friend I mentioned. Some have had affairs. This is not a good solution.

Please ask your H to go to sex therapy with a qualified therapist and if he can’t do that and come to meet you in the middle somehow sexually (withou you begging for it) then you want a divorce. It’s the only thing that might snap him awake. But you can only say this when you really mean it and are ready to walk if there’s no change.

Even if he can accomplish some change, I would say he would need to show it consistently for at least a year before you should assume a lasting improvement.

 

[BluesPower]

No no no no....

Nothing about this is normal at all. What is even more not NORMAL is that you are even considering staying married if he does not step of to the plate.

SO, I am going to be really frank. I am just trying to be completely honest with you. Sex, for almost everyone in the world is important.

He has several problems, not the least of which is he is probably gay. He may not have acted on it, but it is a strong possibility here. No matter what he says.

You are both EXTREMELY inexperienced, with everything not just sex. The work that you are going to have to do to fix this will be very hard.

He, if not gay, is that he is completely sexually insecure. Being obese, he is probably insecure about everything.

And if it help you to get a picture of how not normal this is, most people at least at the beginning of the marriage, have sex almost every single day, or every other day for sure.

He is low drive because he is fat, insecure, among a host of issues. Fat in the male body, turns testosterone into estrogen.

So unless you want to live a life of quiet desperation you are going go get really tough about this and be willing to divorce if he does not want to change.

One reason that you do not understand how important sex is, good sex, is that you have never had any.

Are you able to take the bull by the horns and get tough or will you just accept your fate...

 

[Faithful Wife]

PSS...I read your first post a little closer and noticed that you want to just make peace with this.

That is ok too! Some of my friends have made their peace with it and have foregone a sex life just to stay with a man they love.

In that case, my advice is to truly make peace with it to the point that you love him for all he is and don’t think of what is normal for others. You’ll have to make your own normal. This can be good if your heart and body really accept it.

 

[Faithful Wife]

@TheCuriousWife has a somewhat successful story about her LD husband. Maybe if she sees this she will chime in.

She was dedicated to making it work with him and it paid off.

 

[sunsetmist]

Sexual interactions release chemicals that enhance marital bonding. Connection and intimacy are especially important to women and contribute to marital fulfillment for both.

I'm thinking he should see his physician for blood tests, etc. and a referral to a urologist, and then y'all see a sex therapist.

He is not likely to agree to all of this because he doesn't realize the ramifications of the problem. You then have decisions to make. Please use birth control for just a bit longer--know your clock is ticking.

 

[arbitrator]

@Dazed Confused ~ You both are obviously prime candidates for joint sexual therapy!

Pursue it with an absolute vengeance!

 

[oldshirt]

Not only is this not normal, there isn't anything even healthy about it.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT OR HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!

Kids often spell the end of good, passionate sex lives. In your case, once kid(s) come, you will never have sex again and then there will be custody issues and child support and single parenthood issues when you do divorce.

Am I understanding correctly that he was a 35 year old virgin when you got together??
and he was cool with not having sex at all prior to getting married?

The chances are he is simply a dud male and will never even be adequate in the sack. Sure you may be able to get his penis hard enough to enter you sometime and maybe even deliver enough sperm to conceive (don't do it!!)
.

Therapy and counseling etc may get him to the point that he puts out now and then to try keep you from ditching him for someone else.

But to go from 35 year old virgin and 10 attempts at clumsy, awkward penetration in a year and a half to good, passionate sex is too much of a spread.

With time and therapy and realistic threat of adultery/divorce, you may be able to go from Dud to less-of-a-dud. But to go from Dud to Stud is unrealistic.

If you value an active, healthy, vigorous and passionate sex life, you are probably barking up the wrong tree here.

You can shell out years and 10s of thousands of dollars of therapy and counseling and bump that up to maybe 10 times of lackluster sex in a year. Or you can cut your losses and amicably dissolve the marriage and find one of the 3 billion men on earth that actually want to have an active sex life and are ready, willing and able to step up to the plate.

 

[Violet28]

Is he open to seeing a medical doctor?

 

[Faithful Wife]

Also if you have kids with him, be prepared to feel agonizing guilt about not modeling a sexually healthy marriage for them.

My friend mentioned above, she understands now how lack of a sexual connection and all the pain and resentment of her marriage created a poor environment for their child and he didn’t thrive very well at first. Because the parents were disconnected and resentful of each other, this seeped into the child too (as it would with any child).

If you are willing to accept your marriage as it is, I would just try to plan on explaining when it is appropriate to any kids you have that their dad and you don’t have a conventional sexual relationship. Perhaps point them to an aunt or uncle who does have one to help out with these conversations.

I’m just strongly urging you to consider how future children will be affected.

What was your parents marriage like? Why did you remain a virgin so long?

 

[Mr.Married]

Like Arbitrator says: Your the perfect candidates for sex therapy.

If he refuses to go then you have your answer about how interested he is in making you happy in an important part of marriage (none)


DO NOT GET PREGNANT. CHILDREN DO NOT REPAIR A MARRIAGE....BUT THEY SURE CAN PROLONG A BAD ONE !!!!!

Your in a tough spot. It seems to me that the longer these things go on, the harder it is to repair. Your very early into this....I think you have a chance.

 

[Mr.Married]

35/38 both virgins. Somewhere there is a piece of information missing. Where are you from and what religion? Nothing destroys human sexuality like a good dose of religion.

 

[uhtred]

OK a few comments form someone who has been in a sexually mismatched marriage for >30 years.

First this is not at all typical - but it happens. There are some people who do not want sex. Often their marriage partners live their lives miserable and depressed.

Go to asexuality.org there is a LOT of information thre.

Please please, do not have children until you have clearly decided whether or not you want to live your life without sex. that is *your* choice, but it is very likely what will happen if you have kids. You will not want to leave your children, or send their father away "just because of sex" and may find yourself unable to ever leave.

Please think through your future carefully - make a decision and accept that you will need to live with that decision.

If you are a person with typical level of sexual interest, I would recommend that you leave, rather then spend your life feeling cheated out of something so important.

 

[arbitrator]

35/38 both virgins. Somewhere there is a piece of information missing. Where are you from and what religion? Nothing destroys human sexuality like a good dose of religion.

Conversely, I know a plethora of Christians, both Protestant and Catholic, who are sexually "randy!" They know that we have a loving God who richly condones the act of sex as a gift bestowed to mankind for both procreation and pleasure!

 

[uhtred]

This is *very* important!

I was raised in what I now realize was a very unusual household, with parents who provided no hint of physical affection of sexuality. I grew up thinking that was typical, and I think that is a large part of why I didn't realize how unusual my relationship was with my future wife.

It took me a very long time to realize that sex was something typical couples did regularly, and that we did not have anything like a typical relationship. By then it was too late.

Also if you have kids with him, be prepared to feel agonizing guilt about not modeling a sexually healthy marriage for them.

My friend mentioned above, she understands now how lack of a sexual connection and all the pain and resentment of her marriage created a poor environment for their child and he didn’t thrive very well at first. Because the parents were disconnected and resentful of each other, this seeped into the child too (as it would with any child).

If you are willing to accept your marriage as it is, I would just try to plan on explaining when it is appropriate to any kids you have that their dad and you don’t have a conventional sexual relationship. Perhaps point them to an aunt or uncle who does have one to help out with these conversations.

I’m just strongly urging you to consider how future children will be affected.

What was your parents marriage like? Why did you remain a virgin so long?

 

[wilson]

One possibility is that he is used to masturbation and may be doing that regularly even while you're married. It is very common for men to masturbate, and I would expect that he did so frequently before you were married. Based on what you are describing, I'm guessing he is still doing it. You may wonder why he isn't jumping at the chance to have sex instead of masturbate, but that could be because they feel different. They both feel good, but they feel good in their own ways. Maybe the sex feels foreign and he's uncomfortable with this.

I'm just guessing about the masturbation, but if that is the case, it's important not to freak out about it. Yes, it can be a problem, but it's something that would be best managed through love and understanding. If he feels attacked or belittled over it, he will likely retreat and it will be harder to fix.

Like I said, I'm just guessing here. You shouldn't assume that this is what is going on. Based on both of your lack of experiences with sex, I would also recommend you go to a sex therapist to work through through these issues.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

It does appear it's all about the future.

Where do you see yourself in a year?

Or 3, 5 yrs?

The focus here being "yourself".

If you see yourself in an asexual relationship and happy that is a choice but at least it's way, way more common to be in a more sexual relationship of some form.

Best,

 

[Holdingontoit]

Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get married while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Violating Rule #2 is much worse than rule #1. The tie between you doesn't end with divorce if you have kids together. The pain of getting divorced is magnified if you have kids together.

Good luck. Addressing this is not easy. And please know that freeing both of you to find someone more compatible is not failure. It is success. There are women out there who hate sex and would be thrilled to be married to a man who rarely wants it. There are men out there desperately trying to find a woman who enjoys frequent and enthusiastic sex. Don't lash yourself to someone where all the two of you will do is torture each other. If he won't get help to overcome his aversion to sex (and yes, if you have only had sex 10 times in 18 months of marriage, then he has an aversion to sex), free both of you to be who you want to be.

Do not feel guilty. Sexual mismatch is more than sufficient justification to end a marriage. It isn't "just sex". It is the one thing you both vowed only to share with each other and never seek with anyone else. If he will not provide what you need sexually, then he should free you from your vows. It is that simple.

 

[jorgegene]

Conversely, I know a plethora of Christians, both Protestant and Catholic, who are sexually "randy!" They know that we have a loving God who richly condones the act of sex as a gift bestowed to mankind for both procreation and pleasure!

and i would add that biblically speaking, not only does the Christian God condone sex, but actually mandates it, except for certain circumstances.
I could quote bible verses that urges frequent sex, but i will spare readers. Suffice it to say that "for this reason a man shall leave his mother
and father and cling to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh". Literally 'one flesh' as per the mystical, spiritual and physical union between man and woman.
the physical part is most necessary to complete the union. without it, the marriage is incomplete.

and as with the other parts, the physical is not a one or two time thing, but an ongoing habitual practice that nourishes, secures and sustains the union.
nor do you have to be religious to buy into this paradigm. its just the way it is.