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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I told DH I want a divorce last Friday- he spent the weekend coming up with ways to try to get me to give him one more chance. I have decided that I can't, out of fairness to both of us, give him yet another chance. I have a few questions for anyone else who is or has dealt with "this can't happen, I can't lose you, no u won't allow it".

1. How do I tell him it's over for real, while hurting him the least. We have two kids, so it's important to keep it as amicable as possible
2. When do I tell him? He is leaving town in a week and a half, for 2 weeks. Do I tell him before, let him process (and maybe move out during that time) or say something along the lines of: let's not talk for those two weeks and discuss this when you get home.
3. When do I tell my parents? I'm petrified they will be angry, and try to talk me out of it- as he is like their best friend. I'm going to Disneyland with my mom in a week, and don't want her angry the whole time, but am also not sure i can lie to her for 5 days, if she asks about how we are doing...

So my decision is made, but I'm scared and unsure how to move forward. The first talk was only successful in getting him to beg plead, and promise change. It took me 2 years to get the courage to have the first talk- and getting prepped for the second is proving to be even more difficult. I'm done and need to find strength to move forward. Please, any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much!
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Tell him before he goes out of town. Sounds like, if you don't, he will fixate during the entire trip and that will make it that much harder. Not sure how you phrase it. You say you can't give him "another" chance, so should we assume you've given him chances in the past? Tell him straight out. You are done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I posted yesterday explaining more about my situation, about being more confused than ever- but realize that doing the right thing, even though it is so hard. It's just hard to get past the guilt of hurting him, even though I know he has hurt me so badly.
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I told DH I want a divorce last Friday- he spent the weekend coming up with ways to try to get me to give him one more chance. I have decided that I can't, out of fairness to both of us, give him yet another chance. I have a few questions for anyone else who is or has dealt with "this can't happen, I can't lose you, no u won't allow it".

1. How do I tell him it's over for real, while hurting him the least. We have two kids, so it's important to keep it as amicable as possible
2. When do I tell him? He is leaving town in a week and a half, for 2 weeks. Do I tell him before, let him process (and maybe move out during that time) or say something along the lines of: let's not talk for those two weeks and discuss this when you get home.
3. When do I tell my parents? I'm petrified they will be angry, and try to talk me out of it- as he is like their best friend. I'm going to Disneyland with my mom in a week, and don't want her angry the whole time, but am also not sure i can lie to her for 5 days, if she asks about how we are doing...

So my decision is made, but I'm scared and unsure how to move forward. The first talk was only successful in getting him to beg plead, and promise change. It took me 2 years to get the courage to have the first talk- and getting prepped for the second is proving to be even more difficult. I'm done and need to find strength to move forward. Please, any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much!
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It took u two years to work up the courage? I'm afraid you need to work on yourself rather than pursue divorce.
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Ok I think I stated it wrong- it wasn't that it took me 2 years to get the courage...it was that I gave him 2 years of chance after chance.
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Ok I think I stated it wrong- it wasn't that it took me 2 years to get the courage...it was that I gave him 2 years of chance after chance.
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Did you sit him down and tell him during those two years that if x,y,z does not change, I am not going to stay in this marriage?

There's a difference between saying I don't like when you do x. Our partners will always do things that we don't like. We have to expect that they can't and should not cave into all of our demands. It's up to us to say which are deal breakers.

Not that it really matters right now because you have obviously made up your mind, but sometimes it can feel a bit like mind reading on the other end. He seems pretty shocked.
 

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1. Tell him you don't see this working and you need space to yourself to work things out

2. Tell him sooner than later, most likely before his trip. Don't draw it out, just rip it off like a band-aid.

3. It is concerning you are petrified about what your parents will think. This is your life, not thiers. They should be willing to support you, no matter what. If they are telling you what to do as an adult, it sounds like there is an unhealthy relationship between you all.


Dedicated2Her said:
It took u two years to work up the courage? I'm afraid you need to work on yourself rather than pursue divorce.
Going along with #3 above, you should seek counseling and get some help. There sounds like there are things you need to address that will help you throughout your life.
 

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Ok I think I stated it wrong- it wasn't that it took me 2 years to get the courage...it was that I gave him 2 years of chance after chance.
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Ok. Fair enough. Chance after chance to do what?
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From lynndott's original post:
Dating for 4 years, married at 21. Now married for 9 years. 2 kids, 4 and 7. Lots of problems- He doesnt respect me. He put me in a physical situation with another other couple that I TOLD him I didnt want to be in, and pressured me. (I didnt though). He has been caught posting a profile on a gross website looking for a woman (or multiple)- although he swears he just made a profile to check out the site. He doesnt try in our marriage. He is short with me. He lies to me about stupid things, and about bigger things. I have caught him lying about hanging out with someone he has hour and a half conversations with- he says shes gross and they are just friends. That they just talk about work. We havent had sex in over a year, and it was a year before that. I just cant bring myself to.

Trying to list all the things I feel are wrong is a lot harder than I thought. I think over the last 4 years I have just pushed a lot of them out of my mind, in order to try to make the marriage work. At one point, 2 years ago, I left him, but when he cried and begged, I agreed to try. I sought counseling, and we went to marriage counseling together, and I feel as though I have tried everything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
At one point, almost two years ago, I packed up and left. He begged and pleaded and said things would change. He would respect me and prove to me that he loves me. We sought MC, I did IC, read love languages, everything! Things still haven't changed. I'm not sure what else I could have done to make him realize I was serious about leaving if XYZ didn't happen. An yes, he's seriously shocked, but I'm not sure how he can be. We were here before... He knew this was a possibility. :( it is heartbreaking and I can't stop crying, yet I know it's the right decision.
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I'm not sure what else I could have done to make him realize I was serious about leaving if XYZ didn't happen. An yes, he's seriously shocked, but I'm not sure how he can be.
He is not so much SHOCKED as he is SCARED.
  • You're the only relationship HE'S ever known (as an adult.)
  • He will no longer be able to manipulate you when you are not physically with him any more.
  • He will be EXTREMELY discomfitted by having his world (physical AND emotional) turned upside down
  • living alone
  • missing you
  • missing kids
  • having to deal with everything YOU usually handle
  • having to start over
  • explaining to family/friends the demise of your marriage
He's seeing HIS WORLD (the one he's always demanding be *HIS* way) fall apart and he doesn't want to deal with it.

Trust me, when you get off the crazy-train, you will start to feel better IMMEDIATELY. I know, I got off the crazy-train (STBXH is a narcissist and I left him after 19yrs of marriage). I am happier than I've been in years, looking into some counseling so I can choose a future that is BETTER than my past!

Love and strength to you, Lynndotts!
 

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At one point, almost two years ago, I packed up and left. He begged and pleaded and said things would change. He would respect me and prove to me that he loves me. We sought MC, I did IC, read love languages, everything! Things still haven't changed. I'm not sure what else I could have done to make him realize I was serious about leaving if XYZ didn't happen. An yes, he's seriously shocked, but I'm not sure how he can be. We were here before... He knew this was a possibility. :( it is heartbreaking and I can't stop crying, yet I know it's the right decision.
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I'm sorry for this. I just can't respect a man of this type.
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
We did marriage counseling for about 4 months, 2 years ago. It didn't really do anything for us.

I am just a mess. I've made my decision, but feel nauseous about the thought of bringing it up again. We talked about it 3 days in a row last weekend, and I was extremely strong in the fact that I was done- yet he still can wrap his head around the decision. I just don't know how to say it any clearer, without being rude. But I need to, because I'm a mess. Limbo is so hard. :( I don't want to cry anymore.
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