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My husband has been gone 5 days now and wants to come home. He was removed by police and I haven't taken out a restraining order yet because there are two kinds and I haven't decided if I want a full no contact or there is a nonviolence order that allows for contact and for him to be in the house but if he touches me, it's an automatic arrest. I am a stay at home mom and we need to be able to discuss finances, insurance and things like that.

We have two kids and he has not even taken them for a visit. He Txts them but that's about it. His parents are pretty happy because they hate me and according to him have been telling him what to do to "screw me over" even IF he and I were to work things out, I know his parents are in the background preparing him to basically ambush me in a divorce.

I told him that I am promising nothing but if he wants to keep in contact with me that he has to own up to what he did and find a way to understand that everything he did was wrong.

I admit that I'm not perfect but refuse to take ANY responsibility for the abuse he has done to me and inadvertently to the kids. He doesn't understand that physically hitting me and sexually abusing me trickles down to them in many ways.

I am angry and rightfully so. I have been violated in every way possible and when he was here I lived in my bedroom so I could stay away from him. But in doing that I have missed out on many things with my kids.

Now that he is gone, I have been comfortable being out and about and while I get depressed, it's because of what's happening right now and it comes in bursts. When he's here I have no energy or motivation. I don't want to give that up.

But I am so confused over what to do and will not make any decisions until my brain has calmed down and had some time to process some of these things. I hope this is the right way to handle it.
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I'm sure the 5 days away has taught him a valuable lesson and once you reopen your home and your arms to this gentle, loving man, things will be amazing and you'll be glad you gave him another chance.

Just make sure you keep a can of mace handy in case he hasn't fully redeemed himself.

You know those urges to beat and sexually abuse a person don't always disappear overnight.
 

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Why would you want to get back with someone who abuses you?

Have you found a counselor that deals with victims of abuse? You really need to do that because you need help in learning to love yourself and protect yourself and your children. He might not be abusing them directly.. but he does harm then when he harms you.

Of course he wants to come back right now. He wants any possibility of any charges and restraining order to be put to rest. If he goes into divorce with these on his record, he will be have a hard time.

You say that his parents are busy coaching him on how to screw you over. Well this could very well be something that they are telling him to do. You see if you take him back and do not pursue the charges and restraining order, none of his abuse will count in the divorce. Why? Because he can argue that you made false accusations. After all if he had abused you, why would you let him back in your life and to live with you?

What might very well happen if you continue to pursue the charges and restraining order is that he will be ordered to anger management classes and counseling.

You go to counseling yourself.

See a lawyer to get at least a legal separation (or a divorce if you want) in place. This will give you child and spousal support. It will also establish custody of the children.

At this point it's important for you to establish that you have primary custody. Right now he can get your children and refuse to return them to you. Then you would have to go to court and fight him. So get custody locked down NOW. Do you really want him to have primary custody? His mother will be raising your children. Protect your children.

I think you want to feel like he loves you. You want the guy who he is in his best moments. That is why you are thinking of letting him back. You want that guy. Well he's not that guy. He's an emotionally and physically abusive person.
 

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Why people stay with abusers is a subject that this poor, lost, confused, and probably terrified woman is in no way able to even begin to answer.

Unfortunately not only is she placing herself back in danger but she's doing the same thing to her innocent children.
I agree with you. But it does not hurt to ask her to think of the question.

I know part of the reason. The hormone oxytocin is the hormone that bonds people and make them feel in-love.

In a good relationship, all the good things, keep your brains producing lots of it.

When a woman gives child birth, she produces lot of oxytocin. It helps to numb the memory of the pain. Oxytocin is often called the amnesia hormone. Without it there would probably never be any second children because the memory of the pain would make women not want to have more.

But in an abusive relationship something the brain does something that sabotages the victim. It produces lots of oxytocin (and other brain chemicals) to try to protect the victim. With abuse, the victim's brain produces and uptakes a lot of oxytocin to numb the memory of the abuse.

This is why abuse victims often say how much they love their abuser and seem unable to break away. Abuse strongly bonds a victim to their abuser.

In order to break away from the abuser, the victim needs to have no contact with their abuser so that the oxytocin cycle stops. Until it stops they will feel like they are in withdrawal (emotional pain).

I've read about studies that they did on girls who are abused when they are young. They often develop abnormal oxytocin responses the predisposes them to getting into abusive relationships as an adult.
 

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AFallenAngel,

Something else that I think you need to know.

Most women who are murdered by their significant other or spouse, are murdered the 3rd time they try to leave their abuser (SO/spouse).

Each time you try to break up with him, the danger to you goes up.


You need to take leaving him very seriously. An please, please get some counseling and support from an organization that helps women in your situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I'm sure the 5 days away has taught him a valuable lesson and once you reopen your home and your arms to this gentle, loving man, things will be amazing and you'll be glad you gave him another chance.

Just make sure you keep a can of mace handy in case he hasn't fully redeemed himself.

You know those urges to beat and sexually abuse a person don't always disappear overnight.
I know those urges don't just disappear but I want to see him get help. Right now, he has a place to stay and he says he is going to meetings and reading. But he has to own up to what he did and I don't see that coming soon. But I will go to counseling with him as long as both he and the therapist understand that this is not an effort to get back together but more likely a preparation for an amicable divorce.
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AFallenAngel,

Something else that I think you need to know.

Most women who are murdered by their significant other or spouse, are murdered the 3rd time they try to leave their abuser (SO/spouse).

Each time you try to break up with him, the danger to you goes up.


You need to take leaving him very seriously. An please, please get some counseling and support from an organization that helps women in your situation.
I understand everything you are saying and I am taking it very seriously but my faith keeps telling me that God is greater than this and I believe that with all my heart. But I also know that we can pray and not get the answer we want and that each one of us has free will.

All I want is for him to get help and the scariest thing if we get divorced is that he will have unsupervised visitation of the girls and I can't handle the thought of that.

My gut instincts tell me Im an idiot to let him back but my moral side says that before I file for divorce, I need to do everything possible to change things first. But as of right now, I am happy with him gone and I like the feeling that I am safe in my bed or anywhere else in my house and I also understand that my feelings and confusion are from 18 years of brainwashing and abuse.

As long as he has a place to stay, I am not saying yes. If it so happens that he no longer has a place to stay, that's when I'll be sure to get the restraining order so he is forced into finding a place. But as long as he doesn't actively try to move back in, Im content with the way things are.

Idk if any of this makes sense because this is the first time I actually stood up and reported what happened to me. I have lived in silence for so long and I wasn't even the person who called the cops. He did because I had his phone and wouldn't give it back until I was sure he had no nude pictures of me. He has a habit of taking pictures without my knowledge and sharing them online.

He wouldn't let me delete them so I took the phone. He hasn't slept in my bed for two years and am not sure when he took the latest pics but Im pretty sure he deleted them. He has three photo apps on his phone and has also shared his nude pics with other women.

And I know to anyone reading this, I sound like a nutjob for being confused. The answer isn't really all that simple when you have no income and kids and no support system.

What hurts the most is that my family didn't know any of this. They knew he cheated on me and that was it. I know some of them know a bit more now but am positive they don't know the worst of it. All they know is that he beat me up over his phone and why it was so important I not give it back and NOT ONE of them has called to ask how I am doing or offer emotional support. One thing I do know is that they talk about it among themselves because to them, it's just good gossip. I couldn't tell them what was happening because they all talk about me but not to me so all I have IRL are two friends but one has her own issues so really I have one friend I could talk to on Sunday but later that night Her husband had a stroke on Sunday, the day after it happened so that puts me back to nobody IRL
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That other poster was being sarcastic I think they were a troll and got banned.

Please don't let him back in the house. Perhaps after months and months of extensive therapy, only on the advice of your counselors who are intimately aware of the situation, can you even possibly begin to consider it.
I'm pretty sure I know who that troll is. Some creep is following me here and has already been banned in here after a response. But I'm thinking a year is probably a better time making the right choices for me and my family.
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I'm pretty sure I know who that troll is. Some creep is following me here and has already been banned in here after a response. But I'm thinking a year is probably a better time making the right choices for me and my family.
No it is not a troll that is following you. We get these types of posts just about everyday. They create accounts with weird names, make short, odd posts and include a tracking pixel that usually cannot be seen in the posts.

I've deleted a few of these by different user accounts tonight. I banned the accounts a well.
 

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"I understand everything you are saying and I am taking it very seriously but my faith keeps telling me that God is greater than this and I believe that with all my heart."

God is greater than this. Your husband isn't. God doesn't want his children to be beaten and abused. What if God considers it an insult that one of his children allows them-self to be beaten and abused? The first few times, you're a victim. After that, you're a volunteer.

Please get the restraining order asap.
 

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Couple of things.

If he was "removed" by the police does that mean arrested? If so then their is a mandatory restraining order in place. Generally they are 72 hours though so it may have expired you would have to check you local statutes

You are wise to be considering the fact that he will have unsupervised visitation with the kiddos if you divorce cause he will unless it can be proven in court he abused them. Proven is more than testimonial evidence by the way. So my thought would be to use this opportunity to force him into counseling. He wants something, to come back home. Tell him that you will consider it only if he gets some individual counseling for a couple of months

You shouldn't let somone you deem unsafe back in your lives.

Also start to consider where you might go in the mean time. I know you said he has a place to stay however I have dealt with these types all the time. The entitlement runs high and soon as he figures out that you can't force him out the house then he can move back in or get a restraining order to get you out of the house. I hope that he is not like that and he legitimately wants to work on this but I have seen it one to many times not to be jaded
 

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"I understand everything you are saying and I am taking it very seriously but my faith keeps telling me that God is greater than this and I believe that with all my heart."

God is greater than this. Your husband isn't. God doesn't want his children to be beaten and abused. What if God considers it an insult that one of his children allows them-self to be beaten and abused? The first few times, you're a victim. After that, you're a volunteer.

Please get the restraining order asap.
So you are saying that if a person is in an abusive relationship, if they stay because they are afraid, feel trapped, have been so mentally beaten down that they don't know what to do or where to go, it's their fault when it happens again? It's not that simple and as for the restraining order,
I am following the advice of my advocate. She has dealt with this from both the inside and the outside and I've already explained why I haven't gotten the restraining order as,well as he has honored my wishes and stayed away. There are multiple things to consider and I realize that with my situation, there are quite a few things in play so as long as I can keep this amicable, I am going to follow the advice of the advocate I am working with. But thank you for your input. Sometimes it's better to hear from ppl who are outside the situation because when you are,inside, you can't even begin to think clearly which is,where I am at right now.
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God had an answer to the man that was abusing my mother and me and my sister.

It was a nearly insane 14 year old boy with a knife.

I stopped the piece of shyt because my mother damn sure wouldn't.

Get clear of this pathetic azzhole and grow healthy with your children.

You have already given this abuser too much of your life and harmed your children in the process.

The God argument that you are considering is similar to cult brainwashing. I know and love God.

He gets violent when men harm women and children.

Protect yourself and your children.
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Couple of things.

If he was "removed" by the police does that mean arrested? If so then their is a mandatory restraining order in place. Generally they are 72 hours though so it may have expired you would have to check you local statutes

You are wise to be considering the fact that he will have unsupervised visitation with the kiddos if you divorce cause he will unless it can be proven in court he abused them. Proven is more than testimonial evidence by the way. So my thought would be to use this opportunity to force him into counseling. He wants something, to come back home. Tell him that you will consider it only if he gets some individual counseling for a couple of months

You shouldn't let somone you deem unsafe back in your lives.

Also start to consider where you might go in the mean time. I know you said he has a place to stay however I have dealt with these types all the time. The entitlement runs high and soon as he figures out that you can't force him out the house then he can move back in or get a restraining order to get you out of the house. I hope that he is not like that and he legitimately wants to work on this but I have seen it one to many times not to be jaded
Ok. No. He wasn't arrested. The cops that were here treated me like a criminal because I took his phone and tried to delete some sensitive images that I never gave him permission to have. I could even show them proof he shared pics with strangers in an attempt to initiate group sex without my knowlege but all they said was "You took his phone. You can't just take his,property" I was also pretty upset when they got here after what happened and I was crying and shaking and the cop talking to me said that I was being belligerent and he was so calm that he (the cop) could see how it could have been me who attacked him. I said I wanted to press charges and my injuries,documented but they ignored the part about pressing charges and believe it or not said they didn't see a need to document my injuries,because I had his phone and can't just take,his property.

I gave the phone to the officer and told him I wanted to either have my husband watch me delete the images or I see him delete the images. The officer took the phone and walked over and handed it to my husband and walked away. I told him again that I wanted to see that the images,we're gone and he told me I had the phone long enough that I should have had time to do that except until I got away from him and in my car and locked the doors, the police showed up and so I got out of the car. After talking to both of us he was told to pack some things and leave for the night. He was allowed back on Sunday but he came with a police escort to pick up more things.

I really don't have a place to go but since he moved all of his,personal belongings,out of the house and has a residence, if I get the restraining order, he will have to leave. The DA is still looking at charges through sensitive crimes and he knows that for the most part if they decide to file that, he will be labeled a sex offender and that will change the terms of any visitation for the girls. He also knows that if they file those charges that I will cooperate fully and he will be found guilty so he has been very accommodating when it comes to listening when I say no. He made an appointment with a,therapist and wants me to go with and if I get a,no contact order, that can't happen and if I get a non violent restraining order, the first two weeks will be no contact and I'll have to miss that appointment

I want to be there not with a,goal of restoring our marriage, but more as a prep for him to accept the fact that this will likely end in divorce and he can work with the therapist and understand that what he had been doing to me is wrong and that he is lucky that I stayed with him this long and gave him as many chances as I did.

All I really want is for him to get help and to make sure that the placement arrangement for my girls is appropriate. I hope I answered everything because I haven't slept much and my brain is fried.
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You've been to hell and back. I'm so very very sorry.

I know the road you're on. You want to help him. I get that. I really do. I wanted to help my abuser, too, as sick as it sounds. And i hadnt loved him for years! I cared about him as a human being, that's all. But this problem is way bigger than you can handle. I Learned the hard way. 12 years too long.

I think you should stay with the status quo with him living elsewhere. He should get help separately from you. Both of you need to get mentally healthy. Separately. Then, if he's done the work and it's a true change, maybe you two can talk about a future together. Notice how I said talk ? Don't shack up with him again in the near future.

You know the loving gestures and talk is all a farce, right? He's an abusive, narcissistic, sexual deviant. I have nothing against group sex or naked pictures. What I am against, however, is doing all this crap without your consent. That's what makes him a sexual deviant.

I'm glad you have an advocate. They are angels here on earth. I know mine was.

I hope you come to the right decision for you and the kids. I'm just a PM away if you need to talk.
 

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Your first concern is for you and your children. F him. Do not go to therapy with him as that may mitigate the DA's options. His treatment is on him. Worry about you and your children.
 

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Ok. No. He wasn't arrested. The cops that were here treated me like a criminal because I took his phone and tried to delete some sensitive images that I never gave him permission to have. I could even show them proof he shared pics with strangers in an attempt to initiate group sex without my knowlege but all they said was "You took his phone. You can't just take his,property" I was also pretty upset when they got here after what happened and I was crying and shaking and the cop talking to me said that I was being belligerent and he was so calm that he (the cop) could see how it could have been me who attacked him. I said I wanted to press charges and my injuries,documented but they ignored the part about pressing charges and believe it or not said they didn't see a need to document my injuries,because I had his phone and can't just take,his property.

This would be correct. In this state, Colorado, you could definetly be arrested for taking the phone I guess that's pretty similar in most states . What were the injuries you had? Can you describe them? Sometime we can go with clear injuries that can be seen like finger prints on an arm, cuts, lacerations, black eye and so on. My guess would be that you had read marks , he had read marks so it was going to come down to either everyone goes to jail or no one does.


I gave the phone to the officer and told him I wanted to either have my husband watch me delete the images or I see him delete the images. The officer took the phone and walked over and handed it to my husband and walked away. I told him again that I wanted to see that the images,we're gone and he told me I had the phone long enough that I should have had time to do that except until I got away from him and in my car and locked the doors, the police showed up and so I got out of the car. After talking to both of us he was told to pack some things and leave for the night. He was allowed back on Sunday but he came with a police escort to pick up more things.

This is also correct. We don't have the power to force someone to delete images. We can take the phone for evidence if used in a criminal case but that's about it. Having an officer keep the peace while he picked up things is very smart for both of you

I really don't have a place to go but since he moved all of his,personal belongings,out of the house and has a residence, if I get the restraining order, he will have to leave. The DA is still looking at charges through sensitive crimes and he knows that for the most part if they decide to file that, he will be labeled a sex offender and that will change the terms of any visitation for the girls. He also knows that if they file those charges that I will cooperate fully and he will be found guilty so he has been very accommodating when it comes to listening when I say no. He made an appointment with a,therapist and wants me to go with and if I get a,no contact order, that can't happen and if I get a non violent restraining order, the first two weeks will be no contact and I'll have to miss that appointment

I wouldn't put all the eggs in the basket of him becoming an RSO. Proving non stranger sexual assault is beyond difficult in court. I mean it really is and unless you get him on a pretext phone call, which I don't know if that's legal in your state, or a mirandized confession it just won't happen. And even if it did plenty of sex offenders still see thier kids...this varies from state to state but when it comes to custody unless direct abuse to the children is proven they don't care what he did to you. I don't agree with it but that's just the way family courts are.

I want to be there not with a,goal of restoring our marriage, but more as a prep for him to accept the fact that this will likely end in divorce and he can work with the therapist and understand that what he had been doing to me is wrong and that he is lucky that I stayed with him this long and gave him as many chances as I did.

All I really want is for him to get help and to make sure that the placement arrangement for my girls is appropriate. I hope I answered everything because I haven't slept much and my brain is fried.
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lol you actually did very well for being sleep deprived :smile2: I'm sorry I misunderstood earlier that you don't want this marriage to work. I think you should absolutely go and get a restraining order and get it NOW before he does. Don't fool yourself that he can't and that it wouldn't force you out of your house. When domestic violence is alleged they will give a temp restraining order to anyone with almost no purden of proof, that all comes when you try and make it permanent. Get it ASAP, make sure your kids are listed and if he violates the order make sure you press charges. Those are generally contemp of court charges and judges hate when thier orders are not followed

Good luck !
 

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Your first concern is for you and your children. F him. Do not go to therapy with him as that may mitigate the DA's options. His treatment is on him. Worry about you and your children.
I also agree therapy will not work. And zero reason for it if you don't want to reconcile. Just cut all ties, get restraining order, and proceed with divorce
 

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Your first concern is for you and your children. F him. Do not go to therapy with him as that may mitigate the DA's options. His treatment is on him. Worry about you and your children.
I agree with this.

You should not go to counseling with him right now. You should be in counseling for yourself.

He got the police to escort him to your home so he can see you and continue his control of you. Now he wants you to go to counseling with him because he wants to see you and continue his control of you.

Be careful. Abusers are master manipulators. They often convince a therapist that the victim is the crazy one. Thus turning the abuser into you victim. Then you have the counselor and your abuser, further abusing you. Do not go to counseling with him.

He needs to do this on his own. That is when you can tell that he's changing.. when he does it on his own without you mothering him.

Yes you are mothering him. You seem to be co-dependent. That's when you put another person's wellbeing ahead of your own. It's also a form of trying to control your environment. If only you could come up with the exact right thing to do (like go to counseling with him) he will be fixed. The more involved you are with him, the worse he will be.


Here are some books that will help you. Often time the right book is much more helpful than a counselor.. or is at least as good as hours of counseling... so it's good to augment counseling this way.

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft

Amazon.com: Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie
 
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