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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I got the I love you but I am not in love with you a month ago. I asked for the chance to win his heart back and he agreed. I tried and thought I was making strides. I thought things were making a turn for the better until the cell phone bill arrived. I discovered he had met someone and had been calling and texting (169 times) for the past month. Per the cell phone bill I realized that the conversation a month ago happened days after he met her. He tells me it is just a friendship, and has never gone any further. I believe him, but when I asked him to stop he said he can not promise he won't contact her. He says he wants to work on us, but wants me to move completely out during this process. The house was his when we got married. He wants to date again and recapture the way we felt when we met. He said he does not know why he started the phone friendship, that maybe it was because it made him feel young again. He is going to be 48 in two weeks. I wonder if this is just a mid-life crisis or something more. I love him and want so desperately to stay together. I don't want to move out, for I fear there will be no going back. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on what to do. I believe if he wants to work on this all hope is not lost. I am currently living out of a suitcase at my mothers house to give him some time and space. We are very loving and civial and he calls me his best friend. I am his second wife. His first wife divorced him and I don't think he ever got over that hurt, and now when things are tough with us, he just withdrawl instead of fighting to make things better. We have only been married 2 1/2 years. I just want a chance to make things write and want that chance from the comfort of our home. Please advise..... I love him and I love us.
 

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It really sounds like he wants to much, almost as if he wants to shop to see before he commits to you again. An emotional affair only causes problems because he is giving her attention that should be directed towards your marriage.

It might very well be a mid life crisis, however that is no excuse for what he has done.

If you want to move it then do so, many states have laws that if that is the address that you get your mail at it is considered your dwelling and he can't kick you out. Besides you know you can always return to your mothers.

Do the two of you have kids?

How old are you?

How long did you date before marriage?

draconis
 

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This sounds like a horrible situation, my condolences.

Since he is the person with the "I am not in love" position, he should move out. He is trying to hold on to assets by having you move. He will be more likely to examine himself if he has to make the changes he is requesting you make.
 

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I believe him, but when I asked him to stop he said he can not promise he won't contact her. He says he wants to work on us, but wants me to move completely out during this process. The house was his when we got married.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I personally think (and pretty sure the law agrees) that once you married, this is now your home as well. You are not a piece of furniture he added and is now unsure whether he wants it so he'll put it in the garage for now. If he has feelings for this woman and is questioning his feelings for you, his wife, keeping in contact with her is anything but 'working on us' as he says he wants to.

If he cannot commit to ending contact with her and working on your marriage, he should be the one to leave. He seems very self-absorbed with what he wants at the moment at the expense of your feelings and vows you made to one another.
 

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It really is hard to hear someone going through a situation like yours. It sounds to me like the man has already decided to look for sparks with someone else and will only come back to you if he strikes out. Is all lost yet? Maybe not. But be careful that you don't let your love for him gloss over what he is putting you through even if he never actually has an affair. I'm not saying give up on him and what you have, but don't for second think it is acceptable for him to do this to you. If he were to just call you and ask you back tonight that doesn't mean you should go running back to him.

As everyone else has already said, you have rights to that home, regardless of whether he owned it before marrying you or not. He is the one wanting to explore, he should be the one to move out if space is what he feels you need. I would be wary that the reason he wants you out of the house is not for space from you, but space so that he can call whomever he wants whenever he wants or have someone over without you being in the way. I could be off base here, sometimes there is an honest need for distance, but if he is already calling and talking to another woman, I would be wary of his real intentions with telling you to move out.

The big thing for me is that this is a marriage in serious trouble, regardless of how much love you have for him. I would immediately look into professional marriage counseling, because if he is serious about saving your marriage, he should be open to that.
 

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I agree with the others... tell him if he wants to make changes in his life, that he should be the one to make them. Also... you have to tell him that the emotional affair with 'whosehername' must stop if he really wants to make a bit of an effort. All she is to be blunt is a distraction. With those thoughts in mind....

1. He should be the one to move out.
2. His phonefriend, got to go, bye bye!
3. Insist on counseling.
4. Email me... I may have something in mind that can help... but I can't directly tell you here. It has to be done in private.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your advice. Right now I don't have the strenghth to fight legally, and I worry that doing so would push him further away. I am 39, and we have no children. We dated only 9 months before being married. It was a whirlwind romance with proclaimations of being soul mates and so on. I am just so shocked that I didn't realize things had gotten so bad that he would seek comfort from another. Saturday before I left for my mothers I asked him to please not contact her anymore, and he said "to be honest, she wants nothing to do with any of this". It makes me wonder if he finally told her about me. I fight everyday to call her and ask her woman to woman to please not call him or take his calls, but I can't bring myself to do it for fear of what I might hear. I asked him if he was just sugar coating everything about trying only to give me false hope of a reconsiliation so I will go away quietly, or if he was serious about trying. He said he was serious about trying. Thats when he told me about her not wanting anything to do with this. I guess I will find out the truth when the next phone bill comes. I am an emotional wreck. I saw my Dr. yesterday and got some antidepressants and antianexity meds and a note for a week off work. I am a RN in surgery and can't seem to focus or stop crying long enough to provide what I would consider safe patient care. Thank you again for all your support and advise.
 

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You can talk to a paralegal or talk to a lawyer if need be. He can be responsible for your court cost depending on what state you live in. I am a 41, I was an OR nurse for over 13 years (don't bring your emotions to work or you need to take time off, this guy doesn't sound like he is worth losing your job for) my husband is 49 and when we have problems we work through them. We are both old enough not to run to the comfort of someone elses arms. We want to grow old together so therefore finding someone else to "talk to" for either of us is not an option. You have serious issues and you need to talk to a professional that can help you with all your options. This means you need therapist, and a lawyer so that you can be okay and learn to handle this better. Falling apart at work isn't handling this at all. You are a big girl, stand tall and help yourself. If it is over, let it be over with dignity. I don't see him trying to work things out. Making someone leave their home is not my way of working through things. He may not be worth you tears.
 

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Hi Josie68, I am going through a very similar situation. Me and my fiance have been together for 21 years and have lived together for 17. He is 40 this year and I am 39 in July. We have 2 lovely boys aged 8 and 3. Our problem started with my lack of libido which has been for about 10 years. (Although he hasn't particularly been the perfect partner either. He finds it very hard to be the family man and has lots of time for himself). He has now got to the point where enough is enough. He has been in contact through a website, with an old school friend who he dated for a short while when he was 17. He has also met her a few times for a drink. She is divorced with 1 child. He assures me she's just a friend who he is has been confiding in regarding our relationship. I believe him as I have seen text messages and emails from the two of them. She seems very much just his friend and tells him to talk to me (something he finds hard to do though), to try and work it out. She hopes we can, but she has also made him realise one or two things about his life. The trouble is he thinks she is very special and these feelings appear to be getting in the way. Obviously I am unhappy about the whole thing. He has told me he wants to move out to sort out his head but I am scared he won't come back. His feelings for me have diminished (not surprisingly I suppose). I have tried to make it up with him but he just turns cold and I suppose I can't blame him for that. I have now talked him in to staying for a while, take things steady for a couple of weeks, give each other space and see what happens (we owe it to ourselves and our kids) and I've promised I will be there waiting whenever (if ever) he needs me. Emotionally or physically. I am so scared of losing him, and I am paranoid about the relationship developing with his friend, although for now it seems on hold.

I am afraid I don't have any advice for you but I thought it may be a comfort to know you are not alone. I hope everything works out for you Josie68. Keep your chin up :)
 

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Josie in many states it does not matter that your husband had the house before you. The house is still a join asset. Do not leave. As the others have said, he wants the change then he can make the changes.
I would seek out legal aid. Many up and coming lawyers volunteer their time pro-bono for the experience. Ask how to go about filing for a legal separation. This is an asset protecting measure. It is not ment to be the first step to divorce. It is simply a measure to ensure you get what is legally yours should your husband decide he is not coming back. You should not lose out because he is a loser.

I dont have advice on your relationship. My own is pretty screwed up at the moment.
 
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