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Hello, I'm new to the site and really needing some solid advice. My husband and I got married on August 4, 2012... we lived together for a year before the marriage. I knew he didn't have alot going for him when we got together. No job, no car, a condo he was barely making the payments on and eventually lost... but that's not what I was after. I make great money and have a very good position as an executive. My husband is also nine years younger than me (I'm 38, he's 29)... We've both got children from previous relationships and everything was fabulous.
Pretty much the minute we got back from our honeymoon, he wanted access to my bank account. I told him no and it's now escalated to us breaking doors and screaming at each other almost on a daily basis. He wants access to my account, bank statements and wants my debt card. He says he wants this so he can contribute (which he only pays for gas for the car, runs about $50 a week...) and so he doesn't feel like he's "left out"... I'm not comfortable with this and feel like i'm in the Twilight Zone. We've started marriage counseling and are on week 4 of an 8 week plan... it's not helping. NOW, he's very selfish in bed, rarely do i even have time to be satisfied before he's rolling over and snoring, he's cold, he acts like he doesn't even like me and when I bring up all this he says, "I guess I'm just not good enough for you...". I'm so over it. I shouldn't feel this way about a new marriage, but i'm independent and have done the single mother thing for over 16 years, so I can do it again, no problem. the thing is, is that things were so perfect before... what happened and should I give him access to my banking, just so i can have the man i fell in love with?

PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS! I'm so confused and unhappy and stressed out! Thanks for your time!:(
 

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Does he have a job now? He can contribute without access to your account. He's throwing a fit. If he wants money tell him to go earn it.
 

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DO you have money? Did he think you had a lot of money? Men can be gold diggers too just saying... Maybe he wanted a sugar mamma!
 

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He works mainly off of Craigs list and the money he earns he hides until we need a tank of gas or a gallon of milk at the store. I know for a fact that he earns at least $300 a week (which I know isn't much...)

I made a commitment to this man, and this is what's keeping me with him, I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don't ever want to enter into something where I can just say "oh well, this is hard, i can always divorce him..." but really, I feel like i'm being setup or something? I can't help but feel like something is tremendously wrong, you know?
 

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He works mainly off of Craigs list and the money he earns he hides until we need a tank of gas or a gallon of milk at the store. I know for a fact that he earns at least $300 a week (which I know isn't much...)

I made a commitment to this man, and this is what's keeping me with him, I take my marriage vows very seriously and I don't ever want to enter into something where I can just say "oh well, this is hard, i can always divorce him..." but really, I feel like i'm being setup or something? I can't help but feel like something is tremendously wrong, you know?
No one goes into a marriage wanting a divorce. You need to get to the bottom of it all so you can find the right answer for yourself. If it is just about the money then it probably wont get any better from here on out but if it's not you need to find out just exactly what it is in order to fix it.
 

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I've asked him a very direct question that he can't seem to answer (or won't answer...)... I've asked him "what is it that YOU want out of this?"... What do you hope to gain from getting access to my account and what is it that you want? he can never answer me straight. He always just turns it around on me and says, why are you hiding all YOUR money, we're married, it's OUR money now and I should have some input. My biggest issue here is that he doesn't contribute, but wants me to be completely transparent with my finances. If he was to come to me and say, I'll start splitting the bills with you or I'll start paying the car payment, I would be fine with sharing, but I feel like he wants access to my account without putting forth any effort into working or contributing to the household from his side and then he'd have access into my account and that scares me. I save for things like taxes yearly (so i'm not surprised when they come due) license plates, a small home improvement savings (if the water heater or something happens...) and he's a "spend it when you get it" person. It scares me that i'll be left without any security. not to mention, i earn about 80k a year before commissions and bonus, so it's not a small amount i'm talking about. I'm just afraid he'll screw up my finances like he did with his and then when all the money's gone or we're avoiding creditors daily, he's going to blow it off and my financial security *along with my kid's financial security will be gone totally.
 

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that's what my brain is telling me, but my heart doesn't want to deal with that answer... I guess i knew all of that, it just helps to gain a little outside perspective. thanks folks...
 

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When you get married, it does become your joint money. However, I also think you need to be smart and realistic about protecting your assets, for the sake of both of you and your kids.

Could you set up a joint account for household needs and bills and agree on an amount that would be contributed by both of you to that joint account? Then keep your own separate account for emergencies, savings, etc.
 

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Hello, I'm new to the site and really needing some solid advice. My husband and I got married on August 4, 2012... we lived together for a year before the marriage. I knew he didn't have alot going for him when we got together. No job, no car, a condo he was barely making the payments on and eventually lost... but that's not what I was after. I make great money and have a very good position as an executive. My husband is also nine years younger than me (I'm 38, he's 29)... We've both got children from previous relationships and everything was fabulous.


Please don't take my post as rude....but I am confused. You lived together for a year. Who paid all the bills? Were you supporting him? You knew he was financially challenged, was something supposed to change when you married that didn't? My thinking here is he did indeed marry a "sugar momma", I'm so sorry. Was he married before? Does he pay child support? He knows most couples "share" finances, and I believe he was hoping to simply "share" your funds.

I commend you for your financial responsibility. Please DO NOT faulter from that. I understand you take your vows VERY seriously and I respect that. I would maybe start with marriage counseling? Carreer training/advancement for hubs?

I'm sorry you are here...you married him because you fell in love. Please keep us posted.
 

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In all honesty, I would seriously advise running a background check on him. If anything, it may give you some peace of mind.
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I thought Pidge was going to say "I would seriously advise running"................

I don't say this to be mean or cruel -- but he has changed and is now cold and angry -- something is not adding up ---- 2 + 2 is not equaling 4 in your marriage. You seem to want to try everything -- which I applaud -- but please be careful.
 

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There might not be a nice way to say this, but I'll try my hardest.

You married a man with no ambition. He didn't have a job when you got married, he didn't have a car, and was verging on being homeless. He still doesn't have a full time job (is he actively looking for one?) and does work off Craigslist (what kind of work are we talking about here?).

How was he paying child support when he wasn't working? Was he not paying? Who has primary custody of his child? How did you feel about marrying a man who had a child, but no ambition to care or provide for them?

Whether you intended it or not, you set yourself up as a "sugar mama." You make $80,000 + a year, and I'm thinking your husband assumed he wasn't going to need to work. Did you discuss him working before getting married?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
This is exactly the advice i'm getting from my friends and family. I guess my heart just didn't want to believe that this man I love could be this guy... but he is and i'm wearing rose colored glasses. Thanks to everyone for their advice. I offered a shared account for bills and another for savings, but he just wants mine. I'm not dense so in my mind i knew that it sounds sketchy. I supposed I just wanted to hear others confirm what i was feeling. We did live together for year before we married, and I have paid all the bills, which like i said was fine, but now he still wants me to pay the bills and have access to the accounts, which i'm really just not okay with that scenario.
 

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and he is expected to work. I am not ok with him sitting at home, so he gets odd jobs for home improvement and mechanic work off of the CL in our area... But he is totally acting like a kid who's been told he can't have access to the cookie jar.
 

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Open your own account somewhere else and move most all your money into it.

Then give him access to your account. Only put money in there that you can afford to lose.

Give him a bit of rope and I think what everyone is saying will be confirmed. He will hang himself.
 

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Open a joint account that he can contribute to. Make sure he doesn't know where the rest of your money is. Unless you actually want to pay for parties and gifts for his friends.
 

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He makes 300.00 a week? Open a joint account and you both put 300.00 a week in it and use that account to jointly save for whatever or jointly pay certain bills. If he wants you to contribute more, he needs to contribute more. This is his chance to prove that he can be a responsible financial partner. So far, his track record is one of immaturity and financially irresponsibility. If he whines about this arrangement, it's just further evidence that you've married a child. If he takes advantage of you or doesn't pull his own financial weight, it's evidence that you can't trust him with more access to your bread. Either way, it's putting the responsibility for being a man back on his shoulders. His old fashioned values hold that married money is family money but his old fashioned values should also hold that a man with a wife and a child ought to have a means of supporting both and the means needs to do more than buy the occasional jug of milk. Either he has no concept of what it takes to finance a family or he feels no burden to be fair. You already know why he wants access to your accounts. He wants your money. If all he wants is to contribute, he can leave his cash on the kitchen table or he can offer to take over some of the bills. I don't know that this guy is worth expending a great deal of effort on. He's 29. He's been an adult for 11 years but he doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
 

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Also over time he'll start to resent the fact that you earn so much more and start trying to undermine you in other ways

trust me on this, I know of what I speak

this will not end well - look after yourself. No-one likes to admit they've made a mistake with their choice of husband/wife. But the signs are all there and they ain't good...
 
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