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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So it's four weeks since H admitted he's having an EA with a woman at work. He says he can't choose between us.

Last week he told me he stopped seeing me as a wife because I did too much for him (ungrateful bastard) - so I told him maybe he stopped seeing me as a wife because he never treated me like one eg. refused to buy me flowers or go to dinner or the movies because he didn't want to spend the money (or maybe just didn't love me enough which is what I think now.)

I know I'm a people pleaser, but don't wives do nice things for their husbands? I'm talking about making his lunch, buying him things he needs, making his appointments etc

Whatever, he is now finding out exactly what it means to have NOTHING done for him. I've withdrawn from him 100% (we're still living together for the kids but only until Christmas - after that I've told him he has to leave).

I'm so mad at myself for putting up with so little for so long.
 

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You need to read this book : How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother? eBook by Sara Dimerman, J.M. Kearns - Simon & Schuster Canada

It will explain the exact dynamic that created the circumstances. It in NO WAY justifies his choice to cheat, nor his absolutely horrific display of continued disrespect. I would kick him out of the house until he shows you the respect you deserve, and smartens up. That is, if and only if you want him back. That's a big if. Do you have children together? (sorry, reread your post again, and see that yes, you do have kids. Things just went a bit gray then. Take the steps I list below if you want your marriage to have a chance to survive. You don't have to decide what you want right away, but you need to destroy the affair now, as in right now, or your marriage is done).
 

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I don't think you should enable him in the least.

Respect yourself.

Make him choose, make him choose now. You or her, no ifs, ands, or buts.

If it's her, he leaves now, he can come collect his crap off the lawn in the morning. If it is you, he does an NC letter, you read it and send it. Look on the site for a sample, don't let him get sappy in it. He gets a new job, yesterday, NC means NC, ever, forever. He agrees to 110% transparency and accountability. All account passwords to everything. Keylog the computer without telling him, and spyware his phone. If you are going to trust, verify. He has taken a situation that would have been fairly simple to rectify and made it very, very difficult to even want to keep the marriage, let alone do it.

Sorry you are here, but if you read and think about the advice you get, then implement it, you will be much better off, in both the short and the long run, no matter what happens. Make use of the experience that is made available to you here. Read other threads, see what seems similar to your situation as it evolves, and note what seems to work and what doesn't.
 

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You sound AWESOME!

I'll take that treatment any day!

The part about doing special things for me, that is.

Not the part where you tell me off.
 

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Oh a new one!
"You do too much for me, so I will cheat on you"

Your doing great. Just ramp it up another few notches and fast. Don't wait for Xmas!
As an aside..
My not-so-new GF is like you. You know. Giving.
I had spent 30,000 years with an entitled princess and I can tell you that you are rare and special. If your H thinks you treat him too well. Don't

I'm with alphaomega here.. AWESOME..
 

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With his attitude, I would give him one LAST opportunity to change his ways by immediately committing to no contact with his girlfriend and to change his job. If you don't get both, along with his unequivocal committment to you, then it's time to pack his sh1t in a garbage bag, leave it at the curb at tell him to move in with his girlfriend's parents too. (You didn't mention if the affair was physical, I bet it is).

While your kids needs are important, you can't let that cloud your judgement on what needs to be done NOW. You need to spend money on a good lawyer, not flowers. You need to get yourself protected financially. You need to take care of yourself physically. And most important you need to get him out of your life if he doesn't drop her immediately. You are not a Plan B!
 

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I love your attitude! Yes, wait to kick him out until the time is right for you & your children. I would take it one step further & NEVER answer his texts/phone calls when he is with her. You are not wrong by doing nice things for him; he is trying to justify his affair.

I think once you kick him out & he lives alone for awhile, he will beg to come back to you & your family. The OW has way too much baggage - divorced (maybe), kids, lives with parents...it will get old real fast.

If you decide to take him back, affair proof your marriage. There are books on how to do this.

And keep saying "your girlfriend" because it irritates him :)
 

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Not fair to the kids? Excuse me, but how is it fair to them that their father is going to have dinner at his girlfriend's parents and watching movies with someone else's kids?

Get mad! For you, for them! You need to be there FOR YOURSELF FOR ONCE! Act now, force the issue, your idiot husband is a dopamine addict, and the OW is his pusher. Everyday he wants a little more, to get a little further down the road. It will morph into a PA in the blink of an eye. You do yourself or your kids no favours by indulging your husband.

The stuff you read that said not to pressure him was dead wrong. Utterly and absolutely wrong!
 

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I am quoting this for at least the second time today--originally posted by daggeredheart in her own thread, about her husband saying 'it just happened' (i.e., not owning up to the fact that having an affair is a choice).

The quote is from Dr. Shirley Glass, a nationally-recognized infidelity researcher.

I saw this quote from Dr. Shirley Glass in the healing library and it resonates with me.

Sometimes there is an over-functioning spouse and an under-functioning spouse. One partner takes on a lot of responsibility—and then resents it. The more a person puts energy into something and tries to work on it, the more committed to the relationship that person is. The other partner, who is only semi-involved in the relationship, is freer to get involved in an affair, because they’re not as connected to the marriage. This is interesting because the popular notion is that the person who has the affair wasn’t getting enough at home. The reality is that they weren’t giving enough at home.

Q. How do you handle that? Dr.G. In rebuilding that relationship, more equity has to be created. The issue isn’t what can the betrayed spouse do to make the partner happy—it’s what can the unfaithful spouse do to make their partner happy. In research and in practice, my colleague Tom Wright, Ph.D., and I have observed that when you compare who does more, who is more understanding, who is more romantic, who enjoys sex more—the affair is almost always more equitable than the marriage. Usually, the person was giving more—more time, more attention, more compliments—in the affair than in the marriage. If they can come back and invest in the marriage what they were doing in the affair, then they’ll feel more. There is some research showing that people are more satisfied in equitable relationships. When relationships are not equitable, even the over-benefitted partners are not as satisfied as those in equitable relationships. Certainly the under-benefited partners are not satisfied. Q. You seem to be constantly reversing the conventional wisdom about affairs.
You've been working overtime to contribute to the relationship--and I suppose this made him feel "tied down" because a life partnership is a big commitment that requires effort and energy from both partners in order to survive the strains of life.

It's his turn to step up and put in the effort. But don't wait around and see if he is going to do it. You need to live your life as if he isn't coming back. You need to prepare for the future, whatever it may bring. He can have your emotional support, and the security of marriage, when he's dedicated to you and not a minute before.

You are right that he's in a fantasy, and he needs to ride it out to the fullest to see what a loser of a fantasy it is. As others have suggested, don't engage him or communicate with him as long as he's still spending time with her. He's under this delusion that he can have you both, just because, I guess, he's bored with his marriage. The arrogance of that attitude is breathtaking. Are you sure you want him back?
 

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Every minute you let him perpetrate this bull**** ,in this way, will come back to haunt you later. It will undermine your ability to commit to the marriage again, your ability to forgive, your ability to deal with the anger that will come.
 

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I don't mean to insinuate that you can control him in anyway, you can't, I gather you realise that, and that's great. But you can control you, what you will accept and tolerate, and there is no way you should be tolerating his behaviour. It is not good for anyone involved, least of all you.
 

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You may not see this now, but soon, when you're free from the child you're married to, and begin a relationship with a MAN, you'll wonder why you've waited this long.

T
 

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I can't believe the cajones he has - going to HER house and texting you like this is acceptable behavior. Is he out of his mind?

As for doing too much, stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry, pick up any of his stuff. I wouldn't cook for him other than what you're already doing for you and the kids.

How are the kids not picking up on all this tension? Mine were always like little emotional barometers.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I am quoting this for at least the second time today--originally posted by daggeredheart in her own thread, about her husband saying 'it just happened' (i.e., not owning up to the fact that having an affair is a choice).

The quote is from Dr. Shirley Glass, a nationally-recognized infidelity researcher.



You've been working overtime to contribute to the relationship--and I suppose this made him feel "tied down" because a life partnership is a big commitment that requires effort and energy from both partners in order to survive the strains of life.

It's his turn to step up and put in the effort. But don't wait around and see if he is going to do it. You need to live your life as if he isn't coming back. You need to prepare for the future, whatever it may bring. He can have your emotional support, and the security of marriage, when he's dedicated to you and not a minute before.

You are right that he's in a fantasy, and he needs to ride it out to the fullest to see what a loser of a fantasy it is. As others have suggested, don't engage him or communicate with him as long as he's still spending time with her. He's under this delusion that he can have you both, just because, I guess, he's bored with his marriage. The arrogance of that attitude is breathtaking. Are you sure you want him back?
Thanks for that - very interesting stuff and I'll talk about it tomorrow with my psychologist because I can see now that I have a big imbalance of effort not just in my relationship with him but with some of my friends as well.

As a result I've learned the hard way who my real friends are the past few weeks.

Please don't worry, I'm 100% looking out for myself. It's actually been quite liberating to not think about so many other people's needs and just focus on myself for a change.

He is well aware that even if he wants back in that I may not. I've told him the only way I'd take him back is if I believe he loves me - and we're starting behind the eight ball with that because I haven't believed that for a very long time.

No more compromises for me! Thanks again for all your wise words
 
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