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· Registered
6,901 Posts
@cristyhope71, check his devices and his wherabouts, guarantee there is someone else who is filling his cup, now you don't seem so exciting anymore. Non-one goes from good life, sex etc to suddently you are not good enough. He is tasting goods elsewhere.
BTW, how was he as a husband, was he kind, loving and affectionate all the way?
Go into stealth mode and investigate there is much more to his comments than meet the eye.

· Banned
3,057 Posts
In my head I've been busy bringing up our 3 children and looking after him and our home .
I think I Have been affectionate to him . We have an amazing sex life right up till the week before he dropped this on me.
This year we've had a couple of amazing weekend away on our own for the first time in 23 years . We enjoy each others company, we enjoy the same things .
Which is why I don't get it . He says I've not shown ENOUGH affection.
I did question why he didn't say anything before but his answer was ' I'm a man , it's a man thing '

I think it's his perspective. I love him I conditionally and show affection.
another case where i will recommend the book: The Five Love Languages.

it sounds like your love language is service....where you work hard, do all sorts of things for him and your family to show your love.
and he is blind to that language, and keeps wondering "why is she not giving me what i want".
It does help if he understands how you think, and that you were thinking all this mom-work WAS showing your love to him. you really do have to explain it to him

· Banned
3,057 Posts

You don't need to answer to us but you do need to be honest with yourself.

I'm a lady and I'm in my mid-50's. Long ago, during my first marriage, my husband wanted sex all the time. We had sex and to me, it was a lot. It wasn't close to what he wanted though, but I was young, feisty, hard headed and I dug my heels in and I'd let him know we had plenty of sex.

What I didn't know back then was that he had his own ideas about how much sex we had and his ideas were just as right and valid as mine were for me.

And, enough affection isn't necessarily just sex either.

To me, this is a communication issue between the two of you and a long standing one most likely and it's not just about sex.

Life is difficult. I have three children, I was a stay at home mom with my first husband and we had the normal life in terms of pets, kids in all kinds of activities like soccer, football, baseball, basketball, swimming, ballet, track, cub scouts and they were involved in their youth groups at our church as well.

I was guilty of many things in my first marriage (as was my husband). Back then, I honestly felt things were mostly my husbands fault (again, he was at issue for things) and I became snippy as I was feisty, not afraid to speak up and put him in his place. Our sex life dwindled but I still thought we had plenty of sex (we didn't though, I just thought we did).

It went beyond sex for us though. I'd turn my face from him when he went to kiss me or I'd break off our kisses if he was trying to kiss me longer than just a peck. I didn't like him hugging me, I didn't want to feel his "thing" against me on the couch, in bed, while hugging me etc.

Again, this wasn't just all sex is my point. It went beyond that and it didn't happen all at once, but slowly overtime.

As the months and years went by (we were married over 16 years), things slowly got worse, more bricks were added onto the wall that had been slowly building up between us.

Again, you don't need to tell us anything but this didn't just happen out of the blue with your husband.

I'm not taking his side as I have no idea what's happened between the two of you.

I wrote what I did about myself to try and help you realize that you need to look at a larger picture and try to see the whole.

It's difficult to do that as life comes at us fast. It's hard to see the forest through the tree right in front of our nose, but it's important to do that.

Every 6 months or at least once a year a couple should sit and discuss many things about themselves, their marriage, talk about their goals, their plans, adjust them. They should talk about what they like about their sex life, what they don't like about their sex life, about things they want to try etc.

My point isn't that it's all about sex, it isn't. F plans and goals that have nothing to with sex need to be discussed too.

Businesses come up with business plans, goals, action items for a quarter, for the year and then they review those plans when the year is done to see how they did and they roll things forward in the next plan and budget.

As employees we get yearly reviews, with goals, actions, things we need to do etc.

We need to do those in our personal life and with our partners too.

People need to be proactive instead of reactive, otherwise they find themselves in the boat you're currently in.

Don't let issues fester and build up slowly over time because there will come a point in time where the straw breaks the camels back.

Again, I don't know if your husband is being honest. He might just be trying to pin it on one thing, but it's likely a larger issue.

I've said all this because there isn't a magic bullet to repair this quickly. It will take work from both of you, effort, ongoing effort and regular communication.

People need to keep their flywheels spinning by giving it pushes here and there so it keeps on spinning around. Sadly, not enough do that and their flywheels quit spinning and that's when issues arise.

The only way to get through this is to work on things, communicate and to begin regularly pushing your flywheel (your relationship) so it keeps on spinning and humming along.

There aren't any shortcuts.

I wish you well as you set about making changes and working on this with your husband.
wow, i commend you and seeing clearly all that personal stuff. it is hard to self examine truthfully. Kudos

· Registered
352 Posts
I wouldn’t jump to infidelity but I would look at some other things as well…

1) Attachment styles. If one is anxious/preoccupied and the other avoidant this is what happens. The anxious eventually over years gives up chasing the avoidant and checks out, often with little to no warning. I was the anxious one and she’s avoidant. Avoidants will go from 0-100 when all of sudden they realize they’ve lost their partner. “Love bombing” comes off as disingenuous.

2) Priorities. My wife admitted her #1 priority was being the best mom to our kids. And nearly everything out of her mouth is something family or work-related. The phrases she uses a lot are “growing family”, “enjoying time as a family”, “vacations as a family.” Times she talked about improving/growing us….zero. Result - disconnection as a couple.

3) Drifting apart. My wife either wants to do family stuff or her stuff and I go along. We have zero common interests or passions. She tells me to “have fun” as I end up alone doing want I consider connecting. So she is chronically absent from any connecting behavior. Ninety seconds post-orgasm she’s getting dressed. That’s big time disconnecting for me and is frankly squandered pillow talk and connection over 20 years.
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