[IrishGirlVA]

I have been dating this guy for about a month now but we have known each other for a few years. We work within blocks of each other and live within a couple miles of each other. We see each other about 4-5 times a week. Sometimes it's just for lunch and other times it can be hours at a time. We have been intimate.

The other night after spending the entire day together playing Putt Putt and shooting pool we were lying in bed and he said, "I am soooo comfortable". I asked something to the effect of him having enough blankets and pillows. He said, "No, that's not what I meant. I mean that I am so comfortable with you. When I first met you I didn't think it would be much more than us just hanging out and having a few laughs. I like you more than I thought I would. I'm very comfortable.....but that scares me".

I just said that I'm glad he was comfortable around me because I felt the same way with him. Then I shut the conversation down. But what I really wanted to say was, "You are scared of being comfortable? Can you please explain to me what that freaking means???". But I kept my mouth shut.

When I heard this "I'm scared" crap before it just signified the beginning of the end.

Menz and womenz -- what does this mean? I have been "scared" about feelings before too but I didn't run from them. I embraced them. If he runs then does that mean his "scared" feeling is a copout?

 

[anotherguy]

Well...

You + Me = 'Scared'?

What, scared that you are going to 'be' a couple? Doesnt sound good to me.

I bet your instinct is right on. You should ask. Scared as in 'ive never felt this way and I want to move forward and its a little scary', or Scared as in 'I need to run away'.

 

[CharlieParker]

How old is he? Married or LTRs? Being "soooo comfortable" after one month seems fast to me.

 

[A Bit Much]

He's probably saying he's scared he's only dated you a month and he may have fallen for you so soon. To a practical person, this is very scary territory.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

He's probably saying he's scared he's only dated you a month and he may have fallen for you so soon. To a practical person, this is very scary territory.

This is a good point. Also, what is his history. If he has one of casual relationships, he might not be used to one that feels so serious. Things not happening as he expected may also be scary.

OP - You complain that he is not embracing them like you would, but you don't say how. Has he shown any indication that is he running? If not, why project. See how it goes and talk with him.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

If I were a woman hearing a man tell me he was scared, I would be concerned. I would suggest that you drill down a little bit more into what being "scared" means to him. In my experience, scared people are often paralyzed and you really don't need that. On the other hand, if he is just sharing that he can be vulnerable, then you know something more about him now.

 

[tryingtobebetter]

I would interpret it as meaning he is surprised how good it is with you but troubled because that is raising questions in his mind (is she 'the one'?) that challenge his current way of life.

But to know for sure you will have to ask, or wait for all to become clear.

 

[Emerald]

I would ask him what he's scared of.

 

[arbitrator]

I would ask him what he's scared of.

More often than not, "scared" is greatly synonymous with a person, who is either falling in love more quickly than they had ever anticipated, or someone who is fearful of "commitment!"

 

[Holland]

Has he been married/divorced?

I went through a couple of months of scared in my relationship, it was a genuine feeling and I know that SO felt the same. It did not imply anything negative but we were both in long term marriages and life is very different after divorce.

We had both dated others before meeting each other and not once did I feel scared with any of the other men. It is the one that I have fallen in love with that I was scared about but all is good now.

Ask him OP that is the only way to find out what he really means.

 

[Cosmos]

It can be pretty scary when we start to have feelings for someone, OP, and I remember feeling totally freaked out when I started having feelings for my partner. Sort of "This feels so good. What happens if it suddenly ends?"

Try not to read too much into what he said, because this is probably all he meant.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

An update --

I took your advice and asked him what he meant when he said he was scared. His only response back to me was, "All I can say is, don't get attached.". And that answered my question. I had a clue going into this that he was someone who can detach from people and traumatic situations quite easily. He's very skilled at compartmentalizing his feelings. He didn't have the best childhood and has many past relationship issues. Some people beat the odds and can overcome past hurts to be emotionally healthy and open people today and some cannot. He cannot.

So I decided to bow out. Regardless of the laughter he brought into my life. Regardless of the great friendship we had built. Regardless of how comfortable it is to be around him...... I WILL NOT COMPROMISE. I am not going to put myself in a position where I have to check my feelings at the door. And yes, I felt myself developing feelings but the real issue is that he never will. Well, not anytime soon. I'm not one of those girls that believe, "I will be the one to change him!". And I'm certainly not going to wait around.

So this all went down last night. I do question my decision a little bit and I am sad this has come to an end but at the same time I am very relieved.

Now it's time to take some me time!